July 1:

We is on the Whoosh-bird! We is goin' to the fight! And Drummin Man is here and he has made sure all of us warboys have good guns. Except me. I got my dumb little wimpy gun. Not as dumb as the last gun I had, but still small, still wimpy. Drummin' Man is saying that the size of my bullets is all wrong, and that nobody else in the platoon has bullets like mine. That means that no other warboys have bullets that fit in my gun. This is super sucky because more bullets is always better. Runt will need another gun. Means he will have to buy another gun. But I just bought this gun! Is not cool! Is dumb! I bought a better gun just to find out the bullets are all wrong!

Oooh! But Runt has got another writing book. Hello new little writin' book! I wrote so much in the last one that it is all filled with squiggles now! But he still has no name, because warboys have no names. Not like Drummin Man, who has a name that us warboys are not allowed to know. So Runt is still Unit 147 of Delta Platoon. And Drummin Man is still whatever his name be. And Runt will never know Drummin Man's name because Drummin Man is the most super special awesome boss man I have known.

Except for probably Raspy because Raspy saved Runt from the Death Box. But Drummin Man is most definitely better than even the Liberry Man who let Runt take a book home for seven whole days.

But yeah. Drummin' Man is one of the bestest boss-men I have known and Runt will never learn his name because Runt does not wish to be taken by the Good Guys and made to talk about the things that he knows. And if you don't know nothing, you can't tell anything to the super stupid Good Guys. And if I do not know Drummin Man's name, no Good Guy can make Runt talk about his name. And if they cannot make Runt talk about Drummin Man's name, they will not be able to track him down and kill him dead.

So all of Delta Platoon is now on a whoosh-bird and we is goin' to the Fight! Runt is mega scared. But fighting is what warboys do, because the Boss-men made us in their glass boxes to make sure Boss-men do not get hurt. So Runt will fight, and he hopes that he fights enough to be cool and be remembered forever.

We is hired for a job. Gratch has made sure of it. He got the Letter of Mark and now we are signed up for a super special job because he thinks Delta Platoon is the coolest platoon there is. But he does not want to say what the job is, because he does not want Good Guys to find out. And the less folks know, the less they can talk about it.

And now Drummin' Man is all looking at ma gun. He is saying that the smallness of my bullets is somehow making them better. Like, the bullets might even go through the special clothes that folks use to stop bullets. But my bullets are still not the bullets that ever'body else is using. And that is a problem. Because if Runt needs bullets, he will not be able to get them from anybody else in the whole platoon.

Hold up.

Later:

Goldin has done something very strange. Runt does not know Goldin all that well. But it is a very strange thing he has done. First his eyes go all glowy and yellow, even more yellow than they were before, and he was all talkin about stuff in a super creepy voice. He was all sayin' stuff about a dead boy riding a metal horse of thunder that breathes fire, takin' some special person to a big battle. And Runt knows this is a bunch of lies and that Goldin must be just being silly because we aint got no horses. We might want Pacas though, because pacas be good for carryin stuff here and there and everywhere. And horses do not breathe fire. Dragons breathe fire. Not horses. Hold up.

Gratch wants me to talk with Goldin and with Whiskey. Whiskey and Goldin are friends, and Gratch traded for them because Goldin has got the yellow eyes and he thinks that his creepy voice is not just him being silly. He also thinks it is best for me to know folks in the platoon. Runt does think he wants to know Goldin and Whiskey. They just sit and drink booze and smoke smokes. Runt gets all super bored just sitting, and smokes is all nasty and smelling bad, and booze is just water that is making Runt feel mega sick. But Runt does not want to be fired from his job as record keeper, so he will talk with Whiskey and Goldin.

All About Whiskey and Goldin:

So Goldin and Whiskey came from Alpha Platoon from Regiment 151. Gratch traded for Whiskey because Whiskey has this mega cool long knife that Boss-men are calling a Clay More. Is so super special big that Whiskey is all having a hard time carrying it. Whiskey is mega scary, 'cuz he has all cut into his skin with a pen to draw lines on himself that will stay there. He has done this to his whole face and he got his hair up in a spikey line on top of his head. He loves doin' the spooky stuff that will make the Good Guys run away before they even start fighting. And Whiskey has a skull! Runt is so jealous! Taking a skull from a Good Guy means you have killed Good Guys before, and this means that Whiskey is cool. He also has this flag that is made from Good Guy skin. All he has to do is wave that and the Good Guys will get all mega spooked and run away before they even start shooting.

