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Chapter 34– Troll March.
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"-And you've three lives to save." Thor's reply is his silence as he quietly follows the hulking troll into the depths beneath, wherever the hell we are, to a destiny whose nature he cannot guess... and he could never imagine. Or something to that effect. Having to just lay here and pretend to be unconscious is pretty boring, so I have to occupy myself somehow other than keeping an eye on my surroundings, which just seem to be stone and more stone.
For almost a full hour, the trolls proceed deeper and deeper into the catacombs through winding tunnels and arching caverns. At first, the sound of running water is faint, illusory. Then slowly, it grows louder... and becomes, at last, the roar of a mighty subterranean river. A last turn is taken, a last tunnel is descended, and then...
"A river here, beneath the Earth? I have heard of such things, but never have I ever seen one." Thor says, informing me that we are still indeed on Earth, just under a lot of it. Also, I am bewildered by the big river in this giant cavern we just entered. I knew that there was water underground, but never in the form of such a big river. I thought that would only ever be in the likes of Minecraft, but I guess not. This is clearly our destination since there are already a bunch of wooden rafts on the river waiting for us, and everybody has started to board them.
"Consider it an education, Thunder God," Ulik says as he climbs aboard a raft, the God of Thunder following him and the other trolls picking up oars and starting to sail us off down the cavern to wherever it is we are going. Damn, this feels like a one-way trip since we are now on the water, and I still don't know the way out of here. At least I know we are still on Earth. "So I shall, troll. But tell me this-" Thor begins, not at all fussed or bewildered with what is happening.
"-Where will this river take us?" Ulik turns at the questions and points down the dark path ahead of us. "To the very heart of this planer, Asgardian. To the core of the world!" I find myself having to stop an outward reaction at that because this motherfucker is on a journey to the centre of the motherfucking Earth. What the fuck? I did not wake up this morning and think I was going to be heading down into the Earth.
"And there- There you will learn the reason behind your abduction-" Yeah, call it abduction. Like you actually trussed him up like a chicken and threw him in the back of your white van. It's blackmail, you bloody oaf. You kidnapped his girlfriend and forced him to listen to your orders. Abduction, my ass. "There, you will meet Zotarr, The Troll Supreme!" ... You have got to be fucking with me.
I glance further into the darkness, and I can't believe what the fuck is happening. Troll Supreme? Like the Sorcerer Supreme? No, I am guessing the Troll Supreme is just the leader of the Troll species and not an all-powerful wizard or something. Most likely, Ulik has taken Thor because he wants to use him to Overthrow the hierarchy and become ruler of the Trolls. Have to say, kind of cliche, and the fact he has to blackmail someone else to help him become the ruler makes me think he is not at all fit to be the supreme. Still, Zotarr is a supreme kind of name if I've ever heard one. Pray for mercy from Zotarr, the Troll Supreme. Catchy.
The ride down the river is a lengthy one, and it is a very silent one except for the sounds of the water. I couldn't even make my move, either. I don't know if it was intellect or just dumb luck, but all three of us hostages have been split up onto different rafts. I could deal with that, but we have also been spread very far apart in the procession. Thor's girlfriend and Felicia are ahead of Uliks raft while I am behind it. I wish we could have all just been at the back so I could quickly spring up and take Felicia and the other woman, and jump onto the roof and run away, freeing Thor to kick ass, but that is not how this is going to go.
Looking forward, I can see that Thor's lady friend has actually woken up. However, no one has noticed, her eyes are wide open, but her back is to Thor and Ulik. And the Trolls are all focused on their rowing and are not looking down at their feet where the woman lays still, not making any sudden movement. Okay, so everyone is awake now. That's better. It would have been harder to make my move with an unconscious woman in play.
"Who is this creature thou doth call Zotarr, Ulik? And why dost thou bring me to him?" Thor finally asks after a lot of silence. Seriously, isn't it kind of obvious, he is the Troll Supreme? So most likely the ruler of all trolls or, at the very least, someone high up that is in charge of some very important stuff.
"I'd thought you'd have guessed by now, Asgardian." Yeah, Thor. You should know about this shit since the nine realms are supposed to be under your guys' jurisdiction. I should not be involved with this shit at all as a hapless, happily ignorant human. "Zotarr is an ally of Gierrodur, he who calls himself King of the Trolls!" Okay, now I am confused. The Troll Supreme isn't in charge? Maybe he is actually a magical troll. But wouldn't trolls be ruled by something like strength? Is the king stronger?
"Gierrodur, who, after my last battle with you, consigned me to the darkest pits of our underground world." Ulik begins, and I get the feeling it is going to be a monologue that will last the length of this river ride. And I think it is going to be a long ride down the river. "Where I was to spend eternity stoking the furnace which fed heat to our mighty forge." I am just going to stop commentating on all of this. A furnace? A Forge? I don't know. This is all out of my wheelhouse.
