Ayre

I find myself entering Cerya’s petal chamber to find a quiet place to compose myself while Snapdragon fetches my dolls.

My hands delicately grip a hand mirror lined with various gemstones. I’ve not given any part of it too close a look in order to avoid my reflection, but onyx and a variety of quartz stones seemed the most prominent at a glance.

Mirrors are always a coin toss between whether I’m going to feel proud of how far I’ve come or focus on something I can’t stand seeing.

As if by way of comfort, my Seer’s words whisper as sweetly in memory as when she pressed the first step of bodily transition into my hands.

“If I may, I would like to start by making good on my sister’s offer. Make some time to reflect on this before today’s ceremonies, okay? If you’re feeling up to it, you can consign anything you don’t like to stone. Again, Theriya and I would be happy to walk you through this process. I just thought you might appreciate some time to decide for yourself if you and Lenore would like to go over how your body is already changing.”

I’ve been afraid to look.

Thankfully, I can put it off for a while yet.

Upon arrival, Fia and Selescia are quick to take me by the arm and urge me in the direction of the petal bed.

“You’re shaking.” Selescia remarks, her voice sharp and pointed as she casts a warning glare at Fia.

Interesting. And here I thought her first concern would be my body’s changes.

Fia purses her lips in a pout, but says nothing.

I guess they have had ample time with which to speak in regards to recent events. My dolls receive an easy smile from me as I wave off their concern. “I got more comfortable with Cerya and Snapdragon than I expected.”

Fia seems to light up while Selescia only grows more concerned.

Selescia’s voice falls to a whisper. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I set my hand mirror to the side before gesturing for my dolls to take a seat alongside me. That they must so often be invited to share in any comfort in my presence is something I have long since made peace with. Why show annoyance or impatience when doing so risks one of them thinking they have done wrong?

We share horrific circumstances that demand we adapt. They do not deserve to be punished or made to feel bad that they have not quickly discarded the behaviors and conformity to expectations that have kept us all alive up until now.

I turn the question back on Selescia. “I’ve already received the support I need. But you look like you’ve got your own worries.”

Fia chirps up. “See? Ayre has our interests at heart!”

She does not call me Master, and yet I still flinch at the sound of her voice. I give Fia an apologetic look to assure her that she… Hasn’t done wrong. Not in that moment, at least.

“I’m sorry.” Selescia opens with an unexpected apology of her own. “I turned the first night we were here over in my head and just took the lead. You asked us to come up with concessions or reservations we might have so that you could make a good impression on the Seers and I thought…” Her voice trails off, biting into her cheek as she clamps her mouth shut. After a moment, she signals wordless permission to reply.

First, I present a hand, laying mine within reach without any further prompting.

Snapdragon and Cerya have given me so much to think on. It is nice to finally have an opportunity to put into practice how I think I can guide my relationship with my dolls into a shape that addresses scars most would consider invisible.

As far as accommodations go, I’d like to find some way to convince them that they are under no obligation to me. “I’m not upset.” I say, keeping my voice warm and gentle.

Selescia snaps back as she folds her hands into her lap “I think it would be healthier if you were. I pushed myself at you instead of doing what you asked!”

I reach out my other hand to comfort Fia, who flinched away as an immediate response to Selescia raising her voice. But I keep my voice level even as I cast my memory back to our first night here. “Because you thought it would better convince the Seers that you are more than just a doll. I can understand your thinking at least.”

Selescia narrows her eyes. “So the end justifies the means? What makes me different? Why am I given a free pass to go against your words and hurt you when Astraea is not? Why do you put up with…” Again she bites back the next words, but a glance at Fia is all the allusion I need.

I meet her gaze unflinchingly. “No. When faced with pain, death, and punishment, the ends or means have long been defined for us. How are we supposed to trust that anything else will work?” Even here, in Lunaria, dissenting knowledge is consigned to flames instead of stonework. I reach instead for a more familiar explanation. “Our situation is why Lenore and I promised to take the both of you away from that horrid place.”

