UrobrouS(critique)

~Mickr4(author)~

!!JamieJJH(Me)!!

and link to the story if your interested in reading the real post or maybe start reading the story itself.

http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/3056

Small intermission. Since i always wish to satisfy the readers, i will ask your (you the readers) opinions.

------

Honest review - stone me if you will, but this is real:

16/08/15

By UrobrouS

---

To be honest, this story is *currently* subpar.

~Ouch...~

1st of all, there’s the matter of inappropriate usage of question and exclamation marks, alongside shallow character development – the author is trying to emulate what he has read in other works, but inexperience in this is evidently showing, and the result is a disruptive reading experience.

~I always use a lot of of punctuation... That's how i write even when "texting" and never felt the need to change it.~

~Also "lack of experience"? Humm well after 3 FF and over 70 chapters i guess i will always stay a novice at it eh?!~

After that, there’s the character development, or rather, the lack of it – the MC has a fairly simple history and the 1st chapter or two act as a useful info-dump, as is usually done.

Then, all of a sudden, a little sister character pops out of frickin nowhere going “hihihihihi” (which is, by the way, a very creepy sort of laughter if you ask me) and offhandedly dishing out world-shaking information with our protagonist, unfazed.

~The dude lived in a video game for 70 "in game" years... Of course he is unfazed... And bullying his sister for the way she laugh is quite mean Sad~

Now, little sister characters are nice and all, but the thing that bugs me here is that the author is going with what I believe is as newbie mistake – using japanese.

“But japanese is awesome! everyone loves anime! light novels are my waifu!”, I hear you scream.

I’d be the 1st guy to run a sledgehammer over the head of a douchebag who disses anime culture just because it’s japanese – however, there’s a reason why anime culture is written in japanese and translated to english; the authors are japanese, and are using a japanese style of writing aimed at japanese people – a style of writing which we find enjoyable.

I’m not saying not to use japanese for things like honorifics (-dono, -sama, etc.) but the thing with these things is that they’re more suitable, at least in my opinion, in light novels that are translated to english from japanese, with the honorifics used as a connecting point to make sure the point gets through to the english-speaking reader without compromising the translation and keeping it simple.

So is japanese OK to use in fictions like this?

There’s no such thing as “ok to use in fiction” – use whatever you like; 50 shades of grey was a terrible fucking fiction story and It has a porn movie that’s also a blockbuster.

However, for people who dislike japanese, want to keep it separate from the western-style stories usually encountered here in RR, or just had enough japanese from light novels and want to read plain english, the japanese is distracting, obtrusive, and to be honest, makes the author seem like a bit of a fan-boy weeaboo – of course, if the author is japanese in origin, then consider that last remark revoked – writing a story in a foreign language is difficult and this is relatively well written compared to the steaming piles of shit you can find on this site, but the japanese terminology is just redundant.\

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

If you’re writing in english, stick with just plain english – it’s one of the most common languages on earth for a reason.

~Jezzz..... The only japanese word i used was "oni-chan" and it was in only 1 chapter from 1 otaku character... (his sister is a Otaku.. Spoiler alert)~

beyond that, the characters are rather shallow – the protagonist is hellbent on becoming a dragon and fucking anything with an appropriate orifice, the little sister character seems to be your average hyper-imouto a la anime style, and the rest are paper cuts as well.

~I hate it when FF over indulge in characters development, (when reading, i usually skip those boring parts) that's why i give small bits of info over time instead of throwing it all out there in 1 chapter.~

~Also, "the protagonist is hellbent on becoming a dragon and fucking anything with an appropriate orifice"

I challenge you to quote anything that's indicating the MC wanting to fuck anything in my fiction... All he did was hide in a girl's cleavage... Hooo that's some hardcore porn right there...~

cheat characters are fun for a while, but like masturbation, they get tiring and boring after a while, especially with good stories like “beyond?” and “The alchemist” that float around here – cheat character is fine, but it needs to be a subtle and careful process, not a giant wedge stuck in the the story’s asshole.

~So you assume that i can't keep it interesting... Am i being underestimated here?~

this review might seem a bit harsh, but one should nip the buds of calamity at the start, least they take root.

summary:

good things:

grammar is decent – work on the exclamation marks, question marks, periods, apostrophes and commas – proper positioning of those, as well as lines and paragraphs, is the thin line between a good idea drowning in shit grammar, and a polished gem.

Tables – rather well done, but you should manage an excel sheet with all the numbers – it should help you keep track of things and make sure what you write is consistent; inconsistent stories are like cheating girlfriends – they’re dropped faster than a nuke made out of baby shit.

bad things:

japanese – english words for english stories is my motto – keep it subtle or lose it, because to me and many more, it’s just annoying.

characters – give more thinking to their motives and what makes them tick – having a character with flesh can make you read with obsession even the most combat-devoided story; “blackthorne” is a good example of a story that uses a huge amount of character development and interaction, with the game mechanics and combat scenes in a lesser amount.

general route from here on – plan forward, else you will find yourself cornered by your own story, and face either a re-write or a dropping of this story.

having a general idea of where and what you want your MC doing is always a good plan.

I always did that... Actually the end game is already decided... So i don't see where you get that from.

that’s it from me – sorry if I seem harsh; it’s just that there’s a lot of potential here that should not go to waste.

!! If either the author or critique wish me to take this post then please just post that in the comments below!!