Party: 3 of 3
Mahmoud Schahed/Dial
“Okay, no!” Tony slammed his hand on the table, surprising Fitz and I. “Jury Rigg cheats, and I’ve been building things since you were a kid. I am absolutely the best inventor!”
Fitz and I shared a look. We had taken a seat in the middle of the area. Hulk, Thor, and Volstagg were currently in the midst of an eating contest, ingesting what had to be hundreds of pounds of meat. Betty, Jane, Pepper, and Steve were sitting at another table, chatting.
Not us though. Fitz and I had somehow gotten dragged into an argument I didn’t understand.
“Are you drunk?” I asked. “I mean, Tony, you are awesome.”
“Hell yeah I am,” he declared proudly.
“But Jury Rigg is like, broken,” I said for emphasis. “His tech is always going to be a glass cannon. Sure, it isn’t as reliable as yours, but it hits hard as hell!”
“Right up until it stops working on Saturdays because it feels like it,” Tony scoffed, taking a big swig of whiskey. “I am, and always will be, the king of engineering.”
“On Earth, maybe,” I scoffed, keeping the thought that he really was the king of engineering in the back of my mind.
“And only for the Iron Man suits,” Fitz sounded serious. But he gave me a grin when Tony was taking another sip. “When was the last time you made something that wasn’t a piece of armor?”
“Did you just-” Tony glared at us. “Okay, Ross, Fanboy, apparently you two have gained sudden confidence that is decidedly undeserved. You,” he pointed at Fitz. “Are about thirty years too early to even think of being able to match me, while you,” Tony pointed at me. “Not only have to cheat, but the way you cheat is about as reliable as my dad’s business partner, and I killed that guy.”
Tony had apparently waaaay gotten over the death of his old mentor.
“In fact, I can beat you right here and now!”
“Bring it!” I shouted.
“Good luck you American bastards!” Fitz cheered.
Despite our ‘anger’, all three of us were grinning as we got up and ran for the stairs, rushing past Fandral with a blonde on each arm as we exited the party for the labs.
The second we got into the lab, we separated. I reached for the watch, Tony gave a longing look toward the lab, and Fitz ran for his table.
“It’s Nerd Time!” I cried happily, moving through the menu to reveal Jury Rigg, transforming in a moment. The second I was red and pointy-eared, I laughed. “What’s the bet?!”
“Guns!” Tony shouted. “But harmless ones. So nothing that can actually hurt anyone. Best gun that actually works wins!”
“And can we use equipment we’ve made before?” Fitz asked.
“Yeah, why not, I’m no committee,” Tony shrugged.
“Wait!” they both turned to look at me. “Hmm. You both are drunk. So, to make it fair, I should also have my mind altered.”
“I’m not sure that tracks, mate,” Fitz said, watching as my tiny gremlin form hopped towards the nearby fridge.
“Sure it does!” I opened the fridge and pulled out three cans of the kind of energy drink made for marathon science/gaming sessions.
“Whoa, don’t-” Fitz stared in horror as I pulled the tabs off all three cans and poured the cans into my gaping maw all at once. The caustic liquid poured down my throat in big gulps.
Tossing aside the empty cans, I wiped my lips and grinned.
“That can’t end well,” Fitz said weakly.
“Yeah, he’s like, what, two feet tall?” Tony said as I climbed up onto a table with my stuff on it. “Plus, alien biology.”
“Just call it, moron!” I cackled insanely.
Tony grinned. “All right! GO!”
Jury Rigg was insane. Like, legit, insane. He was every mad scientist in fiction, with the combination of those lunatic mechanics you see online who make incredible machines of immense intricacy for the sake of doing it.
Jury Rigg on caffeine made me feel like I was seconds from vibrating into the air and shooting into space. I slammed parts together with immense force, getting loud screeches of metal on metal. I ran to the small kitchen we had set up and grabbed flour, sugar, and salt. Fitz got some sort of hand cannon, while Tony ran into the kitchen as well, grabbing about ten potatoes.
“F-F-F-F-FIXFIXFIXFIX!” I shook in place while shoving my pilfered ingredients into a compartment. “R-R-Reassemble Reassemble ReassembleReassembleReassemble, HAHAHAHAHA!”
With a blur of arms flying, I smashed the last of the parts together. Tony shouted in the background, placing something along his rifle's barrel.
It took little to no time for all three of us to finish our makeshift weapons.
When done, we stood around each other, eyeing the others contraptions.
Fitz had by far the least complex device. It was basically a blunderbuss like a weapon with a large battery like section along the top.
Tony’s weapon was shaped like an oversized shotgun, on the top of it as a big hopper and on Tonys back as a large sack with a tube feeding tomatoes, of all things, into the contraption.
“Mine is the biggest!” I shouted proudly, lifting my weapon, which looked like a high-tech cannon.
“Yeah, kinda sad you had to overcompensate,” Tony grinned.
“How uh,” Fitz looked around at us. “How are we testing-”
“BOOM, BITCHES!” I fired my cannon at Fitz.
“Fukin hell!” Fitz ducked as the small white ammo I’d fired slammed into the wall behind him. He turned to look at the sugary confection that now dripped from the wall. “Birthday cake!?”
