I'm mentally preparing myself for the battle. It's not the first time I'm punching up, but I'm still fighting someone with almost double my levels.

It's not a fight to the death, but possible maiming is a discomforting possibility. [Heal Anything] needs a target to heal, but if something is utterly destroyed, there's nothing I can do but find a prosthetic or an actual healer.

The altar is decorated with wealth and party goods. Alcohol and food. There's an idol dead center at the focal point. It's decorated with grapevines and confetti.

"Brother human, anything except death is allowed. Ellis, our mock battle starts now. Call me by name and take the first swing. You'll need the handicap."

"Hoo Hee Haa Hoo, I'm starting now."

I want to open with Flash Gordon, but a two vs. one is cheating. I am here to test myself, not get some random win under my belt.

I examine the surroundings. The altar is pushed up against the boulder, and the clearing isn't roomy enough. All the monkeys evacuated the area and are watching from deep inside the forest.

I hold my barbed sword in front of me and examine my enemy.

He is wearing his turtle shell armor, but he has no weapons. He hasn't removed his headdress and is waiting for me to make my move.

His entire body is tensed up in preparation, all except his tail.

It swings around playfully like it has a mind of its own.

"Scared? Don't worry. I'm more durable than I look. I won't dodge your first attack."

If I could probably kill him in one blow with my [Sacrifice Health] and [Donkey Punch] combo if it crits.

But if it doesn't kill, I'll be the one to die. Death is the only thing not allowed, so that initiator is out of the question.

After calmly walking toward him, I look down into his eyes.

I strike my fist out in a [Donkey Punch], hitting his jaw and sending him staggering back.

Critical Hit!

-845!

The monkey spits out a tooth and a glob of blood.

"So it's like that then."

Faster than I can react, the monkey grabs my head mid-flip and flings me into a tree.

It deals no damage, but I'm disoriented.

"Damn! You're built like a tank! What do you eat to be that tough but still that lithe?"

He doesn't let me answer. He's back in front of me before I can blink.

He punches me in my throat, criting me back.

Critical Hit!

-1100!

I'm choking on my own crushed windpipe, rapidly healing my wounds.

-210

"Fuck! Why does it hurt to punch you? You're built like a tree!"

I swing out with my sword, but each attack is dodged before they even form. The monkey's agility is insane! Not to mention his might and vigor.

The monkey king, bored from dodging, drop kicks me and sends me skidding across the forest floor.

It deals no damage, but I couldn't recover fast enough. The monkey king appears above me again and slams my head against a nearby tree, felling it.

-400

"Oh, it didn't hurt that time!"

His tail wraps around my leg, and he tosses me straight into the air. The branches overhead do nothing to slow down my assent.

I heal myself again as I fall back down. I use [Bramble Blade] to create a sword whip. I aim for the top of the trees and try to slingshot myself back to the clearing.

I don't want the fight a monkey where there are trees.

I barely managed to fling myself in the direction I wanted. The branches broke my fall, but I didn't land on my feet.

*spit*

The taste of dirt isn't pleasant. I stand back up right in front of the clearing.

I wanted to find the monkey king, but the monkey king found me.

"Neat trick!"

Those words were the last thing I heard before my feet left the ground, and I was tackled into the clearing, pinned to the ground.

"Hey, you held your own pretty well, but you should surrender before I start getting serious."

He has me in some sort of hold. I'm faced down, and my arms are being held behind me. I got a mouthful of dirt again.

I swallow before warning my monkey brother.

"Don't die."

"What?"

My prosthetics palm is pointed straight to his torso, I can't see behind me, but I know.

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

My internal 'fire-arm' almost blasts a hole in the monkey king's chest.

He must have sensed something was wrong and dodged at the last second.

I scramble to my feet and look at all the blood around me. I guess the monkey king didn't dodge it completely.

I inspected the damage, and it looks like the monkey king lost the part of his torso under his left ribs. The wound almost cauterized at that range, but it obviously didn't.

"Thanks for the warning, brother. I almost didn't make it."

I expected another attack, and I was right. Luckily I preemptively activated one of my ring's skills. [Enroot.]

I haven't messed around with it too much since it has a lengthy undefined cooldown. I did find out the basics of what it did.

It grounds me, literally enrooting me to the earth. Green and brown bark covers my lower extremities and hooks into the terrain.

Like most things this ring gives me, it doesn't have a description, and I have to figure it out myself. This seems closer to a magic spell rather than a mechanical ability.

Roots aren't literally growing from my feet and ripping through my boots. It's just magic.

As soon as [Enroot] activates, the monkey king attempts a suplex. With the combination of my skill and my core strength, I'm untoppable.

"Now, you're truly a tree. Good thing I'm a monkey, hehe."

