Jen and I were dating now. So, as part of this new… thing, she and I were hanging out in my room. We probably should have been making out again, something I’d come to love doing. Maybe going out on a date. But at heart, we were nerds. So instead, we were talking about something a little less exciting. Well, for most people.
“Okay, so the way things have been looking, a lot of states are trying to pass bills attacking superhumans in one way or another,” Jen passed me some files, which I opened up. She walked up to my kitchen drawers and pulled a pair of bowls out as I flipped through the papers. “I’m working with Matt to make sure people are informed about how to fight back against those laws. You know, letting everyone know their constitutional rights.”
“How’s that been going?” I asked, accepting a bowl from her.
“It’s been a lot of research, to be honest,” Jen sighed. “We have BRIDGE helping, but I’m trying to keep myself in the loop. Doesn’t help that I’ve been getting a lot of weird clients since we went public.”
I looked up at her. “Weird like you and me?”
“Weird like offers from guys wanting to buy locks of my hair,” Jen poured some Captain America Patriot Flakes into a bowl. I could practically smell the sugar even three feet away. “And those are the tame ones.”
“You should sell it,” I said with a wide grin, putting down the files to grab milk from the fridge. “I mean, if they’re offering enough, you could make some mad money off of it.”
“Didn’t you get mad when someone tried to buy the Omnitrix off of you?” Jen asked, watching as I poured milk for her.
“He offered a million for it. The Omnitrix is worth more than solar systems, and that’s a cheap price. A lock of your hair has to be worth maybe half that.”
“I can’t tell if you're flirting with me, or insulting me,” Jen said with a smirk.
“Can’t I do both?” she took a milk-soaked flake of cereal from her bowl and tossed it at me. It bounced off my chest as I grinned. Then I scowled. “But seriously. If you want, I can track any creeps down, give you somewhere to punch?”
She smiled. “No, it’s fine. I’ve dealt with these guys before.”
“Before your powers?”
“...yeah,” she started eating. Her hesitance drew my gaze.
I watched her. She was wearing a black tank top and a pair of black leather pants. Her skin was still that emerald color I’d gotten used to, her hair reaching down to the middle of her back. She was eating her cereal with unusual aggressiveness. Impulsively, I decided to push.
“Jen… how come you never try to change back?” she stopped eating. “I mean, ever since we met, you’ve always been-”
“Insanely gorgeous?” she teased. There was no real humor in it though.
“Hulked-out,” I continued. She straightened up, staring at me with a neutral look in her eyes. “I mean, it’s not like you always have to fight, but you’ve been-”
“Does it matter?” Jen cut me off. “I like being this way. Why should I have to change back?”
“I’m not saying you have to-”
“Then why even bring it up?” her eyes were getting greener. “Maybe this is the real me. Why shouldn’t I be this way?”
“Jen, I just wanted to-”
“To what?” she glared at me. “You feeling a little emasculated? Maybe you want to reassure yourself by seeing me at my weakest?” her fingers had curled into fists, the sounds of her knuckles cracking sounding like gunshots.
I watched her fists clench up. I tried to think of what to do or say. My mind was racing as I stared at her. I’d known that bringing this up would piss her off. In the comics, when she was first trapped in She-Hulk form, her response had been delight. She loved being She-Hulk. And who could blame her? Having superpowers was… I felt that everyday. Going from a weak human form to being stronger, smarter, or more everything than any person could ever be.
But Jennifer was important to, right? Wasn’t that important to a person, loving all the parts of yourself?
Instead of responding, I reached for my cereal and put a spoonful of cereal in my mouth. I chewed it, swallowed, then spoke. By the time I’d begun to talk, I felt like I regained a bit of composure. “Jen. What’s wrong?”
She stared at me. Then she looked down at her hands, still clenched into fists. When she opened her fist, my marble counter now had two large cracks where she’d been pressing down.
“Think you can pay to fix that?” I asked idly.
