I am walking around, where several people are waving their hands at me and greeting me with salutations. Commoners. People of the faith. Practitioners. The garden is still the best spot for breathing fresh air. The scenery has a blue sky from the horizon. Rivers and lakes are apart. To my right. As the sun is at the peak in the midst of the sky. No clouds have surfaced either. Strange that I am the only one who is visiting this area. I sit on the bench to recuperate what I have to ponder. The grumpiness and gloominess has caught up to me. I was pretty jovial and positive about how I see life and the people around me. An ear and a finger. That is what causes me to change how I view the world as of now. My motivation is in procrastination - staggering.

"Have you ever heard where women dominate men and govern a domain?"

"Look over there! Beyond the seas, you can find them hiding…” the usual thing to say when I am outside the kingdom. And it is no use saying those words. Because at the end of the day, I lost my drive to go away from this land.

“It is fancy seeing you here, Lord Gerðas.” a woman approaches me, while she sits right next to me.

“Oh, hello there. How is your day?” I reply.

“Well, it is pretty hectic nowadays. There is the war. There is the crisis. There is everything.” she rants about what is going on.

“Sure thing.” I concur with her.

“By the way, milord. I smell something from you.” says the woman.

“Hey, I took a bath. What are you trying to say?” I protest.

“What? No! Not about that, Lord Gerðas. It is just,...” she clears her throat, “What I mean is,... I am speaking about why you looked sad despite casting a huge grin on your face.” she sees right through me.

“Well, tell me about it. I am willing to hear what you have to say.” condoning her, I give the gal the chance to express what she has in mind about me.

“Allow me to explain, Lord Gerðas. When you were at the oratory hall, I saw your aura was not so cordial. It was just abhorrence and disgruntled. I don’t know, If I am mistaken or not. You were friendly at the moment but now, you have changed for the worse, milord. Not aggressive or assertive nor demeaning. You are just hard to interact with, Lord Gerðas. That is how I just feel about your presence.” as the woman is trying to wrap it up.

“I see.” a deadpan response, I retort.

I sense myself on how dedicated I was to investing in praying. However, with all the squandered time - I never have a thought about when my wishes will be answered. Is it worth it? Was my allocation to proselytize people erroneous? I am trying to find the answers to my question and yet Lady Wellicia hasn't said anything! So to speak, most of them have told us in order to communicate with entities above... all we need to have is ‘silence.’ Well, I haven’t heard a single noise from the silence itself. Only just the eerie and the irky sensation.

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“Were praying for you too, milord, giving you satisfaction?” she follows it up with another question after she gets my reply. I don’t give her a response right after.

Just like what has occurred in the prayer hall. A déjà vu. Indeed, it is. The auguria had questioned me about being a worthy religious leader of all Hrilala. Some would argue that I don’t deserve holding this position since I am a man. Lady Wellicia prefers women to hold such governance. The queen, Lady Anda, installed me as one, however.

“What do you mean by that, lady?” I ask the woman with a stern tone, because I am utterly annoyed.

“I did not mean to offend you, Lord Gerðas. I am just asking if you are fit to be our leader for all of us. For my concern is your heart is elsewhere rather than setting yourself for us - for Kehina.” she says it again, challenging my zest towards what I am about to fulfill for the rest of my life.

“Praying is wasteful rather than a discrete leisure, when everything is uncertain.” as my voice breaks to decline when speaking these words.

The woman whom I am conversing with just freezes, as in completely frozen whilst looking at me. I am not aware of the situation whether I did something that I was not supposed to do. She makes a distance away from me, hitting the fringe of the bench from the otherside. I do know that there is a grimace looming on her face yet the woman does not want to present that kind of expression before my presence. I shorten the gap between us whereas I make myself approachable by initiating the deed. Slowly. I move my body towards the middle of the bench.

“Who are you?” expressing, says the woman without calling me my honorary to my name. I wince.

From the tip of my tongue - I can’t say the sentence: ‘I am Gerðas.’ without pride no longer. And the way she said earlier ‘Who am I?’ distresses me when I find it difficult to breathe. Respiration falls short. Am I still the one whom the queen of the kingdom of Kehina nurtured and adopted from the alleys of Wasch? The answer is… I still don’t know. Maybe, I have changed. In introspect, the trauma remains the same. The nightmare has changed me. And because of the nightmare, my body is not the usual average man one can see from the outside - they are mangled.

“I am your lord! My name is Gerðas.“ trying to assert my claim, I state it in an imperative manner.

“No, you are not. I shall have my leave. Forgive me, milord.” she dismisses it, then she leaves afterwards.

It seems the favor of being the sole supreme religious leader is not in my hands right now. Even commoners are questioning who I am at this degree. I think it is time to face the reality and retire from this misery. I am no longer an able body to lead the Hrilala people. I am too engrossed in being disoriented. As soon as the lady has left me out of this place… the garden. I withdraw myself back into the dews and the grass. Looking high up, as I am staring through the blue skies.

“I am really messed up!” I shout. Never caring if someone has to find out.

Once again, if I am truly worthy about saying these words: "Have you ever heard where women dominate men and govern a domain?", "Look over there! Beyond the seas, you can find them hiding…” and not even once or twice I ever feel some sort of vibes to these rhetoric. I calmly say beneath my throat.