So Whiskey & Goldin was in a Alpha Platoon doing all the things that warboys do. They were doing mega simple Merc Work, guarding this big buildin with lotsa stuff some robot did not want stolen. But some Boss-man in town, he was gettin up on the Big Screen an awful lot, telling people about how life in Megacorp was so unfair and dumb. And Whiskey and his whole platoon, they don't think much of it. But Goldin does. And Goldin is Whiskeys friend, so Whiskey listens to Goldin. Goldin has this mega uncool feeling about this Boss-man. Goldin tells Whiskey that maybe buying lots of bullets and gear might be best, and not spending so much money on booze. Whiskey does not like this at all, Whiskey likes his booze. But Goldin is Whiskeys friend, so even though he likes booze, he goes to the shop and spends like half a paycheck just on this super neat long knife that Boss-men are calling a Clay More. And all this time, this Boss-man is getting on the Big Screen more and more times, saying more and more stuff about Megacorp is just the worst place to ever be and how the folks running it are evil and greedy.

And people start coming in from all over to hear this Boss-man talk on the big screen. But what this Boss Man says, it is making no sense! He is all talking about something called Major-Itty Rules and Demo-Crossy. And Whiskey is not believing any of it, because it is all just so dumb. And Runt ax's what's dumb about it. And Whiskey says that I would not even believe him if he told me. But Runt says it is his job as Record Keeper, so I am needing to tell this story.

And what Whiskey starts telling me next, I am having a hard time thinking about it because it is just so dumb and so stupid. But Whiskey says with all his heart that this is what these boss-men really thought. These Boss-men thought that anything was A-ok if a lot of folks thought it was A-ok.. That is what Demo-Crossy and Major-Itty Rules is meaning. And they really thought so. And if you told them that they were wrong, they would get all upset and angry and would all yell super much about how you were evil and nasty and stupid and greedy. They had something called a Vote, and that was how you told if it was A-ok to do something. And a vote works like this: If you got three folks in a room, and two folks say they want something, then the third person must be ok with it. So long as you got more people who are saying something is A-ok than folks who are saying it is not, then they think it is A-ok.

And Runt, he thinks this is dumb, but maybe it is not so bad. After all, he is not believing anybody be so dumb that they would go into a vote to say that stealing is A-ok, or that killing folks is alright. After all, Boss-men are supposed to be smarter than us warboys and not even warboys is that stupid. But then Whiskey is telling me that that is zactly what happened!

These Boss-men first vote to say that Megacorp should give them a bunch of free stuff they aint worked for, and Megacorp says no because that would just be stupid. So the next Vote they have, they say that stealing from megacorp be A-Ok, and that killing folks working for megacorp is super cool.

Hold up.

Hold up.

And Runt looks at Whiskey for lotsa heartbeats, looking at him for more heartbeats than ten. Sometimes, after all, folks will just say a thing because they think you are dumb and think it be funny to make you believe a thing that aint true. But Runt is looking at Whiskey while he is all telling this story, while he is saying all these things that are happening next. But Whiskey looks all super sad when he is saying this, like this thing that has happened is the saddest thing he has ever seen in his life, like he is not joking, like this aint nothing funny.

First the boss-men came for the Warboys, because ever'body knows Warboys is working for Megacorp and that our job is to make sure nobody kills folks or steal stuff. And Whiskey, his whole platoon be at the Barracks when the vote happened. But Goldin said that nobody should be at the Barracks that night. And this might sound dumb because the barracks is where all warboys is supposed to stay. But Goldin was all having these mega not-cool dreams and says to Whiskey that something bad was gonna happen to anybody in the Barracks that night. So Whiskey and Goldin take an extra shift guarding the big building they were paid to guard that night.

These Boss-men who was believing in votes snuck into the barracks and blew it all to pieces, and every warboy in the barracks died. They set off this big old bomb that was so strong there wasn't nothing left of the barracks. And this aint cool, because warboys is the best at fightin' in fights. And without other warboys to cover your 3 o'clock, your 9 o'clock, and your six, you will be dead fast.

So first they call the robot who owns the big building and tell him all about what happened, and this robot says they aint need to guard it no more. Aint no way just two warboys be able to guard the building, so he says they can run away. But this is not what Whiskey and Goldin do, because they are warboys and warboys do not run away. Warboys just find other places to fight. Smarter places that aint stupid and will not get you killed dead. So they find places in the building where they can hide, 'cuz they know these good guys, these good guys who used to be boss-men but then turned stupid and mean, want the stuff that be in the building. They said so, said they wanted to steal stuff, voted for stealing stuff. So Goldin and whiskey know exactly where these good guys will be.