“Shit,” Jen winced. She traced a crack with her right index finger. “Mahmoud, I-”
“Jen, I like you, so I’m going to be honest here,” I pushed my cereal aside. “If me asking why you haven’t tried to turn into your human form is making you feel this way, that might not be the most healthy reaction. For the sake of my countertop at least.”
She looked up at me smiling a little bit now. “I guess I really should talk to a therapist.”
“Group counseling, remember,” I said sadly. “I’m pretty sure we all have some problems.”
“...I don’t want to be weak again,” Jen shook her head. “Everything is so easy now. It’s not just the super strength, I mean-”
“You’re more confident,” I finished for her. “You can take on the world now. And thinking of going back to normal again, losing all that confidence,” I walked around the counter to stand next to her. “I feel that way every time the Omnitrix starts to go red.”
I tried to feel confident about what I was doing as I slowly reached out to stand behind her. I clutched her hands in my own. She squeezed gently on my fingers. “It’s not perfect. But I do get feeling like you can finally do everything you ever wanted to, and knowing at any moment it could all go away.”
Her hair was in my eyes. I leaned around it to look at her face. She looked thoughtful, which made me feel like maybe I was saying the right stuff. “But I like being me, nowadays. Being human is actually pretty good… I mean, you seem to like me well enough.”
She smirked. “Nah, I’m just into you for your money and magic watch.”
“And I’m only dating you for your law degree,” I took the risk and tried hugging her close. She was warmer than normal humans were. I didn’t mind that. “I mean, I’m a dangerous vigilante, who knows when I need a good lawyer to represent me?”
She chuckled. “Dangerous huh? Maybe I should hold off on letting my dad meet you. He’s a cop after all,” she turned around in my arms and smirked down at me. Her smirk faded a bit, her forehead dropping to meet mine as her eyes closed. “I don’t want to change back. Not yet.”
“Okay,” we stood a moment longer. “I’m not great at this stuff, but I want you to know that I really like you as you are. I don’t want you to think otherwise.”
“You gigantic softie,” she chuckled. “You know, we’re supposed to be enjoying cereal.”
“If you don’t want to hug, you know you can tell me.”
“Nah. I’m good.”
------
That was a very good way to start off the morning. I left my room with her a little after.
“I’m going to wait for my dad, he should be here soon. He uh, probably saw me on the news a few times,” Jen said as we strolled through the halls. I was proud to say I kept any giggling at the fact she was holding my hand entirely internal. Granted, it was a little awkward, since she was a foot taller than me, but still good.
“Is Bruce going too?” I asked.
“Of course. Been awhile since he got to see him,” she frowned. “My dad kinda threatened to kick his dad's ass… While holding him in an armbar.”
“Knowing Bruce’s dad?” I thought of… David? No. Brian. Brian Banner. He wasn’t the worst dad in comics. But he was still a monster. “I really should throw your dad a party,” I said with a slow smile, satisfaction filling me at the thought of that weak-willed bully getting armbarred.
“If you do, invite Sammy and Lauren,” Jen said. “They were sweet.”
“I’ll let him know you think so later,” I joked.
“You’re seeing him today?”
“Yeah, I’m hiring some of my old construction buddies for a job,” I explained, the two of us turning a corner to come to a junction. One side would lead to the hanger bay, while the other headed to the recreation room. “I mean, first I have to check to make sure I’m not stepping on any legal toes. You know, the permits, the deed, all the boring law-” the lawyer I had just started getting close to gave me a look. “I mean, extremely exciting, law stuff.”
“Nice save,” she said with a smirk. “You need any help?”
“Nah, Tony is technically buying this on my behalf, even though my names on the paperwork, so he has a bunch of his guys overlooking the paperwork. So Pepper and I are gonna go out to the site, figure out what we need to do first. Should be fun.”
She nodded. “All right. Just, don’t end up fighting another monster without me, okay?”
“What does it say about our lives that I can actually see that happening?” I asked rhetorically.
Jen chuckled, leaning down to give me a kiss on the cheek. “It means you’re still sane. Call me when you’re done, okay?”
I nodded, a dopey grin on my face. Like I said. A damn good morning.
