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A Tale of Two Morons

A Tale of Two Morons

  Elves aren't as stuck up as I'd thought they would be. Most of the elves I have read about or seen in lore have been snobs really. Every elf I've met so far has been pretty friendly so far though. This old pervert leader told me that he would be happy to sell me some foodstuff and return me to my friend. He was pretty damn hospitable and a fun guy to chat with. To be honest I wasn't expecting such a fortunate turn of events. I have to say, elve's are pretty good people in my book. Though I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm forgetting something, oh well. I'm sure it isn't that important.

  *cut to Walter*

  I awake and turn towards the fire. The fire is gone, along with it my new found companion. Did he leave me in the middle of the night in order to get rid of the undead? I don't blame him, but it's best not to assume, lets do some digging around and see what I can find.

  After searching for a few minutes I notice a pair of tracks heading into the woods. Repeat, a PAIR of tracks, that means Justin didn't leave by himself. My guess would be that he was coerced, most likely taken hostage knowing his luck. At least I have something to go on here.

  Hellfire and damnation, just when I found a mage who might have been willing and able to look into my affliction. He's snatched from my grasp before I'm even able to point him towards the mages guild. I guess I'll have to go get him, by force most likely. Time to head out.

  *cut to Justin*

  Mmm, mmm. I have no idea what this fruit is called, but its fucking delicous. It looks kind of like a peach, but it tastes like a grape. I don't ever want to leave this place. These elve's are so friggin nice. First they give me food, then they sell me supplies, then more food. It's almost like they are buttering me up for something. Naw, I'm just being paranoid. I've had enough bad luck for now, is it so hard to believe that I've finally hit a run of good luck?

  *cut to Walter*

  After following the trail for a few hours I found a village. The sentries posted look elven, but it's hard to tell from this distance. It's best if I stay hidden and survey the situation. If Justin was taken here, I'll make sure to kill every last one of these barbarians.

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  *cut to Justin*

  (Holy music rains down from the heavens) Wait, no, that's a hallucination. A bath, the elves have a friggin bath, complete with running water and heat. They even have SOAP, you heard me right, SOAP. I'm going to violate that soap. It's going places only a cheap whore or loving wife would venture. *ding* Party member has received 500xp you have received 1/10, 5x bonus is being put into effect. *ding* 50xp gained. *ding* 50xp gained. *ding* 100xp gained.  What, the hell is that all about? I don't have any party members with me. Unless, shit I forgot about Walter. Shit, shit, shit. Oh well, he's undead, what kind of trouble can he get into?

  *cut to Walter*

  Take that you elven harlot! I was circling the village when an archer shot me through my left thigh. It hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. I immediately turn in the direction where the arrow came from and charge. Next thing I know two swordsman are upon me. They are quite agile people but they are no match for my training and brute strength. On my honor as I knight, I shall prevail. After taking care of the two swordsman the archer manages to peg me twice in my right arm. Damn, these elves are quick.

  Those shots will definitely slow me down, but I will prevail. I call the elf a harlot to throw her off her game and pull my dagger from my boots. A true fight is with the sword, but a dagger will do just as well in a pinch. I stab her twice in the chest and once in the head for good measure. Then I pull the arrows out of myself and wait a moment for the wound to seal up.

  That's the most interesting thing about being the way I am. The wounds never heal, not exactly. They seal up and scar over, but it takes some time. It's a bit like healing, but it doesn't have the same feeling really. I don't bleed, it just kind of oozes out these days.

  *Back to Justin*

  So Gerend I say to the sage *he told me his name while we were eating fruit together*, I may have forgotten to tell you something pretty important. Oh, he says, I'm sure it isn't too bad, but just to be safe, tell me anyway. Well, I may or may not have had another party member. They may or may not think I was kidnapped, which I kind of was. Also they may or may not be an unstoppable, semi-immortal killing machine.

  Gerend takes a moment to process everything I've told him. Then he calmly walks outside, says something to the elf standing outside the door, and comes back inside. So, I don't think this will be too big of a problem. I'll simply send a few sentries out to look for him and bring him here so he can see that you are safe and sound. Great, I respond, I was worried that he had gotten into trouble for a minute there.

  Don't trouble yourself with this my friend. You are an honored guest and should be relaxing, please be at ease, everything shall be taken care of. He makes me feel a bit better, but I can't help but shake the feeling that he's wrong abou this. Oh well, I guess I'll trust him, he didn't get to be an old man by having bad judgement I guess. I'll just head to bed and sleep on it.