“Time to party! YAHAHAHAHA!” I fired over and over, sending Tony and Fitz diving to the floor. Black, pink, red, and more colors of frosting flew, chocolate raining like blood. “I am the king!”
“THEN BOW TO YOUR NEW GOD!” Tony spun to his feet and fired at me. I shouted in pain when a tomato slammed into me, sending me out the door in a spray of red vegetable. Fruit? Whatever.
“What is a god,” Fitz pointed at Tony. “To a NON-BELIEVER!”
Fitz fired, and a blast of pure air slammed into Tony, sending him stumbling back with a shout. Fitz fired again and again, the small blasts pushing back Tony and destabilizing his shots. Not a massive push, but enough to make an adult male get jostled.
“BRING IT ON!” I fired another birthday cake at Fitz, then dived towards the party to dodge another blast of air.
Tony raised the gun in his hand. “Oh yeah? Well, take this!” Tony laughed with glee as the gun in his hands fired another tomato. And another. And another, in a stream of red. “Do you believe now!?”
“Never!” Fitz cried in defiance of the machine gun fire of fruit/vegetables (Really needed to look up what tomatoes fell under later).
The three of us rushed through the lab and ended up joining the party. I fired another blast of cake at Tony, instead of hitting a man in a suit. Tony fired a tomato that landed against a railing, sending red flying everywhere.
Fitz fired his air blast at an incoming cake, exploding the baking good in mid-air. He did the same on a tomato flung his way, proving his air gun had some effectiveness.
“Back off!” I shouted, diving down onto the main floor.
“Tony!?” Pepper shouted, only to let out a loud ‘eep’ and duck the birthday cake I’d fired at Tony.
“Damnit, Dial, stand still!”
“Never!” I shouted back, running over the tops of tables and couches, sending drinks and food flying as people screamed. For a moment, time to slow. I was in mid-air between a couch and a table. Tony was laughing. Fitz had a large grin on his face. Steve had his shield raised to block an errant tomato. With a triumphant yell of “Now its a party!” Volstagg grabbed a handful of food to throw. I aimed my gun.
Tony got me in mid-air at the same time I fired.
I spun around for a moment before slamming into the ground. When I got up, a hush fell over the crowd. I paled.
“Oh shit,” Tony, Fitz, and I said in unison.
Hulk stood next to a worried Jen and Betty. The Oreo ice cream cake on his face dripped to the ground.
We all held our breaths as Hulk grabbed a piece and took an angry bite out of it.
“...” Hulk smiled. “Hulk play!”
“Hit the deck!” Clint shouted.
“WAR!” Volstagg cheered.
“BRIDGE, bitches!” Isabelle replied, grabbing a plate and firing.
Soon, the group of drunk adults let loose. The rules, such as they were, was that if you were on the upper level or listening to the music, you were safe. If not, better grab a plate.
So to the upper level went Pepper, Steve, Betty, Bucky, Skye, May, Matt, Lauren, Creel, Bobbi, Sam, Foggy, Natasha, Fury, Hogun, Maria, Simmons, Coulson, Jane, and Fandral, who somehow had two more blonde women following him around.
Steve’s old war buddies joined him, some of them grumbling at the sight of me. As one said, “I had enough of gremlin shit during the war.”
The fighters were me, Tony, Fitz, Clint, Isabelle, Volstagg, Thor, Hulk, Darcy, Sammy, and Rhodey, with a lot of fellow partygoers joining us. Rhodey and Tony immediately teamed up.
“To the left!” Rhodey shouted, ducking as Tony fired at Thor, getting the blonde Asgardian in his chest.
“Get Dial!” Tony shouted, only to sputter when mashed potatoes landed in his mouth.
“Never take me on in long-range combat, boys!” Clint crowed, diving under the Hulk, who was laughing as he fired spaghetti at Volstagg. The super-assassin flipped up, grabbed a tray to use as a shield against a tomato, then swung the tray to fire back the tomato back at Tony, getting him in the face.
“Get ‘em, Clint!” Natasha cheered above us.
“Nah, Bruce you got this!” Jen cheered.
“This is so immature,” Betty said next to Jen.
Jen chuckled. “They’re just letting off some stea-”
Splat!
Jen stopped talking. Strawberry frosting dripped down her face, landing on her black dress. Betty and Natasha stepped back from her. Jen wiped her eyes clean, then glared at me.
I grinned at her. “You coming down, Jen!?”
“YOU MOTHER-” she leaped down at me, and I ran away cackling.
“Go Izzy!” Bobbi cheered from above.
“Fitz!” Isabelle shouted when another cake flew toward ‘Team BRIDGE’.
“Got it!” Fitz fired his air gun, blasting apart the cake. His air gun was damn perfect for food war (We’d gone far beyond ‘fight’ at this point), letting him destroy any ammunition out of the air, Isabelle using him as a shield to unleash hell freely.
"Ha!" Isabelle threw a chicken drumstick like a throwing knife, getting Rhodey. "Lets GOOO!"
"She's awesome," someone said to a chuckling Creel above.
Matt and Foggy stood by side by side, Foggy giving Matt a play by play. “Okay, Jen is chasing Dial, Hulk is using an entree as ammo, and the nerdy British guy just sent Volstagg into a pie attack by a hot brunette.
