"Thanks, Carol Voldemort. I'll start with two cursed consonants, please," said Grumbledore, a devious grin spreading across his ancient face.
"That’s a fiendish F and a nihilistic N to open the board," purred Carol, placing the letters on the cursed hex board.
"Another shrieking consonant, if you please," Grumbledore asked, his eyes gleaming.
"A Freaky F," said Carol-who-must-not-be-named, turning seductively in her unreasonably short witch skirt. Her eyes twinkled as she contemplated the solution to the next Dark Numbers round—her pensieve gaze revealing particularly sinister concentration.
"Three forbidden vowels, if you would, Carol," Grumbledore continued, unfazed.
"A dark cursed E, an invasive I, and... an evil E," Carol cackled, placing the vowels with a flourish.
Grumbledore fiddled absently with his wand, clearly unimpressed by the draw so far. "Two terrible consonants, if you'd be so kind, Lord Carol."
"Well, since you ask so nicely," she said, her brow furrowing because of the distraction caused by the sudden psychic flare between her and Gary Potter—last season's Countdown champion.
Ever since Gary Potter deflected Voldemort's killing curse as a baby, the two had been cursed with a telepathic connection. Whenever the link flared up, Gary’s iWand overheated, and his chosen one mittens (knitted by Hermayonaise’s mum) began to snap, crackle, smolder, and deathly pop. His scar—shaped like the Countdown clock—would tick audibly in his brain, driving him to think of nine-letter words.
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Carol, breaking her trance, added a D and an R to the board.
"And finally, a malevolent vowel," Grumbledore said confidently.
"That’s an indignant I to finish the round," she said, her tone dripping with mockery.
Grumbledore smirked as Carol’s wand hovered the final letter over to the board. The psychic echoes of Gary Potter’s voice—buzzing through her mind: "I’ve got a nine-letter word for you, Carol. It’s Fiendfyre."
With a swish of his cloak, pompous Death Eater and Countdown host-wizard, Richard Syrius Whiteley, waved his wand at Camera 3 as it zoomed in on him.
"The final vowel of that Muggle-loathing letters round is brought to you by this week’s sponsor: The Malfoy Family. They’ll receive the latest edition of Countdown DE for the Sega Magick Drive to test their skills at home with their full-blood friends and family. Watch for that owl, Draco!"
Grumbledore leaned back smugly in his chair as Whitely turned his attention back to the players.
"I have a nine-letter word," said Grumbledore. "Fiendfyre."
Professor Snaype, who had only managed an eight-letter word, sneered in Parseltongue. "Smelly headmaster-looking Douche Wizard, I loathe you."
Carol Voldemort blinked, suddenly remembering that Gary Potter had seen the same word during their recent telepathic link. Meanwhile, far away...
Gary Potter grimaced, trying to banish the dark magic spell, Fiendfyre, from his mind. The astral connection had put him inside Carol's mind for 5 witch-minutes, and he was trying to remember as many of the vegan recipes he had seen inside the aging floozie's pestilent mind.