We wove through the art gallery aisles of yuppie indulgence like snakes and ladders. The snake? Professor Marvell. I was the idiot crawling up the ladder. I’d have to climb a few rungs before destroying it.
For all my eye-rolling I couldn't deny the academy was luxurious. Surrounded by palm trees, sparkling waters, sandy courtyards, and cawing seagulls yacking on dead fish. Paradise to some humans. The academy was built on a private island erased from every existing public record. When you’re educating the world’s finest superheroes, it's best to keep them off the grid—let alone off Google maps. Getting to the academy required security clearance, or money, or the power of flight—all of which most regular humans didn't have. The academy grounds did a good job of emulating a classic “tropical getaway”. The key term being “getaway” there are plenty of sinners born on plastic beaches who’d hop on a life raft to the “land of the free”.
But is anywhere really free? That’s the funny thing about humans, they always believe they can get something for nothing. They think there’s somewhere “free” to get to. Some beautiful oasis on the horizon, and they go to any lengths to get there. They lie, cheat, slaughter and maim their way to so-called paradise. Their history can be boiled down to chasing sunsets while wading through blood. But the problem is they end up six feet deep and come face to face with the real paradise they fought so hard for. Much hotter, darker, and longer than they bargained for. That’s the only paradise where the sun never sets. I was happy I crawled out when I did.
“Do you have your own clothing Damian?”
“Barry” I corrected her. “And no, the trenchcoat getup is all I’ve got.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Nah, I got it through a trade deal.”
“Really?”
I fluffed out the coat proudly. “This homeless sinner was wearing it, on Earth. I offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse.”
Professor Marvel opened her mouth, as if wanting to ask, but ultimately didn’t. Strange, maybe she was afraid of the answer I’d give, but I knew she was interested. There’s a scent that humans give off when they’re tempted by something that they consider shameful. Humans are smelly creatures because of this, but they don’t all smell the same. At that moment she smelled like a bowl of blackened compost. I didn’t react to the smell though, lest we forget I was raised in Hell. Dante forgot to mention it has the pleasant aroma of hot garbage, so I'm used to it. Granted, only demons can smell the human stench of temptation, so I’ll give him a pass.
“I gave him a free ticket to heaven.” I answered for her.
Professor Marvel flinched, “Oh…”
“He was gonna get there anyway, but humans never know, y’know.” I grinned. “A coat for some eternal peace of mind is pretty generous as far as demon standards go.” I snickered, “Tickets to heaven can’t be given out by demons anyway.”
She steepled her hands together, “Yes, but Damia—Barry. Remember that under this roof you are abiding by resolute superhero standards from now on.”
La-di-dah, what the hell were superhero standards? Never kill a sinner but sentence them to a lifetime of hospital bills? Still, I played along. “Sure thing.”
“And you’ll be accommodated with a school uniform. We’ll have it delivered to you in your room before students arrive tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I echoed. “I thought the school year wouldn't start until next week.”
She smiled, “We have something called ‘Orientation week’ Mister Hellborn. A week of activities dedicated to new students at the academy, held to prepare them for their first academic year. To socialize and make friends.”
Iggy jostled around in my hair, “Friends?! Friends?! Damian salt of the sauna Hellborn making friends?!”
Professor Marvel peered down at Iggy like he was a pile of seagull shit in my hair. “Is there a problem with that?”
“No lady, it's just impossible. Have you ever heard of a demon fucking socializing, having fun, and making friends?! Yeah I remember that chapter in the Bible, right between the book of David and delusional.”
Iggy leaned closer to my ear and said in a lower voice “Seriously you've had your fun sir. Can we ditch this coconut stand already?”
I rolled my eyes, “No, we’re staying.”
“What? What do you mean ‘we’re staying’? You had your fun touching the stove now let's go—”
“Iggy. Shut up.” And then I looked at Professor Marvell. “Could you give us a moment?”
She gave an amused look, as if I just told her my favorite flavor of crayon. “You do know I have super hearing.”
Iggy patted his sticky hand on my forehead. “Oh he knows, but he has a case of super stupid.”
