FVR
Chapter Eleven.
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We were always close, even as children.
A young girl scrapes a tomato from her plate onto Joel's. She turns to make sure her mum hadn't seen, then smiles back at him.
He stuffs the tomato into his mouth in one go, which makes his cheeks bulge. He sees her laugh for the first time.
I didn't even like tomatoes.
***
You were always there, so I never had to think about who to partner up with.
"Pair up however you fancy, this is not a marked test so I really don't care," a teacher called out with a distracted tone.
The same girl, but a little bit older, scoots herself over to Joel and hands him a book. "This is what we're writing about, but I don't know where to start. Ideas?"
It was such an easy life, being friends with you.
***
We always moved at your tempo, but that suited me just fine.
The girl, now a teenager, is walking through a shopping mall. She tries on a hat and strikes a pose.
"Thoughts?" She asks coyly.
I may never understand the choice to have so many colors on a hat, but I loved how colorful you were.
***
We had our differences, I knew that, but it always seemed so... effortless.
The girl is at a dance, standing with friends by a vacant table. Boys approach, but she turns them down.
"I don't get why you two never dated," Simon says, "you spend enough time with each other, what's the harm?"
Even asking you to dance... it felt so obvious, so natural. I knew you'd say yes. I knew you so well.
***
Our first kiss after school was so awkward, but I never knew why.
She closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. Joel didn't know where to put his hands, or how long he should kiss. The moment their lips touched, he was reminded of flowers.
"I, um." Her face became flush as she lowered herself from her tip toes. "Sorry." She lowered her eyes then walked off.
I never told you, but I stayed there for an hour. I just... couldn't stop thinking about it.
***
When you look at someone you like, you start to see new things - things you swear weren't there before.
Joel walked into the kitchen, letting himself into her place. She was cooking burgers, with lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles on the side. He asked for no tomatoes, "but you love tomato?" She replied.
"Always hated them, I just didn't want to upset you," he said nonchalantly as he sat on the kitchen counter.
I wanted to be honest with you, but you saw it as me lying, or that I was changing... I wasn't changing, I was just... being myself.
***
It's amazing how quickly things change, and how people's views turn on a dime.
"You spend so much time with him now. I mean, you don't even really like him like that," a young girl's voice echoed down the hall.
"Oh, shut up. It's not like that... I just... I don't know anymore."
Your friends never liked me, but you never let it get to you before. What changed?
***
We went from seeing each other every day, to completely avoiding each other.
"She still avoiding you, huh?" Simon asked, watching the girl roll her eyes then turn away when she noticed them down the hall.
"I don't care, it's just... effort now."
Why couldn't I just be honest... I missed you...
***
It's amazing how little it hurt at the time.
Joel had seen the girl waiting at the lights and approached. "Suze, come on, grow up will you?"
She cried, screamed something at him, then shoved him back.
I remember trying to find my balance. Even after the car hit me, and I was on the road, I just remember trying not to fall. It wasn't until I saw your face that I felt the pain.
***
I waited for two weeks in that bed, pressing that morphine button every few minutes.
"He's finding it hard to speak at the moment, because of the broken ribs," the nurse said. His parents were so tearful, he couldn't bear it.
He picked up a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote "I'm fine," then put two thumbs up.
I waited for you to walk in, but you never came.
***
I don't know when it happened, but I started to hate you.
Joel: Suze, it's fine, I don't blame you. Come on. You can't avoid me forever. Sent at 17:37.
Suze: Stop telling me what to do we're not together anymore Sent at 09.05.
I didn't hate you because of the accident. I hated you because you couldn't get over our relationship... I just... wanted my friend back.
***
Joel woke up against the wall with a sudden jolt and immediately grabbed his arm. Sweat dripped from his face as he struggled to breath. His ears rang and his head pounded. He wrapped his fingers over his shoulder and ran his hand down, surprised to find it intact. Relief flooded through him as he recalled what had happened, but the relief blended with confusion and shock; he felt certain he had died, yet here he was, alive and well in the game. His heart raced furiously and his breathing had become frantic. The memory of the cold, dull, feeling of the blade in his chest as it split him open, and the air rushing out of his body, were like a nightmare he couldn't shake.
I'm alive? He had to reassure himself. "I'm alive..." he said weakly with heavy breaths, as if trying to convince his mind what his body already knew.
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
He stood up, wanting to leave the room, but he tumbled back down after two steps when his weakened body betrayed him.
With his hands and knees on the floor, and sweat dripping from his face to form a puddle, he recalled the horror of the girl dying to the ogre again. But this time, with a strange reassurance that it likely felt completely painless, and instant. Kind of a nice way to go, he thought morbidly.
