Jefferson was nervous about the next session. He had thought long and hard about the previous meeting with Amanda, and he was still as unsure about what he wanted to say to her today. He had spent weeks thinking about it, but all well his mind was unable to come up with something. A total blank. He even tried rehearsing what he could say in the mirror that morning while he was shaving. He got so tangled up in what he was to say that Jefferson almost cut himself a few times. As much as Jefferson didn’t like the idea of winging an appointment, he had a feeling that how the hour would go would also depend on what Amanda brought to the discussion as well. He was going to play defense most of the hour, much like he did the previous week, with the hopes that some time helped Amanda realize that her transference was not healthy and might interfere with her therapy. If she refused to let it go, Jefferson knew what would have to be done. He’d have to report it to a supervisor and request advice on what he should do next. He didn’t like the idea of bringing someone else into a client’s therapy, but he had to inform a colleague to at least give the appearance that he was trying his best to resolve the matter without going outside the lines and remaining professional.
When the hour came, Jefferson took a deep breath before buzzing the young woman into his office. As Amanda strolled into the room, Jefferson could already tell there was something different. She was wearing something quite professional, and it appeared that this session might not be as confrontational than the previous one was. She looked great, and more formal rather than the casual look Amanda had before. It gave Jefferson the impression that this might be a very productive interview, but would have to wait and see if he turned out to be that lucky. While she appeared to be ready to attack, there was a positive sign, as Amanda showed up for her appointment with two cups from a local barista.
“I brought tea,” she said, giving Jefferson a warm smile. “You still take it with two sugar, milk and a pinch of honey?”
“Yes, that’s right.” Jefferson said, holding the door open for her. “I’m flattered that you remember.”
“You take the time to remember for those you care about,” Amanda said as she handed him a cup and took her own cup to her seat and sat down. Jefferson refused to take the bait, and chose to let the comment pass as he preferred to let the gift of tea be the focus to open the session.
“Thank you very much,” Jefferson said, as he sat down and took a nice sip of his cup. “This is very nice.”
“I don’t chince out.” Amanda said, “I prefer the best. And for the record, I’m not calling you chincy because I don’t know if you are. I am only speaking for myself and no one else. I like this place and liking paying an extra dollar for high quality. Anything wrong with that?”
“Not at all,” Jefferson said, taking her at her word. “I never took the comment as anything kind of slight.”
“Good to hear,” Amanda said, as she gave him a warm smile. “Don’t exactly have to be a clairvoyant to know what we will be focusing on today. Am I right?”
“Well, before we drag that cat back out of the bag,” Jefferson corrected her, “I would prefer to start with how your week was, make sure we cover that first just in case there’s anything that happened you might want to talk about.”
“It was alright, actually.” Amanda said, acting surprised herself. “For some reason, things just seemed a bit easier after visiting you last week. I left that day with a burden removed from my shoulders. I felt lighter and able to do more and it led to a very positive week.”
“So work was fine,” Jefferson said, as he continued to pry, “No issues there or at home?”
“No, not one.” Amanda confirmed, “I even had some good talks with my mother and even she noticed how different I sounded over the phone. This burden was just pinning me down, and I’m so glad to be free of it.”
“This burden you’re talking about,” Jefferson said, “You’re referring to what we talked about last week?”
“Yes, when I confessed how much I love you,” Amanda said, as she even smiled at the thought of it. “I don’t like keeping secrets, and letting go of this just made me feel so much better.”
“Despite the fact that the love cannot be reciprocated.” Jefferson asked.
"Says you,” Amanda said, smiling again. “You are more than capable.”
"Capable, probably.” Jefferson said, “It’s more that I’m not willing.”
“And why aren’t you willing?” Amanda demanded, as her tone seemed to have a little more sharpness to it. “Am I not good enough?”
“I didn’t say that,” Jefferson replied, “That isn’t it. If this were any other circumstance, or we didn’t have this professional relationship, to hear you say those words to me would have made me the luckiest man on the planet. But I’m not able to say that, quite the opposite. There are commitments, vows, and even oaths that prevent me from taking accepting your statement. I’m sorry that I can’t accept your words with open arms, I really am. Yet I can’t do it.”
“Do you not care about me?” Amanda asked.
“Yes, I do.” Jefferson answered, “I care about you a great deal, Amanda. I’d be a pretty shitty therapist if I didn’t. I care about your mental well being, and the progress of your therapy. This is why I follow the rules, because they’re made to protect you and ensure that we conduct ourselves with dignity and respect. Like your tea, you deserve the best.”
Stolen story; please report.
Amanda sat there for a moment to process the words Jefferson just lobbed out her way.
“Good comeback,” she finally said, “I can’t tell if that was meant as a slight or a compliment. You certainly have a way with words.”
“I don’t mean to confuse you,” Jefferson said to her, “And I mean to be honest with you, as much as I can be while maintaining our professional status. We have to respect the rules if you want to remain my a patient.”
“That sounds like a threat,” Amanda said, taken aback by it.
“It’s not a threat,” Jefferson replied, “It’s a boundary. A line that we cannot cross if you want to remain my patient. You’re free to talk about your feelings for me, but I cannot. We cannot act on them either. These are boundaries you have to respect of you want to continue seeing me.”
“I don’t like it,” Amanda confessed, “But you’re being honest with me, and that much I appreciate. So many times I’ve dated men who were unable to articulate where we stood, and you’re doing the exact opposite. You’re telling me exactly where we stand and what I can and cannot expect to get from our relationship. I may not like some of what you’re telling me, but at least you’re being open and frank about it.”