“As friends.” Fia whispers, distraught. “Nothing more. Not while you have the Seers and Snapdragon.”

A small subject change, but no matter. “What makes the both of you different is that you’ve both lived your entire lives knowing that you would be little more than blood to me and my siblings.” They both take my hands now as I speak, making my point for me but in ways I’m sure they think is reassuring. “I’m upset with Astraea because she intended to steal away Lenore and I, to deny me and anyone else a say in my fate. In doing so, she would leave the rest of you to fend for yourselves. And none of you are equipped for that.”

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

I hear their protests, having already largely expected what I would hear.

This is just how it is. Need it be so?

Why bother with us? Why waste your early development on conditioning and not teach you skills that would be useful to us beyond blood?

I simply shake my head in negation.

“It’s really quite simple, even if solutions are anything but. I’m the one who can take a spear to the heart and walk it off. It’s not fair that Astraea, my siblings, and I are capable of so much while the both of you were taught to be subservient. You two face consequences that swiftly become harsher and stricter than any accommodations that would seek to purchase my goodwill before I face any lasting reprisal. I just… Easing your burdens isn’t enough. I want better for the both of you.”

And just to drive the point home, I pry my hands from the grasp of my dolls with ease. Not that I’d hurt them when I know that they are very sensitive to how I sometimes respond to unwanted touch.

Both of them are quick to release me.

“I’d like to start over. With the both of you.” I say, uncertain of my words all of a sudden. “Astraea has a goddess to intercede on her behalf, for whatever that’s worth. But she should know better than to act in ways that decide what I’m allowed to do and be. I can’t expect that out of either of you. So I’d rather we be strangers.”

Fia shrinks away from me. “This one doesn’t think that’s fair.”

“I know. But we’re finally in a place where we can start to address that. I don’t want to be your Master or Mistress. If anything…” I find myself upset all of a sudden as I realize what I was about to say.

I’d rather be their protector, like Astraea.

“Very well.” Selescia decides to take my words in stride. “In that case I will strive to model myself after dolls kept by your elder siblings long enough to manage minor functions in running Vylia’s territories.”

I nod my head as I will myself to settle for Selescia volunteering to make herself useful in other ways. If anything, I could probably raise the topic of conversation with Threnodias. It is his dolls that Selescia is most likely thinking of, afterall.

I turn to Fia. “I know that last night took a lot out of you. But Snapdragon spoke quite highly of you.”

Predictably, a little praise is all Fia needs to perk up. What surprises me is a hint of suspicion in her expression. “This one has no desire to serve as a Watcher. This one is content with her place as your doll.”

Selescia is the one to offer her reassurance. “You realize that Ayre is still going to be expected to feed on us in order to guarantee their promise to us. We still have a role in the eyes of other Vylians that we can ill afford to be seen fulfilling.”

Fia gives me a pleading look before I encourage her to cling to once again cling to arm for comfort.

Maybe it’s better I offer her this last easily offered comfort as I negotiate this change. Besides, I could think of a few words I’ve long intended for Fia’s ears. “You and I have been through too much to part at this point. I need you to understand that I’m not trying to get rid of you.”

“If you say so.” Fia whispers, tightening her grip.

“Our relationship began with the two of us at each other’s throats in the depths of a place none of my closest siblings survived.” I reach out to gently take Fia by the chin and meet her gaze. “I am changing now because I want to, not because the rest of my wretched family demands it. To that end, just because I want to break this perception that you are a possession and resource to be used does not mean that you are unwanted.”

“This one isn’t sure it… she… I… sorry. This is not something that comes naturally to this one.” Fia glares her own defiant daggers in Selescia’s direction before continuing. “But, this one is aware that her words have hurt you. If you will allow this one a final indiscretion, you sounded like Astraea just now and this one doesn’t know if that was intended.”