He jumps on my back and repeatedly strikes my head. Each blow takes over 400 health away. I need to constantly heal my wounds.

-452

(-113 reflected)

-434

(-110)

-467

(-115)

[Resistance: Blunt 300 > 301]

I pumped healing into my head, but something strange happened. I'm healing more than I should. I spent 250 mana to regain 1250 health, but that's not what happened.

+1875

That's a 50% increase!

"DAMN. I'm hurting myself more than I'm dealing damage! Seriously, are you half orc or something? You're freakishly durable!

I arch my arm back and threaten my fire-arm, and the monkey king backs off for only a moment. Using his tail and me as an anchor point, he swings in front of me and goes for a low blow.

He tried to kick me in my crotch, and I counter with my fist, using [Cross Counter.]

Critical hit!

-1119

(-225)

-1215

The monkey king flies back unconscious, knocking into the altar and tipping over most of the food.

The pain doesn't kick in immediately, but the pain hits like a semi-truck. My knees buckled, and I would have keeled over if I wasn't still rooted.

I have more trouble breathing than when my windpipe was crushed, my stomach churns, and I immediately throw up. I don't realize I'm no longer rooted and on foreign ground.

My foster father's gift is supposed to stop such an event, but [Cross Counter] "turns off" any "armor" I have. I will never use that ability when my nuts are being targeted.

I'm obviously healing myself.

"Ooo, party foul."

The voice is velvety smooth, with a twinge of energy at the end of every word.

Most of the pain has faded. Wait, no, it came back for round two.

I look around, and I'm not in the forest anymore. I'm in a lavish dining room with walls so tall you cannot see the ceiling.

Something is wrong. Something is strange. The walls slightly undulate, and I almost see faces in the wooden floorboards. Am I hallucinating?

The monkey king is slumped in one of the chairs, still bleeding. Unmoving.

The entity that spoke earlier draws my attention. It wears a party suit, a suit, and a tie but with outlandish colors and designs.

The suit's design shifts from purple pineapples to comic page panels and everything in between. It's tall, over nine feet tall even when sitting. The furniture in the room accommodates his size.

But that doesn't distract me from his face.

Or lack thereof.

Resting on his shoulders, connected to his neck, is a ball of black and purple energy that swirls and almost congeals into the rough shape of a head.

It's hard to look at him, and my mind starts to slip. I focus on the pain and ground myself in reality.

"Commendable effort for a mortal. I'm restricting my presence as much as possible, so if you couldn't handle this much... I'd be disappointed."

It takes a sip from a glass of wine. I don't know how and I don't want to know.

"Mortal? Don't tell me you're a god?"

"I don't take commands from anybody. What was my name again? Oh yes, I believe I was going by Aakgraak. Or was it something else... I should have never converted all those monkey men."

"God of madness and partying?"

"In the not flesh. I'm sure your puny mortal mind has some questions, but instead of pandering, I'm stating my offer.

Be mine."

"Uh."

"I know you must be overjoyed. No need to keep your composure."

"..."

"I said no need to keep your composure. Damn, why doesn't anyone listen to me."

His voice is starting to hurt my head. I didn't know I could feel these parts of my brain.

"What do you mean by 'be mine?' I'm confused."

"Of course, you would be. I want followers that won't go completely insane after I throw one of my parties. I can smell that you're mad, but you're high functioning. You're a decent candidate."

"You appeared personally to recruit me?"

I hold my tongue in denying his claims. If he tries to prove me wrong, I might actually go insane.

"Hahahahahahaha, no.

The party never stops, so I can't take my party time to visit some mortal. This is an avatar. I can appear before you since I always get an invite to every party, and you've been partying."

He leans back in his chair, almost like he's reminiscing.

"I just show up to the fun ones. I noticed you when my idol broke in that area, so I read my followers' minds and knew you were a decent partier and *crazy* too."

His suit turned pitch black when he said crazy. At some point, I involuntarily stopped breathing. His party suit starts to shift, and the god acts as if nothing happened.

Then something weird happened. The god's head starts to violently flicker, like a flame blowing in the wind.

"Medamned it!"

"..."

The god's head stabilizes before he's ready to speak again.

"I'm not ready for a change in association. I need to ground my image before things get worse. Why are you still here?"

Is this god crazy? Well, probably. I think something is making his presence unstable. I need to get out of here before something terrible happens.

"Where are we?"

"Follower, we're on the edge of a fractured pocket dimension connecting to your world."

"How?"

I'm definitely not following this god.

"It was near the idol, in a big rock. With a little rule breaking, I could get you here in front of me. Now quickly drink this wine and seal our pact."

He reaches out his hand and offers the wine. It's glowing like it was made from radioactive grapes. The crystal wine and the liquid it holds are so clear I can see the god 'peering' down at me through the drink.