Public speaking is a pain.

I never liked presenting something in public, whether it be a presentation about a certain topic for class or speaking in public in general, it’s such an annoyance. But why do i hate it? Well, it can also be connected to people hating on something for some reason.

Someone hates playing basketball because they said that it is a pointless endeavor or pointless in general. It doesn’t help you with any real life skill to make money or a useful skill to have in life. Indeed, from another point of view, it is a logical statement, but there is another reason why people hate doing certain things.

And that is, they suck at it.

The man or woman who hates, the ones who HATE it, not just have an inherent dislike of it but HATE it, there’s a difference but I will explain it the difference next time. So for now, let us focus on why people might hate doing certain things.

One good reason for why they hate is that, I repeat, they suck at it. It’s a simple reason really. Like why would you do something that is meant to be fun but you just suck at it, while at the same time looking bad to your friends who you are playing with? It’s not a good feeling.

There is no positive feedback loop for our ego to feed on and people are then wanting to not do it and instead to the things that may make them feel comfortable, stick to the things they are good at. Why?

Because the thing they are good at has a positive feedback loop where we can feed off of. When we do those certain things we are good at, thing happen like looking good in front of your friends, having the satisfaction that you excel at something and is thus fueling your confidence. Everybody likes being confident.

Yeah, you could make a case that focusing on your strengths can give you a good life and yeah, there are instances where people became successful because of their strengths.

Yet it can also be the factor that limits your growth as a person. As the greatest swordsman to possibly exist on earth said in his book, The Book of Five Rings. And I’m paraphrasing here.

‘If you wish to master a specific art in life, then one must also study the other ways of the different art styles. If you wish to master the sword, then you must also learn how to use spears, how to handle knives and how to forge shields.

Musashi became the greatest swordsman in his era and possibly in history, by studying the various arts life has to offer, and the arts he studied, including swordsmanship, are Buddhism, Artistry, calligraphy, Architecture, and Sculpting.

By studying the various ways of different art styles, he led a spectacular life as a swordsman but also a widely known historical figure to this day. Anyway I’m getting off track.

I hate presenting, not because I’m bad at it, no it’s the opposite. Not to sound arrogant, but i am the best at it. No. The reason I hate it is that I have to stand in public, i hate it. And now i am forced into a situation where I have to present something to the whole school, and to make it even worse, I’m doing it with Lorelai.

“Malikkkkkk, are you okay? You’re staring off into space again.”

Snapping out of my thoughts, i saw that lorelai had the same smile she always had, but her eyes were looking at me with a bit of worry. I shrug off my thoughts and instead focus on preparing for the presentation.

“Ah yeah, I’m fine Lorelai, i was just thinking about something is all.”

“You sure, because they we’re presenting in about an Hour, i don’t want you to faint on stage when it’s our turn.”

“Alright relax, I’m not that weak.”

“Well, okay then, suit yourself.”

Lorelai then left and continued setting up our booth, yet when she left there was a tone of anger i heard on her voice. I must be mistaken. I survey my current surroundings and saw that there were various students also preparing their booths.

One of the classes were preparing the typical Volcano model, I forgot what it was called, I’m not that into science. Another class was preparing a model of the solar system and the unique aspect of this one was that it moves and rotates around the sun. How the hell did they make that?

The sound of shouting and scurrying foot septs, along with the various materials needed to make their booth, filled the gymnasium. Everywhere i look, i could see students making their science booth, pointing and moving where certain pieces should be.

Our class was also doing the same thing and to my not surprised reaction, everyone was pitching in. They may not like me in class, but it by no means shows that there was no class solidarity, everyone works together in achieving certain goals. Even me pitching in wasn’t deemed as unacceptable by the guys, so i guess days like this were fun.

“Yo, Malik, can you help me to carry these boxes? Ace is busy helping other people so you’re the only one i can ask.” asked Neil.

“Sure dude.”

I follow Neil back to our classroom filled with all sorts of material needed to make our presentation, and wow, it was a lot. All sorts of things were scattered across the floor while a pile of boxes were stuffed away in a certain corner. I look at Neil and signal for us to get started.

After 10 minutes of constant packing and sorting of the various materials, we got ready to carry them towards our booth in the gymnasium. We were walking towards the path leading to it when i remembered that i forgot to pick up some stuff from class. When i was riding the bus with Lorelai, listening to music with her on the way to school, i remembered that i borrowed a book from her.

I just finished reading it last night, and it was pretty good in my opinion, i quite enjoyed it. I turn to Neil and said.

“Dude, i forgot something from class. Lemme go get it first.”

“Bruh seriously? Sigh fine but hurry up, this shit is heavy, my guy.”

“Yeah yeah.”

I dropped the box i was holding and jogged back to class. It was pretty far as me and Neil walked pretty far from class. I open the door and go to my desk with my bag sitting on my chair. I open it and rummage the inside of it for a bit, then i felt something in my bag and saw that it was Lorelais Book.

