PART FORTY

The Heistenberg Uncertainty Principle

When you watch a heist movie, things go smoothly at first. Then comes the turn, and every single piece of planning brushes up against various hitherto unknown obstacles. The villain clashes with the heroes, explaining that he knew about the heist all along and has masterfully foiled it. He says something like "I've been one step ahead of you this whole time."

The viewer is left in a state of uncertainty. If George Clooney is so clever, why is he so stupid? But guess what? George Clooney isn't in a police van being taken to jail. He takes his handcuffs off, the word 'police' on the van dissolves along with the rest of the paint, and the van itself turns into a supercar slash hovercraft. And Clooney turns to his astonished female friend and says "I wanted him to be one step ahead of me. Because that was the only way he would take the Klimt out of his vault." And she opens her suitcase and it isn't full of bombs, it's full of art! "Kiss me George Clooney," she says.

Hmm. I got a bit carried away there. I was trying to make a point about something, but now I can't remember what it was.

Ah, well.

The Last Emails of the Book

To: Bain

From: Charles (the only Sword who was still talking to me, and no longer via Valentine)

Hi bro. This can't be the first message you're getting but just in case no-one else has told you - the dungeon's been destroyed. They did the heist and now the whole hill is up in flames. Wait, no. You tweeted that Angus uploaded 13 videos. So you must have known already. Or you could have found that out on your lunch break but not logged in to BV yet... I'm confused. Can you at least let me know if 386 is alive? Maybe you can move him and rebuild? The worst thing is I'm excited to see the heist video. You're a jerk and you're a sociopath but you are entertaining.

To: Charles

From: Bain

Hi. I didn't take Angus's threats very seriously, but I did leave a couple of extra defenses in place. If 386 is really dead, he'll have gone down swinging. One thing - in case you don't want to talk to me after you watch Angus's video (I don't expect to come across very well) I want you to know that you are an awesome dude and 386 reckoned your IKEA tips added 20% to his daily mana income. And the one-way flow will make the heist very easy to follow, I'm sure. So thanks, and sorry.

To: Charles

From: Bain

Oh, one more thing...

Get popcorn.

HEEEEEISSSSST

dumdumdumdumdum

A low drumbeat pounds as gentle as the first heartbeats of a newborn butterfly.

The camera is positioned behind Sam. He looks up and spots Max up on the roof of the nearby inn. He looks back down the path and checks his watch. This is purely for dramatic effect as he has a clock on his HUD. As he enters the amusement park he turns to give the viewers a little wink.

dumdumdum

He nods at a security guard, drops a bit into a coin pusher, walks away, walks back to collect his winnings!, taps on a fishtank containing no fish but lots of tiny little squids. Around the next corner he brushes past Ladie Smoove, who is filing her long nails in front of a painting.

dumdumdum

Sam hesitates as a skeleton crosses in front of him, heading into the Mystery Room. Sam exhales and continues past the Pirate Ship, which is swinging screaming guests back and forth, held steady by four enormous steel pillars. He frowns at it - on the plans this is where the fallout shelter door used to be.

dumDUMdum

The drummer puts a little more energy into his performance. Sam speeds up, too. The fallout door hasn't moved far - the plan can still work. He locks eyes with Kate, who is wearing a bizarrely huge coat which isn't suspicious at all. Finally, Sam sighs with relief as he spots Liv walking arm-in-arm with Konstantin. The video freezes for a moment as the words 'Casino Manager' appear by his head. Unfreeze. Sam holds in a breath as he passes the couple, then they are safely behind him and he exhales. One potential danger point avoided...

Sam is almost jogging now, hurrying around the maze, but the camera changes and we are now seeing from Kate's POV. Her attention is focused on Liv, who is dressed like a peacock and is walking their fingers up Konstantin's arm. He blushes and looks left and right, then goes to the fallout door. Liv giggles. Konstantin presses his hand onto a panel, which lights up like a game of Tetris. He rotates some shapes and pulls them down to the bottom, and when all 8 squares are filled, the door sounds like a gong and starts to swing open.

