Had I failed?
No.
11:30
I pushed myself to run faster. This was it. The moment where it all ends or maybe it’s the beginning. I wouldn’t know, not until I reached my destination.
“Why are we…on the beach?”
The streetlights flickered faintly and the sound of footsteps was the only thing I could hear. Shit, if only I was athletic. Crazy. What am I thinking? Taehyun!...Taehyun!
11:50
Caution!
Visitors are advised not to swim at night. Adhere to the safety rules.
I breathed in harshly. The dull ache in my legs crept on me. I can’t stop. Pitch black. I traced back the steps to this evening.
11.55
It was dark, almost black but not quite against the silhouette of an inconspicuous figure crouched on the ground, just at the edge of the shoreline. Unmoving. Lonely. Sad.
I took quiet steps and hid behind a rock, the distance was a little far but that was the only place I could hide because-
If Taehyun stopped. If the few days we spent made him stop- I couldn’t break that moment. I couldn’t intrude.
Time stood still. It felt like time would stand still forever until the sound of waves hitting across the shoreline, like a big fat slap, kept taunting – the clock is ticking.
11.59
The silhouette came to life. Taehyun got up and kept walking and walking and walking-
“TAEHYUN!!”
The figure stopped, just for a moment. He didn’t look back. He ran.
“TAEHYU-” A series of coughs strung from my throat. I didn’t realize when my calves became wet until a force pushed me back, not powerful but there. Taehyun was getting far and far away.
The waves were powerful despite me being a good swimmer but Taehyun wasn’t. He wasn’t far away anymore.
The body felt cold and only then the coldness of the sea seem to seep into my own skin. We just kept getting farther and farther, no matter how much I flailed my hands around or maybe I was getting closer.
“TAEHYUN!! WAKE UP! YOU CAN’T GIVE UP!!”
“HELP!!!”
My vision distorted but I never stopped moving my hands. The shore was getting nearer and I pushed myself like I’ve never before.
The grating sand against my knees and palms felt soothing. I huffed. My hands gave out, my elbows crashing onto the ground. My chest hurt as I greedily breathed in. I want to drop down and close my eyes. But I can’t.
Taehyun’s body was cold like ice. I hooked an arm under his knees and back and carried him up, standing for a moment to stop my trembling legs from not crashing down from the sheer weight.
“T-t-t-ae- Yo-u-u can-t
I hardened my jaw, pushing my teeth firmly against each other but I couldn’t stop chittering.
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“Wwa-kke up”
---
Small air bubbles surfaced the boiling porridge. I saved him but…now what? My body slumped against the bed frame since I could think. My mind was not hazy anymore nor could it ignore the consequences.
It’s true when they say; Ignorance is bliss.
The light felt especially bright as I opened my eyes, my gaze inevitably drawn to the cold shivering figure yet a face so calm and guileless, it really irked the mind.
“Don’t look so annoyed when you’re the one who saved me”
I flinched only to find those lifeless eyes staring at me. There was no amusement in his scratchy voice, one could even describe it as somewhat-bitter.
“Have some porridge. It’s still hot” I said, gesturing towards the porridge placed on the bedside table.
His intense stare never quite left me even until as he finished drinking the porridge.
“Then I’ll wash them” I said nervously, just about to take bowl back when a strong force gripped my hanging wrist. I couldn’t get him off. Fuck, how strong was he? I could only wait as he placed the bowl calmly back on bedside table before grabbing the glass of water beside it.
I couldn’t know what was going through his head. The hairs on my arm stood up unnaturally. The area around his hand felt itchy, like a rash that just wouldn’t go but no matter how subtly I tried to get his hand off, he was just too strong.
Was he always this strong?
“Don’t you know, you should make eye-contact with the person you’re speaking to. Hasn’t anyone taught you manners? Hyung?” His voice softened at the last word. It was daunting.
I gulped. My palm resting on my thigh felt clammy and sweaty and slippery and so damn itchy, the fabric crumpled under my tightly clamped fingers so much so, I could feel the nails poking ever so slightly on my palm through the cloth.
“Look up”
I won’t say it twice. He didn’t say that but I could hear it loud and clear, sort of hypnotizing as my head tilted up against my will.
“Did you read it?”
Don’t even think of lying.
“Answer me Hyung”
My heart beat fast. It would probably beat out of my chest.
“Y-yes”
The silence persisted and I panicked. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to deal with it and I didn’t want to lose your trust and make you think- I breathed in sharply. I was hysterical. -I didn’t want you to think that our friendship meant nothing. That’s not my intention. Please! Don’t misundersta-uhp” I couldn’t stop hiccupping. My cheeks were wet. When? I was already trying to rub my teary eyes.
“Shh, It’s okay hyung” I was pressed on his hot body, the hug was unusually tight as he rubbed soothing circles on my back. “I’m not mad. Of course, I understand how it must feel. It must be very scary, right hyung?”
I nodded lightly, only burying myself deeper onto chest before pulling myself back up.
I calmed down, drinking a few sips of water although even that made me nervous as Taehyun never really ceased to stare at me intently.
“Are you still thinking about…
“Killing myself” He deadpanned.
I winced before nodding slightly.
“Of course I am”
“You can get better, once you start going to therapy, you can get bette-
“Hyung”
My lips shut close.
“I don’t want to get better or whatever this better is. None of this is your fault if you turn around and leave”
“I-
“If not then don’t regret it”
---
It’s been two days. Two silent days. Two days without talking. He gets up, eats everything I feed him before he’s back to sleep. The rare times when I did catch him awake, he keeps staring outside, always a lost look painted on his features. His body is here but his mind is faraway, someplace where I can’t get to, someplace where nobody can get to.
It scares me. The dark circles have only gotten bigger and darker. Sleep terrifies. Every moment spent without Taehyun in my sight terrifies me.
He hasn’t tried anything. Not yet.
“Um, it should be better if we stay at my place for a while” I suggested, glancing nervously at Taehyun beside me.
“No. Let’s stay at my place instead” he completed before I could argue further.
“O-okay” I could only comply as I reversed the car.
Why are you being so cooperative?
I couldn’t ask that, nevertheless he had seemed to hear it.
“Can I get you to leave me alone?” He snickered.
Who was this?
Was Taehyun always like this?
“I regret it”
I tensed up, my grip on the wheel tightening involuntarily.
“What?” I looked ahead, more determined than ever to not turn around. I don’t think I can handle it.
“I regret it. I regret ever thinking of bringing you with me. I regret meeting you” His voice was even as if he had just spoken a fact, a statement and nothing else. I didn’t have the strength to look at him, to decipher what he felt, what he was feeling as he said those words.
“Please stop” My voice cracked, just barely a whisper.
I hadn’t let Taehyun out of my sight, as I parked the car and got out. I trailed behind him always a step behind until we reached the doorway.
I could feel a sense of déjà vu as I entered the house. It’s so familiar…my steps halted involuntarily, gazing at the furniture as I tried to remember whatever memory this house held but I couldn’t.
Taehyun’s stare creeped upon my body and my gaze fixed on him. He was expecting something, maybe. Only a satisfied smile hung on his lips before he walked into his room.