‘Cool’ i thought.

I pick it up and look at the cover. ‘The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood’. Now the reason why i borrowed it is that i saw Lorelai reading it on the bus. We talked for a bit about it and she told me it was a book about romance, curious about the book i asked to borrow her. There was another reason why i borrowed it was because i was interested in the writing styles of romance books and i always wanted to find out how people write it, and this happened to be a good opportunity.

After i asked to borrow it, she was stunned at why I borrowed it and told her why, after i told her she was in deep thought for a while until she agreed to lend it to me. And now I’m here.

Gazing at the book for a while, i remember the writing style of it as well as the various characters in it, and it was indeed a very good book. Awaking myself from my thoughts, i hurriedly go back to Neil to continue carrying some boxes.

I got out of the door and surprisingly, i saw Lorelai at the end of the hallway, blocking the stairs leading back to Neil. I wonder when she got there, nevertheless i walk up to her as now seems like a good opportunity to bring back the book. But as i walk closer, i can see another person with her, i didn’t see him at first as he was more off to the side of the hallway but if i remember correctly, he was Sam Bailey.

Captain of the Judo club and he was damn good at what he does. I heard he won a few competitions for the school, and if there was anyone who can compete with Bradley in terms of success it was him. He had short black hair and blue eyes, and his facial features were enough to make him a model.

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His clean and non disfigured face speaks volume about his skills in judo. And the difference between him and Bradley is that he is one of the nicest person in school. An example of that is that he treats me quite good compared to other people in school, and is actually is an all around good guy. He doesn't seem to be acting like Bradley as i could feel that he was a genuine good guy. My instincts have never been wrong so far.

I could see that he was smiling while talking to Lorelai, and Lorelai, the person who would indeed smile in front of other guys but is actually fake, is smiling like she was glad that she was talking to Sam. It was clear in my eyes that her smile was not fake and is very much real, and enjoying his conversation with Sam as she’s even laughing at times.

Strange. The feeling in my chest whenever i talk to Lorelai feels different, like someone stabbed me in the heart and am in pain of it. I feel a certain void at the center of my being, like something was taken from me. This feels different.

Nonetheless i have to return the book, ill take care of this feeling later but for now returning the book must come first. I move my feet and walk up to Lorelai, yet every step i take towards her felt heavy, as if weights are chained unto my feet, preventing me from walking properly.

I walk to them but in a slow and gradual pace, yet every time i take a step my head goes blank. The image of her smiling while laughing with someone else makes me feel a certain way as i got closer to them. What is this?

Eventually i got to where they were and now does both of them realize my presence. I make eye contact with Lorelai's pearly blue eyes and yet it does not alleviate the pain i feel. I don’t even know what my facial expression exactly is but what i do feel is that it’s blank.

“Lorelai, here the book i borrowed, i just wanna return it to you.”

I pull my book and hand it to her, only looking at her and not Sam. I hear some muffling of voices near me as it seems that Sam was greeting, i didn’t hear it as my surroundings feel blurry.

“Um uh Yeah thanks Malik.”

Lorelai said with a tone i can’t quite understand. Lorelai no longer had a smile on her face as she looked me at me like something was wrong, but i didn’t notice it as i said.

“Okay then, see you later, Lorelai.”

I said my goodbyes and make my way back to Neil, yet my footsteps were no longer slow but even quickening. I don’t know why.

“Wait, Malik Wait!”

I heard voices from behind me yet its precise words were filtered off in my mind as all i could hear was buzz and felt blurriness. I walk faster and faster away from Lorelai and Sam until i notice Neil in the distance.

Walking up to Neil, i ignore his puzzled face and pick up the boxes, and carry them into the Gymnasium. As we were walking, Neil asked my questions about why i left.

“So, Malik, you got what you came for?”

“Hm yeah, pretty much.”

“So what was it, anyway?”

“A book.”

Afterwards was an awkward silence between us, with only the sound of our footsteps echoing within the hallways and students passing us left and right, rushing to prepare. I could see Neil at the corner of my eyes had a distorted expression in his face, yet i ignore it.

“Dude, what’s wrong? You don’t feel right for some reason.”

What’s wrong? I would also like to know the answer to that question. I think back to my previous encounter with Lorelai. The scene of her genuine smile and her joyful laughter were imprinted in my mind, as she talked with Sam. I had a hunch that i was feeling this way because of it, yet i have no reason to feel that way.

Lorelai was merely talking with someone else and it does not warrant this kind of feeling, a kind of feeling i cannot understand nor explain in words. It is a similar feeling whenever i talk to lorelai, but this is different, this feels different somehow.

“DUDE! Wake up, you’re staring off into space again.”

Snapping out of my daze, i realize that i was with Neil and he asked me a question.

“Uh, what did you just say?”

“I knew it. Something is wrong with you.”