His broad smile flickers as he spots Kate. Why is she wearing such a monstrous coat? Liv grabs his chin and turns his face back towards theirs. He smiles again. The fallout door is halfway open now. Ladie Smoove is moving closer, still filing her nails, pretending to only have eyes for the art on the walls.

There's an enormous bang, and Konstantin's head snaps to the left. Sam comes running. "The shark is loose!" he roars. NPCs begin to scream and run, some obeying the one-way system and thus dooming themselves. Konstantin takes a couple of steps towards the shark - quite heroically, really - before he stops himself. The casino door is open... He looks to the right. Five huge warrior types are sprinting towards him. Towards the casino! His eyes widen.

"Alarm!" he shouts. "Sound the alarm!"

Ladie Smoove is behind him - she jabs him in the neck with her nail file. He falls unconscious instantly. "One second," she says, shaking her head. "One second quicker and I would have had him."

"Maybe it'll all be okay," says Kate, who has come to join Liv and Ladie Smoove by the fallout door. "Maybe nothing will - "

The lights in the amusement park switch from Swiss Magnolia to Failed Heist Red. Noises of all kinds come from all directions. An awooga from over here, a swish from other there, a smash of glass from the front, an ominous groan of metal from behind.

"No!" Liv has a death grip on the fallout door, but is making no difference as it pushes itself shut. Kate, thinking fast, dashes through and tumbles down the stairs that are behind it. Ladie Smoove tries to join her, but is too slow. She is crushed by the closing door and disappears in a puff of blue light. Liv screams.

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"Liv, help!" It's Trev, the half-orc. He's got three squids clinging on to one arm, and with his free hand he's trying to rip another one from the face of Trinidad, the hermit. Brodon is cooking a dozen others with his flames. Where's Angus? A guard flies through the air, struck by the Death Knight's oversized hammer. The NPC hits the ground and flops like a stuffed toy. Zoomo leaps and catches a squid in her teeth - she lands on all fours and shakes her head savagely. Seeing Lady Smoove has died, she howls.

Liv sends down some medium-range healing spells, and soon the warriors are at the door. Angus thumps it in frustration. "Brodon! Try to melt it!"

"I'm out of mana! Give me a minute!"

"We don't have a minute!"

The deafening rendering of metal suddenly stops, and all eyes turn towards the Pirate Ship. Even the panicking, fleeing park guests stop to gawp at it. One by one, the steel pillars pop, and with the last one detached, the ship crashes to the floor. All is quiet. "Hoist sails!" cries a voice. Something waddles to the front of the ship - it's Lennie dressed as Long John Silver. He peers down a spyglass and, after spotting Angus and his fellows, points a cutlass at them. He grins - one of his teeth is gold.

Sails come out of nowhere and fill with wind - how? - and the Pirate Ship advances towards Angus. Slowly, ever so slowly. But then... it's not slow. Not slow in the least.

"Holy ship!" cries Angus. "Scatter!"

The Pirate Ship, now moving at several thousand miles per hour, sweeps over the group and crashes into the tentacle enclosure. The baby squids still living squee squee squee all the way up the sides of the wreck, sticking onto knots of rope and loose bits of wood. They settle there, happy, for all of four seconds, until the tentacle begins eating them whole.

"What now?" shouts Trinidad.

"Where's Sam?" yells Trev.

Angus's eyes roll up while he checks his menus. "He's dead," he says.

Zoomo howls again, but the wail is cut short - she's just seen the giant shark down the other end of the path. Wherever the shark goes, a thousand tons of water come with it.

"These are new shoes," says Liv. "I don't want to get them wet!"

Angus slams himself on both sides of his helmet, twice, then picks up his hammer again. "Get this door open!"

Brodon has enough mana back to try to melt the hinges.

Liv tries Detect Magic.

