Although he kept telling himself he needed to specialize in something, James often found the need to keep inventing new spells. Since he wanted to level up quickly and efficiently, the enemies and situations always got stronger. Which kept requiring more and more powerful tools to deal with them.

James's saws were powerful, and quite versatile too since he could adjust them according to his needs. But James still wasn’t satisfied. There were just too many situations that called for something more. And each saw design had its own drawback.

He was a glass cannon mage. A weak body, weak resistances and vitality. A build fully focused on magic power and mana.

So he had absolutely no excuses, how could he call himself a glass cannon if he didn’t have a proper spell that could deal some real damage, regardless of the foe? Without any downsides like having an inadequately long cast time. Right now he didn't even feel like a glass cannon, but more like a paper towel.

Even as James was lost in thought, the lich was pelting him with countless spells.

But without even realizing it, James had already activated his [Arcane simulation].

Maybe he wasn't just a glass cannon after all. Or if he was, he sure was a slippery one. SARM was doing most of the dodging for him, and by now he was accustomed enough to combat and SARM that body was almost automatically going through the minute motions that were required to properly dodge during combat.

It was reckless, the lich wasn't throwing snowballs at him. But all he had to do was dodge for some time while he figured out an appropriate spell.

He barely paid any attention to the fight, his mind was focused on the simulation.

He already had an ambiguous image in his mind for the kind of spell that he needed, so he tried to visualize it. He needed something very powerful, but with a very low cast time. His thoughts were linked to the simulation. As soon as he thought it, he could see it happening in the simulation. He could see himself lifting his hand, launching a devastating attack in an instant.

But the simulation was still filled with a haze. He needed to fill in the blanks before he could actually materialize a spell.

But the lich wouldn't let an opportunity like that slip by. Noticing that James was dodging in a relatively predictable pattern, it threw a shadow bomb at his feet.

The bomb exploding, unleashing shrapnel and volatile shadow magic with thunderous force.

Not even SARM could dodge that, but at least the minuscule amount of attention James was paying to the fight was enough to have him notice the bomb. He had to snap out of the simulation and blink away in a hurry.

No enemy should be ignored, much less in the Soul Grinder.

But to deal with the lich’s unusually high defense, he needed to work on a spell that could actually hurt it. Yet again, he couldn’t count on his Razorice Saw, the damn thing was so slow to cast that it was almost useless.

The lich noticed that the bomb got James’s attention. Its creepy skeleton face somehow warped into a smile and it started cackling, even though it was all bone and had no muscles or vocal cords. In a world filled with magic, this was hardly something surprising. It was still creepy enough to get James's attention though.

Seeing that James had trouble with the bombs, the lich started throwing them at him without pause, as if the other spells it was launching weren’t enough of a pain for James.

At least his defense mechanisms were proving to be very effective. But in such moments, he couldn't help but fantasize about being a big, tough, healthy warrior, wearing heavy plate armor so strong that nothing could damage him.

But instead, he was dodging and running like a rat.

This situation felt an awful lot like when he played MMORPGs. As soon as he'd invest a lot of time or resources into a build, he'd get tired of it and start daydreaming about playing another class entirely. A classic case of "altoholism", constantly making alternate characters so he could play other classes.

This was real life though, he couldn't respec here. James comforted himself with the thought that this world's progression system seemed uncapped. It didn't really matter if he was a squishy mage for the first few hundred levels, by the time he got to level 1000, he'd be an entirely different person. If his squishiness didn't get him killed by then, of course.

But right now, he had to continue dodging like a rat.

And with the damn lich constantly throwing shadow bombs at him, smiling and cackling like it was actually having fun, he actually had to dedicate all of his attention to dodging. He couldn't even dedicate half of his attention to the simulation anymore.

He could only think of one way out. He needed to reduce the number of things he had to dodge.

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His saws couldn’t do much against the shadowy tendrils that were attacking him, they didn't even seem to have an actual physical form. Not even his saws could do anything against those.

The shadow bolts were even worse, they did seem to have some physical component, but the lich was throwing them by the dozen. He'd probably have to sacrifice one saw for each bolt, but even if that worked out, he'd have to spend all his effort and attention on constantly making saws.

But perhaps he could more efficiently deal with the bombs, in a way that didn't require much of his attention.

As he was dodging, James created a flimsy batch of saws. It was probably his flimsiest batch ever. But he didn’t need them to be powerful, he just needed something that could throw itself at the bombs.

He put the saws on standby until a bomb was thrown. Immediately, a saw intercepted the bomb. It wasn’t enough to destroy it, but it was enough to push it away and change its trajectory away from James.

Seeing that the plan worked, James kept dodging and making saws, letting them fly around through the air without attacking. Whenever a bomb was thrown, a saw would sacrifice itself to push it away from James.

