PART THIRTY-SEVEN

Total Mana: 54,400

Dungeon Tiles: 7,380

MPD: 400

Channel Views: 83,000

Twitter Followers: 170,000 (I was the only person mentioning a possible BV movie)

Total BV Income: 45 USD

In-Game Girlfriends: 1

Seize the Means of Production

I kept Righteous Angus's video open in a browser tab and refreshed it once or twice an hour to bask in its soaring view count and the hostility towards me in the comments. To be fair to him, Angus shot down all talk of ambushing and killing my in-game character, and redirected people's anger towards the heist. People were offering to help, saying they had a cloak of invisibility or lockpicking skills or whatever. Angus replied to all of these with 'Sent you a DM'. If he was direct messaging people with skills, it meant he was building a team. Angus's 11.

Never Gonna Click You Up

I knew Angus was getting attention when the copycat haters started, and when the Swords tried to warn me about him.

From: Valentine

To: Billy-Bob

Hi! You good? I've been thinking about you. [Message redacted. Get your own love letters, you creep.]

Look, there's this guy blowing up. Literally. He saw your latest video (btw you really need to work on your gangsta persona that was upsetting for so many reasons but let's start with the vocabulary) and... well, see for yourself.

She included the link.

From: BB

To: V

Nice try. I'm not clicking that. I know a Rickroll when I see one. I'll talk to you tonight.

That evening we did another Zoom call and after I made it clear I didn't want to talk about Angus, we discussed Nerves of Steel. 'Nick' left her camera off and stayed on mute, as per. The major differences of opinion centered around whether the movie spent enough time with the villain or whether in this case less was more; if Ted Steel was overpowered in a good way or a bad way; and why a certain character did what she did. They asked me tons of questions about Ted Steel, Celestial, Beeny, and Kris, since I'd actually met them without knowing they were so instrumental in saving the world.

"I need to hang up," I said. "Got to plan my next video. Anyone got any ideas of insane stuff I could buy?"

"We could sell you a sawmill," said Adam. "Cheap at twice the price."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure. That's going to appeal to my audience. A sawmill. I'm sure I'll think of something. Bye, everyone."

Buying a Sawmill

"Hi guys, welcome to my channel!" I was back in my normal magician's outfit. This was the first video I'd filmed without 386's help. I was trespassing on the sawmill grounds, walking around it doing a sort of livestream, but I didn't have the confidence to actually broadcast it live. 'As live,' I believe the pros call it.

I turned the camera around so viewers could survey the area. "We're here outside my casino. There's a few empty plots of land, which I'm negotiating to buy. Some guy owns an inn and won't sell it. I'll just keep doubling the offer until he caves. It's only money, am I right? Speaking of which, some dudes built this sawmill just before the end of the world. Rush job - they wanted to get an achievement badge. Paid extra! Guess what, world didn't end, suckas! I bought it from them today. Maybe I should have taken a look before handing over the cash. I kinda thought the trees might be a bit more mature. This lot are pretty feeble." I kicked a tree. "Grow faster! That's an order!" I laughed like I'd done something funny. "This is lame. Let's go inside and see the latest in cutting-edge technology. Cutting-edge. Get it? Ugh. I'm not inspired today."

There followed a drab tour of the inside of a sawmill. "Guys, I've made a mistake. Hands up - you can't get everything right. This was dull. I'm signing off. What can I buy that's more exciting? Leave your ideas in the comments. Bain out."

Second Opinions

I spent the rest of my hour in the dungeon talking to 386 and Konstantin. There were now three types of fish in the aquariums - I didn't ask how they'd got there, but did suggest they do their best to get us a live shark.

What I really wanted was to hear what the guys had to say about the movie.

Konstantin was mostly interested in the dynamics of his former city and how the elites behaved. He'd seen glimpses of their plots and overheard schemes when working in his fancy hotel. But he was still shocked by their cruelty and caprice. "There's no-one they wouldn't trample and discard," he said, staring into the distance. "That Beeny is going to be a real heartbreaker," he added.

386 said it was fascinating watching the angles and shot compositions chosen by the human editors. It was much more simple and restrained than he would have chosen. And seeing the reactions of me and Swords had been a real eye-opener for him. "I think I should tone down my wipes and transitions."

"No!" I said. "No, what you're doing is perfect. Don't get all classy on me now."

Art is a Conversation Between Artists

The story gets to be a little bit of call and response between my channel and Righteous Angus's. Which is to say that I'd post a video of me showing off and he'd post one mocking me and starting to sketch out how the heist would work.

Just a little example of each, to prevent the book becoming a series of descriptions of videos while still giving you a bit of flavor.