------
A while later, I was in a car being driven through New York. Since it was New York City, we were currently stuck in traffic, which gave my fellow passenger plenty of time to give me every detail of the paperwork I had to sign.
Every. Detail.
“Okay, so take a look at this,” Pepper showed me another piece of paper. “This is a permit for construction. Well, it’s more complex than that, but I figure you don’t really want to get into it too much.”
I blinked, feeling a bit offended. “I mean, I don’t mind reading it…”
Pepper gave me an odd look. “Really? I’m not trying to insult your intelligence, but there is a lot of technical parts to these documents. If your worried about getting scammed-”
“Well, not really. I mean, I trust you. Plus, X is kind of awesome at reading paperwork if I need him too, and I have Matt, Foggy, and Jen if I need legal help.”
Pepper smirked at that. “Well, at least you know how to use what you have,” she leaned forward toward the driver. “Excuse me? How much longer until we get there?”
“Should be about fifteen minutes, ma’am,” the non-descript man said.
She nodded in satisfaction. “Okay.”
“Plenty of time to get to know each other,” I said to Pepper. “I mean, since I made your Rescue Armor, we haven’t really interacted much.”
Pepper looked over at me, the thin redhead looking a bit surprised. “That’s true, I suppose. But we never really have a reason to beyond business.”
She had a point. Pepper and I weren’t exactly the sorts to share interests. She’d always struck me as extremely business-orientated. Granted, she had a hell of a snarky attitude sometimes. But we weren’t exactly able to resonate with each other.
“I mean, we might as well give it a shot?” I asked. “Like uh, what sort of things are you into? I’m a giant nerd, personally.”
“Um, I like art?” she said hesitantly. “And some music,” she seemed very unsure of herself, twiddling her fingers slightly. “I’m allergic to strawberries.”
“Sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?” I had to ask, because I felt like she was feeling awkward now.
“No, no, I just… I’m worried about a few things,” she said slowly. “I mean, Tony was supposed to come along, but he said something about getting a bear drunk? And I’m not sure how serious he is about that.”
I thought of Mikhail and decided not to tell Pepper anything.
“And I’ve also been looking into some of the laws on vigilante justice in New York,” she said quickly. “Trying to see what rules there are against it. Lately some people have been accusing you, Tony, Jen, any of the Avengers who have been stopping crime on the street, of breaking the law. Since I’ve gone with you guys a couple of times, I might be an accomplice, and I need to figure out what that means!” the last was said in a near panicky tone. “So far, it looks like it’s just a few neigh-sayers, especially since Rio boosting the superhuman communities reputation, but a lot of people have been turning more and more anti-enhanced. People are saying that having superhumans arrest people without being official law enforcement is-”
“Wait,” I frowned. “You think I might be arrested? Didn’t BRIDGE-”
“Any deal BRIDGE made doesn’t cover activities outside of official operations,” Pepper cut me off.
I thought about that. People trying to arrest me for stopping muggers and robbers in New York.
There was a moment in the movie the ‘Dark Knight’ where Batman ends up meeting some vigilantes who’d mimicked his style. He arrested them, and one of them asked what the difference was between Batman and him.
I was kinda in the same boat. Why should I be allowed to run around fighting crime without a badge while others couldn’t? I had the advantage of the Omnitrix, but people wouldn’t care about that. In the end, it was one tiny thing that a lot of people would hate me for.
Come to think of it, I hadn’t really made any sort of real social media account when I got dropped into this universe. Maybe I should look into that, see if it could help me find out what people hated me for this week?
Pepper was still speaking, covering the numerous things that could affect a vigilante. I sighed. “Mrs. Potts, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about this whole thing.”
She stopped mid-sentence, giving me an irritated look. “Mahmoud, I’m just trying to keep us all out of prison.”
“We’ll be fine,” I said with a smile. “I’m not trying to be… what’s the word?”
“Lackadaisical?”
“Gesundheit.”
The look she gave me was positively scathing.