“Thanks Iggy.” I turned away from Marvella anyway. “We’re not leaving, you get it?”
“So what's the angle then? You gonna be making friendship bracelets next? Or skipping through the halls holding hands with humans?”
I looked at Professor Marvel with as polite a grin as I could muster, and then turned away. “Y-yes.” My chompers clenched so tightly together they could've decapitated a statue. “I'm going to stay, and get acquainted with the students.”
“You're gonna make friends.”
“Iggy.”
“The Damian Hellborn.”
“Shut up.”
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“Is going to make.”
“Don't say it—”
“Friends.” He cooed. “Human friends. Mortal friends. How adorable sir.”
My body writhed at the teasing but my voice didn't waver. “Are you done Ignio?”
He cleared his throat. “For now, yes.”
“Great…” I turned back to Professor Marvell, who we all knew heard that entire exchange even without the super hearing.
“You’ll have to excuse my hellizard, but he’s right. Demons don’t need friends, never have. Especially not human ones.”
Her eye twitched, “Well, it’s not required that you make friends, human or otherwise. We do have students and faculty from different planets and dimensions, mind you.”
“No offense Marvella, I know you're some sort of alien ah… Gregorian?”
“Phryronian.”
“Right, right, you're basically a human in my eyes.” I shrugged. “It's just a catch-all.”
“My race and culture is not a catch-all equivalent to the planetary inhabitants of Earth. I am a proud citizen of Phyron.”
“Well last I checked your planet got blown to bits so the loyalty to it is kinda moot. Plus you look just like a human. I don't know what to tell yah. It'd just be easier to call you one.”
Professor Marvell stiffened. “We’ll agree to disagree. But you need to be in uniform tomorrow Damian, and not in a stolen trench coat.”
“But, it wasn’t stolen—”
“A counterfeit scam is tantamount to stealing on Earth, Mister Hellborn. You’ll be acquainted with how we ‘humans’ see things in time. Mmm… admittedly you would benefit from partaking in Orientation week to understand the culture up here. And if you do anything against the rules based on ‘demon standards’ we are not going to excuse your actions based on cultural differences. The rules apply to everyone here equally, understand?”
“What am I, deaf? You said that already—”
“We’re here.” She gestured her arm towards a door. We wandered all the way to the dormitory building and stopped at Room 111. “Here is your key.” She procured it from her jacket and plopped it unceremoniously into my claws. “Your student I.D, meal plan card, and everything else will be in the package inside the room.”
“The fuck—how did you guys do that so fast?”
“Our administration has its ways.” She smiled. “As I said, we’re not all weak humans like you’ve encountered, Mister Hellborn. Don’t underestimate us.” She said that last bit with a flash of laser red in her eyes. Like a passing flashlight through the bars of a jail cell. Then she turned around and walked down the hall. “Feel free to get comfortable for today. Tomorrow I hope you’ll join us for Orientation.” She called back.
Iggy snickered again, “Schmoozing with sinners. What’s next? Weddings with worms? Partying with plankton? Checkers with chipmunks?”
“So you weren't done.”
“I said ‘for now’. And I’m just saying, this plan is ridiculous.”
I inserted the key into the door. “Thanks Iggy, your unwavering positive attitude is mesmerizing in the face of adversity.”
As I opened the door I clicked on the light. The academy dorm room was a far-cry from my bedroom in Hell. It was cozy, adorned with vibrant, leafy motifs and warm, earthy tones. The walls were soothing shades of green and beige. A large windowed door to a balcony let the sun set flood in, revealing a picturesque view of the swaying palm trees and clear blue skies. I remember my mind went blank for a good while staring at it. Three minutes? Five? I'm still not entirely sure how human time works. But I couldn't help it. I was lost in the shades of orangey blues and purpley pinks blending together on the ocean waves. I'd never seen anything like it back in Hell. My claws unclasped the windowed door and I slid open the glass pane. I walked all the way to the railing, leaning my arms against the wood. The wind tousled my hair, and I had a brief feeling of peace wash over me—like the tides of the ocean.