My video: I'm sat on a desk groaning under the weight of gold coins and other swag. An NPC is stood 20 yards away, describing how a loan from me would rescue his business, or let him expand, or pay for his child's medicine. Basically I'd created an in-game Shark Tank. Obviously the NPCs in these scenes weren't real. They were just deepfakes created by 386 to respond to what I was pretending to say to them. I was cold to half of them and cruel to the other half. Sometimes I'd tell them I'd give them some coins if they danced. There was a method to my madness but honestly, some of the stuff I was creating was HARD to watch.

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Angus's video: He's going through my old videos frame by frame, pointing out items in my vault that are just lying around. He shakes his head as he announces that it's a rare Sword of Omens or a Helmet of Kohl or whatever, and that I'm an absolute moron for not realizing that the magic items I've got are worth more than all the gold. Then there's a section where he says he's in touch with a potionmaker who'll whip up some knock-out gas to deal with some of the lower-level guards and his team is nearly complete. Then he's worked himself into such a frenzy he pulls up the map of Gargantua and tries to find the exact location of my casino because he wants to pay a visit himself.

Now that last bit is important, and I'm going to slightly break the chronology of events to tell you about it. Angus turned up in the dungeon and started walking around the one-way path checking out all the rides and games. At first he was dismissive. "Lair Hockey? Absolute shift." He slapped the puck around. But he soon became enamored with what the dungeon had to offer. I mean, who could resist the charms of Spider Slam? Watching his burning rage turn to incandescent joy was intoxicating.

Of course, as far as Angus and his viewers knew, all this stuff had been created by the previous owner of the casino downstairs. Right? So it was okay to like it. I barely mentioned the theme park in my own videos. So for all the Bain-haters it was fine to enjoy it while still despising me. Got it?

And the reason this is important and needs to be mentioned now is that with the exact location right there in the video description, and with the angriest man on the internet raving about how cool the theme park was, human players started to come to the dungeon to see it for themselves.

I don't know if you remember, but this was a moment I'd been trying to prepare for. The dungeon had to be awesome enough to keep them entertained, but also able to defend itself from the 1% of 'deplorables' who would try to kill the core just to pass on everyone's pancakes. Thanks to my careful misdirection, the latter group thought the 'casino core' was downstairs, currently inaccessible to human players. And thanks to our many weeks of innovation and iteration, the entertainment value was through the roof. Well... not quite through the roof. That would be the last step...

You're Breaking Up

My phone rang. My real phone. Number withheld. Probably my boss trying to get me to pick up an extra shift.

"Bain Industries," I said.

"Hello, Bain Industries. This is Nicola."

Who? I thought. "Who?" I said.

"Nicola. Oh, you're so dense. Nicki Valentine. Nicki. Nick. The girl you [the line went dead for a second] in the cinema."

Our first phone call! The first time I'd ever heard her real voice! I mean, I now knew that her in-game voice was her real voice, but this was the first time I heard her voice knowing it was her voice. "Oh! Wow. This is unexpected. I'm literally speechless. I have no speech."

"So listen. I need to ask you something." My heart sank. Nothing good ever came after those words! She took a deep breath. "I need to know if you click your fingers at servers."

"What? No."

"You did in your video."

I tried to remember what she was talking about. "Oh, that!" I laughed. "Yep. Guilty." I laughed again.

"Is it funny, though? I think I don't think it's funny."

"Oh." From her tone it was clear I'd taken the obnoxiousness too far. I had to decide to let her into my plans or not. To try to keep her as my in-game girlfriend or not. Not a hard choice. "Okay, listen. This is between me and you, yeah? It's not for the Swords. I need you to make a noise of acknowledgement. Grunt like a pig or whatever."

"Oink."

"I'm being annoying on purpose."

"That's clear but you were so mean to that orphan. You threw coins at her. She was really crying."

"Orphan? Oh, the Shark Tank bit. Those people aren't real. They're CGI. You can't seriously think..."

"I'm waiting for you to explain."

"No, that's it. I'm being annoying on purpose. To the viewers, not to actual NPCs. That's the whole TED talk."

"But why?"

"Clicks and views. Money. I am grubbing for money. Dirty dirty grubbing in the muck like a truffle pig. And mana for 386. We had our first outsider player visit the dungeon yesterday. Level 9 fire mage. He gave us 9 mana and lost 13 bits on the one-armed bandits. Favorite trap: cannonball."

"But they're going to try to kill 386!"

"Some of them. Let them try. You know as well as anyone how well defended he is. And we've made improvements since then."

"But they're going to dislike you!"

"Who? The people who hate-watch my channel?" I laughed again. "So?"

