The two of us strolled down the moss-laden corridors of the under-dungeon, torches in hand. As we walked, Lucifer weaved an intricate and expertly told tale of the treachery, drama, and betrayal that lead to the metropolis of trapdoors and corridors being built beneath the already labyrinthine dungeon. But I wasn’t paying attention, so I missed it.

“Okay, cool backstory. So why are you helping us again? Didn’t you sew me into a horse or something?”

“A living horse. Who do you think snuck that thing in? Who do you think kept losing those fire ants? You better be grateful, bitch.” Lucifer pressed a button wearing a brick costume and the wall folded in, revealing a small circular room stocked with medical supplies, food, water, and weapons. Three beds lay in parallel against the far wall. “Welcome to the safe room, bitch. Hope you’re ready for pain.”

“Why? This doesn’t look so painful.”

“Not the room, bitch. I’m talking emotional pain.” He put a meaty hand on my shoulder and knelt down to look me in the eye. “I’m sorry about your friend. It’s hard losing someone you care about. Trust me, I know the feeling well. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. But let me be the first to tell you that these things do get better.” Lucifer leaned me into a big sweaty hug. “Just let me know if you want to talk. I’m always here for you, bitch.”

“Uh, sure.”

“This is very sweet. Can I have some water please?” I looked around at the person on my back, who had grown particularly desiccated and wispy.

“Oh! Katie! I totally forgot you were here!”

“Yeah, I get that a lot. Water, please.” I could barely feel her behind me, she was lighter than a breeze.

“Oh heck! What is that thing!?” Lucifer recoiled in horror before straightening up with a confused look on his face. “Oh, excuse me. I mistook you for some sort of writhing abomination. Brad, put the girl on the bed.”

“Wait, you know my name? Most people here just call me ‘Troll’. Awfully prejudiced if you ask me.” I laid Katie on the bed and Lucifer held a water bottle up to her lips, which she drank from graciously.

“Yeah I know your name. Know your mom too.”

I recoiled in horror before straightening up with a confused look on my face. “Wait, you’re a mercenary? But I haven’t seen you before.”

“‘Course not, bitch. I’m stationed here. Evgenia has eyes everywhere. Even in Fort Pants. I’ll admit, it was difficult infiltrating the church, but here I am.”

I should’ve expected this. Mother’s middle name was overkill. “You gonna turn me in? I like you, but I’m not going down without a fight. All those inquisitors didn’t stand a chance against me.”

“You don’t want to fight me, bitch.” Lucifer gave me a look that would make gorillas wet themselves. But I wasn’t a gorilla, so I shook it off. “But that’s not what this is about. Maybe it was at first, but the situation’s changed. Sit down.”

I sat on the opposite bed. “Is this about the heat death of the universe? Some old guy was telling me earlier but I fell asleep. It seemed important.”

“What?”

“Yeah, there was this whole alternate universe thing too. Really confusing.”

“I’ve no idea what you’re on about.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“…Anyways. No. This is about you, bitch. I don’t know why you and your friend returned here, but it was a darned stupid thing to do. You’re hecking lucky I was down here or you’d be picking splinters out of your urethra along with Dick.”

“Oh, this is the murdering testicallers thing.”

Lucifer nodded gravely. “You’re a wanted bitch, Brad. I don’t know how you got into this mess, but until we get you out of it and catch the real murderer, you won’t be safe anywhere, not even home. Your parents may have some sway with the government but they’re nothing to the Mounties. Those bloodthirsty bitches will stop at nothing to see you dead once they get wind of your crimes. You thought the Dungeon was bad? The Royal Canadian Mounted Police will rip you to pieces.”

“Mounties? You mean the ones with horses and silly hats? What are they gonna do? It’s not like they’ll sew me into a live animal.”

“No. They’ll do worse. I hope you’re ready for pain, bitch, because when they find you, and trust me, they will find you, you’ll wish you were impaled, burned, and displayed. Don’t trust those tricky pricks.”

