What is love?

I asked that question myself that question a few weeks ago. Why i even asked that question eludes me, but still, it doesn’t change the fact that i may have already known the answer, so there is no point thinking about it anymore.

In recent weeks i haven’t thought of the question maybe because i have been busy with you know school, and the fact that i have met a new girl. I’m not insinuating as if i was dating around before this girl, no, God no. That's what Neil does.

No, it’s the fact that this girl may be the reason why i stopped asking that question and my guess is, that she is the Primal cause of why i asked that question again after this long.

Now through the week that i have spent with Lorelai and the various emotions she has made me felt whether i like it or not. The moments i have spent with her whether it was by coincidence or whether it was because of just circumstances i cannot control.

And my answer is that I like her.

That’s it really. The question of what love is still eludes me, but the difference now is that i am slowly enriching myself to that answer. And maybe with the help of her, i can understand the question asked since time immemorial. Well, maybe, because the current situation I’m in is uh, well, overwhelming.

“Malik, stop moving so much. I’m sleeping here.”

“Yes Lorelai.”

“Hmm good.”

The sight of Lorelai leaning against my shoulder with her pretty little head was indeed overwhelming to me. I mean, i was never that conscious of the opposite sex until now. And i am very aware of the situation I’m in. I clutch my chest where my heart is supposed to be and i could feel it racing as if it was driving in Formula 1.

I’m not used to these kinds of situations, Neil is and godamnit he is good with these situations. Not me. Hell no, not me. Just the feel of Lorelai's’ soft head and her hair beings scattered unto my shoulder. Her eyelids resting with her expression that seems to say she is enjoying it.

Sure i won’t lie, I’m also enjoying this moment. This moment with her that makes me just want to stop time. Live in our own little world where there is only us and no one else. But the problem is she’s making me way too nervous. I feel as if my heart is about to pop out of my chest.

She still had the same smile i see every time i look at her, every time i am with her, her smile to me is still the very best. I would’ve enjoyed this more in not for the fact that everyone and their mother is staring at us in the bus. Their gazes still haven’t left since the bus was running. One more reason why i am nervous being like this with her.

I could feel the stinging gazes of the surrounding people, and to make it worse, for some reason Bradley is also riding the bus today. What, did he not take his Lamborghini Aventador to school? Or his Harley? God damnit. Out of all the gazes directed to us, his cold eyes that seemed to resemble the arctic tundra itself and his beet-red face, as if a volcano is about to erupt. Not a good time.

I look at Lorelai's, sleepy yet i definitely know she’s not sleepy, face that she has. I would’ve believed her expression if not for the fact that she was grinning ear to ear and the occasional giggles i hear from her. Sigh.

“Lorelai, can you like, not do this in front of other people, i feel like this is really not a good time.”

Her droopy eyes opened and she looked at me with a lazy look, but she ignored and my pleas and continued sleeping on my shoulder. Though she did respond after a while.

“Moh Malik, quiet down will you, I’m trying to sleep here.”

“But we’re in public Lorelai.”

“And? They can fuck off. Who cares Malik, now lets just go back to sleep.”

“Sigh sure.”

I concede and just followed along. I leaned against her soft head and closed my eyes so that i may ignore the constant stares we were getting. In that moment of pure bliss, i felt the warm touch of her head against mine, the happy feeling i feel in my chest as i cherish this moment. A moment that i can never be tired of even in the years to come.

As i cuddle my head against Lorelai, i think about what led me to this situation. The various small but significant moments i have spent with Lorelai, and the eventual confession that afternoon. I could still remember like it was yesterday. Well… Because it was yesterday…

“I like you too.”

In my sight, after i confessed to her with complete honesty. She didn’t react. She just stood there. With a dazed and confused expression, a reaction i did not expect in a million years. Well, from the movies i watched, whenever this part comes, doesn’t the girl blush and have tears in her eyes as she’s about to cry? And also the couple kissing to seal the deal?

Okay, maybe the kiss is a little too much, but to my knowledge regrading movies and TV shows, they would at least hug and hold each other. Hmmmm okay, maybe my knowledge might be wrong.

I snap out my thoughts and look at her again, and yup she’s still standing there with a dazes expression. Huh, okay so what’s next?

The standoff continued between us for what seemed like eternity; the hallway was empty as the even was still ongoing, so there was only the two of us there. The complete silence of the hallway, mixed with the awkward tension between us, led to an almost picturesque image.

