“Kendall, it’s the school nurse. I called an ambulance and they should be here soon. I’m going to notify your parents as well.”
Barely able to reach out to grab her arm, “Don’t…”
“They need to know you’re going to the hospital.”
She moved off to the side and I’m left laying there. Esmer was nowhere to be found and nothing made sense to me.
The next thing I knew, I was in a room with a nurse standing in front of my thankfully hard bed.
“Are you with us?” She asked. I answered with a confused nod as searing pain spread through every inch of my face. “Can you tell me where we are?”
I looked around at the closed off room I was in. Everything you’d expect.
“Hospital,” I said, barely able to get more than that out.
“And can you tell me your full name?”
“Kendall Mara.”
“Alright, good. You do have a concussion, so we’re scheduling you a CT scan. The earliest we can get you in is tonight at five. With concussions it’s important that you don’t move around too much for the next twenty-four hours, so we’re going to keep you here overnight for observation. We were also told your family has been notified and that they should be here soon.”
It was only dumb luck I was able to keep up with all that.
"We need to run some tests to make sure there isn't any serious damage." She rolled up a chair and sat next to me.
How close she was sent me into sweating mode, but I was too out of it to react during the mountain of bullshit tests she had for me to make sure everything was working. I could have told them everything was fine myself.
She finished up and finally got away from me.
"Everything appears to be alright for now. We'll do these tests a couple times to make sure there aren't any sudden changes," she said as she looked ready to march out the door. "Do you have any questions?"
---
“You put Robbie in the fucking hospital!”
---
“I need to know if my friend is here.”
"Sure." she walked over to the computer, “What’s his name?”
“Robbie Reynolds.”
She typed something in, “Oh, him. Yeah, your friend came in last night. He was in a really bad spot, but I haven’t seen him since he came in here.”
Last night?
Why would he wait so long?
Ask why he was brought in.
Why else would-
Don’t argue with this.
Ask why he was brought in here.
“What’s he in here for?”
Her eyes looked up from behind the computer. “You don’t know?”
I shook my head, but the way she said that scared the hell out of me. She looked back at the computer. “I need a middle name before I can say anything.”
“Everly.”
“Alright, he signed off on informing anyone who knows his full name. I don’t want to worry you, but he’s staying in the psychiatric ward.”
“What?” I pushed myself up to face her better as I froze up so bad that even my heart stopped. “Why?”
“I want you to know that he’s getting good care right now and that he’s going to be fine, but your friend was brought in after he tried to take his life.”
I lowered back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling without a shred of emotion on my face. The ringing in my ears drowned everything out.
That’s…
+++
I’m a fucking monster.
+++
What- No, I just…
+++
I do nothing but hurt everyone around me.
Drive Robbie to attempt suicide.
Destroy Mom’s marriage.
Destroy my family.
Guilt my twenty three year old sister into staying at home and hold her back because I’m terrified without her.
Make Sophie and all of Robbie’s friends worry about him like this.
I’m not worth all this trouble.
I should just kill myself and stop hurting everyone around me.
+++
Esmer sat on the bed and wrapped her arms around me.
Don’t give those thoughts even a moment.
We know we went too far.
But we can make it up to him.
We will do what we can to fix everything.
I stared off into space while I barely picked up on Esmer’s words.
“We do have visiting hours available for you to visit him if he’s up for it, but first we need to make sure you’ll be okay.”
“I know…”
A silence hung over us that may as well have smashed my chest in just like my face.
“Your family should be here soon,” The nurse said to break the silence. “If there’s any trouble, then press the red button on the chair to call me.”
“Alright…”
She walked out and shut the door.
He’s going to be alright.
He’s going to get the help he needs, and we’re not going to hurt him anymore.
Maybe it will be for the best if I do disappear...
No!
A flash of pain shot through me as I looked at Esmer too fast. Her tone changed on a dime from the motherly voice I knew to something you’d expect from a hungry monster.
Don’t you dare talk like that.
Look at us.
I did what she said, and she pressed her forehead against mine. A dulled sense of the same feeling from last time spread over me. It was slower, but those thoughts and feelings drifted away.
No matter what happens.
Don’t ever think of doing that.
Please.
+++
I’m going to keep hurting people.
Everyone I love will hate me in the end.
Robbie will be happy if I just disappear.
+++
Esmer flinched as those thoughts crept back.
Yes we messed up.