He looked at his right arm which propped him up, still part of his body. He sat, and delicately placed his left hand on it.
As he clutched his arm with an increasingly firm embrace, he slowly pushed himself into the corner of the room with his legs - sliding along the wooden floor as he did.
His vision filled with images of his own death, along with the memory of being hit by the car. It had felt so real - so final - that waking up felt... unfamiliar.
It's fine, I'm fine... I'm fine. Holy shit... "Holy shit..." he muttered to himself with a deflated breath. His eyes were wide and his heart wouldn't stop drumming against his chest. "I... I thought I was dead!? I'm... I'm fine!?"
His whole body shook, but no more than his right arm did; the feeling of death felt so instinctual - so all consuming - that he felt certain he was going to die. Not just in the game either, the shock had been so intense that he genuinely thought he was dying in the real world too. Visions of his life had flashed in front of his eyes while he had watched himself bleed to death from an aerial view. But it had been hazy, choppy even, like parts of a record scratched beyond recognition.
"I... used... the item?" Bit by bit he recalled what had happened, but it seemed faint, blurry, impossible to grab hold of. And then there was the dream afterwards, of Suze... of the accident.
The item... killed the creature?
With a sudden sense of panic, he looked up to the room before him. Clean. Organized. No dead prince or dead Tiberius. And no creature. Just a nice room, with a large bed - like one a king would sleep in. A fancy wardrobe with fancy curtains and a fancy rug. All things Joel felt confused to see after the chaotic and bloody battle, except for a few items in the center of the room: a horn and a longsword mavericky placed beside a chest, much like the one he had seen after the first wave. This one, however, looked like a metallic-silver color.
He looked on with a vacant expression, he didn't feel a sense of exhilaration or joy upon seeing it, just a faint realization that the wave had truly ended.
It's over? He looked up to the wave timer which had been stuck on 20.59.59. "It's over..." He breathed a soft sigh of relief and his shoulders relaxed a little. His heart still pumped furiously and his mind still felt heavy. But he was alive. It was over. At least, for the next twenty-one hours.
He thought about the battle that had raged outside, that had now given way to silence. His breath through his open mouth, and the faint sound of his own heartbeat were the only things he could hear.
It's really over. How many times am I going to feel like that!?
Not needing to find the cave exit or run away made him feel a little more comfortable as he sat huddled against the wall, and a strong desire to fall asleep gently washed over him. The moment he thought about the wave, a creeping sense of frustration pulled him back to reality. The realization that he had thrown away his golden ticket - the cleansing strike that could wipe any wave - here, when he could have simply ran away.
I should have left them, he thought bitterly. I couldn't help in the end either way and nearly died trying. What a stupid fucking waste.
Rubbing his fingers over his right arm again, he tried to piece back the sensation of his own skin. He held up his hand, which shook uncontrollably, as if it were an object he held rather than a part of his own body. They didn't feel like his hand - his arm. They felt plastic. Interchangeable.
He made a fist, then relaxed it, again, and again, until some semblance of normalcy returned to it.
That was seriously fucking stupid, he briefly remembered being alone in the room with the creature, and the sword in his chest; but the thought sent a shiver down his spine again and ripped the air from his lungs. It felt surreal. The dullness of it, the lack of feeling or emotion, but the overwhelming sense of death. Of stillness. Followed by the air leaving his body as his internal organs felt the cold chill of outside air for the first time. It felt haunting. Made worse now by the knowledge that he would likely be doomed to fail in the next round, and that he would have to experience death all over again.
One, final time.
***
The silence of the room felt comforting, as did the clean decor and vibrant colors. An image of Suze popped into his head for a moment, and what it meant to go home. Pain, he told himself, checking his body for any feeling of discomfort. There's still no pain here.
He had gotten used to thinking of Suze briefly over the last year. So much, in fact, that he had perfected the ability of immediately forget about her a moment later. It wasn't so much that he despised her, not now, not after so much time. No, now it had become something akin to apathy. He simply didn't care. But pain... pain always lay on his mind. Pain was something he had never mastered. But here, in this game, it had frequently become a passing thought, and when he did think of pain, it hadn't been the same chronic pain as before. It felt shorter. Like stubbing your toe: Intense, but short lived. Even the feeling of death had been short lived.
I can't believe he died, he thought of Tiberius. Old, strong, wise; died at the hands of something so akin to that of a human that Joel had to wonder what it could have been. He knew it spoke something, but he couldn't recall what. Even the final words of Roland were a fog that started to fade from his memory.
Never knew when to give up, eh? Was that it? That's why he was brave...