He still had to make quite a few saws since the lich was throwing bombs like a madman, but the number of bombs just couldn't compare to the number of shadow bolts. It took longer for the lich to make bombs than it was for James to make a saw.

With the danger of the bombs now neutralized, James could space out again, his mind focused on the simulation.

He could see himself lifting his hand and launching a devastating spell. But the whole image was covered in a haze, he still didn’t know how to make it a reality.

As he was coming up with ideas and running various simulations in his head, the haze would alternate between becoming clearer or even hazier.

Until he finally had an idea that clicked. The answer was mana. The rest of his ideas were just him wanting to eat his cake and have it too.

Until he realized that there was no such thing as a spell with no drawbacks. You couldn’t have something for nothing, you needed to put in as much as you took out.

Every other spell had drawbacks for a reason. So he had to create a drawback that was acceptable for him.

And the answer was mana. As a glass cannon, the one thing he had plenty of was mana. His entire build was focused on it.

So if he absolutely had to sacrifice something, then he’d sacrifice something he had in abundance, that could regenerate quite quickly.

But the image was still a bit hazy. He could see himself using a lot of mana and throwing out a devastating attack, but it still wasn’t good enough.

Any dummy can pour a lot of mana into an attack and to make it go boom. And any dummy can just add another element to it to make it stronger, like he did with the Magmafrost bullet.

As he was frantically throwing ideas at the wall to see what stuck, he remembered how he would use Darkness to unleash devastating spells in the past. If he had his Darkness right now, he wouldn’t even be having this debate. It was powerful, but it was also a crutch. Lacking the Darkness, he was forced to evolve in other ways. In a weird way, the curse was almost like a blessing. If not for the other nasty effects it had, he would almost be thankful for it.

But now was not the time to reminisce. It felt like the answer was right within his grasp, but it still eluded him.

His mind was tired of the simulation, so he took a pause from it and looked around the battlefield.

He took a long look at the lich, and that’s when an idea finally came to him.

All the lich’s spells were shadow spells. Just like every other monster he fought used attacks that were natural to them.

And here he was, trying to force a spell into existence, with no link at all to his own nature.

James didn’t really know his own nature though. Just as his friends had noticed and mentioned repeatedly, he was a living contradiction. Sometimes he thought, felt and acted in one way, and other times in an entirely different way.

Even his soul was a half-demon soul. Not fully one way or the other.

He didn’t know who he was. He was on his second life, and he probably knew less about himself than most people who had lived just one.

He didn't have many real memories. Sure, he spent all that time reading books, watching movies or browsing the internet as a recluse. But it was as if he did nothing in life but consume, an entirely forgettable and confused existence.

But even for him, there were some things that stood out in his mind. His parents. His cat. And now he had his two amazing friends. This was what he truly cared about.

More than anything, he wanted his loved ones to be happy. And he wanted peace and quite for himself as well.

He didn’t know himself very well, but he knew what was important to him. Like an innocent and naive child, he just wanted happiness for his loved ones.

The dose of introspection was cathartic, but it wasn’t very helpful for the task at hand.

James couldn’t exactly translate his nature of wanting him and his loved ones to be happy into a spell.

But he really felt like he had a nugget of an idea in there. As he went over his thoughts again, analyzing his nature, he realized something.

The way he contradicts himself all the time, the way he flip flops from one attitude and mindset to another, his indecisiveness. Even the very fact that he couldn't figure out his nature – that could be his nature in and of itself.

This volatility was his nature.

This contradiction, this uncertainty, this plurality and ambiguity. It could only be described as chaos.

He was a chaotic person. Everything he did was chaotic. Even when he screamed at himself to be more ordered, disciplined, careful – he still returned to his chaotic nature soon after.

His impatience, his recklessness, his disregard for rules and traditions, for the proper way of doing things.

There were so many other things that made him chaotic. He hadn’t thought about it before, but that really was his nature. Chaotic.

And when he though about the concept of Chaos, he could feel a stirring deep inside him. His chest felt heavy and his head felt light, his feet felt cold and his hands felt hot. He felt as if he had found something he lost long ago, something elusive that was so far and yet so close.

As the idea clicked in his mind, the image in the simulation wasn’t hazy anymore. It was as clear as day.

He saw himself lifting his hand and unleashing a long, concentrated rod of red energy, hundreds of tiny lightning bolts circling all around it, with a thick, red miasma emanating from it.

Even through the simulation, which was a mere mental image, he could feel its power. It was a truly chaotic force, a powerful wave of energy that gave him goosebumps in sheer awe of its might.

[Skill unlocked: Chaos Javelin]

[Some gods took notice of your actions]

The notification from the system shocked him more than the fact that he unlocked such a powerful skill, but there would be time to contemplate on it after the fight was over.

It was time to stop simulating things, and actually living them.