Eryk, still trying to process the insanity of battling space ninja pirates and the newfound magic coursing through his veins, was led by Zipp down the neon-lit corridors of the Stellar Shuriken. Zipp was skipping along, practically buzzing with excitement as he spoke a mile a minute.

“Oh, you’re gonna love meeting the Captain!” Zipp gushed, his golden eyes gleaming. “Just… a little word of advice, buddy: don’t mention anything about jam unless you really know your preserves.”

Eryk blinked, confused. “Jam? What does jam have to do with anything?” But before Zipp could answer, they arrived at a massive, ornate door decorated with swirling cosmic patterns and a large, golden plaque that read: Captain J. A. M. — Supreme Space Wizard and Commander of the Shuriken.

The door slid open with a whoosh, revealing the most bizarre scene Eryk had ever laid eyes on. Seated on a cushioned throne, surrounded by glittering starlight and high-tech control panels, was… a stuffed animal. Specifically, a plush rabbit with wide, innocent eyes and soft, fluffy fur. A small pocket on its back was leaking a glistening red substance.

Eryk rubbed his eyes, sure he was hallucinating. “Uh… is that…?”

Zipp’s face fell, and he frantically waved his hands in warning, but it was too late.

Eryk pointed at the stuffed rabbit. “Is that the Captain? A… plush rabbit… oozing strawberry jam?”

The plush rabbit’s ears twitched. A low, ominous rumble filled the room, and suddenly, the leaking pocket of jam reared up. It wasn’t just jam. It was a sentient blob of glistening, shimmering red jelly, and it quivered with righteous indignation.

“STRAWBERRY JAM?” the blob bellowed, its voice booming through the chamber. “HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME IN SUCH A WAY! I AM CAPTAIN J.A.M., DEFENDER OF THE STARS, AND I AM CLEARLY RHUBARB JAM! RHUBARB, YOU IGNORANT FOOL!”

Eryk’s eyes widened in sheer panic. “I-I’m sorry! Rhubarb! I meant rhubarb!” he stammered, his hands raised in surrender.

But Captain J.A.M. was having none of it. “Sorry won’t cut it, Nail Biter Space Baby Ninja Killer from Another Planet Place! You’ve committed a grievous offense, and now you must be punished!” With a gelatinous wave, the jam captain triggered a trapdoor beneath Eryk’s feet.

“Wait—what?!” Eryk yelped, but before he could react, the floor vanished, and he plummeted into a glowing reactor pit. Energy crackled and surged around him, and the last thing he saw before being engulfed in light was Zipp’s face peering over the edge, waving cheerfully.

“Good luck, buddy!” Zipp called. “See ya on the flip side!”

Eryk screamed as he was zapped out of the ship, flung once more through the universe in a kaleidoscope of light and chaos. Stars blurred past him, and his body twisted and spun until he lost all sense of direction. Then, just as suddenly as before, he landed with a wet splat.

He was on a boat. A small, creaky wooden vessel bobbing gently on a sparkling, endless ocean. Eryk tried to sit up, but something felt… off. His hands weren’t hands anymore. They were fins. Floppy, scaly fins. He flailed uselessly on the deck, his body now more fish-like than human.

“Oh, come on!” Eryk groaned, flapping his fins in frustration. “What kind of cosmic joke is this?”

“Buddy!” Zipp’s voice rang out, and Eryk turned—well, flopped—toward the sound. Zipp was standing on the deck, looking perfectly normal, though he seemed completely unfazed by Eryk’s new fishy predicament. “You gotta get in the water, like, right now!”

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Eryk’s eyes bulged. “Why?”

Zipp’s expression turned serious. “Pesky birds, my friend. You do not want to get snatched up by one of those. And also…” He pointed to the water, where a massive fin was slicing through the waves, drawing closer to the boat. “It’s shark time. And that shark’s lookin’ mighty hungry.”

Panic set in. Eryk flopped desperately, trying to wriggle his way toward the edge of the boat. His fins slapped uselessly against the wooden deck. “How am I supposed to do this? I don’t even know how to be a fish!”

Zipp grabbed a nearby net, tossing it overboard to create a makeshift slide. “Come on, buddy! You’ve got this! Just… flop harder!”

With a determined grunt, Eryk flailed with all his might, propelling himself across the deck. He slid down the net and splashed into the water just as a shadow passed overhead—a massive, screeching seabird that had been seconds away from snatching him up.

Eryk barely had time to register his relief before the shadow of the shark loomed beneath him. Its jaws opened wide, revealing rows of gleaming, razor-sharp teeth. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!” he sputtered, trying to swim with his newfound fins.

Zipp splashed into the water beside him, paddling furiously. “Just keep swimming, buddy! We’ll figure this out!”

The shark’s mouth closed in, and Eryk summoned every ounce of space magic he could muster. The blue lines along his body glowed fiercely, and a burst of mana erupted from his fins, propelling him forward like a rocket. “Whoa!” he yelled, leaving a trail of glittering energy in his wake.

