PART THIRTY-NINE

@BVLeaks

14:35 What's the past tense of heist?

14:37 The heist has heisted.

15:13 It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.

18:22 Angus has just uploaded 13 (!!!) videos to BV+ and YouTube ready to dripfeed. Cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. You're going to want to watch this.

Heistchester Rovers

I think I'll tell the story of the heist as most people saw it - through Angus's BV channel. He had indeed uploaded 13 videos, and in the many months since that day, he has uploaded a grand total of... one more. But we'll get to that.

The first 11 videos were short introductions to Angus's heisters, who he'd shoehorned into the positions of a soccer team called Heistchester Rovers. The concept was lame, but I suppose it was better than nothing. Every vid started with a 3-second anime-style collage with lots of things flashing across the screen. Once those elements cleared we saw a team lineup - 6 players standing over 5 crouching ones. In the first video they were all in silhouette. This was followed by a dark, cavernous set with one light shining down onto a simple wooden chair.

1 - Goalkeeper - Trevor Sexton - "Sexty Beast"

A half-orc faces us, squirms. His eyes dart slightly to the left as though he's looking at someone behind the camera.

"I should start talking?" He scratches his neck. "Um... I'm Trev. I'm from Atlanta but I've got a Bri'ish accent coz I lived there when I was a kid and I ain't shifted it. Um... Be'erVerse. I wanted to be strong, right, so I could smash stuff. I would of gone full orc if I could but they don't let you." More scratching. "I wanted to join The Heist coz I fink it ain't right what Bain done. He got lucky and he should of been nice but he went the uvver way. Gus asks how many people I've killed in the game and I said, well, nun. And he asked why and I said when I start brawlin' people want to start, like, negotiatin'. And he says why not kill em anyway? And I says nah that ain't right when it's over it's over. He went oh so you're a peacemaker. And I loved that. I was buzzin' off that for days. So yeah. I'm the muscle. I'm not going to the casino to kick off, but if it kicks off I'll do what I gotta."

There's a murmur off camera.

"Bain? No, I don't care none 'bout him no more. It's all about the team. We'z got a good gang, top lads. If I have to clock some guards, so be it. But Bain? He ain't worth it."

2 - Right Back - Max - "SeverusSnipe"

(The soccer team in the intro now has one player not in silhouette. In every new vid we see all the people we've 'met'. Like an advent calendar.)

A human in a green cloak is sitting head down, motionless. Someone behind the camera says 'go' and there's a very slow, very deliberate raising of the head. The human pushes back their green hood. It's a very average-looking guy.

"Hello. My name is Maximus Deciduous. I'm an internet troll. I like to think of myself as semi-professional. I spend three, four hours a day leaving provocative comments on social media. More than half of my tweets start with the words 'Well, what about...' My happiest moment last year was getting Tate McRae to delete her Instagram. The Heist? I'm the sniper. I'll be offering long-range support for the break-in, and if any backup is called it's my job to pin them down."

Someone mumbles something.

"Bain? As one troll to another, I raise my hat to him."

3 - Left Back - Liv - "Liverace"

Half-elf, half-human. Gender unclear. He/she/other is covered in huge feathers that make him/her/them look like a particularly flirtatious peacock.

"Hi, I'm Liv. I play a high-Charisma build. What most players don't get is how overpowered charisma is in this game. Boys, put down your BIG SWORDS for, like, a second, and try talking to people! You might like it!" Liv giggles. "I've got lots of jobs on The Heist, but if you want to see everything, visit my OnlyFans page. That's if you want to see everything." Giggle.

"Bain? Oh, he's quite cute. I like a man who can handle his weapon." Giggle. "But we are going to take all his money. Who knows? Maybe he's into that. A lot of my OnlyFans subs have a findom fetish."

4 - Center Back - Trinidad - "Strativarius"

Human hermit. Tonsured head. Long beard. (Hermits were basically BetterVerse's version of monks, because there wasn't supposed to be actual religion.) Think hand-to-hand combat with some basic spells.

"Good morning. My name is Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso. My English is not so well. This is my second character. My first, he die a lot. I understand to fight you must be in a team, so I make Strativarius. Support class. Why I'm chosen for The Heist? Double Jump. Boing boing. You will see. Haha! Jess, you will see."

"Bain? I say this to Bain!" He flicks his thumb nail from behind his front teeth.

5 - Center Back - Louise J. Taylor - "Zoomo"

Dogwoman. Has at least three crossbows strapped to different parts of her body.