The dark-haired, blue-eyed girl standing there with a dazed expression and the boy who was also standing there but with a confused expression. What a sight that is.

I couldn’t stand the silence any longer so after a few minutes, i broke the reverberating silence.

“So um Lorelai? Are you there? I mean, are you okay?”

I stood there and looked at her with an awkward expression, as i didn’t know what to say or do, so i just did the best i could with the situation. But thankfully, Lorelai regained her composure, and with a blank expression, she lunged herself to me.

Fearing that she would fall, i caught her just as she was about to crash into the ground. In my arms, i looked at Lorelai, who was trying to snuggle her head into my chest. Normally i would be blushing, but there was another feeling pervading my mind.

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“Lorelai, are you crazy? You just presented to a huge crowd a few minutes ago and you’re here jumping around as if the ground is marshmallow?!”

I look at Lorelai with anger mixed into my eyes but she just ignored what i said and continued to bury her head into my chest. As i was about to tell her off again, i felt something wet in my chest.

“Wahhhhhh Malik! I thought you didn’t like me, boohoo.”

The sound of her crying reverberates throughout the corridor, with almost the people from inside the gym hearing it. I didn’t have the care to worry about other people hearing her cries. There are more important things to attend do.

“Whaa… Lorelai Are you okay? and Lorelai, how can you Say I didn’t like you? And please stop crying okay”

“Sniff.. Sniff… Malik… Whaaaaaaaaaa”

Panicking, i hug her closer to my chest so she would stop crying, but it seemed to be not working so now I’m panicking even more, what the hell do i do? After a few seconds of thinking, it came to me, yeah that would work.

I hug her closer to my heart and gently, and softly, stroke her messy hair from all the crying she was having, and after a while, it worked. She stopped crying but the moment i stop rubbing her head, she starts making sounds as if she was about to cry, so now all i could do was stroke her head to calm her down.

It went on for god knows how, yet in that silent hallway with only the two of us there, with the sound of her sniffling and me rubbing her head so that she would stop being sad. What i felt was peace… Something that my soul was screaming for and yet i unintentionally ignored its pleas, as i didn’t know what it meant, yet now, now i could somewhat understand it. Even for a little.

She stopped sniffling after a while but i continued stroking her head, and in doing so i felt that she fell asleep in my arms. As she snuggled closer and closer deep into my arms, i could feel her warmth in my chest. Yet i could also feel another thing besides her warmth. It was something else that i felt, something intangible, something emotion she was giving out.

“Lorelai, are you okay?” i said in a gentle tone.

I looked at her with a mix of worry and happiness, worried about what she was feeling and happy because… Because she was in my arms. I now understand what i feel about her even if it’s a little.

“Yes…” she replied, as she was getting comfortable in my arms.

“Good, so Lorelai, can we talk about this now? And what do you mean that you thought i didn’t like you?”

Lorelai didnt reply as she still didnt move her head that was buried in my chest. I waited for her answer since i didn’t want to cause a panic again. And she did in a moment. Still snuggled in my arms, she said.

“Yeah… Malik, even though we have spent quite of time together, you never really seemed to reciprocate what i felt. You were just a confusing person to like.”

“Wha… Hm alright then.”

Even though there were a million ways i can counter the argument, i did not as i didn’t want to upset her even more, i just pulled her deeper into my arms as a way of saying i understood.

By my guess, we were in that position for almost half an hour, quite a significant amount of time spent standing for that long, yet to me the moment it was over it only felt like a few seconds have passed. But eventually we let go, even though we both felt that it was too soon, it was best that we don’t act inappropriately as we were still in still ground, and the principal might catch us so we better not.

I gaze at Lorelai's blue eyes covered in tears with a hint of redness, obvious that she just cried. But what made the saddening image better was the smile on her face, the type of smile unique to Lorelai alone in my view was different this time. It was no longer the bright as sunshine smile she has, it’s now the same as the calm and peaceful winds blowing on the field of flowers.

“Look, why don’t we get something to drink to calm you down?”

Lorelai didn’t speak but just nodded and so, we made our way to the cafeteria where the personell was still there. Yet on the way, Lorelai clung close to me as she held my arm as if i was about to leave her any minute. That would never happen. I do want to point out that it was inappropriate as people might get the wrong idea about us but considering what we just did earlier, it might have already been too late for it.

Whatever.