Trinidad casts Dispel Magic.

Out of nowhere, Max appears. "I was watching Kate's feed. There's a Tetris game for a key!" He jabs at the control panel, rotates shapes, pushes them down. Uh-uh! No solid line. "Argh!" he cries. "I need more time!"

The shark was mere seconds away. A noise from behind made them look - the tentacle had eaten so many baby squids that it had doubled in size. It was slapping everything within range with a look of pure ecstasy on its suckers.

"We don't have - "

The door opens, and every available hand grabs an edge and pulls with all their might. The heisters throw themselves forward just as the shark passes. 4,000 kilos of shark slap into the door; it buckles - it won't close again, and they scramble down the stairs.

"Good job, Max!"

"It wasn't me."

Every eye turns to Kate, still in her oversized coat. "If you want a job done well, get a housewife." She rolls up her sleeves. "Are we going to finish this heist or what?"

Casino

Angus slapped Kate on the back. "I knew having a neurodiverse team would help us."

"I'm not neuro - " she started. Her smile returned. "You cheeky sod. You can thank me later. I think we need a new plan."

"No," said Angus. "Same plan. Only difference is we'll have to fight either that shark or that tentacle on the way out. No-one ever said this would be easy."

"You said it would be easy," said Max.

"8 or 9 times," said Brodon.

"What if the shark makes friends with the tentacle?" said Trinidad.

"If a shark can make friends with a tentacle," said Kate, "then so can we." And she smiled even wider.

Liv tilted her head. "Are you - in real life - are you an elementary school teacher?"

"I am. How did you know?"

Liv grinned. "Just a hunch. Which way is the vault?"

Brodon reached into his jacket and pulled out twin daggers. "The direction all the guards are coming from."

"Heisters assemble!" shouted Angus.

Brodon stood taller, but the humans sighed, tutted, or shook their heads. There was no time to discuss alternate quotable quotes, for the first guards were upon them. Brodon was a whir of blades with the occasional fireball fired at point-blank range. You know, for variety.

Trevor rugby tackled two of the bigger guards and kept them pinned long enough for Liv to amble up and backstab them in the necks.

Angus tried and failed to clear a path for Zoomo to dash down and flank the guards, who were spawning in crazy numbers. But Trinidad finally got to show off his double jump, appearing on the other side of the melee and taking out the lead guard. When he fell, so did four others. "Decoys!" he said. "They've got new tricks."

"No kidding," shouted Kate. Everyone turned to see what she was pointing at.

One end of the corridor was now, quite simply, a huge mouth. Rows of teeth circling rows of teeth. Teeth squared. Teeth cubed. Teeth to the 4th dimension. Teeth, gums, and that bumpy bit in the middle that goes burp.

"Mouth!" shouted Max, stupidly. "I'll cover you." He knelt and fired a dozen incredibly precise arrows while the others sprinted away. Precisely one second later, Max had overtaken them. "Invincible mouth!" he shouted. "Devil take the hindmost!"

"Argh!" roared Angus. He'd tripped. He got to his feet and tried to regain top speed, but for some reason he couldn't get his legs to work. Desperate, he looked up and saw most of his team having the same problem. Zoomo and Brodon were still upright, but... but they were upside down. Running on the ceiling. What?

He put one foot in front of the other, again, again, until he found his personal pocket of gravity. He ran along the right-hand wall. Seeing two teammates on the ceiling and one on a wall, the rest worked it out. Soon the entire team were sprinting for their lives, each at a different angle on a different surface.

"Corner!" shouted Zoomo, far ahead, joyously flinging all four limbs as though splashing in a puddle. She turned out of sight, and the others heard a scream behind them.

Angus turned and saw Zoomo mere yards ahead of the mouth. "What!"

"I appeared here! Don't take the corner! There must be a - "

The mouth swallowed her whole - let out a giggly burp - and headed towards the others. No-one howled for Zoomo.

"What do we do?" said Kate.

