Believe it or not, life went pretty smoothly inside the horse. My skin was so tough and leathery that it barely registered when they sewed me into the beast. And who knew horses could be so comfortable? I thought the visceral texture of a horse would be all slimy and cold but turns out it’s actually really soft and warm! Not at all like a decomposing corpse, really. My exposed head was slathered with milk and honey like Confessor Killy’d promised, but since the Dungeon was experiencing a shortage of fire ants at the moment, they had to make do with caterpillars instead. There’s no better feeling than having a thousand fuzzy feet tickle your face, and the honey provided a lovely snack whenever I felt peckish. All in all, it was a lovely time. My only complaints were that I was paralysed and completely shaved before being entombed, but even then, it could’ve been worse. Would recommend.

“Alright bitch,” said Lucifer, as he made his usual entrance in the morning, “Playtime’s over.” He was wearing his purple nipple tassels today, which meant he was serious.

“Right now?” I asked politely.

“No, in two days. We’ve got a shipment of fire ants coming in and when they arrive, boy, I hope you like pain, bitch!”

“Why do you keep saying that? You know, ‘I hope you like pain, bitch’?”

“What? It’s like my signature, man.” He paused. “You know, so when people see me, they’re all like ‘Woah! That’s the dude who likes pain and says bitch a lot!’”

“Do people say that?”

“Well not to my face but yeah. Probably. Bitch.”

“Huh.” We sat without speaking for a bit, the silence only broken by the odd intestinal gurgle coming from the horse.

“So. Feel like confessing yet? Must be really nasty being stuck inside that horse like that.”

“Nah, maybe some other time.”

“Oh, okay. Cool.” A pause. “Cool. Anyways, just know that the ants are coming, and when they come, well, better hope you like pain, bitch! Until then, see you later! Bitch!” Lucifer cackled menacingly while doing a crude moonwalk out the room. He seemed like a cool dude.

I wasn’t really worried about the fire ants. I’d been in this horse for about a week now, and every morning, Lucifer would come in and sing the same old spiel. It never mattered, no matter what color his nipple tassels were. The ants never arrived, it was either trouble with the courier service or administrative issues or whatever. At least, that’s what I thought.

A noise wrestled me from sleep later that night. It sounded like the sneezing of a pregnant wolf or someone sawing away at the bars which guarded every window. I tried to crane my neck to get a better angle, but my paralysis made this difficult. What I could see out the corner of my eye was a person, silhouetted against the moonlight, unhinge the now unbarred window and wiggle through. Slowly they crept up on me until I could smell their breath and see their nose hairs. I froze. I knew the intruder, could recognize his moustache anywhere.

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Brad?” whispered the captain of our thirty-third mercenary company.

“Dick??” I whispered, “What are you doing here?? How did you find me?”

“I’ll tell you later,” replied Richard in hushed tones, “For now, just relax. I’m gonna get you out of here.” He pulled an uncommonly large syringe out of his pocket.

“Woah, wait. I never agreed to go anywhere.”

Dick gaped at me in surprise. “Excuse me?”

“I said, I’m not going anywhere. Not with you.”

“Do you know where you are, boy? This isn’t an argument.”

“I said no! I’m perfectly happy out here on my own. I’ve tasted freedom, Dick, and there’s nothing you can do to make me go back to that prison of a home!”

“You’re literally in prison right now, you idiot! I’m trying to break you out of prison!”

“I’m sick of your doublespeak, captain. No means no!”

Richard slapped his forehead in exasperation. “For fuck sakes, I should’ve seen this coming.” Without even asking my permission, Dick injected the horse with the syringe. Immediately the beast started twitching and coughing. “Do you know how hard it was to keep delaying those fire ants? How much effort we spent sneaking in this comatose horse in place of the dead one? You’re coming whether you want to or not.”

The horse spasmed for a bit, vomited up some blood and a vaguely green substance, then slowly stood up. It didn’t seem to notice the human stitched into its abdomen, nor the head poking out of its belly. I, however, did notice, and felt the very uncomfortable headrush associated with being upside down. I would’ve complained, but I doubted the horse spoke English. Dick said “Now be quiet, I’m gonna try and sneak this horse out of the dungeon.”

Suddenly the torture room lights flicked on to their full fluorescent glory, blinding both me and Dick. “What’s going on here!?” bellowed the very angry sounding intruder.

“Help!” I screamed, “I’m being kidnapped!”

“No! You’re being rescued, you spoiled brat! Get it right!” Dick drew a knife from his belt and flipped it around his hand like a ninja or someone with way too much free time. “Now let’s tango, bitch!”

The intruder took one look at Dick and shot him in the chest. He collapsed like a ragman, blood pooling around his body.

“Alrighty then, Mr. Troll,” slurred the intruder. By this point my eyes had adjusted enough to see his inquisitor uniform. “Let’s get you out of here. I’m breaking you out of prison.”

I’m still not entirely sure what happened after that, though I do vaguely remember the following. The mysterious inquisitor mounting my horse and trotting out the door. The noise which whined like a dying cow. All the shouting and explosions and light. And the pain, which bloomed inside my head like fireworks or fracturing ice. Then nothing.

When I regained consciousness, I was in a dark room and warm cot. My head felt like it’d been shattered and reassembled by a drunk, blind toddler, and I had difficulty seeing out of one eye.

“Good morning, Mr. Troll,” slurred the man sitting in the corner. “About time you woke up. How’re you feeling?” Something about his face felt familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Pretty shitty,” I croaked. This made him chuckle.

“That’s good. I’d be worried if you felt good after what happened.” He walked over to sit beside me in bed. Suddenly I remembered. He was the inquisitor who fetched me after I met Katie. At that point, the significance of this eluded me. “The name’s Thom Lawless, ex-inquisitor of the Church. You and I’ve got some work to do.”