“But yeah, that. I’m just saying, I can’t think of anything people legit can go after us for. We haven’t been beating up anyone who doesn’t deserve it, I always made sure to repair any damage I did, and no one innocent has been hurt. From here on out, we’ll do things above board, but we should be fine.”
“Thank you,” she said sarcastically. “But I’m going to keep preparing for the day hopes and dreams aren’t enough to protect us from a lawsuit.”
Traffic cleared up about then, letting the driver move forward. We sat in silence for a bit.
“...I feel like you’re worried about something else.”
Pepper was quiet for a moment longer. Finally, she sighed and looked over at me, meeting my eyes. “I’ve been thinking about going on patrol too. About… helping people. Not a lot, but it won’t leave me alone.”
“Dude, that’s awesome!” I said excitedly.
“Not if I can’t do it legally,” she huffed. “I might have to join BRIDGE in some capacity, or the Avengers,” I held in a squeal. “But I’m not sure I want to do that. Not to just go around firing ICER’s into muggers. It seems like such a petty reason. I still want to help people. Seeing you and Tony do it made me realise how much good I can do. I mean, I’ve seen our charities and fundraisers do a lot of large scale assistance. And it’s great! But there’s also the help I can give on the small scale. Keeping people safe in person.”
“...Then do it,” I said, keeping my eyes on hers. “It’s not petty to find some niche in BRIDGE or the Avengers so you can help with small-time crime. It’s just you taking the easiest avenue so you can do the most amount of work. I mean, It’s not like we’re going to get offended or something if you join up just so that you can legally fight crime in New York.”
I kept the fact that I didn’t actually know the legal rules to what I could and couldn’t do as an Avenger to myself. If I knew Pepper, she was going to study the hell out of them anyway.
She did look thoughtful at least. I decided to clarify things further. “Here’s the only thing I need to explain,” she turned to look at me. “Helping people is… well, it’s awesome. But it can also suck. You’ll end up seeing things that will change you. Meeting monsters. Not the fun kind. People that are willing to do horrific things.”
Pepper didn’t speak, but she also didn’t stop watching me.
“When I was first patrolling… I ended up running into some things that I didn’t want to. One of which was… I mean, a lot of times, muggers prefer not to get in a fight. They just want the money, then they run for it. Usually, when I stopped guys like that, it was an afterthought. Same with robberies of stores. But there were two times where someone was planning to-” I choked on my words. Swallowed.
“Mahmoud, if you don’t want to-” Pepper began to say.
“No, this uh… this is important,” I swallowed again. “Once, I found some homophobic frat boys trying to mess with two gay men. I got there a little after the fight started. I managed to protect them. The second time-” I swallowed again. After a shaky breath, I forced “I uh, was in Wildmutt form. I was running past one of the big motels. And I heard a woman screaming. The walls must have been soundproofed or something, because I think I was the only one who heard her. When I came into the room, well, when I smashed my way in… Later she said they’d been at it for hours. I lost myself. All three of the men ended up in the hospital. The woman I saved is doing fine now. She… she handled it better than I did. I never really told anyone about this,” I said the last quickly. “But if you get into this… Rio and it’s monsters are the least of the issues you’ll face. Regular people doing horrific things to each other. Those are the ones who’ve stuck with me.”
“...Tony hasn’t told you about it, but I’ve gone through a few things over the years,” Pepper said. As she spoke, her eyes narrowed, her face firm. “I’m not saying I’ve seen anything as bad as what you saw or had to do. But ever since Tony first put on the suit, I’ve been right there with him… This feels like it would just be the next step.”
The car stopped. “Ma’am, sir? We’ve arrived,” the driver said.
“Thank you, James,” Pepper said politely. Someone walked up to the car and opened the door on her side. I quickly opened mine before someone could do it for me. Didn’t feel like getting pampered today.
Sammy was speaking with Happy when Pepper and I walked up. They were standing in my old courtyard. Well, it had really been just an empty lot, but I called it my courtyard when I lived there. The second we walked up, Happy and Sammy looked toward us.