With Lorelai in tow, i ordered us some water to calm her down and after paying for it, we sat down in a nearby tale, yet Lorelai still didn’t let my arm go so we sat down together.

“Uh Lorelai, can you let go now?”

“No…”

I concede as i didn’t want to upset her, so we just sat there in silence. Lorelai hugging my arm as she leaned against my shoulder while i sat there, not knowing what i should say or even do. After a while Lorelai broke the silence and said.

“So Malik, does this mean we’re boyfriend and girlfriend?”

Startled by her question, i thought about it more and compared it to the movies i saw. And yup, comparing my situation to it, it does mean that were are in a relationship. I might be wrong with my assumption, but doesn’t it mean that if one guy likes another girl, and the girl feels the same, then it means that they should be in a relationship? Welp sounds good to me.

“Yup, it seems so.”

“Malik, wake up, we’re already here.”

All of a sudden, i was startled out of my daydreaming, i already know it was when i heard their voices.

“Malik, as much as i like sleeping on your shoulder, we do need to go to school.”

“Hm yeah sure Lorelai.”

I get up and sling my bag to my shoulder as i made my out of the bus, but before i could continue, someone’s hand clasped mine and, surprised by this, i turn around and saw that Lorelai was the one who did it. I was about to tell her off as we were in public, but was has held back as she was in front of me out of the bus and into school, with me gliding through the wind as we ran together.

The sight of Lorelai running in front of me with a big smile on her face calmed me down and made me happy. The subtle warmth of her soft hands clasped with mine made me feel some type of way. It made me feel warmth.

And as were running, I could feel a gaze from behind my back and i already knew who it was. It was Bradley, as i could feel his shining glare to me. In a short while i could no longer feel it as by then, we were already in front of our room. As i was about to open the door so that we could go in, the door opened all of a sudden and in front me now, was a blonde kid grinning ear to ear as he saw me with Lorelai.

“MALIKKKK I DIDNT KNOW YOU AND LORELAI WERE DATING!”

Damn this person. I wish i could strangle the life out of him before he could say anything, but too late now. The various people in class turned to us as we filled their gazes with a mix of shock, anger and even sadness in some people, though i dont know why.

We walk into the room with our hands held with each other. Every step we take i could feel the glares of the people in the room getting stronger, yet i could feel another emotion mixed within those complicated gazes. It was confusion.

Yeah, now this i could understand, how did Malik of all people in the damned planet have a relationship with Lorelai, I’m sure that they would still be amazed if they found out i was somehow friends with her. Welp fuck them.

I Let go of Lorelai’s hand as i went to Ace siting by the window, and Neil beside him as he had an annoying grin on his face.

“Neil, i won’t forget this, you know that?”

“Sure buddy of course of course, in fact it’s all worth it.”

I stared at him with a blank face as i just nodded, i turn to ace and did the same, but i nodded with friendliness, not as if I’m nodding to an enemy. Neil didn’t seem fazed by my reaction as he put his arm around me and said.

“Oh, come on now Malik, don’t be like that, i was just teasing you.”

I didn’t even look at him as i just stood there and looked out the window, yet Neil kept bothering me saying that it was just a joke and that i didn’t have to be that upset about it. Well, I’m not lying if i said that i don’t really care, its Neil being Neil, I’m used to it, but it doesn’t mean i won’t forget this.

With my back turned against Neil, i heard him stop talking as a subtle silence filled the air. Thinking that he finally stopped annoying me, i continue to admire the scenery outside, when i felt a gentle tug at my shirt.

Surprised, i look to see who it was, and it was none other than Lorelai. Lorelai no longer had that smile on her face and what replaced it was the expression likened to a lost puppy. Confused, i ask.

“Lorelai, are you okay?”

Lorelai nodded, but she still didn’t let go of my shirt she was tugging at, now even more confused i still don’t know what she wants. I thought about it a bit more and this situation resembles that of how Lorelai acted yesterday.

So i stretched my arm out and rubbed her head against my hand, and even though she liked it as her expression was lightening, she still didn’t let go of my shirt. Okay, now I’m even more confused. If a head rub isn’t enough to make her happy, then what is?

While i was in thought, Lorelai seemed to have had enough and she pulled my arm to clasp her hand, and in doing so, her sad expression was no longer there as she smiled again as if nothing happened. Huh, so that’s what it was.

But the stinging glare of the people in the room intensified, but i ignored it.

So this is my life now… Well whatever, as long as it’s with Lorelai, i don’t care that much.