"He considered this a fit punishment for my plot to steal his kingdom." Wait, so did Thor go and beat back Ulik when he tried to become kind of the trolls and then Ulik was punished? "But, by condemning me, he ultimately condemned himself! When the opportunity arose to escape, I seized the opportunity, knocked out a guard, and fled deeper into the Earth than any troll had ever gone before." Wait, does he mean Earth Earth? Or literal Earth, like the ground. Do Trolls live underground on planet Earth?
"After many days of aimless wandering, I came upon a hidden cavern far below those levels inhabited by the trolls of Gierrodur. There I discovered a lost tribe of trolls, who accepted me as their leader after I disposed of their chief. I also discovered this river..." Oh, so the trolls do live deep underground on planet Earth unless I misunderstood earlier, and we travelled through some kind of portal. But I am sure it was said we were still on Earth.
"Which will bring us to Gierrodur, where I will finally take my revenge!" But isn't Thor the one who thwarted your plans? The king punished you, but you kind of deserved it. But it was Thor that stopped you. Otherwise, you would be king. Shouldn't the revenge be against Thor? "I think I understand," Thor says, and I agree. I am pretty sure I know what his plan is now.
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"Thou doth plan to use me against this Zotarr-" Thor begins, and Ulik closes in on him, raising his clenched fist. "-while I attack the Troll King! Exactly Thor." A two-pronged attack. Presumably, this Troll Supreme is as strong as the Troll King or at least close to it, and so he needs Thor to help him take over the Troll Kingdom.
Thor opens his mouth to respond, but before he can speak, there is a snarling roar and an eruption of fetid water. "Fires of Hell! A Sea Demon!" And where there was calm a moment before, there is suddenly chaos! A giant green water snake thing has risen from the water, sending it crashing. It was thick and long and very green. It seemed like a mix of a snake and a dragon, given the massive fangs and its long tongue. To make it even more menacing was a mane of bright green hair surrounding its head.
Without thought, the Thunder Gof springs forward, throwing forth his might Mjolnir. His hammer arcs through the murky air, and it connects, smashing into the snout of the beast. And yet, the creature lunges on, uninjured! Off balance, the blond-haired Asgardian is unable to avoid the monster's thrust. He is flung backwards, stumbling, but not for long.
Grimly, the God of Thunder regains his feet. For the battle had just begun, and I settled in to watch the fight unfold. Thor is taking on the beast while Ulik and the rest of the trolls watch on. I cannot act now since they will stop me, especially Ulik. Again, I must wait for the proper time. Now is not the time.
"Stand and fight, beast, and thou shalt know what others already understand!" Thor roars, leaping up hammer first at the gigantic beast. "Thor is God of Thunder!" He lands atop the beast's head, who is too busy chewing on a troll. "Son of Odin!" And then he raises his hammer high into the sky and brings it down with the force of a mountain. "Lord Prince of Asgard!" There is a mighty boom as Thor and the creature go down, disappearing beneath the depths of the water.
"By the seven rings! He's done it!" Ulik shouts, watching as Thor rises in the water, his head popping out of the water, his face stoic. "Throw him a line, you fools! Quickly, before the monster's swell drags him under!" Ulik commands his men, who quickly throw a rope out to Thor. To be honest, I had no idea what he meant by swell. What the hell does that mean?
"Well done, Asgardian! Never have I seen such form- such fighting bravery! Why, 'twas almost as great as my own!" Ulik says as Thor climbs back aboard the raft, pumping his fist into the Asgardians chest. However, I have no time to watch them any more as I have noticed a bigger problem, one that signifies that we have reached the end of our journey, as we are now at the end of the river, and we were expected.
"So, you have chosen to return, have you, traitor?" A voice says, and everybody focuses on it, looking at the entrance to the cave ahead of us and finding a whole army of Trolls waiting for us. One of them, a bald one, the one that just spoke, leads them, a metal ring around his head, and he wears a cape and some green and gold armour. Besides him is a massive metal man, presumably a troll, who is covered head to toe in metal and green and purple clothing, spikes everywhere, and he carries a giant double-headed axe.
"Gierrodur! I hadn't expected to encounter you so soon, Troll King." Ulik says, expressing mild surprise at the dude with the circlet and the gold armour who is, to no one's surprise, the king of the trolls. "That is obvious, perfidious one. However, you have encountered me." Replies Gierrodur, which is a name that definitely has more than one r and would probably be a hassle to write down. It would probably be easier to just call him Troll King and not have to double-check the name all the time.
"In point of fact, you are trespassing on land belonging to my Kingdom." The Troll King takes a step forward, and I have to say he is one ugly-looking mother fucker. Like, all the trolls are, but at the least, they wear helms that cover it a little, and Ulik has hair that takes away from it, but the king is bald and super grotesque. "To request an explanation would be superfluous-" Meaning it is obvious why Ulik is here. Damn, for such ugly guys, they really know how to talk fancy.
"-since your ambitions have already been recognised!" Here, he points his finger out at Ulik, turning to the metal giant beside him. "Zotarr, dispose of this traitor and his accomplices! Including that blonde-haired devil, Thor!" So, the big metal giant is Zotarr, the Troll Supreme. I guess he is pretty supreme, given his height and that massive fucking axe he has with him, and it makes you wonder why he himself isn't trying to aim for the crown.