“Huh.” I’d always been suspicious of those RCMP bastards. Glad to have my feelings validated. “So, how do we find the murderer?”

Lucifer pulled out a tiny envelope, out of which he retrieved an even tinier pepper. It was wrinkled, black, and smelled like pain. I recognized it immediately. “A reliable source dropped this off. Said it was found near the scene of the first murder.”

“That’s the Holy-Trolly-God’s-Oh-No-y Pepper!” I can remember them clearly from Dad’s history lessons. How he would howl bitter and horrible while tracing a map of our surrounding forests. “I thought they were all destroyed in the fire!”

“So, you’re familiar. Then you know of the uncontacted tribes that would worship this cursed fruit. The hideous and unnameable rituals they’d perform, the chants that would stretch late into the nights, the black magic that poisoned the very spirit of our once-proud land.”

“Uh. Sure.”

Lucifer shook his head. “Those bitches were ready for pain. I’d hoped they were wiped out when I heard of the fire, I really did. But I should’ve known better. I know they’re behind this mess. And I don’t know how or why you were turned into this troll creature, but I’m certain it’s related.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Listen, Brad. I know your friend’s passing has hit you hard and you’ll need time to mourn, but I need your help with this case. Your innocence and your life rests on the results, you understand? I don’t know him but I’m sure this is what he would’ve wanted. For you to carry on living, for you to right this wrong and clear your name. You will get your time to mourn later. But now we must fight.”

I looked at my hands and almost shed a tear. “You’re right. His death hit me really hard. I’m dying on the inside. But one thing you should know about me is that I’m incredibly strong. Both emotionally and physically.” I stood up, heart swelling with passion and grief. “I’m also unbelievably kind, which is why I will help you to save my life.”

“Thanks, bitch. I knew I could count on you.”

“I’m also, like, genius-level smart and ridiculously handsome. And I’m charismatic too. And humble. And kind. Wait, I already said that.”

“Okay, I get the idea. If you’re up for it, we’ll head out immediately.”

“I’m always ready. Where are we going?”

“Where all of this started. We’re going back to your family land, the ash wastes of Fort Pants Forest. Not that it’s much of a forest anymore.”

“Uh, guys?” said the person on the bed where Lucifer was sitting.

Lucifer jumped forward, startled. “Oh! Wow, sorry, I totally forgot you were here!”

“Yeah, I get that a lot. I’m all for clearing Brad’s name but can I maybe get some food first? Like a sandwich or a burrito… maybe some chicken…”

Lucifer took a Canadian IMP ration off a shelf and got it out onto a tray. Nice! With shaking hands, Katie shoveled fistfuls of the high protein, constipation-inducing sludge into her unhinged jaw.

“So…” said Lucifer awkwardly, “you really like muesli, huh.” For a man his size, Lucifer easily sidestepped a flying speck of spittle. “You know, it’s probably helpful to chew once in a while. Or not. It’s your life, I guess…”

“Mmmfghethm,” Katie responded through the carnage. In two minutes, Katie had stuffed the meal down her gullet. We watched as her once shriveled and dry husk began to slowly inflate, like a bouncy castle being filled with air. Her bones cracked and organs churned as she swelled and writhed. Suddenly she rose out of bed and to her feet, good as new.

She rehinged her jaw with a crack and smiled sleepily at me. “That’s better. I think I’m beginning to regain feeling in my fingers. Whew, that was almost bad.

“Sorry you had to see that, Brad. I’m different when I’m hungry.”

“Um,” said an apprehensive looking Lucifer, “I don’t think we’ve been introduced.”

“Oh yeah, this is Katie. She’s my fiancé.”

“Oh. Interesting choice in women.”

“What can I say, I’m an interesting man.”

Katie stretched like a cat and bounced up and down a few times. “Okay! Ready to go. Lead the way!”

Lucifer shrugged. “Could always use an extra hand, I guess.”