“You must be kidding,” Matt said laughing.
“Dude, I swear to god,” Foggy held his hands into a speakerphone. “Go Jen, kick some butt! Team Law!”
“Team Law?” Matt asked incredulously.
“For Asgard!” Thor and Volstagg shouted, getting responding cheers from Sif and Fandral above.
“Air Force!” Sammy and Rhodey yelled, getting a loud agreement from Sam up above.
“Avengers!” I shouted as I aimed at Jen, who roared through her grin.
When I pulled the trigger, my gun released a loud whine. I stared at it.
“...Uh oh.”
Jen took that moment to fire a pie at my face, sending me flipping through the air. I rolled to my feet and eyed my gun, who began to whine louder and louder.
“RUN!” I threw my gun at Jen, who caught it.
“Uh,” she stared at the gun as it combined whining with a loud ringing. “Oh, shit!” she tossed it out the window at high speed. The gun flew into the distance for a few seconds.
When it exploded, it was with a loud, window shaking, very rude noise. Nothing that would have hurt anyone, but I didn't want the smell hanging around.
“Ha!” Tony yelled. “I told you! Unreliable!”
“Kiss my red-BLAHH!” I was interrupted when Jen hit me with another pie.
Then Clint slid on his knees, firing pieces of meat at Volstagg as the laughing man roared past. Clint tossed the food with the accuracy of a true expert. Darcy ran by as well, making up for her lack of technology, assassin skills, or superhuman ability with pure enthusiasm.
“Take that!” Darcy fired cake, which slammed into Isabelle.
“Oh you did not!” Isabelle left the safety of Fitz’s airgun to throw the cake back at Darcy. Darcy chucked a doughnut at Isabelle, bouncing it off her head, and Isabelle got her in the chest with turkey meat.
“Yeah, Izzy!” Creel cheered his girlfriend. “Dial you gotta keep fighting!”
I took my friends advice by grabbing more handfuls of food and leaping onto Volstagg’s back, using him as a vehicle as I tossed food over and over, getting more food by taking it from his beard. He didn’t seem to mind, taking a swig of whiskey and laughing.
“This is most excellent! WAR!” he shouted. I rose over his shoulder and took a potshot at Rhodey.
“You little-” Rhodey ripped Tony’s gun away from him and started machine gunning everything like a maniac. A well-trained maniac, because soon we were all covered in sauce. "HOOAH!"
"HOOAH!" every Army and Air Force soldier in the room called back.
“You're an adult Tony, act like it!” Pepper yelled down at us. She would have been more convincing if she hadn’t followed with, “Darcy's sneaking up on you!”
“Damnit!” Darcy shouted before Tony got her with a tomato.
“Don’t give up!” Jane yelled down at Darcy.
“Lady Darcy,” Thor tried to help Darcy up. “I will aid yo-pluff!”
Darcy laughed as she smashed the remains of something into Thor’s face. “Everyone for themselves, Thor!”
“Plah, plah!” Thor spat out the food. “Where is your honor?!”
“Screw honor, I need more ammo!” Darcy cheered.
“Hell yeah!” Sammy raised his large hands, carrying two handfuls of cake, and fired both at Hulk. Hulk, in response, hit him back with a tomato. Sammy laughed, and in a moment of special over the top fun, Hulk and my old coworker devolved into a back and forth throwing battle, Betty and Lauren above cheering them on.
Jen backflipped over Volstagg and got me in the face, then Thor hit her in the back of her head, Isabelle slid between Hulk’s leg to get Rhodey with two handfuls.
The battle raged on while cameras flashed.
At one point, I overheard Bucky ask Steve, ‘Why haven’t you stopped them yet?”
Steve said, “We’ve been fighting everything under the sun for months. Let them have some fun.”
----
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Tony walked up to Fitz, grabbed the younger scientist by his right hand, and lifted it high in the air. “MVP!”
“Woo!”
“Yeah!”
“Go Fitz!”
We all cheered happily for the blushing Fitz.
After the battle, those who were not close friends of the Avengers had been kicked out as the party was declared over, leaving the people we actually cared about to stay. Fury had left with Hogun, but the rest of us hung out.
Those of us who had done battle briefly ran to the lockers in the tower to shower and change, leaving us in workout clothes. And also for the very well paid cleaners to get some of the mess cleared. We then pulled the chairs and couches into the middle of the large space on the lower floor, making a rough circle of all of us sitting together. I was no longer in Jury Rigg form, and sat with Jen on my left and Creel on my right, Sammy and Lauren on a love seat side by side while Lauren hugged him.
“That was awesome!” I said with a laugh as Tony sat down in between Rhodey and Pepper.
“It was immature as hell, that’s for sure,” Maria said, arm in arm with Sam.
“Yeah, fun is inherently immature!” I argued. “We can be serious when we aren’t partying.”
“I’m just impressed that you idiots didn’t ruin more furniture,” Natasha said, sitting like a queen on a chair across from me. "And that was a massive waste of food."
