16th July

“It’s a lot of books. Get the students to help you out. Isn’t that the privilege of being an assistant. You can get them to do anything!” Professor Lee exclaimed, giving a toothy smile.

“I see, that’s what you’ve been doing with me this whole time” I grinned.

“And what if I am?” Professor Lee raised his eyebrow in question. His eyes swept over the bunch of stacks of booklets placed on the table, once again. “Should I call some for you?”

“Really, it’s alri-Ah, actually, you’re right. I do need some help. Students from department 4 will do”

Is it too late to take it back?

“Alrighty! I shall call for them” Prof Lee swung the bag on his shoulder and left promptly.

It was.

Just within minutes of his departure, students started filing in, one after another. None of them being Taehyun, not the until the last of them. I watched intently as I let go of the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding as he walked in, waiting leisurely for the other students to take each of the stacks until only two of them remained.

There was only two of us in the room or so I thought it would be when Taehyun took one of the two stacks and headed straight out. My feet could only move when he turned around the corner, out of sight.

I hurriedly grabbed the last stack and caught up to Taehyun, or barely caught up to because I realized I had no idea what to speak after I was so blatantly strong armed into lying and cornered into not inquiring any further and so I walked, always just a step behind him.

“Hyung, I think I already told you that I’m fine”

I stumbled. Why did he bring it up all of sudden. Although who was I to complain when my actions also carried ulterior motives.

Taehyun didn’t stop nor did he acknowledge me, it made one wonder if it were an illusion but his calm voice that carried defiance in its words but not his tone or rather the art of diplomacy, it was certainly real.

“I…I didn’t mean anything. I really just needed help…” I trailed off, feeling rather timid in the face of such confrontation that I was never good at dealing with but I had to explain, to defend myself.

He didn’t answer, as if he hadn’t heard me at all. I felt impatient.

“I didn’t mean anything by it. You were the one who came willingly” I explained, my voice clearer and louder as I quickened my pace until I was right beside him.

“Hyung, you’re really not good at lying” He drawled, his tone carrying a teasing lilt to it.

“Well, now that my intentions seem so clear to you, you might as well be honest with me, no?”

I didn’t have the courage to look at him but I must’ve offended him because the next sentence had me stumped.

“Hyung, do you pity me?”

Do I pity him? I did. That’s why I was going to such lengths for him. So, is that wrong?

“Yes, I do” I answered honestly.

“You don’t understand tact do you?” Taehyun chuckled. “It’s been a long time since…I’m really fine” he said, his tone serious under the lighthearted voice.

“We should get to know each other then”

From my peripheral vision, I saw Taehyun’s eyes widening in surprise. I swallowed before continuing “If you don’t want me to pity you then we can get to know each other”

Then I’ll care for you, for real.

“You always know to say the right thing, hyung” the voice trailed off softly as he turned around the corner and into the staff room. The stacks were placed with a thud and just when I thought that I failed as Taehyun reached the doorway-

“Let’s get to know each other then”

What….?

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Few minutes had passed by and I belatedly realized that I had been staring at the empty doorway.

There is still hope.

I tossed and turned and finally got up to get a glass a water after my yet another unsuccessful attempt at sleeping despite my insomnia.

The conversation kept replaying in my head like a broken record until I had memorized every dialogue, every gesture, every expression and their implications, so much so that it felt like I had just relived the conversation yet again as I recounted the events in my head. It was, in a way, a solace to my anxious mind. -If I just thought about it a little more, really thought about it, once again and I would find an assurance because I couldn’t deal with the consequences otherwise.

The dangerous thought that I tried so hard to not think about, to protect myself and my sanity, would try to resurface ever so slightly and I would think of our conversation again.

Mind had a way of trapping oneself in a miserable cycle and for the life of me, I couldn’t shut it down.

I had never hated insomnia so much ever before.

What if-

Shit! Don’t think about it. Just don’t!

Regardless of my insomnia, I was never too fond of sleeping pills but right this instant I had gulped down two of them. An odd sense of relief flooded my senses at the feel of the pills through my dry throat.

What if I couldn’t save him?

Sleep was an escape and maybe that’s why I dared to acknowledge the banging voice in the back of head, the voice I had been trying so hard to ignore just a few moments ago.

It’s alright because I’ll be asleep soon.