“Hey, kid,” Sammy grinned. He was wearing his ‘uniform’, a beat up old jean jacket with the sleeves ripped off over a white shirt. “You didn’t tell me you knew Happy Hogan!”
“Wait, you know Happy?” I didn’t even try to hide my surprise that Sammy was familiar with Happy. The bodyguard/chauffeur/forehead of security looked a little bashful.
“Yeah, he used to box years back!” Sammy said with a wide grin at Happy.
“Yeah, until I perfected losing,” Happy said sarcastically. Still, he looked pretty pleased. “Those were good days. I’m actually surprised anyone remembers me.”
“Well, you weren’t exactly Ali or Foreman,” Sammy shrugged. “But damn, you really could take a hit and give one back!” Sammy swung a playful punch at Happy, who took it on the shoulder with a grin.
Pepper was smiling as she shook her head. “You never talk about those days, Happy.”
“They never really come up,” Happy shrugged, then looked around. “Anyways, Sammy and I have some guys roaming around. This is where HYDRA threw the grenade at you, right?”
Sammy and Pepper looked at me in surprise as I nodded. “Yeah, right over here,” I walked up to my former home, the others following. The destroyed remains of my door and the wall attached to it made me smile. Sammy sighed.
“Kid, if I’d known you were living like this-”
“I had the Omnitrix, Sammy, I was fine.”
“You should have told me.”
I decided to ignore him. Instead, I looked up at the warehouse that had once been home. “What are you thinking? Can we save it at all?”
“Oh, sure,” Sammy shrugged. “I’ve got the guys looking at it. Johnny,” the name of an architect we worked with a couple times. “Says that it’s still a pretty solid building. Some remodeling, we can probably make something out of it. Especially with the new gear you gave us.”
“The power loaders are here?” I asked with a grin.
“They’re called exo-lifters,” Pepper said with a sigh.
Sammy, Happy, and I looked at her.
“...I mean, I know that, but-” I began to say.
“It’s a power loader!” Sammy finished. “Seriously, the guys are calling it the ‘Ripley’ already.”
“Have you never seen Aliens?” Happy asked.
“Of course I have,” Pepper scoffed. “But we can’t call it a power loader because 20th Century Fox would sue us to oblivion. Or try to, at least.”
Fair enough.
Sammy tapped on his wrist. “Hey. Any chance you can get us started by clearing? I kinda want to see your old place.”
“Sure thing,” I reached the Omnitrix and flipped through the menu for a bit.
“I mean, you don’t need to use that,” Happy said as I went through my options. “We can bring one of the-”
I pushed down the dial. In a flash of light, my skin turned red and thick enough to bounce bullets off of. My eyes split into four, and two arms erupted from my obliques. Just like that, I was Four Arms again.
“FOUR ARMS!”
Sure, might be basic to pick my go-to super strength alien for this, but he was still awesome and damn useful for this.
“Wish I could have done this back in the day,” I said to myself as I stepped forward and grabbed a piece that had once been my wall. With a little toss, I sent it flying to the side. As I did, a heavy set of footsteps that weren’t mine came around the other side of the building. Soon, a yellow robot came around to join us.
In truth, despite my joking around, the exo-armor was much smaller than the power loaders from Aliens. It was about eight feet tall, made of steel and pistons, with a large power unit on the back. Inside was someone I didn’t recognize in tough jeans and a wool sweater. The armor moved with him. It was ponderously slow, but he was still able to walk up to us with relative ease. He stopped to stare at me. “Uh, boss?” he asked Sammy.
“Just start picking up rocks, Dan,” Sammy said with a shrug. “Stop acting like you’ve never seen aliens in New York before.”
“I’m from Jersey!”
“...well, we all have our weaknesses.”
He gave Sammy a sour look. Apparently the insult was enough to make him feel like things weren’t that weird or something, because he walked up to join me. “Uh, do you need-”
“You take that side,” I said, lifting four rocks. “And we can dump the debris over here.”