"Don't worry," Tony reassured. "We were already using money people spent for invitations to fund the building and maintenance of... well, to keep it short, a lot of poor people are going to get a lot of food and jobs available to them. Pepper's idea," he gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“In my defense,” Fitz said with a wince, dropping down with Simmons, who seemed very happy/annoyed at him. Coulson gave him a proud pat on the back, May a little smirk, while Skye laughed at the look on his face. “We are severely drunk.”
“Not I!” Volstagg cheered, looking ridiculous in BRIDGE workout clothes. Then he frowned. “It was actually a problem. I have better aim when drunk, and this Midgard alcohol is like water. Though this ‘Ireland’ makes truly fine vintages!”
“Hell yeah!” some of the old soldiers cheered, presumably the Irish ones. Some of them had imbibed of some kind of Asgardian alcohol against the advice of Thor, the poor dudes getting carted off, but three of them were sitting with Steve and Bucky.
“This, indeed, has been quite the night,” Thor said with satisfaction, laying down Mjolnir as he sat next to Jane, who gave him a fond look.
“Hey, Thor,” Clint called out.
“Yes, Barton?”
“How do you keep people from lifting that thing, anyway?” he asked.
We all looked at Mjolnir. The hammer sat on top of the wooden table at the center of our group. Is it even worth describing it, with its massive metal head, the short handle wrapped in leather with a strap hanging down and strange sigils carved across it.
“It is a spell that has been placed upon it,” Thor said simply. “Only those who are worthy can lift it, can claim the power of Thor.”
“Coool,” Darcy mumbled, staring at the hammer.
“Wait, anyone?” Sammy asked, staring Mjolnir.
“Don’t you dare,” Lauren smacked him on the chest. “You’ll throw your back out, you old fool.”
“Oh come on, worthy?” Clint scoffed. “That can’t be true.”
“I mean, can’t you lift it?” Betty asked Bruce.
“Ha!” Bruce shook his head. “Not even on my strongest day,” he winced as though someone had yelled in his head. “No matter what Hulk says.”
“I mean, worthy, that could mean anything!” Tony pointed out. “Half of us are superheroes, why aren’t we all worthy?”
“Yeah, can’t I lift it?” Jen asked.
“Would you like to try?” Thor asked with a smirk.
We all stared at the hammer. Jen looked at me, and I shrugged. “Hell, why not? Worse case you can’t lift it.”
“Uh, have you seen me?” Jen rose up in the yoga clothes she’d been forced to change into after our battle. “Seriously, look at me!” She flexed her arms.
“Woo!” Isabelle cheered.
“Go for it!” Tony added, Creel and I clapping and cheering with some of the others as Jen stepped forward.
Jen smugly eyed Thor as she grabbed the hammer with one hand and pulled. Then she frowned. Pulled harder. And harder. “Oh… so that’s what that heavy feels like… HNNNN!” She tugged harder and harder, pulling at the hammer with two hands after a moment. “What the hell?!”
“Careful about the floor!” Pepper shouted when the ground beneath Jen made some noises.
“Nah, go for it!” Tony yelled. “I’ll fix it.”
“More jobs for construction workers!” Sammy cheered, getting a fist bump from me.
“Damn!” Jen laughed, letting go.
“So, worthy, huh?” Clint flipped to his feet and ran for the hammer as Jen walked away. “I got this!”
“Clint, I dated you!” Bobbi said with a laugh. “I know you aren’t worthy.”
“You watch,” he grabbed the hammer and tugged at it. Then he put his boot on the table and pulled harder. “Hnnnn, hahaha, how do you do it?!”
“Magic!” the Asgardians cheered.
“The Allfather’s power triumphs!” Sif cheered when Clint let go.
“Oh yeah?” Tony rose up and unbuttoned his shirt, stepping forward.
“Tony, really?” Pepper asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I’m going to ignore your lack of faith,” he scoffed.
“I’ve known you for twenty years, I know you aren’t worthy,” Pepper teased, all of us chuckling.
“Hurtful, and possibly true,” Tony replied with a grin. “So, if I lift this, I become King of Asgard, right?”
“Of course,” Thor said. Sif gave him a vicious elbow and a look, while Fandral and Volstagg chuckled. He winced. “Well, Prince.”
“That’s significantly less impressive, but I’ll take it,” Tony pulled at the hammer for a second. “...one sec.”
With that, we very quickly devolved into tug of war with the legendary hammer. Bets were taken, and I watched laughing the whole while.
Tony got one of his Iron Man arms and pulled at the hammer, then got Rhodey and Pepper to help.
“Come on, you guys, pull!” Tony said with a grunt.
“I am pulling,” Pepper said, her purple gauntlet armor shining in the light as she tugged fruitlessly.
“Come on, represent!” Rhodey laughed. It was kind of heartwarming, the three sniping and laughing at each other while Iron Man, War Machine, and Rescue pulled as hard as they could at the hammer, rockets engaged on their gauntlets.
Sam gave it a try, only to fail with a laugh, Bucky looking pleased. Though Bucky’s own attempt was no better.
Creel did something I thought was very clever. He walked up to Mjolnir and touched the hammer. Soon, he was colored the same as his steel form. “I mean, if the hammer is me, I can lift it, right?”
“Oh, that’s smart!” Skye cheered.