“Its nothing Neil. Today just feels different, that all.”

“Huh sure dude.”

Niels constantly staring at me and his insistent pestering about what was wrong with me is getting annoying. But it would soon end as we have just arrived at our booth, getting ready to prepare our own presentation. I look around and Lorelai was still out of sight. She still seemed to be talking with Sam.

I drop my box in one of the tables prepared for us and make my way towards a chair, resting for a bit since those boxes were quiet heavy. Neil sat next to me as i gaze around the various students’ preparations. The buzzing atmosphere filled the gymnasium mixed with laughter and shouting.

I felt the intense gaze of Neil by my side but i ignore it, and instead thought about my recent encounter with Lorelai. Why was she with him? That question kept provoking my mind and is hell-bent on finding answers in a place which has none. Because i don’t know why.

Every time i focus on something else, whether it be preparing for my presentation or just staring at the vast amounts of students running around the place, all i can think about is Lorelai being with Sam. I do not know why.

“Malik, are you okay, dude? You’re really off today, bro.”

Neil asked me in a playful tone, yet i could tell he had a hint of worry in his eyes, i think about his question for a while and answered.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired is all.”

Yeah, maybe that’s the reason why i fell down right now, it could just be that i am tired. And the constant image of Lorelai with Sam that keeps popping up in my head might have been nothing. I mean, it’s weird for me to even think about it, because i have no reason to.

Neil kept staring at me until he relented after a few minutes and said his farewell.

“Fine dude, tell me if something is wrong, maybe i can help but anyway dude, i need to help out the class, see ya.”

“Sure dude, good luck.”

We wave goodbye at each other and yet i could still see the worry in Neil’s eyes. His worry is unfounded as I’m really fine, except for me being oddly down, there’s nothing really wrong. I’m tired because of the constant working. Yes, that must be it.

I force myself to think about something else as the image of Lorelai keeps showing up in my head. I look back towards my class’s booth and saw that we were about to start making it. There was still an hour left until the start of the event and were honestly cutting it close, i mean our booth is by no means simple.

The booth we prepared was an electrical plane that could fly and is energized by the batteries we bought somewhere, connecting various wires and all the things needed to fly the plane. I’m not exactly the science type so i have no idea how they would even make it, we made or more like they made the prior preparations on how they were going to make it.

Meanwhile, i was twiddling my thumbs nodding my head as they talked about it, i didn’t understand shit about it and it’s another reason why I’m not helping, because one wrong move and our presentation could blow up in our face, literally.

There i could see Neil helping out with making the electronic plane. Now heres the thing about Neil, is that despite him being a fucking playboy, he is by no means a dumbass. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

Neil is many things, a playboy, a smartass, and a guy who just cannot shut up about things. But the endearing quality i found about him through the years iv been friends with him, is that he is a good friend who cares about the surrounding people, even the girls he hangs out with.

Add to that is he is extremely intelligent, one of the reasons why i like the guy. I don't know where he learnt it from, but he is a damn excellent engineer. He is the guy in class who is at the top when it comes to anything math related, the field where i got beat by Neil, and it slightly annoys me not gonna lie.

And so, now has directing the class on how to make the damn thing, and I’m glad he left me out of it, though the way he said that i shouldn’t get involved making it kind of pissed me off, but whatever, it’s life.

Oh i almost forgot where’s ace? I scan the space our class occupies and notice that Ace wasn’t here, i stand up intending to look for Ace in the gymnasium. I make my way in the busy crowd of students with constant vigilance looking for him.

As i was walking around looking for Ace, in the distance i saw a pair of familiar figures and for some reason my instincts were telling me to back away and go back. Nevertheless, i didn’t listen and keep walking towards the pair.

Looking closer, I know why it their figures were familiar. They had their backs turned to me when i look at them but now as they faced me, i recognize their faces. And who could it be except Lorelai and Sam.

I halt in my tracks as i saw both of them, and the cheerful atmosphere of the pair almost seemed to be mixing with each other, like it was a perfect match. I could feel that my heart almost stopped beating and yet when i put my hand in my chest, it was indeed still beating.

Feeling as if something rooted my legs into the ground, i force myself to move as i wanted to go in another direction, any other direction, as long as Lorelai wasn’t there. I don’t know why I’m feeling this but it’s best to follow my instincts.

I turn my back to them as i willed my legs to move in the direction i want to move it, yet it seems my will wasn’t enough as i heard a familiar voice at my back.

“Malik! Wait up!.”

I heard her voice, her voice i know that i could never be wrong to guess who it was, her voice which i always hear whenever i ride the bus, her soft voice which gave me peace in any other time was now giving me a different feeling, a feeling I could not explain nor understand.

I keep walking, i ignore the voice at the back of my head, thinking that maybe it’s a different person, and maybe they were calling to a different Malik in school, nevertheless i keep walking in a fast pace, and in another moment i was running.

Who i was running from or what, i do not know.