"I've got restricted mobility in real life so I chose the fastest race I was allowed. They keep saying they'll discontinue the dogman class, but they'll have to pull the code from my cold, dead hands. I love it! People say the dogmen are feeble and the low constitution makes them a poor choice for combat. But if you want a swordfight you're going to have to catch me first. How you gonna catch me in your heavy armor? Just like I thought. Not going to happen. You know that Siege Wall Simulator? I can nearly beat Trinidad up there. When we take control of the casino I've got a few game ideas of my own. Obstacle courses. American Ninja stuff. My role in The Heist? Isn't it obvious?"

"Bain? Who cares? He's yesterday's news."

6 - Center Midfield - Kate4040 - "Ph4nt0mThr3d"

Human female. Big Jane Austen vibes.

"Sorry, I'm not really feeling very sociable today. I've got a splitting headache. One too many G+Ts last night."

Mumbles from behind the camera. A big sigh from the human.

"I'm Kate. From New Zealand. I don't do much combat stuff. I'm a bit old for that kind of thing. Actually I started playing BV because I saw a video about someone doing sewing and embroidery in-world and I thought that looked like the kind of game I might play. And one thing led to another and now I craft elite armor for rogues and mages. I shouldn't really be on The Heist, but I do have one very specific skill that might come in useful. I've got to say I've been feeling sick about it. What if I let the side down? What if I sleep through my alarm?"

Murmurs.

"Bain? He's a villain. Why can't everyone see that he's a villain? It's blindingly obvious to me."

7 - Right Midfield - Mike - "Mike the Mechanic"

This person is turned away from the camera.

"Name's Mike. I'm pretty boring. I like fixing stuff. People think I'm into steampunk but I'd never heard of it till I started playing BV."

He turns round and we see a steampunk dwarf. Ginger hair, tidy beard, goggles, and an oversized backpack with tubes leading to some kind of electric power fists.

"My dream is to build, like, a tank or an exoskeleton. Something where a hero could take a lot of damage while the archers and mages dance around. I love World War 1 stories. It's weird to like a war, isn't it? I shouldn't have said that."

Mumbles from behind the camera.

"The Heist? I'm building the getaway carts. All that treasure's gonna be heavy. Normal cart would just go splat. It's tricky stuff. My workshop looks like the A-Team. And I'm making some grenades, but I hope they won't get used."

"Bain? He's not very nice, is he?"

8 - Center Midfield - Solemnity Hope - "Ladie Smoove"

A black human is giving the camera a wry, amused smile. Her voice is very low, very seductive. She's scratching an apple with a fingernail.

"Hey there YouTube," she says.

Righteous Angus steps out from behind the camera and looks down the lens. "Other platforms are available," he growls, then retreats.

"You tell 'em, sweetie. I play a feral druid. Lots of shredding and ripping. And that's just in the bedroom. When it comes to fighting the most delicious sound is the lamentation of the women and the children." She laughs. "But I'm not part of The Heist for my combat prowess. And Gus wants Liverace to do the seductive work. Missed opportunity, if you ask me. My role is disappointingly trivial." She laughs again. She holds the apple by the stalk and pulls at the peel. It comes off in one long, spirally piece. Very satisfying.

"Bain? He's just a boy. He needs a real woman to show him a good time. Turn him into a man. I wonder who it'll be?" She bites into the naked apple and her eyes widen with pleasure.

9 - Striker - Angus - "ClubberClang"

A monster wearing black armor sits on the chair. Steam pours out of his red eye sockets.

"My name is Angus. I'm a Death Knight. I love this game. It's an experience like no other. You know my role in The Heist. I'm the leader. And I'm the tank. I can take a lot of punishment, but I can dish it out, too. YOU HEAR ME, BAIN?"

The hulking suit of armor shifts awkwardly. Angus's voice softens. "Um... this heist is sponsored by Squarespace. If you need to make a website, use the promo code TheHeist for 10 percent off at the checkout. Yeah. Squarespace.com."

10 - Striker - Sam - "Sam"

A scrawny human male sits crossed-legged in front of the chair, ruining Angus's careful lighting setup.

"My name's Sam. It was the most common name the year I was born. And the year before and the year after. I'm all about music. Flows. Freestyles. Haikus? I dabble. I dabble LIKE A FOX. With my flows you'd think I'd be a megastar here. Turns out, NPCs don't like my sound. So now there are 2 worlds not ready for what I got. My poetry's too true. So while I wait for taste to catch up, I thieve. I steal. Ever been to a market and got a notification that you lost a gold coin? That was me. I'm in your purse. I'm in your DMs. I'm in your girlfriend's DMs. I'm just not in your ears. Not yet. Wait till I bring out Heist the Musical. I've been scribbling rhymes since day 1. You know two words that are hard to rhyme? Angus. And heist." He clears his throat.

"Every day is the nice t'ing goin' out heisting with Angus the main mean 'n his furious fast team."