But we can make this right.
It’ll be hard, but we can make it up to him.
Somehow.
They faded again, but her tear filled voice broke my heart.
And we can’t give up after everything we’ve been through.
Do you remember the promise we made to ourselves?
I nod, tearing up myself.
Say it.
Never let anyone control me like that again.
If we do something like that, then he wins.
He’ll have control.
We can never let that happen again.
+++
I’m a monster that sucks the life out of everyone around me.
+++
Those disturbing thoughts faded in and out between lightening up to pressing down with the weight of a train that paralyzed me.
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+++
The only way my fucked up self will ever help someone is if I disappear already.
+++
Esmer pressed her forehead hard against mine. Her straining herself like this pushed a lump up in my throat that I had to force back down.
You don’t have to-
I was cut off by a gut wrenching scream as Esmer backed up to the wall and slid down it. She brought her knees up to her chest and hugged her legs.
We can’t let him have control again.
She dug her head into her arms.
Never give him control.
Never give him control.
Never give him control.
Every repetition piled onto the nausea that snuck up on me. The more nauseous I became, the louder Esmer got as she curled up tight into a ball.
Never give him control.
Never give him control.
Never give him control.
What’s going on?
Shut up.
She looked up at me as the hate in her voice threw me off.
How are you ever going to get past our trauma if you can’t even handle this?
We almost got Robbie killed and your first thought was making it about you.
How you feel so guilty.
And stupid me enabled that selfish, egotistical behavior.
I stared at her, stunned and confused by whatever the hell just happened.
Why are you acting like this? And since when did you start using ‘you’ and ‘me’?
I have an idea.
How about you figure something out on your own for once in your fucking life?
I know you’re utterly useless when it comes to dealing with your problems.
But do I really have to do everything for you?
I figure plenty of things out on my own, and don’t call me useless!
You bully Robbie and make him say beyond terrible things.
You drilled it into his head that he was a mistake.
That his family hated him.
Exactly what our father did to us.
And yet you failed to think that your actions could drive him here?
What’s more is you have the nerve to say you’re not useless?
You’re the one that told me to take him into that alley in the first place! You were perfectly fine with it up until now, so don’t act like you’re all perfect.
Because I work off of what you want.
You wanted to beat him up, so I supported you.
You wanted to take him out of sight and into that alleyway, so I told you to.
And you didn’t want to take things that far, so I stopped you.
Then you don’t get to say that stuff about me when you wanted to bully him just like I did!
Are you seriously going to go that route?
I did what you wanted, so you get to avoid responsibility?
I’m not going to let you run from things anymore.
After all the work I put into you.
After all the time and energy I spent trying to fix us.
You show your appreciation by wanting to kill us.
Was the first attempt not enough for you?
...Why would you bring that up...
Because I’m sick of you trying to run and hide from everything.
Instead of taking responsibility, you’d rather take the easy way out.
What’s worse is you still couldn’t care less about Robbie.
You just don’t want to feel guilty about him.
I rolled over on my side with my back to her.
See?
Turn your back to the problem and avoid it.
Why try anything new?
Fuck you.
And fuck you for waking me up in this useless body.
Stop calling me useless!
Why not?
It’s not like I’m wrong.
Because I’m not!
Yes you are.
You’ve done nothing to help anyone.
You’re too much of a coward to do anything useful.
I pushed myself up with clenched fists and planted my feet on the ground.
What are you trying to do now?
I’m not fucking useless, and don’t talk like you don’t already know.
I can’t see what you’re thinking anymore ever since you tried to throw all my hard work away.
It might be for the best.
Now I don’t have to pretend what we’re planning isn’t beyond idiotic.
If you’re smart, then you’d stay in bed like we were told.
Sadly ‘if you’re smart’ is the biggest hurdle for you.
I stood up and my vision blurred, but I stood still. Slowly, I walked towards the door, where Esmer appeared in front of me to block off the exit.
This is dangerous.
Do something that’ll help us for once and go back to bed.
I walked through Esmer and pulled open the door. The moment I stepped out into the hall, I looked around for the elevator. It only took a bit of walking until I found them and slipped in when it let some people off. My vision blurred for moments at a time, but I pushed through and hit the fourth floor button.
Esmer appeared next to me.
Are you seriously going to go back there just to see him?
You'll be the last person he wants to, or should see.
And you know you’re going to run away when we get there.