"If you have a god, pray to him, blond hair. Soon, you will be in his arms!" Zotarr screams, suddenly lunging forward and jumping with immense speed. "Beware! The giant jumps- Uhhhh!" Ulik informs a little too late, and before he can even finish, the giant lands and sends everyone topsy-turvy. Capsized by the mighty impact of Zotarr's enormous frame, the lead raft flounders, drawing the attention of everyone and also the now clearly awake woman. A moment passes as she gapes in wonder at her surroundings.
"Thor!" She shouts, having witnessed her boyfriend plummet into the water, though thankfully, the sound is too much, and nobody, not even the trolls on the same raft as her, notices her outburst. I can see her literal thought process as she looks around, seeing that we are underground in a cavern and the numerous trolls around us and then she realises her own position as a hostage, and she isn't about to stay one. She suddenly kicks out, hitting the back of a troll and sending them into the cascading waters.
Seeing her do that and knowing that this is the best chance, I quickly spring into action, jumping from my own position to start punching and kicking every ugly thing in my path, not holding back and putting them down. I can see Felicia on her raft also do the same, getting up and clawing out a lot of eyes with her claws, definitely pissed about what had happened. She also keeps her distance and stays cautious, not wanting the same thing to happen again.
"Thou art an arrogant giant, troll, and an ignorant one!" I hear Thor say in the distance, smashing his fist into the giant's face while Ulik bear hugs its back. Neither of them has noticed that the hostages are no longer hostages, much more focused on their fight. "Thor doth need no gods for prayer verily-" Thor says, pulling back his might hammer and then thrusting it forward.
"-Thor is a god himself!" And bam, Mjolnir slams into the metal helmet of the giant, sending sparks everywhere, and I find it surprising that the troll's armour is actually holding up against the magical hammer. "Keep fighting, Asgardian! I'm almost upon him!" Ulik roars, climbing up Zoltarrs back and reaching towards Zotarrs head until Thor wallops the giant once more.
"No! The force of your hammer blow- staggering him! I can't- Arrrgh!" Ulik says as Zoltarr staggers backwards now on the ground once more and falls back into the side of the cave, smashing Ulik into it. And then, realising that Ulik is behind him, Zoltarr turns to face him. "You are an insect, traitor. And do you know what I do with insects?" The giant troll wraps his hands around Ulik and picks him up, holding him aloft like a Barbie doll as he prepares to break him.
"I crush them, like-" He says, though he is interrupted by Mjolnir shooting across the cave and slamming into his face once more, forcing him to lose his grip, allowing Ulik to drop to the ground, free. "Ho, giant! Hast thou so soon forgotten?" Thor says, his hand up, ready for his hammer to zoom back to it, his hand clasping it tight.
"Thou dost have a quarrel with me as well as Ulik! And though Ulik has fallen, I still stand." I am surprised that Ulik is already down since he gave my spider sense such a fright, but I guess Zoltarr must really be powerful to put that guy down so quickly. He is taking blows from Mjolnir, and all it is doing is staggering him a bit. "So turn and face me if thou dare!" Thor roars, getting into his stance, Mjolnir in the air, ready to shoot forward.
"I dare, blonde hair..." Zoltarr says, and then he zips forward faster than you would think possible for someone his size and swings his broad axe down at Thor's head. "For I am Zoltarr the Troll Supreme!" Thor hops back, avoiding the blow, the axe smashing into the stone and sending debris everywhere.
"What an odd name, Zotarr. 'Tis full of pretension. Methinks it doth suit thee, troll." Damn, what is with all these medieval aliens waxing poetic and saying fancy words? How about just a fuck you, and then a return your mum and then just roaring at each other as you beat the shit out of each other. This shit is so stupid.
"For thou art indeed a pretentious buffoon and dost need a cutting down to size!" He punctuates his words by launching Mjolnir forward, faster than ever before, and Zoltarr can do nothing as it curves through the air, smashing into his left knee and then moving on to the right knee, bringing Zoltarr down to his knees. "Arhhhhh! My knees!" He screams, probably not having felt such pain before, protected by that armour of his.
"Thou art now a perfect height, Troll," Thor says. Zoltarr is now the same height as Thor, who rolls up, readying his right fist for Zoltarrs face. "Thy pain was for the best since it has given thee a new perspective on life." While all this wordplay and exchanges are too wordy for me, I can't help but admit that it is definitely badass. He brought him to his knees, called him a perfect height and then said it was better for him since it gave him a new perspective. Maybe I should put more thoughts into my battle talk than just the urge to say stupid quips.
"Let this also be for the best, and may it teach thee to accept thy status-" Thor says, bringing his arm down like the hammer of a god and smashing it into Zoltarrs face, blasting him back. "-forever!" Thor finishes as Zoltarrs helm smashes to pieces, bits being sent in every which direction.
His body now floats in the water, and he is definitely not getting back up.