Max stated the obvious. "We can't go forward. We can't wait here."

Angus roared with frustration. "It's not real. It's in our heads. It's a mental trap. Mental resistance! Who has it?"

"Me," said Brodon. He turned to face the mouth. "I defy you!"

To everyone's surprise, Trevor joined him. He started singing, woefully out of tune. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine."

The rest of the humans joined him. They stood side by side, arms linked, united in song. "You make me happy when skies are gray."

Brodon clung to Trevor, a fierce look of pride on his face. He didn't know the words, but he could harmonize better than 9 out of 10 princes. "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you."

"Please don't take my sunshine away."

As the mouth salivated its way through the team, the picture went completely black.

And stayed that way.

Until a voice sang out, deep, resonant, and certain.

"Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito

Deja que te diga cosas al oído."

"No no no!" said Angus. "No, Trinidad. I am NOT singing Despacito!"

"I'll learn you the words."

"No!"

The blackness faded away, and the heisters were there, alive and well, in the middle of a corridor. Without the guards, without the mouth, they recognized it as part of the casino. A little side table held six glasses of champagne. "Don't mind if I do," said Kate, and threw one down her throat.

"I think we've all earned this," said Angus, removing his massive black helmet. His head was sweaty, his hair was matted down at random, but he was smiling as he handed out the cold flutes. They said cheers, clinked, and drank.

Angus hurled his glass against a wall. "No more mister nice heist," he said, replacing his helmet. "We've burned half our time and we haven't even started loading the treash. Shoot to kill. It's all about speed now. Ready? Huhh!"

They sprinted. They lobbed deadly grenades onto blackjack tables. They picked up and hurled roulette wheels. They crushed resistance. They searched bodies for keys and melted through steel locks.

Finally, at long last, after weeks of meticulous planning, they were in the vault.

"Kate," said Angus.

The schoolteacher took off her strange coat, and began ripping bags from the lining. Thousands of small bags. The gang grabbed them by the fistful, and shoved coins and enchanted items inside. Meanwhile, Kate turned the coat inside out, tugged at what seemed to be a mere thread, and began blowing into it. Soon enough it became clear - she had woven an inflatable dinghy.

The smaller bags, meanwhile, when fully loaded with treasure, could be tied at the ends... The bag would then SHRINK to one-tenth of the size of its contents. Countless such bags were tossed onto the dinghy.

The casino core watched them, gently throbbing, but made no move to defend itself. It simply glowed, and existed, while the vault was emptied.

Angus took no part in this work. He paced around, checking the corridors, watching the clock. Finally, he said, "Time's up. Let's move!"

The others grabbed one flap of the coat-boat, and walked as fast as they dared back towards the fallout door. Angus led the way.

dumDUMDUM

dumDUMDUM

The music was thrilling - much too thrilling - the tension was unbearable. But nothing happened. There was no shark. No swollen tentacle. Even Cap'n Lennie was not to be seen.

The gang shuffled forwards. Onwards. Onwards towards the outside world. Towards glory.

dumDUMDUM

And still - no resistance. No opposition.

It was... too easy.

DUMDUMDUM

Angus slowed down, checked and double checked the fore and the aft, the port and the starboard.

dumdumdum

dumdumdum

It was... over?

They reached the entrance. Here came the twist - Mike the Mechanic would have failed - been the only one to truly fail. Angus's breathing was coming fast and shallow. He ripped off his helmet in a desperate attempt to get more air. The knowledge of inevitable defeat pulled at his cheeks, tormented him. To come so close and be denied!

dumdumdum

But there was Mike! With three fast carts, ingeniously reinforced, pulled by magnificent horses.

They threw their loot into the carts, delirious, and whizzed away at top speed, inches from each other, precision driving at its best. Angus was the last to climb in. He fell on top of a hundred bags containing tiny coins, and a slow smile spread across his lips. A slow, disbelieving smile.

They had done it!

They had heisted the heist.