The folly of such a statement wasn't lost on Joel. He had known friends who never gave up, but they were boisterous, unapologetic, and hard headed. They weren't like Roland, not at all. Roland fought for others, and carried on in the face of death. Maybe Roland is what bravery should be? He sighed, unsure if he made sense. He wanted to be a man like Roland, but he didn't know where to start. Even if he did, it seemed like a path Joel knew he would fail to finish.
Bit by bit, his breathing steadied as he gave himself time to relax; the wave timer continuing to stay still. His mind slowed and his heartrate calmed. His body still felt tired, but he knew he had time to rest. His arm, however, continued to feel weird - like he had woken up after sleeping on it, and the blood still tired to push its way back.
The clock still isn't counting down, he scratched an itch on his ear. The timer had been acting odd since Joel started the game, dropping to zero twice already. But now it had stopped entirely, and he wondered why. Maybe I wasn't supposed to finish the wave so quickly? The thought made sense, but he had nothing to back that up. It did make him smile briefly though: the thought of fucking up the game developer's perfect plan.
The victory had been fleeting, however, as he again regretted his lack of knowledge on the game, his lack of awareness, or preparedness, his lack of understanding, and his shitty fighting ability. It all made him feel like a failure. Like a naive child who thought he could do something that Simon could do. But this world had been unrelenting, and harsh. Being fast or strong would not be enough - Joel would have to fully invest if he were to survive any longer, which felt too heavy a feeling for him to have because he knew how much more it would hurt after giving it his all and losing anyway. It was a pain everyone had felt at some point - a crippling form of risk aversion that protected people from their own failures.
Joel laughed at the thought. I'm scared to fail so I won't try. How fucking stupid is that!? But it was true, and he knew it.
He reflected back on his inability to fight against the creature, and how slow he truly was; dashing wasn't enough, he thought with frustration, even with so many points in it, I wasn't fast enough. He tried to picture what had happened while trying to ignore the feeling of the blade.
I did everything Lor said to... So it must have dodged, but was it because of my lack of speed, or was it just faster at reacting? Joel thought back to his passive skill [Quick Reflexes], and how the higher the skill became, the faster he would be able to react. I really have to level that, it might be the most useful skill I have.
His thoughts trailed back to his shoes, and how they had been filled with blood at one point. He had felt his toes break during that last dash too and removed his shoes to check, but his feet were perfectly fine.
I must have levelled again. It really does give a full heal? The thought that levelling would give such a benefit reminded him of so many games that weren't as generous. He tended to panic in such games: planning ahead, memorizing patterns, reading guides, storing potions, and so on, wasn't for him. He preferred the casual path, the one with few challenges so he could appreciate the story and enjoy levelling. Not like this. Not this chaotic solo run of his.
What a strange sense of irony, to end up in such an unforgiving game that I would usually avoid.
He thought back to Simon, and the vision of him in the cave. I'm sure that was just the game fucking with me - but I do have to wonder how much Simon knew. He took a deep breath, reminding himself once more of how he pointlessly wasted the cleansing strike. All for what? He couldn't stop the war, nor win it. Roland had surely died along with Claycel and the other soldiers. Then there was Tiberius and the prince who... The prince? Lor said her grandfather died failing to protect the prince!? He pieced it together bit by bit, then felt an even stronger sense of failure when he realized he could have saved her grandfather had he used the item earlier.
"Fuck..." he laughed slightly. "All I've done is fuck up," he cried. He briefly wondered if Simon could have done any better - but it didn't matter. He, Joel, had lost. And it would happen again. "Fine," he said softly, wiping away the dampness in his eyes. He stood up, breathed deeply as his legs trembled, and stretched his arms out. "One last wave. I'll give it my all - no matter what - and go home knowing I did my best. And the next time someone needs help..." He held several thoughts in his mind at the same time - but even he didn't know which one he believed.
He took a step, checking his balance had returned, then walk towards the items on the floor and the chest that had spawned.
Before opening the chest, he checked his character status to spend his skill point for having levelled up, then stood still with a bewildered look on his face as the page popped up.
"Huh?"
《Joel Bailey》《Level: 27. XP: 1221/10876》《Class: Runner》《Skill points: 93》
《Title: Friend of Vulpine Felis》
《Mana Capacity: 0/0》
《Strength: 15+2》
《Magic Power: 0》
《Agility: 15+5》
《Perception: 0》
《Physical Defence: 6+2》
《Elemental Defence: 1》
《Critical Chance: 1%》
《Critical Damage: 50%》
《Status Resistance: 0%》
《Equipment Loadout 1: [+]》