“He loved her to the point of madness, so much so, that even living felt bleak without her. Isn’t that beautiful?” Taehyun sipped on his coffee.
18th July
Only one more day.
“Hyung, you’re doing it again” He said, stirring his caramel macchiato with the straw.
“Sorry! Sorry”
Beomgyu, stop fucking zoning out!
“What about you, hyung? What would you do?” His wrist stopped momentarily, creating a beautiful swirl in the coffee for a moment before his gaze fixed on me. “Would you also kill yourself?”
“No, I would not. The grief of losing your daughter is very hard but that doesn’t mean you should let the grief consume you whole. Life must go on and so should we”
Taehyun was the first to break the eye contact as he averted his eyes slightly.
“Well, isn’t that the perfect answer. But hyung, that’s not the reality” he said, letting out a soft chuckle. The coffee swirled again as Taehyun stirred it slowly.
“It might not seem like it right now but looking back after a long time, you would find your life worth living. You would feel happy to…and proud of yourself that you didn’t give in but kept going”
“How do you know?” He mumbled, not addressing anyone particularly.
My eyes swept over the place. People were laughing and giggling, the door must’ve creaked as people walked in and out and the table must’ve banged too as a young man kept slapping it in a fit of laughter or frustration; I couldn’t hear it. My eyes widened slightly before they fell on Taehyun and my tightly knit shoulders finally slumped.
I don’t. I could say I did, but I didn’t. I was just a…fraud. An imposter.
“I don’t” I answered, stopping for a moment “But I wouldn’t know if I didn’t and…that hope is enough for me”
I wasn’t allowed to feel this way. Not when I had lost my past self.
“Oh! hyung, I can’t meet you tomorrow. I’m going out”
“Where?”
“Just somewhere” Taehyun shrugged, staring out the window.
“Then what about day after tomorrow?” I chewed on my lips, willing my hands to calm down and not hit the table again.
“It’ll be a while. A very long time” His gaze turned towards me “Kinda like a vacation. A…very…very long vacation” the skin around his eyes crinkled as his lips stretched wide. He got up abruptly as he stared at his watch. “It’s time. Well, see you later!” He said, waving enthusiastically.
“Wai-
He was already out the door by the time I came to my senses.
---
“Your application has been accepted” I said, stamping the papers. “You’re officially not the student of Seoul University of Literature anymore” I struck my hand out, barely loosening my grip on the papers.
“Alright. Thank you, Hyung”
He grabbed the papers, maybe a little forcefully or maybe I was holding on too tight. I couldn’t tell but I dearly felt the loss of papers. The door opened and I flinched, putting my hand down abruptly and groaning lightly as they hit the table.
It’s over.
---
I couldn’t find a way. Is this how it ends? Is this how I fail? I sighed, tracing my gloomy face in the lake before fixing my gaze on the familiar tree with an unfamiliar person sitting under it; on my spot. I squinted but could scarcely make out the figure.
As I walked closer, the blurry figure became clearer and clearer until my steps halted momentarily and my eyes widened in surprise.
Taehyun.
Why was he here?
Was this the final goodbye?
Shit, what the fuck am I thinking!? This is my chance. One last chance and I would be a fool and a very regretful fool at that to not take it.
My pace fastened despite Taehyun waving at me and despite my jelly legs that could trip any moment, that is if my mind hadn’t already.
“Hel-
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“Why are you here?”
“Hello to you too” Taehyun smiled cheekily. “I have come to like your company more than I had expected. I’ll miss this. Ah, did I weird you out?” he said, sweeping his eyes off the lake and onto me.
You won’t miss this if you stay right here.
“I like your company too” I said softly. I wanted to say something. I could see that and Taehyun could definitely see that from the expression that reflected onto the lake yet he didn’t say a thing.
Just three days.
I didn’t need to think of something to say, something to fill the silence, anything.
I like your company too. It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t pity either…Was I feeling sad? For someone I’d met just three days ago? Would I miss him too…like a friend? I am desperate.
“Can I come with?”
I plucked the grass harder and faster.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven…Forty nine. Or was it fifty?
Taehyun got up. My heart beat faster. My hands froze momentarily before pulling onto the grass aggressively.
“7 o’clock. Here”
My movements stilled.
“Yes” I let out, barely a whisper.
“Yes” I chuckled.
They say, you’re the truest form of yourself in the face of death. So, what was Taehyun’s truth? Friendship stemmed from loneliness? Or self-loathing? I couldn’t think of. And I didn’t want to either.
I’ll wait.
As long as I have to.
Maybe forever. Maybe not in this life.
But I’ll wait.
Time passes fast when you’re in crisis and so it wasn’t long before a car parked right in front of me and a black head popped out of the window.
“Um, where are we going?”
“Isn’t that too late to ask?” Taehyun chuckled. “Buckle up”
It’s been an hour or so since we started and except for the fact that we’re going somewhere out of Seoul, I knew nothing nor would Taehyun reveal anything to me. It wouldn’t be far-fetched to think that I’ll be murdered and buried in the woods.