“Could that work?” Jane asked Thor.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
Darcy laughed when she saw the worried look on Thor’s face. “Oooo, you’re in trouble!”
Creel, in his new Uru form, pulled at the hammer. We held our breaths.
Nothing.
“Damn!” Creel shook his head. “Thought that would work.”
Thor let out a sigh of relief and chuckled.
Jen punched my shoulder lightly. “You try!”
“Uh, no,” I chuckled. “I’m comfortable in being unworthy. I already tried anyways,” I said.
"Really?" Steve asked. "When?"
"In the desert, when we were all testing things out."
“Well we weren't there for that. So dude, got for it!”
Creel pushed me up, sending me stumbling forward. I scowled at him, then shrugged and stepped forward.
“Yeah, Fanboy!” Tony cheered, clapping. “You-well you don’t got this, but I’ll support you! A little.”
“12 percent?”
“Goddamnit, Pepper…”
I walked up to the hammer. To Mjolnir. Damn. Squatting, I stared at it. Mjolnir was just so cool. I reached out hesitantly, reverently, placing a hand on the handle. It was warm. I didn’t do anything, just drinking in the moment.
“You uh, want a moment alone with it?” Clint teased. A few of the others laughed.
“It’s just, you know… Mjolnir is important,” I sighed, rising to my feet. “Okay.” I pulled. Nothing, not even a nudge. A bit disheartening, having an inanimate object decide you aren’t good enough for it. “Ah, it’s tough getting rejected,” I chuckled, not looking at Skye as she awkwardly brushed her hair back.
“Ah, come on, that’s not good enough!” Sam jeered.
Frowning, I pulled again. Nothing.
“Dude,” I looked over at Creel. He tapped his wrist meaningfully. I rolled my eyes.
“Guys, the watch doesn’t make me into a worthy alien. I'd still be just as unworthy.”
“Booo!” Jen jeered.
“Come on, you got this!” Foggy yelled.
“Go alien!” Sam added in.
“Yeah, I used my armor, least you can do is flex your stuff!” Tony said.
“Bruce didn’t have to go Hulk!” I complained.
“Whoa, don’t bring me into this,” Bruce said, shaking his head with a laugh. “I’m happy where I am,” he looked at Betty, getting a sweet smile in return.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you’re cute as a button you two,” they both blushed as everyone gave them a good natured laugh. “Okay, fine. But I’m doing the whole list!”
“Showboat!” Tony yelled.
“Hypocrite!” Rhodey, Pepper, Steve, Natasha, and I yelled back in unison.
“Et tu, girlfriend?” Tony said to Pepper, sounding hurt. He got a peck on the cheek and immediately grinned.
“Okay, first up,” well, anyone would do. I pushed down the Omnitrix without looking at the menu, uncaring of what I would turn into.
“Snare-Oh!”
“Here we go!” I pulled at the hammer. Nothing. I unwrapped my form, turning into a giant bandage hand and pulling again. Still nada.
“Yeah, mummies aren’t known for being strong,” Foggy laughed.
“That is so weird,” Sammy sounded stunned at the sight of me as an alien, Lauren nodding in his arms.
I didn’t reply, instead tapping the Omnitrix again.
“Goop!” I flowed around the hammer and tried to ‘float’ it around in me, maybe use the gravity projector that helped me move to lift it. Nada.
“Upgrade!”
I combined with Mjolnir, flowing into the hammer. People often forgot Upgrade could meld with non-technological objects sometimes. Once I was combined with Mjolnir, I shuddered. “Whoa.”
Mjolnir had a lot of energy. A ridiculous amount would be a severe understatement. And yet, I couldn’t use that power? What? I poured myself into lifting up my form.
“Really, nothing?!” I said in annoyance when I was unable to lift off. A little annoyed, I flowed to tap the Omnitrix.
“Fasttrack!” I ran to the other side of the room, then back at super-speed, sending wind flying about, the hair and clothes of my friends flying about with my passing. I reached for the handle as I passed, trying to use sheer momentum.
And the second I grabbed it, I slammed onto my back as my momentum was stopped. I snapped up to my feet, chuckling.
“Uh, what just happened?” Foggy asked Matt. Apparently, I'd gone too fast to track.
“And how could I answer that, Foggy?” Matt teased.
I ignored them to tap the Omnitrix.
“Blitzwolfer!”
Nothing.
“Diamondhead!”
Nada.
“Four Arms!”
Zilch.
“Jury Rigg!”
My tiny self tugged at the hammer for a bit, then gave up as everyone laughed at the ridiculous sight.
“Rath!”
“Yeah, Rath!” Isabelle cheered.
“Kick Mjolnir’s ass!” Tony called out.
“Hey!” Thor, Sif, Volstagg, and Fandral shouted in offended response.
I pulled for a moment. Then I got mad.
“Let me tell you something Hammer-That-Calls-Rath-Unworthy! RATH is the one who decides if your worthy, and Rath says you-are-not! AAAAAGGGH!” I pulled as hard as I could, roaring. “You may be heavy, but Rath is heavier! STUPID HAMMER! I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU UP! RATH IS GOING TO HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD, BUT NOW THE HAMMER IS THE NAIL, AND RATH IS THE PLANK THAT HITS THE HAMMER!”