“And while he does that,” Pepper said elegantly, ignoring the sight of a Tetramand and construction worker in a personal super-suit lifting hundreds of pounds of steel and stone over to a spot in the courtyard. “I have some final paperwork for you to sign,” she held out a folder to Sammy, who took it with some trepidation. “We’re making sure to offer you some substantial benefits for the job of course. I believe you’ve already agreed with the NDA?”
“Yeah, don’t tell anyone anything or else I’ll get shoved into a prison so deep I never see anything but the Abomination’s ass.”
Pepper blinked. “I… well, really, it would mostly be us suing you or anyone else who breaks it.”
Sammy frowned. “That’s a lot less exciting. Can I tell the guys the thing about the Abomination’s ass? I like that line.”
I walked past with another bunch of rocks, Dan in his armor coming by with some more. “Okay, right here.”
“This is going to be a bitch to clean up,” Dan mumbled, the sounds of rock crunching as I dropped it filling the air. The pile of concrete that had once been my home was pretty big at that point. Dan brought another block about nine cubic feet over and tossed it on the pile.
“Nah, I got that part too,” I tapped the Omnitrix on my chest. Red skin turned to green gelatinous flesh in a flash of light.
“Goop!”
“...He’s the incredible snot monster now?” Sammy asked.
“That’s offensive,” I said from my Anti-Grav unit. Then I raised a hand and sprayed out green acid over the concrete. The liquid melted through the stone, leaving it bubbling. I sprayed it again as it came down to the dirt.
“This is so weird,” Dan said to himself.
“You get used to it,” Happy told him.
“Really?”
“...Okay, that’s just something I say, but honestly, everytime I get used to things, the goalposts move. Just roll with it as best as you can.”
Dan didn’t seem to like that answer. Once I finished melting down the concrete we’d lifted enough that I had room to put more down, I reached for the Omnitrix again.
“FOUR ARMS!”
I went back to work. Didn’t have much time, but I could get as much done as I could. Plus, I did have a melted super-computer somewhere in the rubble. Useless to anyone, but I kinda wanted it for nostalgia’s sake.
And hey! Work was finally being done on the new super awesome secret base!
Progress, baby!
“Mahmoud!” Pepper called as I pushed another few tons out of the way. “We’ll be signing the rest of the paperwork!”
“I’ll join you guys in a bit,” I called back to her. Grabbing the remains of a stove in my bottom two hands, I tossed it toward the pile, then gripped a pillar of concrete wrapping around a steel girder.
“You gonna stay like that?” Sammy asked incredulously.
I chuckled. “Well, I do have four hands. Twice the paperwork!”
Nobody laughed.
“This is why I like Tony. Tony would have laughed,” I tossed the pillar at the still bubbling pool of acid like a javelin so that it stabbed deep into the ground.
“That’s not really an accomplishment,” Pepper snarked.
------
After a quick run through all the official stuff we had to do, I helped Sammy and the old crew for a few hours of work, then joined them at a bar nearby.
“To Mahmoud!” Sammy cheered, holding a giant mug of beer in his right hand as he clutched me close. “For one hell of a job!”
“Hear hear!” the guys around us cheered. We were all sitting in a booth with a couple of guys having pulled over chairs. I hid my dopey smile in the non-alcoholic beer I’d gotten as everyone took a swig of their various poisons. Putting mine back down on the table, I grinned at the guys around me.
“So how’ve you idiots been?” I asked jokingly.
One of the guys, a dude named Marcus who’d been raised in Harlem, scoffed. “Well, not as good you, brotha. I’m amazed you still know how to work for a living after spending all your time with millionaires!”
I laughed. “Dude, I spend most of my time either getting my ass kicked, or kicking ass, my whole life is working for a living.”
Sammy laughed. “You sure it counts when you can cheat with the aliens? Face it man, you’re living large!”
“Hey, when some kind of super-troll is using your head to de-asphalt a road, then you can talk to me about living large,” I snarked right back.
The guys laughed, Sammy ribbing me in the arms. As I was chuckling, I hid how uncomfortable I felt all of a sudden. Sammy was joking. Marcus was joking.