Sometimes, I wonder if I had revealed that I had read all of it. Where would we be then? Probably not here. The moment I think about telling him the truth, his face scrunched in anger and sadness at the betrayal fills my mind and I lose my resort. Or maybe that’s how I would feel.
When you realize that the person you considered a friend was only with you because he pitied you- it didn’t feel right, no, it wasn’t right.
Was there even a justification for my behavior? Not for Taehyun but for me. Was there?
Is ‘pity’ such a bad thing?
How many times I had written the main character being so opposed to pity- it was so natural back then but now…
Had Taehyun become my muse?
“You can sleep hyung. Don’t mind me”
I jerked awake, my half-closed eyelids snapping open.
“Huh” Oh, we’re not on the highway anymore.
“Just sleep” Taehyun chuckled.
“Umm…mmh”
---
“Why are we…on the beach?”
Taehyun’s gaze fell on me and our eyes met.
“Because, this is where it all started. And so- His voice softened, his gaze on the sea -This is where it all ends” his lips titled up slowly and a light scoff left them.
I sucked in a breath sharply before forcing out a smile.
It was dark. The sea was dark like an abyss that would swallow anything and everything that came in its way. I had loved it, or that’s what I felt during the flashes of incoherent memories during the nights when I try so hard to think every so often even after bearing hardly any fruits but now, I couldn’t be so sure.
The sea looked every bit terrifying.
“The Tv is in here, not outside. Or are you so scared of horror movies?” Taehyun laughed, squeezing the pillow.
“As if!” I scoffed. “I’ll let you know, me and Soobin have many horror movie nights and I have never been scared, even once! but-I grinned-looking at your face may scare me for the first time!” I yelped as Taehyun smacked me on the face with the pillow.
“You!” I hit him right back. We burst into laughters and giggles.
Laughing even harder as Taehyun’s messy hair stood up like he had been electrocuted and I probably looked every bit-if not more-crazy, like a mad scientist!
“My stomach hurts” I heaved, speaking between laughter.
Taehyun grinned.
“Wh-at?”
“Nothing” Taehyun nodded, side to side.
“Why are you smiling like that?”
“I don’t know hyung, I just can’t stop” he said, grinning as wide his jaw would allow and I switched off the lights, abruptly.
“It’s 3 now. I’m sleeping” I turned towards my side, facing away from Taehyun.
“Me too” Taehyun mumbled. “Goodnight Hyung!” I could hear him giggling for a moment before it got quiet and I greatly regretted it.
An empty mind is a devil’s workshop and so I gulped down the sleeping pill and only then could I get a sense of relief.
---
19th July
“We’re not here to swim, are we?” The sand felt cool over my hands as they slid from my right palm before I buried them right back in.
“You ready for a sappy story?”
“Mmm” I stared at the sand slipping away from hands. Slipping and slipping. I couldn’t hold on to it.
“Well, once upon a time, there lived a very cute child who came here on a vacation where he met another very cute child. They played all day long during the whole vacation which was-Taehyun’s eyebrows scrunched momentarily, looking up-about 3 weeks? Anyways, they had become so close they didn’t want to leave each other and maybe the universe had heard their prayers because they turned out to be in the same preschool-Taehyun scoffed-Isn’t that cute? Not anymore~
“They grew up right until highschool where he left me. Just like that. No number, no whereabouts right when-Taehyun sucked in a breath-Some bad shit happened”
His lips went unnaturally wide as he looked at me “How’s that?”
“That…is pretty bad storytelling” I nodded, a light smile playing on my lips.
“Yea. Yea, it is” He murmured softly, gazing over at the sun setting in the horizon.
Tomorrow. The day has come.
My shoulders tightened.
I had to do something. Anything.
But what?
---
“Whatcha doin?” I asked, walking out of the shower.
Taehyun looked up, sitting a little upright on the bed as he ruffled through the pages, stopping just when he got hold of rectangular piece of paper and pushed his hand out.
“What? What is this?” I asked, my tone unnaturally high pitch at the last of my words as I stared at the train ticket. For one person. For me.
Only me.
“I’ll come back later. But you-he pointed a finger towards me, his right eyebrow arching up as a matter of fact- you’re going home early” Taehyun replied firmly.
“Why? Why can’t we go together?”
“Because there are some things I need to do and I need to be alone for it. I can’t tell you more than that” Taehyun replied. “Please hyung, stop asking” His voice softened, barely a whisper before he went back to reading his book.
“Where are you going?”
“Out. For a walk”
The door slammed shut.
Think calmly Beomgyu. Be calm. Calm down. Just calm the heck down!
---
“When will you be back?”
“After a few days. Now go! The train is going to start” Taehyun chuckled, pushing me in.
“Aren’t you coming with me till the train?”
“What are you? A baby? Go on your own. Byeee!!” Taehyun waved until he disappeared into the crowd.
Is this it?
Had I failed?