I didn't say anything as I stepped out and walked down the hall. It didn’t take long before I came to two large doors with a big 'psychiatrics' sign above it.
---
Terrified as I’m wheeled in through these doors.
---
I grabbed the handle to pull, but they didn't budge.
"Excuse me," a voice came from the side behind a desk. "You need permission to enter there."
Did you forget how it works already?
Looking at the woman behind the counter, "I'm here to see Robbie Reynolds."
“Visiting hours aren’t until six-thirty in the evening. And where did you come from?”
I looked back, not sure of where I was actually brought before. “I’ll be fine.” I walked over to one of the chairs in the waiting room and sat down to stop the room spinning.
“That didn’t answer my question. Does your nurse know you’re here?”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” I said.
“You’re going to have to try harder than that to get a lie past me.” She stood up and walked around the counter. “Come on, let’s get you back to your bed.”
Tightening my grip on the arm of the chair, “I’m not leaving here until I see Robbie.”
“You can see him tonight if he’s up for talking.”
All this for nothing.
Just go back to bed and stop wasting everyone's time.
Stop fucking talking to me.
No, and stop trying to act like he matters to you now.
This is still all about you not wanting to feel bad.
You’re as self-serving as ever.
This isn’t about me! I know I fucked up, but this is about trying to help Robbie get back from something he should never have gone through.
---
Curled up on the bed on my first night in this ward.
---
I don’t know how to help, but I’m going to find out how.
What makes you think you can do anything to help?
We’ll just make things worse by letting him see us here.
We’re only going to hurt him more this way.
Maybe, but I…
A deep sigh came out as I started off into space.
It wouldn’t make up for anything, but if father tried to do anything to seriously fix things, then maybe I wouldn’t be as fucked up as I am. That’s why I’m not leaving this spot until I can at least talk to him.
Esmer sat next to me, staring.
That has to be the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard you say.
You think that monster being nice to us at the end would have done anything to help?
It would make no difference.
Just like it’d make no difference here.
You hurt Robbie in ways he may never recover from.
Being nice to him now won’t change that.
Then I’ll find another way if that doesn’t help. With or without you.
Without my help?
Do you have any idea how lost you’d be without me?
Why the hell would I need someone that talks to me like you’ve been doing? Ever since…
My mouth slowly dropped when I realized.
You did that thing with my feelings, and. Holy fuck I’m stupid.
Another outstanding realization.
Truly what I’ve come to expect from you.
Maybe next time you can be slower and set yet another record for your stupidity.
So, you been acting like this because you got rid of those feelings?
“You really need to get back to your room now,” the lady said.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
I didn’t get rid of them.
I absorbed them.
And no, it’s not easy to undo.
I had to take in an Olympic swimming pool's worth of emotions.
That isn’t something that can be undone easily.
Well, how do we fix that then…?
I don’t know.
What do you mean you don’t know? You’re the one that did it in the first place.
That doesn't mean that I know how to get it out.
Besides, I had to take in more than just the emotions from Robbie.
Imagine our trauma as an ocean that's trapped behind a dam.
It's there, and I can look through it if I want, but it's locked away tight.
Sometimes, some of it can slip through cracks that I work to patch up.
Now imagine everything with Robbie as a giant pool that's outside the dam.
When I repressed it, I absorbed it all into myself.
But that pool also caused massive cracks in the dam that let that trauma out.
I had to absorb a lot of that as well so your fucked up mind wouldn't go over the edge.
To put it simply, I had to save you yet again at the expense of myself.
“Miss Mara.” A voice called out to me from the side. I looked over to see my nurse with Mom and Emma by her side. They both rushed over to me and Emma gave me the biggest hug.
"Are you okay? Who did this?" Emma said as she let go. She did her best to stay calm, but her worry was written all over her face.
"I'll be fine," I said, trying to not let the talk with Esmer make me freak out. "And don’t worry about it. Please."
"We can't know the extent of the damage until we do your CT scan," The nurse said. "Passing out even for seconds at a time can be serious. We'll be ready to send you for tests tonight, so you should get back to your bed and get some rest when you can."
"I can rest right here."
Staying here won't do any good if you need to get up anyway.
I don't care. If Robbie comes out and I can talk to him before I have to go then it’ll be worth it.
“Will she be alright here if she stays still?” Emma asked the nurse.
She sighed, “If she stays still, then she should be fine, but it really would be best if she’s in her room so we can keep an eye on her.”