But a couple of the guys looked like they were a little sore at me. I remembered what Pepper had said, and my own thoughts on how the relationship between superhumans and regular people was getting shaky. Luckily I could think of a few things to help bridge (heh) the gap.
“So how’d it feel piloting the suits?” I asked carefully, looking at Lauren, a Chinese guy who’d helped Dan and me on one of the rooms.
The sour look on his face faded. “Oh man, felt awesome!” he started smiling. “Just looking at a giant ass rock and lifting it like it’s nothing! Best I’ve felt in my life.”
Dan nodded. “Hell yeah, the Ridley was awesome. And we get to keep them?”
“Well, yeah,” I shrugged. “You guys always had my back when I needed it on sites, so this way I get to help you out too. So, Sammy’s new company,” I clasped his shoulder. “Is the first in the world to have exo-suits backing it up.”
The guys I was less familiar with didn’t quite soften, but overall the vibe toward me seemed to be a bit better. Luckily, even though I couldn’t quite participate on the alcoholic side of things, I still knew the five words every hard working human in the world loved.
“Next rounds on me, boys!”
Every body immediately cheered, any bad feeling wiped away.
I got up to go pay for said drinks. Walking through the crowd of people in the bar, I was dodging around a very drunk biker when I bumped into someone, spilling his drink on his shirt. I winced. “Oh damn dude, I’m sorry.”
“Ah, it’s cool, man,” the short Hispanic man I’d bumped into said cheerily. He looked up at me. For some reason he seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place him. “Oh damn!”
I realized that while I was trying to recognize him, he’d already recognized me. “Oh man, you’re Dial, dude!”
“Uh, yeah! And you’re…” I asked hesitantly, waiting for him to say a name I knew from Marvel comics. Why did he seem so familiar?
“Oh, I’m Luis man!”
“...” I had no idea who the hell he was. Was there a guy named Luis in the comics? Must have been my imagination.
“Well, let me get you another drink, man.”
“Oh damn, thanks man!” He said cheerily. As I passed some cash to the bartender, he continued to talk fast. Like, really fast.
“Man, what are the chances I would meet you, a superhero, in the middle of a bar! Oh wait, are you casing the joint? Are there bad guys here?” I shook my head for a nano-second before he kept talking. “Well, besides me, cause I used to steal stuff,” wha- “Don’t worry though, I already spent some time in prison, paid off my debt to society! Oh, but my girl left me. And my mom died. And my dad got deported,” wha- “But he left me his van, which is pretty tight!”
Dude, let me get a word in-
“Oh man, but it’s so crazy meeting you! I remember when I first saw you on the news, and your were fighting next to the Avengers, and I was with my cousin Ignacio! Ignacio was like: “Yoh man, this is crazy, this dude can turn into anything, you know what I’m saying!” And you were on TV like: “Man, I’m an Avenger now and shit, and I’m taking down HYDRA!” Oh, thanks man!”
He stopped long enough for me to pass him a drink. “So uh, you sound pretty familiar with superheroes.”
“Oh, well I dabble, cause when the Avengers came on there was this superdope documentary on superhumans in legend, and I wanted to compare it to some works I read about Howard Carter and his own theories on the gods of Egypt, though I find he’s a bit of a hack.”
Wait, when did we get to Howard Carter?
“Oh, that’s not the point though!”
His eyes lit up. I leaned back. And just like that, he was off.
“But man, I love the history behind it! So, like, Captain America wanted to join World War 2, but all the guys recruiting were like: “Boy, you are way too skinny to help, get back to Brooklyn.” So then your boy Steve was like: “Oh man, but I really want to fight alongside my boy Bucky and beat up those Nazi dickheads, how they gonna let that skinny dude Audie Murphy join when I have like two pounds on him but not me!?”, and Doctor Erskine was like: “Bruh, come join me, I don’t care how skinny you are, you seem like a chill dude, come with me and I’m gonna make you awesome!”
I was fairly sure none of them had said that exactly. I sat down on a stool in awe and continued to listen.
