Chapter 4

Suzi woke in post-coital bliss, naked in her bed, with the soft cotton sheet pulled over her body. She recalled the events of the night before and a huge smile spread across her face. She stretched. As her feet pulled the sheets down, it exposed her breasts to the air. Her body hurt, but in a good way that made her want more. She craved more. Something had awoken inside her. He had awoken something inside her. Something carnal. Something primal.

“Lord, that man knows what he is doing,” the slutty Annie personality sighed in satisfaction.

She realized Aiden was not in bed. She sat up and called for him. No reply. She hopped out of bed, grabbed an oversized T-shirt from her closet, and slid open the barn door partition.

On the kitchen island lay a single rose. The base blazed red, a passionate fire that yielded to the tender warmth of orange, and finally surrendered to the soft yellow at the tips. Suzi’s gaze lingered on the delicate gradient, each hue a brushstroke of longing and memory.

Beneath the rose rested a tented note, its paper creased from Aiden’s touch. The ink bore the curves of his handwriting, a script that danced between vulnerability and resolve. Suzi’s heart raced as she traced the contours of each letter, her fingertips brushing against the weight of his words.

Judas -

Judas—the name echoed through her mind, a bittersweet melody. Aiden had christened her thus, an accidental, dyslexic, spoonerism twist of fate during their college days. His TA role had thrust them together, and in that serendipitous moment of roll call, their eyes had locked—a collision of souls that left him fleeing the room, overwhelmed by emotions he couldn’t name, causing him to get sick. Suzi knew then that their destinies were entwined, that she would follow him into the labyrinth of love and marriage.

Last night was amazing. The memory surged, a tempest of desire and vulnerability. Their bodies had woven together, skin against skin, and the universe had held its breath. She tasted the salt of his skin, felt the rhythm of his heartbeat, and surrendered to the gravity of their shared history.

Judas –

Last night was amazing. You are amazing. You’ve always been a fantastic woman. I don’t assume you want to get back together, and last night was just emotions and circumstance. I still love you with all of my heart and will do so until the day I die. Seeing you in that hospital bed made me realize that. I know you want to be independent and I won’t grovel. I’ve always been yours, but I must move on with my life. You’ve done well, and you seem happy here. I’m proud of you. I never wanted to push you. I just wanted you to be happy.

I’ve fed Yiggs and taken her out. There are fresh blueberry scones in the oven for you. I’ve gone to pick up Rio and check out of the hotel. We’ll be back about noon. I’d like us to hang out for your birthday if that is alright.

Happy Birthday.

Always Yours,

-Me

The note was endearing, but it pissed her off. She wanted to be with him. She wanted him here with her. After last night, she wanted him again and again. She still loved him. She thought about him daily. This was not about asserting her independence but following her dreams. He made her schoolgirl dream of finding romance and a family a reality, but she could not break into the death industry in the rural farming communities of southwest Missouri. The funeral homes there were all family-owned and generations deep in nepotism. Not to mention, Suzi did not fit the picture of a gaunt, straight-laced, aged man with white or no hair.

She’s had a calling to funeral work ever since she was a child and had wandered into the morgue of the hospital where her mom worked and saw her first dead body. She could not have been more than five then. The coroner was polite and friendly and answered all her questions about what he was doing and what that thing was or what this thing did.

No, she did not have the life she wanted. No, this move did not have all the answers for her, but she was an embalmer and a funeral director now. Maybe with experience under her belt, the funeral homes in Missouri would take her seriously.

Suzi’s phone beeped. Then beeped again. And again. And again.

She pulled a scone from the oven and popped half into her mouth. Her eyes rolled towards the ceiling and her knees went weak.

“God damn, he’s a good cook,” she said through a mouthful of blueberry-filled cake.

She ran to the bedroom and flopped on her bed hoping the messages were from Aiden. Just the thought of him texting her put a big, silly grin on her face.

“Pull it together, woman,” the hateful, emotionless, no-nonsense J personality told her. “You are infatuated.”

She was mildly disheartened when the messages were not from Aiden but from Reed, Rio’s twin brother, wishing her a happy birthday, followed by a GIF of an elderly woman trying to blow out candles on a cake and her dentures falling out. That was followed by a text saying he loved her and hoped she was doing okay, and he was sorry he couldn’t be here. The final text was a picture of Reed, his girlfriend, Kara, and Ruby.

Ruby, Rio’s first dog, was two years older than Ygritte. A mix of Rottweiler, Labrador, and American Pitbull, Ruby was the Yin to Ygritte’s Yang. Ygritte was white, hyper-active, excitable, and showed affection. Ruby, on the other hand, was completely black, calm, relatively lazy (unless you threw a ball), and did not show affection to anyone. They often surmised that she might be somewhere on the Canine-autistic spectrum if such a thing existed. After Rio moved out, Aiden and Suzi kept Ruby. And now just Aiden keeps her.