Somehow, I had started feeling responsible for Taehyun’s life. As if, it would be my fault if I didn’t pull him off the edge. Logically, I knew it isn’t but…

I don’t know what to think anymore. All I have to do is persuade Taehyun to go see a therapist…but how do I do that?

This feeling of uncertainty constantly gnaws my mind.

I have to tell someone. Anyone.

But I can’t.

I feel so alone.

17th July

“I’m sorry to say this but I don’t think this will work out. I’m dropping out tomorrow”

What?

The chopsticks clacked on the ground.

“Hyung!”

I could barely hold onto the tiffin box as I choked on rice.

“Shit, you’re so clumsy. There, there” Taehyun said, bending over to get the chopsticks while rubbing my back and patting it lightly, alternately.

I let out a series of coughs before finally calming down, sniffing and wiping at my slightly teary eyes.

“What?”

“What what?” Taehyun chuckled.

“Why are you dropping out?” I asked, my voice barely steady as I tried to contain my anxiety-no, fear.

“Oh, that. As much as I believed myself to be a multitasker. Turns out, it is hard to juggle a company and university” he chuckled again.

I slowly sipped on water until I couldn’t drink anymore nor could I ignore having to respond despite the fear and anxiety that had me gripped by the throat.

The bottle left my lips and I capped it, my hand movements excruciatingly slow even as I put it on the ground, taking extra care to balance it on the uneven ground. I cleared my throat-

“Oh…But…can’t we still meet up outside of university whenever you’re free. I’m free most of the days”

I was not. It was a miracle to have even time to sleep.

“Ah, you’re really persistent, aren’t you” he remarked. “Why are you trying so hard to get close to me? Hyung, am I that pitiful to you?” he said, his lips widening even more.

Was he enjoying this?

Was he…teasing me?

“It’s not totally like that. I do want to know more about you” I don’t “as a friend” Sure as hell not.

“Sure hyung, sure” he drawled. “Oh! It’s time for my last class! Then I’ll talk to you later?” he got up, his tone cheery again as he looked at me expectantly. I could only nod, an awkward smile hung on my lips that slowly dropped down as Taehyun walked out of sight.

I don’t know how long I had been sitting there, staring at the ground but it must be a while. It must be.

I sighed in frustration deleting yet another a page haphazardly. I don’t know how I got through the booklet but I did and now I have to write the damn report. Just one fucking report.

Just fucking write it Beomgyu!

Ever since the bomb Taehyun threw at me, I have not done anything except for moving my fingers, hoping that miraculously somehow, they’ll do end up doing some work because my head’s just not in it and I’ve failed yet again.

If Taehyun drops out, I don’t think I can reach out to him.

---

“Hey, if someone you knew was trying to kill themselves, how would you handle the situation” I asked, my voice cracking a little as I rubbed at my eyes harshly.

Soobin sniffed. “I don’t know” he blurted out and then stared at the bed in deep thought, this time. “I’ve never really thought about it but I’d probably get them to go see a therapist. They’re the experts so they would be more helpful than me. I guess, I can only support them and encourage them from the side” He shrugged and turned towards me. “What about you?”

“I guess I would do the same” I replied as I switched off the TV. “But what if it is a stranger or an acquaintance? Like you don’t know them personally and you just found out about it accidentally but they don’t know that you know”

Soobin momentarily stopped fiddling his phone, his head tipped back on the pillow as he stared at the ceiling.

“Um, I don’t know. I…really don’t know” He replied, his voice softer at the end as he fell into a trance.

“Gosh Beomgyu!” He said suddenly. “How do you even have the ability to think about all this right now? God, I’m so damn sleepy” He groaned, getting up and heading towards the bathroom.

I followed behind, washing my face as well before we settled on the bed.

It’s so strange that we ended up watching a movie with a suicidal protagonist just when I’ve been the spending the past two days in a frenzied manner.

“But what if the person is adamant on not going to the therapist? What would you do then?”

“Honestly, I…It might sound mean but I’d probably avoid them or keep them at a distance. They can mess you up too if you’re not careful” Soobin replied before yawning. “Just sleep, Gyu”

They can mess you up too, if you’re not careful.

Avoid them.

Keep them at a distance.

Isn’t that too harsh?

Shit, am I strong enough for this?