And outside whiskey hears fightin'! Some Boss-men did not turn stupid, some of them did not believe the Stupid Man on the big-screen when he said that stealing was ok! So they open the doors and see all these boss-men fighting. But they are just boss-men. They are boss-men who aint been told how to fight, not like warboys fight. So they all bein' dumb about fighting, not aimin their guns, not keepin sections for they guns, runnin' outta bullets, taking cover when they aint need to take cover, shooting when they can't hit nothing, and missing when could hit sometin', and it is just not cool.

But Whiskey and Goldin, they are knowing which boss-men is Evil like us, because the ones that have turned Good now shoot at warboys. And nobody shoots at warboys unless they are stupid and Good. Shooting at warboys is a death wish. It is axin' to get shot at. Ever'body in the whole Dark Empire knows that shooting a warboy is dumb because he will always shoot back and he will always fight until he has won or he has died. And warboys do not die fast, because that is the way Megacorp made us.

So Whiskey and Goldin go out and they start shootin the Good Guys because warboys are supposed to protect their boss-men and these Boss-men are dying all over the place. This is not the way it should be at all! Warboys should be dying for Boss-men! No Boss-men should die. And if a Boss-man is killed by Good Guys, then it is our fault because we did not do our jobs as warboys! So Whiskey is all yelling at the Boss-men to run away to places where there aint no fighting, places where Boss-men will not get shot. But these Boss-men are not listening at all. And this one boss-man, he even takes cover next to whiskey and is all axin' how to fight, how to win! Because he aint never been told how to win a fight before! And he knows that all warboys is the bestest at fighting. But Whiskey cannot teach this Boss-man how to win, because sometimes to win a fight means you gotta be ok with dying. In order to fight the way a warboy fights, you gotta be knowing when to get shot. And this is one of the rules of being a warboy and why warboys is the bestest at fighting in fights. Sometimes, you need to go into a place where you know you will get shot, you know you might even die. Other folks is scared of dying. Dying is part of what warboys do. And warboys do not want to die, but they will if that is what is needed to win the fight. A Boss-man's job in a fight is to stay in a place where he can tell his warboys what needs to happen to win the fight, because warboys cannot see everything when they are so busy shooting.

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

So here is Whiskey and Goldin, all stuck in this fight where Boss-men are shooting at Good Guys and not running away like they should. And this fight is mega not-cool because Boss-men are super squishy and they just need to get shot a few times to die. So Whiskey is all thinking that if he can't make the boss-men run, he needs a way to make the Good Guys stop shooting at Boss-men. And he thinks that nobody is ever so busy shooting that they don't notice some guy up in your face all trying to poke you with a big ol' knife and draw red lines on you. And he says this to this Boss-man who is not knowing how to fight, not knowing how to win.

So he takes out his super cool knife he spent lotsa money on and he runs at the Good Guys. And sure enough, all the Good Guys stop shooting at the Boss-men and they start shooting Whiskey instead. And these Boss-men who are all being stupid about fighting, they notice that these good guys are not shooting them so much anymore, so they all get out behind cover and they all start shooting their guns at the Good Guys. And the Good guys, they is all sorts of confused about this. At first they be all like "I should shoot at this stupid warboy!" But then they see all the Boss-men aimin' they guns and say "No, I should shoot at these boss-men!" And then they see how whiskey is usin his big knife and they say "Nope, should aim at this warboy because he gots this big knife in ma face and if I don't shoot him he will draw a big ol' red line on me for sure!"

And Whiskey, he is all super happy that these stupid Good Guys is not knowing how to fight. They all shooting but they aint aimin. When folks who are not warboys are scared, they often forget to aim. But if you do not want to die, you should always aim. Most not-warboys use guns to scare away folks. And shooting a few bullets at the ground or in the air is enough to make folks run away lots of times, or at take cover. But if it don't, then you aint doin' nothing but wasting bullets. But when warboys are made, they learn in the Glass Box that not-warboys who are scared is often so scared that they think aiming takes too much time. They is all like "I aint all that great at aimin anyways and in the time that it takes me to aim I might get shot and die, so I might as well not aim at all!" but it is just true that bad aimin is better than no aimin at all, so these folks are plain wrong.

But our Boss-men who did not turn stupid and good, because they is not getting shot at so much, they is all like "I got time to aim, and I prolly aint gonna get shot because they is all busy shooting this warboy, so I might as well aim ma gun instead of being stupid about it." And so they do! And they is all aimin their guns and actually hitting what they aiming at!