Iggy wrapped his tail around my horn and dangled in front of my face.
“Why do you even care about the academy? You’re free! Look at all of this!” He turned around to gesture his little arms into the horizon. “Open air, clear skies, the world at your claws. You got out of Hell Damian, every demon’s dream. And the big guy doesn't even know it! I could've said something y’know but I thought ‘He’s never seen the surface, why take that from him?’ I did that for you, and this is your chance to cause some carnage. Maybe even impress big red? You could torment some sinners for fun. Maybe even put some of those supervillains six feet in the ground. Devil knows the supers won't do it.”
“You don't get it Iggy.” I blew a strand of hair out of my face, causing him to swing around. “No matter how many humans I kill there will always be more. Humans are born every day, every second. The Earth is infested with them, I can't kill one measly pest at a time. Besides, I'd be found out and dragged back to Hell before you could say ‘Mephistopheles did it’. And what is there to explore huh? Earth’s got humans crawling all over it, and you know they’re all pests, vermin, fucking insects.” I felt my face get hotter at the thought of it all. Those hairless primates get all of this beautiful water and sunlight at birth. I gripped the wood, my claws digging into it. “Why did they get to live on the surface huh!?” My voice echoed across the beach. “All because mister high and mighty God created them? They don’t even care about how good they’ve got it up here. They just keep making everything worse with their incessant pollution and violence and chaos. Fuck!”
Iggy dropped himself from my horn and landed on the railing. “Yeesh, would you calm down? Is that what all of this is about? Exterminate the human race by going to super school?”
“Fat chance. I kill one human and big red would know.” I chuckled. “But you’re close. I need to figure out what these supers want, use their temptations against them, and then I’ll take what’s mine.”
Iggy grumbled, “I wish you'd just tell me what your plan is Damian. What if it's fucking stupid like last time?”
“Hey, that still worked.”
“Because Marvella underestimates you. C’mon you got lucky and you know it. Just tell me and then I'll stop bugging yah about it.”
I slouched over the railing. “All you’ve been saying is that my ideas are stupid and we should go on a reckless killing spree. Why should I bother telling you?”
“Because I'm your royal advisor brimstone for brains. Or did you forget that?”
I sighed. The gravity of my thoughts sunk to the pit of my stomach. I was locked in place, a dizzying sickness took hold, it felt like I could've puked a pile of molten lava rocks but not so. Instead words dislodged themselves from my throat and the pebbles of truth tumbled off my tongue.
“I want all the demons to go to heaven.” Iggy blinked at me, no quips to be had, but the avalanche inside me took over. “Every single one. Heaven. That's where we fucking belong. I’m throwing the angels in hell. They've had it made for too long, Iggy. Since the dawn of time they got the clouds and we got the flames. We’re the over-glorified janitors of God’s greatest mess—humanity.” I wiped at my face again, more shitty makeup came off. Even the color of human flesh made my blood boil enough as it was. “If they didn't fuck up so much Hell never would've had to exist, or even superheroes for that matter.”
“Psh, as if they're the same thing.” Iggy remarked. “So what's the plan with the humans then?”
“They’re getting the flames,” I replied. “Every last one of them, dead or alive. They're all sinners who never deserved Earth. They only deserve the never-ending pain and suffering that I was born into.”
Iggy whistled, “So they'll be in hell with the angels and you'll be in heaven with the rest of the demons? Don't you think God might be—oh I don't know—pissed off about that? Or even the big red guy ruling everything?”
“He's a coward.” I crossed my arms. “He won't do anything because of the deal he struck with his pathetic sky daddy. God likes his broken system just the way it is. We've got to topple it, Iggy. All of it, the whole fucking system is rigged. They might not give a shit that demons got the raw deal, but I sure fucking do. I don't want us all trapped in Hell forever. I want salvation for our kind.”
“By attending superhero school?” He tilted his head. “I'm not seeing the connection.”
“You will,” I grinned. “I just need a lot of remarkable, powerful souls under my thumb. A fuck ton of ‘em, and then we can cause some real carnage.”