Zipp whooped with delight. “Now that’s more like it! Let’s get outta here!”

Together, the fishified Eryk and his ever-optimistic sidekick sped away from the hungry shark, the vast, shimmering ocean stretching endlessly around them. Eryk’s mind raced, still trying to comprehend the madness of it all: magic, jam captains, and now a race for survival on an alien sea.

“Adventure, right?” Eryk muttered, half laughing, half terrified. “Why did I think space would be any less crazy?”

Zipp grinned, swimming beside him with gleeful abandon. “Welcome to the universe, buddy! It only gets weirder from here!”

Suddenly, as Eryk and Zipp rocketed away from the shark with all the grace of a fish on a cosmic sugar rush, the water beneath them erupted in a geyser of frothy bubbles. Out of the deep blue sea, a giant, neon-glowing squid emerged, each tentacle lined with flashing LED lights that spelled out messages like “CHILL VIBES ONLY” and “CEPHALOPOD CAFÉ.” The squid’s enormous eyes blinked lazily, and it held something in one of its tentacles—a golden, glistening cheeseburger dripping with all manner of unknown sauces.

The squid’s voice was deep and surprisingly relaxed. “Hey, dude. Want a cheeseburger?”

Eryk flailed, utterly confused. “What’s a cheeseburger? And why is a squid offering me food?” But he was a fish, and fish don’t ask questions about food, so he blurted out, “Sure!”

The squid’s tentacle rotated, and instead of a cheeseburger, Eryk found himself staring at the most confusing thing he’d ever seen: a taco stuffed with what appeared to be solid, unidentifiable meat, balanced atop a heap of crusty, ancient lettuce. A tiny, radiant ray of sunshine emanated from a miniature atomic lamp wedged into the taco, casting an otherworldly glow over the bizarre dish.

Eryk’s fishy brain short-circuited for a moment, and he felt like he might have a seizure if he wasn’t currently a fish. Instead, his mouth opened wide, and he chomped down on the taco. “Glurg,” he managed to say, and the world tilted upside-down.

With a bright flash, Eryk transformed back into his human self, limbs flailing as he gasped for air. “Oh no, I can’t breathe! Dummy!” he sputtered, clutching at his throat as water filled his lungs.

Zipp swam around frantically. “Push the button! The button on the right side of the can in your pocket!”

Eryk’s hands flew to his pocket, and he pulled out a can that was now inexplicably there. On the side was a picture of Captain J.A.M. looking absolutely furious, dripping with rhubarb rage. Without thinking, Eryk mashed the button.

WHOOSH! The universe did its best impression of a kaleidoscope, and in a heartbeat, Eryk was zapped back onto the Stellar Shuriken. He landed on the cold metal floor, soaking wet and sputtering, right in front of Captain J.A.M.

The jam blob now sat atop the plush rabbit, casually munching on a juicy, glistening cheeseburger. “Well, look who’s back,” Captain J.A.M. said, crumbs of cheddar dripping from the sides of his gelatinous form.

Before Eryk could even catch his breath, the jam blob quivered, and the entire room shook. The Captain’s form shifted, twisting and bulging until, with a sudden POP, he transformed into… a wild, neon-colored choo-choo train, complete with a conductor’s hat and a spinning cowcatcher covered in rhinestones. The train chugged in place, smoke billowing from its smokestack, and it gleamed with the words SPICY EXPRESS written in flaming letters.

“Choo choo!” the Captain bellowed. “Buckle up, we’re about to get spicy!”

Eryk barely had time to react before a mechanical arm extended from the train’s front, pinching him on the nose and then bonking him on the noggin with a tiny mallet. The world spiraled around him, and Eryk felt his body compress and squeeze until, with a poof, he was no longer a human. He was a small packet of peanut butter, wrapped in shiny gold foil.

The Captain, still in his choo-choo train form, chortled gleefully and stuffed Eryk into a back pocket on the side of the plush rabbit. “Enjoy the ride, peanut butter boy!” he cackled.

Eryk landed next to a sad-looking packet of jam, which was whimpering softly. Beside the jam was a small, glum-looking grape that shivered and whispered, “Don’t look into my eyes. Just… don’t.”

Eryk, now a packet of peanut butter, felt despair creeping in as he tried to comprehend his bizarre, food-based fate. “What in the universe is going on?” he thought, his peanut buttery essence quivering in bewilderment.

The jam packet sniffled. “It’s not so bad,” it murmured. “Just try not to think about being spread on toast.”

Eryk had officially reached peak madness. Whatever was going to happen next, he was sure it would be as spicy, bizarre, and utterly nonsensical as the universe had proven itself to be.

And from somewhere deep within the Stellar Shuriken, a sinister force awaited the next turn of this cosmic, condiment-fueled adventure.