But Whsikey is super sure that one or two of the boss-men might have accidentally shot him in the back, was not aimin good enough and hit him in the back. Getting shot in the back is mega not cool, because you might get hit in your special spot, and you will not get better after getting shot. I feel bad for our boss-men, who do not have a special spot that is always making sure that they will get better. So, like, if they lose a whole arm or leg, it does not come back. It just stays gone. It is good that us warboys wear our special clothes to stop bullets. It is not as Super-Special as the cool clothes that our Boss-men get to wear, but still stops lotsa bullets. And Whiskey did not get shot in his special spot, but it is still being scary to get shot in the back.

Whiskey also got a shot a lot in the front, because he was all out there with his big knife, and I am all axin' him how much he got shot, and he is saying a lot. Like, more times than ten. A lot of times he got shot. He even got shot in the face, and that was all hurting super much. He got hit in the face, but he stayed awake, which is cool. Because when you get hit in the face super hard., it does something that can make you go to sleep and you cannot shoot back when you is sleepin'. And he was all having a hard time breathing, because he got hit so much. Because when bullets get in your chest where the air is supposed to go, and it stops your breathin.. At least that is what the Grey Guys told Runt. And whiskeys arms and legs were all sorts of broken and had red dots all over them from where the bullets hit him.

It is a super cool thing that Whiskey did that day, because if you get shot too much you might go to sleep. And going to sleep is not bad when you wanna sleep, but if you is in the middle of a fight, then the Good Guys might win the fight, and they might dump a bunch of acid on you to make sure you die, or light you on fire to make sure you die. This is why warboys are not liking fire. You always get better after being shot, but fire and acid just burns you until you are all gone, and not even your special spot can make you better again. Whiskey knew he would get shot lots and lots, knew he might fall asleep and get fire dumped on him so he never woke up.

And lots of Boss-men and Good-Guys know about Warboys and our special spots. The Good Guys, they is always trying to hit us with guns so big and strong that we go to sleep right away, or things so strong that they hurt our special spot so we die when we get hit. Or they is trying to be all sneaky and come up behind us and shoot us in our special spot and then shooting us lots so we die after that. But all of that is very hard. First they will usually try to get our Boss-men, find places where we warboys aren't guarding so that we cannot shoot back when they are hurting our boss-men. And lots of Boss-men, they are not liking us Warboys, saying that we is just too mean and nasty to have around, saying that we are dumb and shooting people who aint supposed to get shot.

Runt does not understand this much at all. Like, other warboys is saying our Boss-men is scared of us. They is scared of us because we do not ever stop fighting until we are dead or we have won. But our Boss-men are always told that Warboys do not shoot people unless they are hurting folks or stealing stuff. If Boss-men are so smart, why can they just not hurt folks and not steal stuff? We would never shoot at a person who is just working so they can get paid.

But Whiskey is done talking now, it is a real cool thing he has done and I gotta get ready and go to sleep.

Bonus Content:

Akemo Natsuo's customer reviews.

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[b][u]Customer review on Private Military and Protection firms[/u][/b]

[i]by Akemi Asuko[/i]

[b]Thugz Inc:[/b] Hired in the southern territories, Thugz Inc. was raised from Dark Elf Tribal roots as common street gangs residing in urban inner city neighborhoods. Upon exodus from Noblebright, many of these gangs now had no rackets to protect as prostitution and drugs were both legalized and underground protection rackets became unnecessary. With no work to sustain these local youths, megacorp soon began threatening to evict them, and before long gunfights with PT-DRVG troopers became common. Being inferior in training and armament, the tribal coalition frequently came off on the losing side of these gun battles. However, local leaders soon became disenfranchised with Pygmy Trolls, as they often had difficulty understanding complex concepts and could create excessive civilian casualties by conflating innocent bystanders with hostile elements. Meanwhile, the Dark Elf Coalition was looking to open some sort of negotiation with megacorp, being on the verge of utter collapse. If the conflict was not resolved soon, the Dark Elf Coalition faced imminent destruction due to infighting and desertion.

The Free Market created a solution: Local Leaders approached the Dark Elf Coalition and offered to endorse them as a Private Protection Firm. The Local Leaders would be able to gain protection without the unnecessary casualties that PT-DRVG troopers often created. The Dark Elf Coalition would be able to pay their rent with the money paid to them by locals. Initial view of this solution was approached with trepidation: many cynics did not believe that Megacorp would take kindly to it's sponsored protection service being cast out in favor of competitors who, until recently had been shooting at them. To everybody's honest surprise, Megacorp withdrew it's Pygmy Trolls and promptly sent a customer service representative to apologize for excessive loss of life within the community. Understandably, this formal apology has done little to ease the mourning of bereaved family members left behind after vicious firefights with the faceless minions of Megacorp.

