We had 4 goals. Immortality. Robots do all work. Answers to everything. Internet you can fuck through. We called this 'The Future'. We almost killed everybody.

* Candy

Now

What would you do if you could do anything?

It’s late. My husband is asleep. I should be too, but I’m horny and lonely. So I’m up drinking, smoking, and playing on the internet. Beer, pot, and porn. The bedtime routine of the sexless marriage.

Or, that’s what it usually is, but tonight I’ve been distracted by a question I found online. What would you do if you could do anything?

I should back up a little…

A few days ago, my inbox got slammed with questions about my college thesis - The Simplicity of Human Decisions. This was unexpected. Because I wrote it 20 years ago, and even I’d forgotten about it.

But now I was getting questions, so I gave answers as comprehensively as my relative sobriety allowed. Eventually I asked a few questions of my own. How did you find my research? Why the sudden interest in predicting human decisions? What the hell’s going on?

Their answers led me to a government website called Project Octopus. A portal for researchers to submit their work, but also a forum for polite, but savage, debates about said research. Apparently someone referenced my thesis there. Said it proved that mental illness was inevitable.

News to me. Though, it would explain a few things…

My thesis was an attempt to predict human behavior using the smallest amount of detail. Kind of like a D&D alignment, but more sciency. It consists of three words to describe when you see a problem, and how you deal with it. Works pretty good. Turns out a human is just a couple biases and a coping strategy stuffed in a trenchcoat.

Your first bias is your mood. We define this with your most persistent problem - like tired, broke, or sick. That’s all we need to know your average mood. Don’t think about it too much. May affect the results.

Your second bias is whether you see life as Random or Ordered.

Do things work out how they’re supposed to? Does the cream rise to the top? Does God have a plan? Are some people trying to subvert the natural order to the detriment of everyone? Maybe just the first three? Close enough! You’re on team Ordered.

Or does nothing make sense? Is the world run by nepo-babies? Does God help those who help themselves? Is existence inherently meaningless, and everything’s fucked because of bad luck or bad decisions? If so, welcome to team Rando.

Finally, pick your favorite coping strategy. Choose an alignment based on what you usually do when faced with a problem.

* Fixer - Look for a solution to the problem

* Socialite - Ask for help

* Stoic - Manage your emotions until the problem doesn’t seem important

* Vanisher - Run, hide, or do drugs

And that’s pretty much it. You now have a 3 word alignment that indicates what problems you focus on, and what you’ll do about them. Most alignments get along with others, except Random and Ordered Fixers, who really go at each other. Most of our societal rage-angst is spillover from their battles.

I’m a Horny Random Stoic. My research includes some game theory and statistical analysis that can be used to predict my behavior, but I doubt you need it. I’m lonely, life isn’t fair, and I’m trying not to think about it. You can probably guess that I mostly do nothing.

Except drink. And smoke. And masturbate. Could be turning into a Vanisher.

Anyway, some fellow called Doc-Danger claimed that our favorite coping strategy is born with an evil twin - the coping strategy that must never be used. And that makes mental illness inevitable because of the dopamine loop, the falsity of our early lives, childhood amnesia, and the malaise.

I don’t know what any of those things are. Thankfully, some Socialite asked him to explain, and he posted the following:

The Dopamine Loop:

Dopamine is the brain chemical that rewards success. If an action has worked before, dopamine will give a burst of energy and happy thoughts when you try it again. Conversely, if an action has failed in the past, the lack of dopamine will make you tired and lethargic.

These effects are cumulative. The more often something works, the more you want to do it, until you don’t want to do anything else. Or, if something usually fails, it will get harder and harder to start, until you just can’t bring yourself to even move.

This dopamine loop is an important survival tool for animals in the wild. Unfortunately, humans inhabit a more manufactured environment.

The Falsity of Our Early Lives:

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The environment of our early years is basically just our family. We are completely dependent on them, and they make every decision for us. Even events beyond their control are filtered through them and handled by their initiative.

But we still have one choice - how to treat our family - and our dopamine system is still operating. So we quickly learn what behaviors will be rewarded or punished by our caregivers. Our favorite coping strategy becomes what worked best when we were very, very, small. Which would be helpful if we continued to live in that environment.

Unfortunately, the real world is much bigger than our families, and eventually we end up in it. The strategy used to navigate your mother’s ire may not work in the institutionalized anarchy of a capitalist police state. That’s fine, you can always change your strategy. But it’s hard to change your strategy if you can’t remember why you picked it in the first place.