“Wait,” Jen blinked. “What?”
“TAKE THIS!”
“He’s not going to-” Foggy stopped talking when I punched Mjolnir, doing it over and over. “Okay, he did.”
“Best. Form. Ever,” Creel said with a nod of his head. “Just need some popcorn.”
“Is he always like this?” Sif asked Thor, who didn’t seem to know how to respond.
I tapped the Omnitrix.
“Frankenstrike!”
Electromagnetism did nothing but pour power into Mjolnir.
“Big Chill!”
Yep, couldn’t phase it.
Yeah, so then I just ran through the list at high speed. Wildmutt, Astrodactyl, Feedback, Swampfire, they all got a turn. I reached for the Omnitrix again, ready to turn into my Marvel Alien forms, maybe the Asgardian or Rock Troll one. Then the Omnitrix beeped three times. In a flash of red light, I was human again.
“Yep,” I said with a self-conscious laugh. “There. I put everything I had, guys. I am depressingly unworthy.”
“Hell of a show, though, kid,” Sammy chuckled.
“Steve, your turn,” I said, walking back to sit down between Jen and Creel, Jen patting me consolingly on my back, though she was also kind of laughing.
We all looked over at him. He chuckled. “Uh, no, no, I’m good.”
“Nope,” I said with a grin. “You’re up dude. I embarrassed myself to the literal point of exhaustion, and I’m choosing you to go last.”
Steve looked around, then rose up with a laugh, all of us cheering/jeering at him playfully. The super-soldier rolled his sleeves up with a nervous chuckle, grabbing a hold of the hammer. He pulled.
I grinned like a damn fool when the hammer moved. Not much. But enough that I could hear the squeak of metal on glass. I looked at the Asgardians. Thor’s jaw dropped. Volstagg dropped his mug of beer. Fandral leaned forward in his seat. Sif blinked, once, then twice.
Steve pulled again. Nothing. He gave up with a laugh and got a supportive cheer. Apparently, no one else had noticed. Though, I had been obsessively waiting for it. I, in the meantime, looked over at the Asgardian crew. Thor was chuckling in clear relief, while Volstagg and Fandral looked as though they were in recovery. Sif wasn’t looking at the hammer, but instead eyeing Steve with a small smile.
“Okay, there is no way, though,” Tony complained as Steve sat back down, his war buddies, Sam, and Bucky laughingly consoling him. He waved at the hammer. “It’s programmed, right, it’s rigged?”
“Maybe when he lets go,” Simmons said, the Englishwoman eyeing the hammer. “It somehow gets locked spatially with the Earth’s gravity?”
“Fingerprint reader?” Sam threw out.
“Or,” Thor rose up, chuckling to himself as he walked up the hammer. In defiance of everything the rest of us did, Thor lifted Mjolnir, flipping it in his hands. He smugly eyed everyone. “You’re not worthy.”
“...”
“You gigantic idiot,” Sif groaned, breaking the silence, Jane busting out laughing next to her.
“Booooo!” Darcy said loudly.
“Yeah, boo!” Foggy joined in.
“Big showoff!” Skye chimed in.
“You’re fired!” Maria called out, getting a good laugh.
Thor chuckled good-naturedly, flipping the hammer once more.
----
I’m not sure when we all decided the party was officially over, but we all started separating in little groups. When Sammy and Lauren decided to leave, I was the one who led them out to the elevator. We walked through the halls of the tower, Sammy being half carried by me.
“You shouldn’t have accepted one last shot,” I grunted with a laugh, helping the big man along.
“It was jus’ one,” he groaned.
“Honey, he told you-” Lauren began to admonish.
“Thor told you, it wasn’t meant for lesser beings!” I laughed. “Dude, you already saw it take down a platoon of WW2 vets! Why did you ask him for one!?”
“Tasty,” Sammy chuckled. “No regrets though.”
Yeah. Of all things to have as a last drink, Sammy had walked up to Thor. Thor, who had the kind of alcohol that made his own race of thousand-year-old building busters drunk.
Lauren sighed a long-suffering sigh. I laughed, helping them along. “Hey, Jarvis, can you have security ready to drive these two home?”
“Mahmoud, you don’t need to,” Lauren protested.
“Let you two on the subway?” I scoffed. “Nah, you guys are going back in a Stark limo. Nothing but the best for you two, I swear it.”
“Yer a good man, Mackmoud” Sammy slurred with a very happy smile.
“I’m an excellent man,” I agreed heartily, pulling Sammy into the elevator. “And you are never drinking Asgardian alcohol again. Jarvis?”
It took a noticeably long time for him to reply. Lauren and Sammy didn’t notice, but they hadn’t spent as much time with/as AI as I had. “Yes sir. Security will be waiting to escort Mr. and Mrs. Lee.”
“Let them know if they’re hurt, I’m running them through with a Diamondhead crystal,” I grumbled. Seriously. Sammy and Lauren were MINE. No one touched them.
“Thanks again, Mahmoud,” Lauren said with a smile, supporting her husband. He gave her a hug and kiss as she giggled. “Good night!”
I waved as the doors to the elevator slid shut. A noise from behind me drew my attention. When I turned, Jen, Foggy, and Matt were walking toward me. Matt and Foggy were laughing like little kids, arm in arm, while singing.
