"If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer"

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Since the next day was a Saturday that meant no classes. Which meant castle exploration time. Which meant phase one of my master plan.

"All we have to do is set off these dung bombs, then let Filch chase us through the castle." Fred said

"Yeah keep him busy as long as you can."

"And you'll pay us a galleon for that." George asked. I nodded my head.

Apparently no one ever realized the loophole that house elves could apparate inside Hogwarts meant personal house elves could as well. Since they could be called upon anywhere they could be used to bring contraband into the castle. Like the dungbombs Fred and George were holding.

"How the hell did you get these in anyway? Ours were taken from our trunks somehow."

"It's when the elves bring them from the train. They probably search them."

They paled at that. That was a little strange thinking about a little green elf pilfering through your undergarments.

"Hey. You didn't answer the question."

I smirked "I know."

I heard a distinct 'Slytherin' under a fake cough. I just continued smirking.

"Do we have a deal?"

So I now have a map that shows where literally everyone in the castle is at all times. All it took was a few galleons for the dungbombs, a pair of redheads, a helpful Claw prefect that gave great directions to our delightful caretaker's office, and a pissed off Filch.

I figure the twins will be brilliant even without the Marauder's Map and it's crucial to virtually all my plans. Now onto phase two.

I stood in front of a door. By all outward appearances it was a simple door but what lay beyond it was the single most overpowered room in all of existence.

"Welcome to the Room of Requirement." A synthesized voice said over an intercom.

My smile was so wide it threatened to split my face.

I was standing in a house with modern architecture looking out at a garden with a large swimming pool. I had visualized wanting a modern smart house complete with a pool and poof I got one. It didn't work on electricity and computers but magic and who the hell knows what enchantments.

I rushed to the place I was most excited for, the library. What I really wanted was a library with books with a few choice spells and subjects. I later discovered that any of the books that were owned by Hogwarts went back to the Hogwarts library courtesy of the House Elves.

Only the books owned by students/faculty that ended up in the room of lost things could be retrieved by the ROR. There were however plenty of books lost by students and faculty over the last thousand years.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

Including on the spell that was critical to phase three.

I picked the book Disillusionment Charm: Be that of Air by Freda Frucklery off the shelf. And then proceed to read it by sitting in the easy chair next to it.

"Wow" I exclaimed as the chair was the single most comfy chair I have ever sat on.

"I love this room." I said laughing.

"It's time for dinner." The Smart House said.

I stopped trying in vain with that announcement. I had tried the spell at least a hundred times and nothing. Not even a little paler. I wouldn't be deterred, I couldn't stop until I mastered the spell.

I went down to the great hall which displayed a scene that meant that apparently a thunderstorm was brewing outside.

"You didn't say anything about getting detention. We probably set some kind of record. On the first day and already detained." One of the twins said as they rushed up to me. I don't know which is which, at this point I'm guessing.

"Well it's the 2nd day technically" That didn't seem to appease them "Occupational hazard I'm afraid, next time don't get caught. Tell you what I'll up it to a galleon each to compensate you for your loss." I said smiling and handing them each a galleon.

They just gulped, grabbed them and scurried off.

After dinner I returned to my room and promptly passed out on the bed. It had been a long productive day.

XXXX

The next week flew by. The classes were pretty much just longer and more boring versions of what was in the books and movies. It amazes me at how slow the pace was. I mean I was getting the spell in minutes and they spent weeks teaching it over and over.

It did mean I had won more points for Ravenclaw then all the other first years put together. Honestly I didn't get it, was I overestimating Ravenclaws. I hadn't been impressed.

I decided to get started on the next project, Occlumency. The book I had found on the mind arts made me worried. It seemed like the approach Snape took with Harry is the only way you're going to learn it in under 10 years. It was in essence like exposing someone to a virus. If they survive they are immune.

Alternatively you can devote years to what amounts to meditation but I don't have the luxury of patience. My mind is literally an open book and that Book tells the future of this entire world. I had to get it on lock down quick.

I did find a book from the 17th century that had an alchemical elixir recipe called Sharp Mind. It was supposed to give that one better control over one's mind. The effects were described as something that sounds a lot like eidetic memory. With the bonus being you could control what memories a legilimens would see. Effectively you could send them to one of your worst memories while at the same time locking those said memories away from you.

The problem. Three of the ingredients were ridiculously expensive and two were illegal. Not to mention it would be ridiculously hard to make. It would cost a fortune to get it right then I would have to test it and Cedric's allowance wasn't going to cut it on the funding.

"Bernard"

"Yes Master Cedric"

I took a sip of tea. I actually found that now that I'm British I actually like the stuff. Weird. "How is the sale of the stuff from the room of lost things going?"

Ah the ROR the gift that keeps on giving.

"You have accumulated a little over 5708 galleons from the sale so far sir." I spat out my tea at that ridiculous figure.

"Did you say over 5000?"

"5708 sir. I can give you exact figures if you would like sir."

"No that's fine. With that you can go ahead and buy the ingredients I need right?"

"Already bought them sir." He said putting the bag at my feet.

"Even a Giant's toe?" I was shocked. That was one of the illegal ones.

"Yes sir" He said smiling

"Bernard…." I said as I was looking at a mutilated Giants toe.

"Yes sir"

"I love you"

"...I don't know what to say sir." He said confused

"Nothing just I don't know, take the rest of the day off. You've earned it."

"Thank you, sir but I think your parents might notice if I did sir."

"Ah"

I forgot about that. I had convinced Bernard to go along with all my schemes without telling my folks. I think he really likes that I don't treat him like an object so he went along. I guess he still had to clean the house and the like for them.

"Sorry I forgot. Hum. How about I give you a percentage of the money as a reward"

"What would I do with it sir?" He said looking utterly confused.

"I don't know, isn't there anything you would like to buy?

He thought about it for a few moments that stretched into almost a minute.

"I do have something I want."

"Go on. What is it?"

"A new sack." He said seriously.

I fell out of my chair.