Childhood Amnesia:

No one knows exactly why we forget our early years. Probably something to do with neuron growth. Anyway, it’s some real Bourne Identity bullshit. All the details of our lives are scrubbed, but we retain our particular set of skills. Including our dopamine loops.

This amnesia makes our most successful strategy an mindless obsession. Instead of knowing that mommy wants us to ask for help, or daddy expects us to solve our own problems, we’re instead left with a vague, but powerful urge to be independent or social, passive or drunk.

And thus, the favorite coping strategy is born. Not with mindfulness, but in its absence.

Once again, this isn’t bad on its own. But not every problem can be solved with a single strategy. And our favorite strategy is born with an evil twin. The strategy that must be avoided at all costs.

The Malaise:

No strategy can solve every problem. Eventually we hit a mismatch. You can’t fix the inevitability of death. Or avoid a divorce. And your social circle is generally as ignorant as you are. A well rounded individual would switch strategies to suit their circumstance. But we can’t.

Because we learned, early on, that some strategies never work. Then we forgot why. But the dopamine loop persists. And it drains us of all energy if we think to ask for help. Or try something different. Or move on.

So instead we bash the mismatched problem with our favorite strategy, until we learn that it doesn’t work either. Now we have no strategy that gives us energy. And we slowly shut down. Until we can barely do anything.

This is the malaise. Brain quicksand.

Yeah…

So, Doc-Danger spins a chilling tale. Like a rorschach campfire story. The crowd on Project Octopus generally appreciates it as an excellent work of psychological horror. Bracing, but fun. Not totally realistic, but gets the blood running. Doc thanked us for our faint praise then asked two questions.

What would you do if you could do anything?

I read a few answers. Cure cancer. End poverty. Eliminate jobs. World peace. Lose weight. Clean my house. Go to the beach. All good stuff. Then we got the second question.

Why aren’t you doing it?

There’s less answers for this one. Perhaps because they’re obvious? I don’t think you can just cure cancer - though that may be the point of Project Octopus. Ending poverty would involve sharing and intense negotiation. Same for world peace. Not sure why some bitch can’t get to the beach. I’m gonna clean my house soon. Shit, I think I get the point.

I’m aware I have a favorite coping strategy - I’m a Stoic - but I assumed I chose it for rational reasons. Emotional Reframing underpins most of ancient philosophy and modern psychology. Basically, suffering is unavoidable, so don’t get attached to things. Bad things will happen, but the mind chooses what is bad. Radical acceptance will set you free. Emotional detachment is a universal solution to the unavoidable suffering of life.

But is all suffering unavoidable? Cause I’m lonely, horny, and hate my job. Pretty sure I could solve that shit. Leave my house, fuck a stranger, and join Project Octopus. Sure, every relationship has problems, but am I even in one? He never touches me and barely talks. Also, fuck my job. Why am I helping billionaires get richer?

If stoicism solves all suffering, why am I miserable? Why do I do drugs by myself every night?

Fuck. Am I in the malaise?

Can I change my favorite coping strategy? I don’t like asking for help, but maybe I could be a Fixer. I could at least try…

I poke around Project Octopus. Dang, they really are trying to cure cancer. I find Doc-Danger’s page. His research pertains to brain transplants. Not to save brains by putting them in healthy donor bodies, but to save bodies by inserting synthetic brains. Is this supposed to cure brain cancer? Would you not lose all memories and become a different person? What the fuck is this guy up to?

I send a direct message.

M - I’ve read your theories on mental illness and have decided to get a divorce to devote my life to fucking strangers. May also quit my job to cure cancer. And go to the beach!

D - Okay. I was not expecting that reaction from my online musings.

M - It was inevitable. The only logical extrapolation from your premise. Also, I want to try sexting. Do you want to sext with me?

D - Okay. I may need to take a closer look at your logic to fully understand how we got here. But, let’s sext now and figure that out later.

…

D - I've never sexted either. Not sure how to start.

M - Me neither.

D - Should we look it up online?

M - No, I want my first time to be awkward.

D - Perfect! I'm taking off my pants.

M - Great! Nice hustle. I'm taking off everything.

D - Wonderful! Me too. Fuck you clothes! Is it too soon to touch myself?

M - I don’t think so. I will too.

...

M - Well, I’m done.

D - Me too. I feel like we should have interacted more.

M - We nailed the awkward part, though.

D - Go team!

M - I liked reading your Octopus account. I think you are funny and smart.

D - Thanks. I liked your research too. You're pretty smart yourself. Want to talk more tomorrow?

M - Okay!

I tidy up and crash.