James didn’t remember the last time he was in such a pickle. No matter how much he thought, he couldn’t think of a way out. And the times when he could just think of a new spell to get out of a sticky situation were long past him. These weren’t the kinds of enemies you killed with something you pulled out of your ass at the last second.

But obviously, he wasn’t going to die here. It just didn’t feel like the type of battle that could be the death of him. If he was going to die in this world, it would definitely be against some colossal god-like boss, not some stalking creeps.

Even though he didn’t see a way out, he wasn’t panicking. He was sure he’d come up with something, he always did. Probably some obvious answer that he overlooked for some reason.

As he dodged the enemies’ attacks, he sighed. Yep, there it was. The answer. He finally figured out what he could do.

And he also figured out why he didn’t realize it sooner.

It wasn’t some fancy new spell or a clever trick that fooled his opponents and preyed on their weaknesses.

No, it was something very boring and unexciting. But that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was that this was something that scared him.

He realized that the solution was to detonate himself, just like he did against Garantep.

But even though he detonated himself without a second thought back then, that was an entirely different situation. The stakes were very high, and he had thrown everything at Garantep to no avail.

Well, technically he was in just as much of a pickle now, but it just didn’t feel like it. The situation didn’t feel urgent or grave enough for him to selflessly, bravely explode himself without hesitation.

It was a very weird feeling. Technically, if he didn’t do this, his friends would die, and he would be killed by these monsters as well.

But the situation really didn’t have the same weight to it as the fight against Garantep. Garantep was someone he had to fight no matter what. Their battle was guaranteed long ago, all the way back when he became cursed. And it felt so desperate and necessary.

This felt like some random encounter against some trash mobs in a video game. Except, even trash mobs can kill you and cause game over. But he didn’t have any other saves or additional lives, this wasn’t a game. He had to win no matter what, losing wasn’t an option.

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Still, this was sort of like dying to a goblin after you’ve slain the dark lord and his dragons.

He wasn’t dead yet, he still had options. But it just felt so lame. He really had to use his biggest nuke against what was essentially a goblin encounter.

But this little existential crisis of his was just one part of why he was so reluctant. He wasn’t so proud that he’d hesitate to use a weapon against an enemy just because it felt anticlimactic.

No, he was actually quite scared. Sure, he didn’t feel any pain at all anymore. And he already did it once, he could blow himself up and be quite sure that he would survive.

But not even he was reckless enough to literally detonate his body without a second thought. Well, at least not again.

And the weird part was that just a short while ago, he let himself get butchered to the point he lost all his limbs and was just a floating head. And yet, actually detonating himself was still very scary.

There was just something about it that felt very unsettling. He hadn’t really talked about it with his friends, God knows he made them worry enough already.

But that time when he was just an unconscious head, buried in the crater where he killed Garantep, he truly felt dead.

And it wasn’t a feeling he was eager to experience again.

It was worse than even when he actually died and reincarnated into this world. This time he only felt a cold void.

No, actually, even feeling cold would’ve been better. But he didn’t feel anything. And yet, he was still aware, he still existed.

It was as if he was outside time and space. He wasn’t aware if a billion years or just a few minutes had passed. It was just nothingness. And a constant, crushing awareness of that nothingness.

He sighed. There was no way around it, he really screwed up this time. As much as he didn’t want to do this again, he had to.

He got really greedy going after all these cities. And the people that were sent to stop him turned out to be just as strong as everyone sane warned him they’d be.

But he wasn’t regretting anything. He knew why he embarked on this crazy plan, and he knew it was the right choice. This wasn’t just some mission, the world was at war. And the dark side wouldn’t wait idly by while they powered up over the years. No, they needed power. And they needed it now. As much as they could get, as soon as possible. Otherwise they’d all be dead, the entirety of Hedonia. Maybe even the entire world. If people like him didn’t do anything in their power to become as strong as possible, this world was doomed.

With another sigh, he decided to pull the trigger. Compared to what was at stake, this reluctance of his felt silly. But he didn’t regret having this inner monologue either. To actually do something this reckless, even he needed to brace himself as much as possible.

But he couldn’t postpone it any longer.

Luckily, while he was debating himself on whether or not he should do it, he had already pulled the stalkers far, far away from his friends. He didn’t know just how far, but it had to be at least a hundred miles. They were all far enough now that even if he detonated himself, it wouldn’t reach his friends’ barrier no matter what.

“Oh well, let’s boogie.” James shrugged and closed his eyes as he shielded his brain and detonated his entire body, spending most of his mana to make the explosion as deadly as possible.