"What? You said I could do one verse. No! That's not even half a verse! Guuuuuus."

Sam folds his arms. Angus mumbles something.

"The Heist? I dunno. Distractions and stuff. Being quote annoying unquote."

"Bain. He's all right. He's misunderstood. I know the feeling."

11 - Left Midfielder - A Blue Gelatinous Blob

A large, cube of jello is quivering on the chair. It wobbles for about ten seconds. A tall elf approaches and immolates it with two streams of flame.

The elf smiles at the camera, and the intro restarts.

11 - Left Midfielder - Brodon the Bold

The elf rests one foot on the chair.

"My name is Brodon. I am a princeling from the Grand Duchy of Bannover, founding member of the Clanseatic League. I fight with lance and shield, but I am, naturally, adept with blade, bow, and gymnastic ribbon. Mister Angus wishes me to use fire magic, of which my talent is second to none, during The Heist. All who oppose us shall be consumed by flames. Few are so foolhardy; victory is assured before battle commences."

"Bain? I only know what you have told me. The misdeeds of a knave do not concern a prince. I seek only to restore the Scepter of Bannover to its rightful home."

The elf strolls away. Gus waits for him to get out of earshot, then looks down the lens and whispers, "He's an NPC. I was trying to be, like, neurodiverse. It helps that he can melt pretty much anything." He shakes his head. "So. That's the team. Coming next, the plan."

Everyone Has a Plan Till They Get Punched in the Face

The first 4 videos had huge view counts, and Angus was clearly raking in bathtubs full of ad revenue, but when people realised the format would be the same, times 11, the number of viewers took a bit of a nosedive. People were interested, sure, but 11 was just too many to absorb in a day. New character fatigue.

But the planning video that followed was good, and surprisingly short. Angus had gone low-tech, which made a nice contrast to my own videos, which were sometimes overly cinematic.

It was shot in a massive hangar. All 11 heisters were standing around a simple table that had a couple of maps laid out. Angus pointed to a zoomed-out map of the hill and the surrounding area. "Max. Climb to the roof of this inn and set up. I've left you some binoculars, water, and knock-out arrows. The inn itself is almost empty. There's one park employee who squats there but he'll be inside the park, so don't worry about being heard. Pay particular attention to your lines of sight down this road. This is where players would portal from if Bain somehow knows we're there."

"Can I kill 'em?"

"Try warning shots, first. But yes. NPCs, try to wound. Arrow to the knee. Liv, Kate, Ladie Smoove, Sam. Log in, get in. Hit your positions. Liv, start chatting up guards. Sam, decide whether to use the fish or the tentacle."

"I was thinking: maybe the shark."

"If we can find where it is. It's probably downstairs in the actual casino."

"I think it's upstairs in the park. I'll find it."

"Up to you. Kate, you know what to do. Ladie Smoove, ditto. Mike. We'll need the carts at the entrance 40 minutes into the heist. You've worked out the timings?"

"Yep. I've been bringing logs to the dungeon. There's always loads of deliveries of wood. Burned, most of it, so what's the point? But no-one's noticed me. I'm just another delivery driver. I've got the timing bang-on. Nothing can go wrong."

Almost everyone else groaned. Ladie Smoove said, "What did we say? What did we say?"

Mike raised his hands. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not trying to jinx it! I'm just saying that the carts will be there."

Angus shook his head, then got back to business. He grabbed the table and lifted it up and away. The camera angle changed and we saw the scene from above - black tape on the floor gave us the outline of the dungeon at about 1:5 scale. He went to where the entrance was marked and called over his hit squad. "Ten minutes after Liv arrives, it's go time. Me, Brodon, Zoomo, Trev, and Trinidad, burst through the entrance, deal with any guards in the park, take out that skeleton." He mimed smashing things with his hammer as he walked the path he expected to take.

"Aww," said Kate. "Not Lennie."

Angus glared at her. "I know you think he's cute and yes, we've never seen him do anything other than check the floor for lost coins. But I don't want to have to worry about what's behind me when we get through the fallout doors."

Kate sighed, but nodded.

Angus continued. "Flames, double jump, detect magic, drain magic, pick lock. We've got every base covered. That door will open. Then it's double time through the casino, guards, guards, vault. Haul, escape, cart, riches, glory." He looked around the table. "Don't get distracted. Don't stop to do someone else's job. Trust each other. Any questions?"

Sam put his hand up. "We're sure Bain won't be there?"

Angus grinned. "I guarantee it."

The camera panned around the group, then slowly lifted itself away, through the ceiling, up into the sky, where it rested on a pink and purple sunset and the promise of a better, brighter tomorrow. Tomorrow was, after all, Heist Day.