"Your last name is 'Badass'?" The secretary peered at me from her desk. "Barry Badass?"

"That's correct," I replied, probably with the most shit-eating grin of all time. Hell, I’m supposed to bullshit a whole new identity for myself—so why not have some fun with it?

"I see." She cleared her throat. "Well mister... Badass, ahem. Professor Marvell will be ready for you shortly, please take a seat over there." 

Her voice was so damn hoity-toity, kind of like one of those sinners from Wall Street. She wasn't some slick-suited boot licker though, she was more like a librarian from the 80's. With her beehive hairdo, little glasses perched off her nose, and her nails going clickety-clack-clack on the keyboard. Yeah, it was annoying, and I wanted to cover my ears. Problem was I would've risked knocking Ignio off my horns. 

As I headed over to the seats I whispered, "How are you holding up man?" 

The hellizard gasped, his strained little body reverberated through my demonic horns—he was using his chromatophoric scales to hide them. 

"B-Barry Badass? Are you fucking kidding me?" 

"Hey c'mon Iggy, I thought it was pretty mint." 

"Damian. This isn't a game." He hissed. "We're trying to get your demonic ass to super school without raising any suspicion." 

"Yeah, I used alliteration and everything. What's your problem?" I bit my lip to keep from laughing. 

"You really think 'Barry Badass' is going to get into Marvell Academy?" 

"I don't know Iggy, I think my chances would skyrocket if you shut the hell up." I snapped. 

The secretary gave me a weird look. I could only hope she didn't have some superhearing powers. Iggy shifted on my head. 

"Fine, I'll shut up, but the next time we have to put on a crappy disguise, you'll be the one perched on my head stretched out like taffy." 

"Noted, you're doing a great job bud." 

"Oh I'm trying, but we’d need some infernal intervention for this to work—" 

"Thanks Iggy. Loving that vote of confidence. Now kindly shut up." 

He wasn't wrong though; this disguise was ass. There was a glass top coffee table right by my knees and my horrific reflection slapped me upside the head. I looked so freakish with skin color makeup. It had to be caked on to conceal the crimson face underneath. I even had to wear mirrored shades to disguise my black and red eyes and gloves to cover my claws. It was for the mission but like—I've met serial killers who looked more inconspicuous. The only thing that stayed the same was my hair, still a shaggy black mop. 

"Professor Marvell will see you now." The secretary announced. 

I got up and shoved my hands in my trench coat pockets. Yeah yeah, I had a trenchcoat on too, I had to hide the demon tail poking out of my ass. Anyway, I said thanks and I strode into her office. 

----------------------------------------

It was a cozy place, humble. Never would've guessed it belonged to the most powerful superhero in the world. But it did, had a desk, one of those black spinning chairs, and her name on a placard. 

"Professor May Marvell." 

The legend herself. Of all things, she was wearing a pristine white suit with a red tie—had her fancy 'M' icon on the knot. Her hair was in one of those elegant warrior braids, which seemed at odds with the professional look. I was more used to seeing her in the sexy red and white armor getup that cupped her boobs... the suit threw me for a loop. She glanced up at me with a smile. 

"Why hello there Barry. Come sit, don't be shy." Her voice was comforting, motherly, like honey being poured in my ears. But I couldn't let my guard down. I had to pretend to be a squeaky-clean human in front of an almighty alien super soldier who could kill me with her eyes. 

"Hi." I squeaked. 

Yeah, I was surprised too, but the pressure got to my voice. I sat down after my out-of-nowhere voice crack and leaned back in my seat. Professor Marvell regarded me like I was some lost puppy she found in a box. Folding her hands under her chin she leaned in. 

"So Barry, you're interested in becoming a superhero. Why is that?" 

I chuckled. "Wow, you don't waste time do yah Marvella?" 

"Oh of course not Barry. And, in the future, call me Professor Marvell hm? Marvella is for when I'm donning my cape." Her smile widened, but in the plastic sort of way I've seen from Hollywood sinners. 

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

So I gave her a nod, "Sure thing Professor Marvell. Well to answer your question, I want to become a hero to help people of course." I flashed her a grin. "The world is filled with villains and criminals. It'd be irresponsible of me if I didn't do my part to protect people. What good are powers if you can't do good with 'em?" She tilted her head, hands still steepled together. 

"Yes, but why not go out into the world and pursue your vigilante justice by yourself? Why come here? Attend this school? How would it help you with your goals?" 

The question slugged me across the jaw. Barry Badass could've worn some stupid costume and kept punching bad guys for the good of mankind—or some poetic crap like that. But Damian Hellborn? My goals were the exact opposite of that. My plans involved attending the school but getting good grades wasn't on the agenda. My M.O. would've gotten me K.O.-ed. Reeling back, I gave a soft chuckle. 