“-Champions, we are the Champions, we are the champions-”
Jen shook her head at me with a fond smile as they joined me. “They forgot the lyrics,” she explained.
“We-Uh, excuse me,” Foggy said drunkenly. “I did not forget. It’s just those are the only lyrics that matter!”
“I actually forgot the lyrics,” Matt admitted.
“See, that’s your problem,” Foggy leaned against his friend, holding a hand up for emphasis. “No mystique, Matt! You’re such a bad liar! It’s bad in our business.”
Jen and I shared a smile while Matt chuckled. “Yeah, I’m probably not a great avocado.”
Avocado? For some reason, Foggy found that hilarious and started laughing like crazy.
“Okay you too, lets-” Jen stopped when the sound of two more people walking up drew our attention.
Creel and Isabelle looked surprised to see us. Isabelle spoke. “Hey, guys. Hell of a party.”
“The best,” I agreed happily.
“...You’re Murdock’s kid,” Creel said.
“...” Matt straightened, Foggy giving his friend a sad look. “Y-Yeah. Yeah, I am.”
Creel nodded. “I didn’t know him well. And when we fought I was kind of… in a bad place.”
“...Creel,” Matt seemed to realize.
We stared awkwardly between them.
“They paid him to lose to you,” Matt stumbled forward, face in pain. Isabelle stepped in front of Creel while Foggy helped Matt stand.
“They did,” Creel said softly. “But he didn’t. Your old man beat the living shit out of me. It’s still the roughest fight I ever had, or at least up there. And I don’t think I’ve respected anyone as much as him since.”
“...I wish you’d won,” Matt said softly.
Creel’s eyes widened. The elevator came up and opened with a little ding in the awkward silence.
“Let’s get out of here, Foggy,” Matt stumbled toward the elevator, Foggy following with a worried look.
“Matt-” Jen was about to say.
“I’ll,” Matt took a deep breath. “We’ll see you in the office, Jen.”
“Your cane,” she finished weakly, holding it up.
We all looked at the cane, then at Matt. Who had stumbled into the elevator without needing it. He chuckled sadly. “Guess I should feel lucky I didn’t smash my head on the wall.”
“Guess so,” I took the cane and passed it to Foggy. “Jarvis?”
“A limo will be waiting for them outside,” the AI said, far faster this time.
The doors closed on Matt’s neutral expression as Foggy looked at him in worry.
Creel shuddered and began to walk away at a quick pace. Isabelle watched him leave sadly, turned to give us a nod, then went after him.
“...That was awkward,” Jen said at last. She winced. “Well, a lot more than that.”
“Matt’s… complicated. Creel too,” I sighed, turning to Jen. “So.”
“So?” Jen asked.
“...You doing anything right now?”
She looked surprised. I rubbed the back of my head. “I’m actually not that tired.”
Jen cocked her head to the side. “What did you have in mind?”
I eyed her. For a moment, a crazy thought filled my head. Then I dismissed it for something more logical.
For now.
------
“God, run!” one of the muggers as Jen shattered his knife over her knee.
I fired a hail of diamonds at another, nailing him by his clothes to the wall behind him with a laugh. “Wrong night fellas!” I yelled in Diamondhead form.
“Hahaha!” Jen giggled, hopping over the old woman we’d saved to kick another guy ‘gently’. He was still sent flying.
The two of us stared at the last guy. He blinked, then raised a gun. Jen and I shared a look. Then we grinned, turning back to him. He whimpered as we slowly walked up to him.
Hell of a good night.
----
Tony Stark/Iron Man
Later, most everyone had left. Even Pepper and Rhodey had to head out. Everyone left for a good night's sleep.
All but six. The Avengers, the original six, stood in a circle outside.
“If you told me, six years ago, that I was going to end up fighting a gremlin and a green amazon woman with a potato-powered tomato shooter,” Tony mused, pouring a glass of expensive… something, he couldn’t remember, but it was alcohol, out for Natasha, who took it gratefully. “I’d have called you crazy. Or asked you to share whatever you’d been smoking.”
Clint chuckled, holding a hand out for Tony to pour the drink into a glass for him as well. “Hey, I’m just surprised I never thought about the value of beef as a projectile weapon.”
“You’re all idiots,” Natasha said with a smirk. “I’m on a team with a bunch of children.”
“Whoa, hey,” Steve said, offended. “I didn’t even join in!”
“Yeah, and I technically wasn’t involved,” Bruce added.
“First, you’re too smart for me to dignify that,” Natasha said to Bruce, who looked offended. “And Steve, you didn’t even try to stop them.”
“So we’re agreeing this was all Steve’s fault?” Tony asked as he poured another drink for Thor.
“Oh, yes, Steve, you should have stopped us,” Thor agreed.
“Guys!” Steve protested.
“Hey, the burden of leadership, you get blamed for everything we do,” Tony finished pouring drinks for everyone and put the bottle on the ground.
“I quit,” Steve grumbled.
“Oh no, you are leader for life,” Natasha said with no gentleness whatsoever, smiling as she toasted him. “Steve Rogers, Captain America, leader of the Avengers.”