“And then he did, but then that punk HYDRA dude snuck in and was like: “I’m a racist asshole and I’m gonna kill him!” but when he did, Steve was already all sexy buff and he was like: “Oh, you messed up, I’m gonna take out all of the Nazi’s!”
-------
“So then Tony was like: “Oh, you want me to make weapons, then I’m about to make a bad, super-fly kinda weapon!” So he made a sweet ass suit and he blew them all away, then did it again when his super-evil former mentor tried cramp his style! And then he stood in front of a crowd and was like: “I’m Iron Man, bitches, you gotta deal with it!”
Note to self, never let Tony meet Luis.
------
“And then the Avengers are in New York, and a big ass snake comes down to attack them, and the Hulk goes: “Welcome to Earth!” like my boy Will Smithy, and punches them! And they all take out the aliens!”
Sammy, Dan, and I all took a sip of our drinks, watching in fascination.
“So then the Avengers are flying around, and Hawkeye keeps shooting them saying: “Yoh, you may have alien weapons, but I got bitchen arrows, and he blows up Loki, who goes: “Ah man! You ruined my pimpin helmet!” And the Hulk finds him and takes him with: BAM BAM BAM,” he smacked the table with each hit. “You got nothing on me homie, I don’t care if you’re a god!”
------
“Thor was like: “Elf-man, you came to the wrong neighborhood!” and his fine-ass honey was teleporting his people around while they were flying, and that hammer, Mjolnir the legendary weapon formed by Brokkr and Sindri according to some accounts in Skáldskaparmál,” he said as though that last word was easy to say. “Was like: “You ain’t gonna mess with homie Thor, we’re like family!” and Thor blasted that Elf dude in the face with a giant lightning storm like a boss while his crazy stupid fine girl was kicking ass with science!”
Note to self, never let Thor meet Luis.
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“You’re coming down out of the sky and you went: “Hey man, if you guys want to mess with Captain America, you gotta mess with me!” and you dropped a whole bling mountain on top of them!”
“How long has he been going that we managed to get to this part?” Sammy whispered to me.
“About ten minutes,” I whispered back. When he gave me a startled look, I shrugged. “Dude, he covered a lot, very quickly.”
“And then you mixed with a spaceship and were like: “Hey HYDRA, you move an inch, I’ll put a spaceship up your butt, homie!””
Sammy and Dan looked at me in surprise. Before I could be indignant, Luis continued.
“Oh damn, and then there was Rio, and you and your homies were like-”
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“So you were like: “Damn Fantasma, you a stupid crazy fine badass in that suit, and you should be an Avenger!” and she was like: “You know, I’m a Russian, but you a straight badass, so I’m gonna be an Avenger now too!” And now you’re here!” Luis said at last, giving me a pleased smile. Then he started sipping at his drink, ignoring the crowd of people surrounding us, including the stunned bartender.
“...Yep. Here I am,” I said hesitantly, blown away by the most incredible summary of both the Avengers and my own life I’d ever heard. A bit rambling, but daaaaayum.
“Yeah!” he grinned. The crowd around us slowly drifted off when they realized the story was over. “Man, I’m glad I came to New York City!”
“You’re from out of town?” Sammy asked, grabbing my now empty non-alcoholic beer and replacing it with another one in my hand.
“Oh ya man, I’m from San Francisco!” Luis said cheerily. Then again, he said everything cheerily. “Yeah, I came out here to visit some family.”
Michael Peña! Luis looked like that actor, one of the ones who had been in The Martian as an astronaut! Man, that had been bothering me the whole time!
“Hey man, thanks for the drink by the way!” he lifted his glass. “Good looking out!”
“Uh, no problem man,” I chuckled. I found myself genuinely liking (uhh what?) the guy. He could tell a hell of a story. “How long are you in town for?”
“Couple of weeks, then I gotta get back,” he grinned. “Oh hey man, if you ever come to the Bay Area, we should meet! I could give you the hookup, show you around!”
“I’m down for that,” I said, not having the heart to tell him I was born in Oakland. “Here, let me give you my number.”
As I did, I had to wonder how Luis would describe our meeting down the road.