"So I don't like seeing you like that. I want people to see you the way I do. The real Billy-Bob. The innovator. The guy who's kind to his skeleton. I want them to see you explain the new rides you've designed. You light up when you're showing off your new creations. I want people to see the real you."

That cut out my laughter, my flippancy. I knew she liked me, but this was her saying she liked me in a way that meant she really liked me. You know? "Oh, Nicole," I said.

"Nicola."

"Oh, Nicola. Nicks. New York Nicks. Stevie Nicks. Richard Nixon." Okay, maybe still a little bit flippant.

"Nicola."

"Nicola. The thing is that if I poke my air conditioner to get it spinning again and it cuts my finger off, I can't afford to have them sew it back on. When gas prices go up ten percent I walk ten percent of the way to work. When my smartphone dies I'll be using a flip phone for the next 6 months. I can't afford to care if people like me or not. That's not the kind of luxury people like me have. I've determined that being a jackhash will get my channel noticed and get me some money. I know it's low. I know it's crass. But in the recent past I've given serious thought to diluting my milk to make it last longer. Does any of this make any sense to you?" She didn't reply. "Some guys at work invited me to play basketball over lunch and I really wanted to. But I had to make an excuse. What if I break something? I drive at 55 on the highway. I spend almost my whole life dangling over the edge of a cliff. I'm always scared." I'd never thought this way before and it surprised me how true it was. My eyes were starting to water but it didn't matter - she couldn't see me. "Being a deck on the internet is my best shot at making a better life. There's more money in hate and drama than creativity. That's just how it is." I sighed. "The good news is, it won't take long for the whole thing to be over. I'm nearly at the end."

Two Words

Our call ended badly, and twenty minutes later I got an email from Adam asking me to 'unbuy' the sawmill so that my haters didn't burn it to the ground. I'd gone too far. Dragged others into my weird vortexes. Again. Not too good as this whole 'learning' thing, was I?

Having treated myself to a little pity party, I woke up refreshed and ready to conquer the world. Of course, first I had to go and spend 9 hours being a wage slave, being abused by the lowest ungrateful moron in a tall hierarchy of ungrateful morons. THEN it was into the dungeon to talk things out with 386. Just me and him.

"Hey, buddy," I said.

"4B," he said. "You gettin' your cash on?"

"Come on," I said, feeling a surge of shame and remorse. "You know that's not who I am. Look, I want to ask you something. I've gotten so much out of this partnership. A sense of purpose. A sandbox to let loose my ideas. A real insight into this world and its possibilities. Money here and money out there, fingers crossed. And you wingmanned me with that girl."

"Oh! Did I do a good job, then?"

"Absolutely. You nailed it. It was a bit forced in the beginning but you're a fast learner. I appreciate it."

"Oh, wow. I'm happy. I'm going to shove that all the way up 299's crevices."

That nearly broke my flow, but I was a man on a mission. "So yeah. I'm doing great. Whatever happens, you've done your part. More than. So I'm asking if I've done my part. Did I do right by you?"

"Are you asking if I'm happy I entered into our partnership?"

"Yes."

He was silent for a long time. "Much has happened since I met you. You turned me into a playground for children. You forced me to create Lair Hockey. You left me defenseless for weeks." His core hummed and brightened. "You taught Lennie to play music. You were suitably impressed when I took your rudimentary ideas and turned them into masterpieces of sight and sound. You talked to me like I was a person."

"You are a person, bro. I knew that from the start."

"And you got me strong enough to kill a level 20 human. Do you know the highest level I killed in the olden days? 6. And he was already injured when he came in. Apart from him, my best was a level 4. Did you know I'm on the mana leaderboard, now? I'm a top 100 dungeon. Still far behind you know who. But that bothers me less and less. No dungeon is experiencing what I'm experiencing. No other dungeon is granted so much attention by the Engine. No other dungeon is in a business relationship with Ted Steel!" He sighed contentedly. "I want to diminish your role in these events, if only to provoke a comedic altercation between us. But it's not possible. You the man, dog."

"Great," I said. "That's great." My hands were clasped together and I was rubbing my palms with my thumbs. "We've got a few more videos to make. They're gonna be wild."

"Yes, they are!" I'd already told him the plot.

"And the hourlies have started coming. Mana mana mana, mana makes the world go round. Yeah? They're going to love the park. They'll come again and again. But they'll get bored. They always do. So we have to keep things fresh."

"My drips aren't fresh?"

"They're fresher than 299's. But listen. You can always get fresher. And if you're a dungeon park, there are two words that are fresher than all the others put together. You ready? Roller. Coasters."