Annual Customer reviews with Thugz Inc has been positive overall, and it has spread throughout megacorp as a leading provider in property protection. However customers note with some dissatisfaction that members of Thugs Inc have often participated in minor hassling and offenses against their clients. If you hire Thugs inc, watch for the following behaviors and report them to your local Megacorp Service Representative right away:

*Theft of small valuables, especially jewelry or bank notes left unattended

*Harassment of women

*Violent inter-tribal altercations (Many older tribes have ongoing feuds, it is important to nip this problem in the bud before it escalates to open fighting in the streets)

[b]Goons: Family Protection Concern for the morally discerning individual[/b]

Run on the eastern side of DDEEB, the Goons are a predominantly human oriented mafioso style protection agency noted for it's strict sense of what it considers "honor" and "Family". Established quickly after Thugs Inc was recognized as a Private Protection firm, Goons subscribe to clientele with significantly higher class and wealth then the Thugz.

Overall the the reviews on Goons FPC has been overwhelmingly positive, truly a Family for the whole family. Shop owners report that agents of Goons are often polite to a fault, show up on time, and records of theft or assault while on the job are almost nonexistant. However, their prices are high: usually double that of Thugz, and over 50% more then Mooks Paramilitary

[b]Mooks Paramilitary[/b]

A nationalistic grey dwarven biker gang, Mooks Paramilitary are an intimidating group in any setting. When hired, clients believed that they would be getting a group of rough-cut bikers to protect their shops. Behold, the Mooks were, and still are, so much more. When in a professional setting, they ditch their bike leather and helmets for grey uniforms, pickelhaube helms, and fully automatic weapons.

They have overwhelming presence in work attire, which can be either good or bad, depending on the work involved. If you want to hire them as private security at a heavy metal concert, you'll do just fine by preventing mob rushes to the stage before they even start. However, it clearly would not do to have a fully armed paramilitary member cradling a submachine gun in a fine dining establishment (Unless you're a nationalist with a hard-on for rousing martial music). They show up on time, are highly organized, and work with great efficiency.

Complaints are small, but shall be listed here for the sake of a full customer review:

*Highly uncouth, cursing and spitting in front of young children.

*Somewhat pushy, making off comments about how "Unprepared" the standard citizen is should some disaster befall them. Often have a habit of telling off customers for "Inefficient policy".

[b]Pygmy trolls, AKA "Warboys"[/b]

No customer review on private security in the DDEEB would be complete without mention of the notorious, nefarious warboys. The warboys are every customer's best friend or worst nightmare depending on your situation. If you haven't paid rent to your Megacorp customer service representative, it's these three-foot monsters that will forcibly escort you to the border. I will start with their drawbacks, as these are the most widely known and SHOULD be widely known before anybody considers hiring PT-DRVG Troopers.

*Stupidity: They cannot understand that your child is a child, and they don't seem to frankly care. So help you, if one of your children raises a toy gun to aim at a warboy, they WILL shoot him! They don't see a child, they see a threat. Threats are all dealt with the same way: With overwhelming and lethal force. Attempts to communicate with warboys about why one should not shoot at children are often circular, bringing up a strange conversation about "Glass boxes".

*Cultural dissonance: Pygmy trolls are always trying to achieve something semi-mystical called "Coolness". Questions to a warboy about what constitutes coolness reveal highly disturbing details of their culture. Killing enemies, beheading the corpses, boiling the flesh off the heads, and keeping the skull as a trophy is considered "Cool". Killing the most enemies, and keeping a running tally on one's trophy skull is also considered "Cool".

*Communication troubles: Limited vocabulary, they often invent new words to replace those they deem "Too complicated".

*Inhumanity: Pygmy trolls do not keep names. In fact, they don't seem to have any sense of individuality at all. They are all given numbers. It is not unfathonable to believe that trolls believe that life has absolutely no inherent value whatsoever.

HOWEVER: all these things do not necessarily mean that warboys do not have their place. The following [i]advantages[/i] may be found in working with warboys.

*Total dedication: A warboy does not stop until a job is finished. Period. Come hell or high water, a Warboy sticks to his post and does his job to the best of his ability.

*Cheap: of all the options on this list, warboys are the lowest cost. They don't demand much payment. One wonders if perhaps they derive some sort of twisted pleasure in their work?

*Heart: (?) From what we have observed, Warboys are immune to tactics that attempt to destroy moral. Indeed, it should be remembered that years ago following the civil war that split us from Noblebright, the Warboys [i]volunteered[/i] to save us despite suffering 87% casualties, they kept boarding their drop pods. It's hard to understand what goes through their heads, their thought process is alien. But if they get an idea that something should be done, there's certainly no stopping them from doing it.