I take a deep breath. “Yeah, you’re probably right. And just so we’re clear, I forgive you, Fia.” I mean it, without a second thought. “I just want to guarantee as much independence for the three of us as I can. If speaking as a doll remains the most comfortable, don’t let Selescia adapting how she speaks or anything I’m going through pressure you to change who you are, okay?”

“If that is an order, then this one will comply.” Fia stammers out before blinking thrice in quick succession. “Oh! So long as this one can remain yours, of course.”

I fight against the urge to sigh. “If that is what you want, we’ll resolve whatever gets in the way of that. But we’ll agree together, not because I’m giving you orders to do so.”

“Oh.” Fia says with a smile that falters. “This one will… Try, at least.”

“That’s all I think I can ask at this point.” I assure her. “I’m sorry if none of this is what you want to hear.”

“No Princess.” Fia says, catching me off guard with the change in address. “Selescia helped this one understand some things. But this one is going to need some time to adapt to being yours while not being owned.”

“Take all the time you need. Okay? I meant it when I said that I wanted the two of you to come up with accommodations and concessions that make the both of you feel more comfortable around me.”

Fia nods her understanding. “This one would like to not be fed upon while I… While this one thinks about everything.”

“Of course. Easily granted.” I say, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. Hearing her list a single request is enough for me to feel relief that I’m handling this well. “Cerya can apparently arrange for me to be supplied with other blood sources if it is needed.” I turn to Selescia, unsure how much Fia caught her up on. “Fia here is already aware of some high and mighty Watcher intending to capture a Naga for the purposes of impressing me.”

Selescia raises an eyebrow before giving me a thoughtful look. “But you’re not going to replace us entirely to avoid any chance at us being given to another of your siblings”

I laugh before shaking my head. “No, of course not. I could never replace the two of you. Nor could I stand by and watch as someone attempts to take or hurt you. If anything I’m just as hesitant to feed on some stranger made prisoner for the purposes of prolonging my body’s changes.”

Selescia loops a finger through her hair as she gives me a pointed look. “In that case, we’ll welcome this third doll of yours with open arms.”

She successfully cracks through my composure by eliciting a grimace. “From this point forward, the two of you are dolls in name only. I can’t force us to be equals, but I think it would be healthier if we had some long talks about what each of us is and isn’t okay with.”

“Ah.” Selescia intones. “It didn’t take you long to slip back into making demands, did it? Mistress.”

I wince, but the teasing smile she flashes at me is enough to respond in kind. “Teasing is an acceptable start. Just be mindful that this is all just something to think about until my siblings depart from the grove.”

“Of course.” Selescia rises to her feet. “In that case I must insist that we continue this conversation while preparing you for the day’s ceremonies. I’ve been told that your dress might not fit you comfortably. It might cost some aesthetics, but I could probably cut and resew if more room is needed in places.”

She takes to commanding me around quickly enough at least.

“I’d appreciate that.” I say in reply.

Fia is quick to help me to my feet.

I almost forget to turn back and grab the hand mirror.

And in that brief lapse of aversion, I see my mother reflected back at me in the shadows cast by the dim light of the room’s glimmer stones..

My heart skips a beat.

Discomfort stretches between one heartbeat and another, intensifying as something else about my biology picks up the slack. Blood is forced through my veins with an intensity and casual disdain for my heart’s momentary lapse of purpose.

I blink, and the moment passes.

But an unkind thought lingers. And where there is one, others are quick to follow.

What if I am the unwanted parasite clinging to a body long ago cleaved into two?

For what reason or purpose were Lenore and I stitched back together as one?

Why grant us the necessity, let alone the unknown capacity, to drain the lives of others?

If I’m to even begin to understand the shadow cast by my mother's unknown intent, I’ll need to start by making myself presentable for the siblings I must confront.

But first, it’s time to take a long look in the mirror as I confront everything I am becoming.