“I’ve always been truthful with you,” Jefferson said, “Even when that truth is unpopular. I don’t like to say things that aren’t welcome, but your mental health is worth being the occasional bad guy for.”
“Thanks,” Amanda said, “I wish I could find someone out there who wants to be that open and honest with me.”
“There are good men out there, Amanda.” Jefferson said, “And many of they would consider themselves very lucky to associate with someone as charming and articulate as yourself. I hope you find one out there that makes you happy. That’s all I wish for my clients; to get back out there and find something that makes they happy.”
“How often does that happen?” Amanda asked.
“Not as often as I would prefer,” Jefferson confessed, “But it does happen. Have faith and stick with the program, and one of them might be you one day.”
“You really mean that?” Amanda asked.
“I can promise you this much,” Jefferson said, “I will do whatever I can to help you get there. If we fail, it will not be from a lack of trying.”
“But it can’t be with you?” Amanda asked.
“I’m afraid not,” Jefferson confirmed, “It’s forbidden."
“There’s that word again,” Amanda said, sighing.
“Rules are there for a reason,” Jefferson added, “Often to protect vulnerable people from being exploited, and abused. While I don’t need rules to stop myself from doing that, they’re in place to encourage less than honorable doctors from crossing that line. It’s for the greater good, and I think it’s a small price to pay to safeguard patients form being manipulated and mistreated. I’m sorry, Amanda, but this is the way things have to be.”
“I just wish I could get to know you,” Amanda said, “I remember you said that at our last session, how I never really knew you.”
Jefferson sat there for a moment and recalled what exactly he had told her. That she couldn’t be in love with him because she didn’t know him beyond their therapy. She only knew him on a professional level, and nothing else. He smiled at the thought and an idea came to him.
“I’ll tell you what,” Jefferson said, hoping to strike a compromise. “If you stick to your therapy and make some good strides, I’d be willing to share some details about my personal life so you can get to know me. We can’t have a personal relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can know small details about my life. I’m willing to share some of them with you if you’re willing to keep working on your therapy and keep it professional.”
“Really?” Amanda said, intrigued by the idea, “You meant that?”
“I do,” Jefferson said, “But I’m only willing to share if you promise not to push for a relationship beyond what we have here. I’ll let you get to know me a bit more if you’re willing to work hard on yourself.”
“I like this,” Amanda said, feeling excited about it. “So what comes first?”
“To prove how sincere I am,” Jefferson replied, “I’m willing to go first, but I’m only going to start with a very small, minute detail. A small teaser, and the further we go on, the more personal I’ll try to make them without going too far.”
“Oh, I like this idea.” Amanda said, sitting up as she was excited. “What are you going to tell me first?”
“We’ll start with something simple,” Jefferson reminded her. “Today’s topic will be … pizza.”
“Pizza?” Amanda repeated, “How can that be something personal?”
“It’s more personal that you think,” Jefferson explained, “You can tell a lot about a person by what they put on their pies.”
“Is that so?” Amanda asked.
“Quite,” Jefferson replied, “For example; what do you put on your pizza?”
“Well, I’m not a picky person,” Amanda explained, “I usually tend to go with what everyone else wants if it’s within reason.”
“You see,” Jefferson started, “I can tell by that answer that you’re a caring, easy going, and considerate person. You’re willing to compromise for the greater good and avoid conflict whenever you can.”
“That’s very interesting,” Amanda said, quite impressed.
“Now answer this,” Jefferson asked, “If you were going to order a pizza just for yourself, and you and control over all toppings, what would you get?”
“I guess it would be just veggies, and extra cheese,” Amanda answered, “I’ve been trying to reduce my meat intake lately.”
“That’s interesting, and quite responsible.” Jefferson noted.
“But what about you?” Amanda asked, “I want to know what you’d get on your pizza.”
“That answer can vary sometimes,” Jefferson answered, “Depending on where the pizza is coming from. But if it was just me ordering from anywhere, my preference is black olives, onions, and anchovies.”
“Anchovies?” Amanda said, her face somewhat stunned.
“Yes,” Jefferson confirmed, “I love anchovies on a pizza, but I rarely have them because no one else likes them. My oldest son likes them, so I get to order them with him whenever we’re watching a hockey game together. My youngest son only likes pepperoni and cheese, and nothing else. So usually when we order at my house, we have to get two or three slabs.”
“That’s a lot of pizza,” Amanda noted.
“I don’t mind,” Jefferson said, smiling. “Besides, leftover pizza is the breakfast of champions.”
“Is it now?” Amanda said, laughing out loud.”
“It can be if you’re not in the mood to cook in the morning,” Jefferson said, as he was enjoying their new banter.
“I can’t believe you like anchovies,” Amanda said.
“I’m afraid so,” Jefferson said, “I order them whenever I can. This proves that even with the smallest detail, you can learn so much about someone and what their personality is like. Don’t be afraid to use this example when looking for someone special. Asking what they like on pizza can teach you a lot about someone and if they’re right for you.”
“That’s quite interesting,” Amanda admitted, “I never knew such a small detail could tell so much.”
“There are many more details you can apply that will tell you a lot about any person.” Jefferson told her, “And I can keep sharing mine as an example if you’re willing to keep your side of our deal.”
"I really like this idea,” Amanda said, as she seemed genuinely happy to know something about him. “I will keep my end. I can’t wait to learn more!”
"I’m happy to hear that,” Jefferson said, glad to see her excitement, “That that’s going to have to wait until next week, cause our time is almost up.”