"Well... I'd be terrible at it by myself. I don't have much experience—" 

"Not according to your history, Barry Badass." She added the name with a dash of venom. "It says here you've already stopped seven kidnappings, four armed robberies, eleven high speed car chases, and nine attempted murders." 

Ignio trembled against my skull. 

Did I put too much on my fake transcripts? Maybe, maybe not, but I was just trying to get my tail through the door. C'mon, who hasn't lied a little about themselves on paper? 

I swallowed, "Oh please Professor, that's nothing compared to the graduates from here. Stopping cataclysmic, world-ending threats. The teams here are absolute forces of nature, keeping the apocalyptic events at bay. That's monumental in comparison to stopping petty thievery and saving cats from trees." 

"Wrong. I can understand your lack of perspective, you're not used to being amongst our kind." Her eyes flickered. "But if you are to attend this school there is no hierarchy of heroism. No matter where you've come from, Earth or otherwise, if you're willing to do good deeds and use your powers responsibly then that is all that matters and I will see to it you are respected as a regular student. But..." She planted a hand on the desk and towered over me. "If you do anything suspicious or devious like harming a student or faculty member, you will be brought to justice. I would personally see to it." Her irises changed from a warm brown to vibrant, glowing, laser-red. "And not as Professor Marvell. Do I make myself clear?" 

I flinched, I still had my clothes on but felt like I’d been stripped naked. Yet under her gaze I was getting deep-fried in death-threat. 

"Are we clear?" She repeated in a much lower tone. 

I should've been terrified at the possibility of getting a laser-lobotomy from America's sweetheart, but instead I laughed. 

"Crystal, Professor Marvell. Crystal, crystal clear. But I do have one question." 

"Go on." 

"Do you interview all your potential students like this or just the kids from the 'wrong side of the tracks?'" I finger-quoted. 

The tension in the room snapped like a spine. With a flick of her eyebrow she said, "I interview all my students. So long as you are still interested in learning at Marvell Academy and doing those good deeds you touted, Mr. Badass." She winked. 

For a moment, I forgot that name wasn't something stupid I made up. The burning in my cheeks made my makeup sizzle like pancake batter. Ignio jostled atop my head from the steam. I could've tried to cover my face but I didn't bother. 

"Don't sweat it Iggy. She's figured it out. You can relax man." The hellizard collapsed on my head in a heap. 

"Damian!" He let out a cough. "You had one job! One job!" 

"Hey it's fine Iggy. I can still go here..." I looked at her. "I can still go here, right?" 

Professor Marvell placed a hand under her elbow. "You wouldn't have made it to my office if I deemed you a legitimate threat to the academy—you're a single teenage demon." 

"Ouch, you don't have to rub in the relationship status." 

"I meant you are alone in a tactical sense Damian. If you alone were to launch any kind of assault on the school it would be dealt with before you could say 'ragnarok'." 

"Who's to say I am alone? Maybe I've got a secret hit squad in the—"

"You don't." 

I wanted to prove her wrong, say I'd duped her and have an army of hell burst through the doors. I could've imagined a bunch of the underworld's finest swinging through the windows or teleporting in from pentagram portals, it would've been awesome… but I knew that wasn't happening. It was just me on the surface-world. The one slippery demon who crawled out of Hell for a good dose of payback. 

"Shucks, got me there." I laughed bitterly. "What was your first clue?" 

She gave me a look. "'Barry Badass'. Do you know our school motto, Mr. Hellborn?" 

"Don't kill bad guys unless you're edgy?" 

"No. Our motto is 'Everyone can be a hero'." 

I squinted at her. "Uh... oh right." And nodded like she said something profound. "Yes, that's very inspiring, thanks." 

If that were true no one would need super-powered spandex patsies saving rotten humans from hell. But it wasn't, and I didn't come to the academy to do any of that do-gooder shit. 

She continued, "I understand you had to lie to get here Mr. Hellborn, but you would benefit from allowing yourself to be... yourself. You're safe here." 

Lie of the century. I slipped off a glove to wipe a glob of melted makeup. 

"Pass, hard pass Professor." The color of skin tone sizzled on my fingers. I waved it in front of her for extra measure. "I'm a freak show even amongst your school's standards. So if it's all the same to you, I'd be more comfortable as Barry Badass rather than Damian Hellborn." 

Her smile faded, "If you insist, but I do recommend you take our Stealth 101 class. I'm sure if Professor Grimm saw your disguise he'd finally laugh for once." 

Ignio rustled around my hair snickering like a schoolgirl. "See? Told you it sucked."