Stop this nonsense and go back to the room already.
I leaned back in my seat, “I’ll be fine. I just really need to stay here...”
“She can stay,” said the lady behind the desk. “I’ll keep an eye on her if she really wants to stay that badly.”
My nurse shot her a look, but didn’t argue. “Alright, just pay close attention to her.”
“Will do,” she said, prompting my nurse to go back upstairs.
Emma stood up and stared at me. Her eyes flicked over to the 'Psychiatric ward’ sign on the door. "Why are you over here?" Worry turned to something I couldn’t make out, but my chest tightened.
"I don’t like the room they gave me.”
She tightened her lips and turned to Mom. "Why don't you go get something to eat? I know you're going to have a busy day. I'll stick with Kendall."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, we'll be fine."
"Alright," Mom said before turning to me. "I love you, sweetie. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Thank you, Ma’am.”
Mom looked down before she turned around and walked off.
Emma turned to me the moment Mom was out of sight. Her eyes pierced my soul as she planted her hands on the arm rests. In the most pissed hushed tone I ever heard from her, “What the fuck did you do? Because I know you wouldn’t come back here just because you didn’t like your room.”
“I didn’t do-” shrinking in my seat. “I mean-” My eyes moved to avoid her. “I just-”
You’re stuttering like an idiot.
So what excuse are you going to use this time?
I can’t believe you're still going to lie to our sister after all this time.
Pressing my hands against my ears, I leaned forward and clenched my eyes shut.
How are you this stupid to think covering your ears will keep you from hearing me?
You can’t even figure something that basic out.
No wonder you ‘didn’t mean to’ hurt Robbie that much.
Whatever held back the tears crumbled away as I broke down crying.
Using tears to try to get out of this?
You’re willing to manipulate our sister like that?
You don’t deserve someone as amazing as her.
“I fucked up…”
It didn’t take long before Emma sat down on the chair next to me. “Tell me what happened.”
I leaned back in my seat, “Robbie’s in there. He’s been dealing with a bully.” I stared off into space as I continued. “That fight pushed him over the edge I guess. This morning he tried to…” Swallowing all my emotions and wiping my tears, “He’s in there because of me.”
We sat in silence as we both processed that. Eventually, Emma asked, “Who did that to your face then?”
“One of Robbie’s friends.” I said, not bothering to hide it if I even could.
“What’s their name?” she asked, her voice as stern as ever.
“I don’t want you to do anything to them. I just want to try and make it up to Robbie and not deal with anything else right now.”
“I’m not going to let whoever did this to you get off that easy.”
“Please just-” I went to rub my face, but stopped myself. “I don’t want to go through any more right now. I just want to sit here and wait for Robbie to make sure he’s doing alright and not have to freak out about what’s going to happen for once.”
She backed off since even Emma knew when to leave me be, even if she did always like to push things.
“Can I please just have some time alone?” I asked, slumping down into my seat. “I love you, but I really just need some time to myself right now.”
Emma ran her hand down her face, “If you really want me to step aside and give you space, then I will. But just one thing,” She said as her eyes locked onto mine. “Who’s the bully that’s been harassing Robbie?”
“I don’t know his name. He’s just some asshole junior. And I didn’t have anything to do with it either. I only ever get into fights with people, I don’t bully them.”
With a weak smile, “Yeah, I guess that’s true. Alright. I’ll go catch up with Mom and we’ll bring you some food, then we’ll head out. Sound good?”
“Sounds good. Thanks.”
She got up and walked off with a wave, “Love you, and take it easy.”
“I will, and I love you too.”
When she was gone, I let out a deep sigh and Esmer leaned back in her chair and folded her arms.
I’ll tell you again.
You’re not going to be able to do anything to help.
You’re the one that told me we can make it up to him somehow. I’m sorry for thinking of that kind of stuff, but don’t you ever call me useless again. Once I find out how to help Robbie, I’m going to find a way to help you get back to normal too.
It’s obvious that you’re never going to be able to get him to agree to a visit with you.
I’ll find a way to talk to him and I don’t care how long it’ll take. You can stay around or not, but nothing you say is going to stop me from doing this.
There was a pause before a ‘hmph.’
Fine, waste your time.
Esmer’s presence next to me disappeared for the first time since I got her. I was worried for a moment, but she wasn’t going anywhere she couldn't come back from, so I got comfortable and waited.