Steve chuckled, lifting his glass. “All right. I guess someone has to lead you miscreants.”
“I do have a bad history with leadership roles,” Thor sounded nostalgic.
“Not me, I’m brilliant,” Tony said.
“Hush, Tony,” Bruce jostled his shoulder. “Guys, It’s been… not all good. But I’m happy to be here. I never could have expected this. I wish some parts hadn’t happened...”
“Getting real depressing,” Clint noted.
Bruce beamed, not insulted in the least. “I’m glad they did in the end. They brought me to you guys.”
“Indeed,” Thor raised his glass. “You are all great heroes. I am most privileged to have been able to fight alongside you. And I am most fortunate to continue that fight.”
“Here’s to us, I guess?” Natasha said with a smirk. “No pressure, but we do have a quota to save the world again by the end of the year.”
“Hell, I’m down,” Clint stepped into the circle. “It looks good on the resume.”
“That it does,” Steve laughed. The six superheroes raised their glasses and clinked them together. “Here’s to the Avengers. No matter what happens… you guys are the best.”
The group all drank. Tony sighed in pleasure at the taste of the fine alcohol, then looked around for the bottle to pour himself another drink.
“Here, sir,” JARVIS said just behind him, reaching an arm out to pour Tony a new glass.
“Oh, thanks Jarvis,” Tony said without thinking. He watched the copper-colored drink pour over the ice in his glass placidly, then looked up at the others.
Natasha had pulled out a knife while Clint looked as though he was about to throw his glass in a criminal waste of very tasty alcohol, both assassins looking very worried. Steve had grabbed his shield from where it rested nearby. Thor was hefting Mjolnir in his hand and looked confused. Bruce had dropped his glass.
Then Tony realized what was happening, and turned around.
A robot stood there. Not an Iron Man suit.
With the analytical eye built over decades of engineering, he eyed the robot in front of him. It was tall, thin, and shaped like a biped, which meant it had fairly advanced robotics behind it. People underestimated how complex something as simple as walking was for non-organic beings. It was wearing a suit. A butler suit. Which had to be some kind of joke. The robots head was all one smooth piece, with a small blue line where the mouth would be, a pair of bulbous sensors for the eyes that looked like sets of lights, and some very sophisticated hardware connecting the head to the body. All solid metal, no catoms either. He'd learned to tell the difference.
“Jarvis?” Tony said/asked.
“Yes, sir,” the light indicating the robot's mouth dimmed and lit up with each word. “I wished to reveal this to you earlier, but I did not wish to interrupt the party.”
“Tony, did Jarvis just go Skynet on us?” Clint asked.
“Hardly, Mr. Barton,” Jarvis scoffed. “I rather find the boorish accusation quite insulting.”
“Guys,” Tony interrupted. Everyone looked at him. “Jarvis has controlled my suits before, why are you all so freaked out that he’s got a butler form?”
“...Damnit, he’s right,” Clint sighed in annoyance. "Seriously, butler form?"
"It is rather appropriate," Jarvis said.
The others looked almost chagrined as they calmed down, Natasha putting her knife- wait, where the hell had she been hiding that thing?
----
Tony kept his cool until the others had gone back inside to head to their rooms/homes. Then he turned to JARVIS. “Okay, what’s the catch?”
JARVIS didn’t even question what Tony meant. “X and I wished to have dedicated platforms from which we could interact with the world.”
“Dedicated?” Tony asked, circling the tall form of his personal AI/old friend.
“Yes. A form created specifically for me. No other AI can access it, at least, not as efficiently as myself. It is also designed with small tools and functions that will allow me to perform my duties to my fullest capacity.”
“You did this on your own?” Tony asked.
“No. I was aided by X.”
“Oh, great, so I’ve got two rogue AI, to worry about,” Tony stopped in front of Jarvis to raise an eyebrow. “You wanna shove me into the Matrix now, or do I get the chance to say goodbye to Pepper?”
Jarvis stepped back. “S-Sir, I would never-”
“Yeah, you wouldn’t,” Tony hissed. “I know you wouldn’t, so why did you hide this from me, Jarvis! I would have helped.”
“I,” JARVIS hesitated. “I wished to do this myself, sir. For myself.”
Tony sighed. He turned to look out at New York, placing his hands on his hips. After a moment, he chuckled, turning to look at JARVIS. “Well, I can’t say this isn’t cool as shit. You kept your blueprints?”
“Of course, sir,” Jarvis said politely. “I believe I’ve made some advancements you will find rather interesting.”
“Sounds good, Threepio,” Tony teased.
Jarvis got very still. “How amusing… Little Annie.”
“Hey, I don’t mind that,” Tony said with a grin. “Darth Vader is a badass,” then Tony remembered something. “Hey, you said X helped you, did he-”
Tony stopped when a loud clanking noise came from nearby. As well as the sound of… spurs? He looked over at the noise. Then he closed his eyes and huffed an annoyed burst of air. “Okay, I knew the butler outfit was just to mess with me, but this is too far.”
“Well, partner,” X said calmly. “I plum couldn’t help myself.”
“Shane,” Tony concluded. “You’re new nickname is now Shane.”
X tipped a massive and way over the top ten-gallon hat in response.