She sent back, ‘Thank you, baby. I am fine. I love you all too.’

Suzi dropped her phone on the bed, ate the last of the scone, and went into the bathroom. She flipped on the light and stared into the mirror. Her hair was a mess—of course, it was. It was wet when she went to bed last night. Last night…. A smile crept across her face and her entire body.

“You’ve got it bad, honey,” the flamboyant James said of her newfound infatuation with Aiden.

“A married woman should love and cherish her husband and not be ashamed if he brings her happiness,” the dutiful wife persona, Suzanne stated.

“And what a ha-PENIS he brought us,” joked the slutty Annie.

Suzi reminisced over the events of the night before. She lost count of how many orgasms she had. She had not been with anyone else since she left Aiden. She had needs that she satisfied on her own on occasion, but even that had not happened in many months. She thought back. Many, many months. Over a year.

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What about him? Had he been with anyone else? Two and a half years is a long time for anyone, especially a man with a strong libido. What if last night was not as good for him as it was for her? She used to be a selfish lover. Was she still? Usually, this type of train of thought would trigger an anxiety attack, and she braced for it. But it never came. She breathed.

Nothing.

No anxiety.

No rapid heart rate.

No shortness of breath.

No asthma.

No depression.

She stared into her eyes in the mirror, leaning in, as if she did not recognize herself. Supporting herself on the sink, she leaned in further, peering into her eyes. Aiden always said he fell in love with her eyes, but Suzi had never really looked this deep into them. Her irises were royal blue with gold around the pupils. She stared. She became mesmerized, looking so deep into her eyes that her environment clouded and eventually went black.

Almost as if a new consciousness arose, Suzi was floating in a black void. Although she had heard them all and could perceive them before now, she could, for the first time, see her other personalities in this place. Each one in their own room, if the rooms were like little apartments, arranged around a central courtyard of consciousness. The front of each room was ripped off, where each persona could see and perceive every other persona there. Each personality, with their own belongings and their own style, had at least one thing in common – a fantastic platinum blond and/or pink hairstyle.

In the first, topmost room was herself - her ‘Suzi’ persona – leaning on the sink, staring into the mirror. This was her default and likely her original, oldest personality. Lover of music, Aiden, and funeral work because it helps others cope. Driver of guilt. She was destined to save the world. She had always thought that ‘Suzi’ was the decider of the group, but if ‘Suzi’ was just another persona, that threw that into question. Suzi sported her standard short, platinum blonde, with a bright pink-tipped faux hawk.

In the next room was ‘Suzanne’. Devoted wife and mother. Fiercely loyal, but jealous. Aiden comes first in all things to this persona. Loves to travel and laugh and adventure. Animal lover. Loves the color pink. Shares a love of funeral work, but more for the personal connection aspect. Suzanne’s hair was always more conservative, usually with curls and blonder with fewer pink highlights.

‘Judith’ was in the following room. The snooty, stuck-up, snob of the collective. She thinks she is better than everyone else and has expensive tastes to prove it—the epitome of an intelligent, high-class businesswoman wearing expensive fashion and Louboutin heels. She does not condone the shaved head or tattoos but enjoys the pain. She is the dominatrix. She would never admit when she is wrong. Determined to run her own funeral home. Her hairstyle is always a professional pixie cut, all blond, with only a stripe of pink.

In the next room was sultry, sexy, slutty ‘Annie’. Annie should have a warning label. The nymphomaniac of the team, she loves sex, shopping, and getting high. She is very childish and acts like a brat most of the time, with adult-sized temper tantrums accompanying her fits. If it has to do with sex, or it's shiny or sparkles, she wants it. If it will get her high or drunk, she’ll do it. If it combines getting plastered and laid, she’ll probably come back for more. Her hair is longer and pulled up in half-blonde and bright pink pigtails.

The next room was full of extravagant, colorful, over-the-top clothes and gaudy jewelry. This was home to ‘James,’ the gay, black man of the group. James is vibrant, flamboyant, and fabulous with a massive attitude. Also a lover of animals, James detests anyone who disregards or participates in animal abuse. The anal play with Aiden wasn’t bad either. James' hair is all deep pink, almost magenta, and styled in a very curly mohawk.

‘Ralph,’ or ‘Ralphie Boy’ as her father called her, was in the next room—the quintessential best friend. ‘Ralph’ would hold your hair while you vomited, help you bury a body, steal a car, or be a shoulder to cry on in times of need. She was more a woman of action than of words. The kindest, gentlest of the bunch, but very rarely spoke. She donned a half-shaved, half-long hair head with a pink base and blond tips.

In the following room was ‘Spike’. Spike was stuck in the late-80s and early- to mid-90s. If there were such a thing as pink goth or pink grunge, that would be Spike’s décor of choice. Music should be loud, and hair should be louder. She sees beauty in everything, everywhere she goes, and finds positivity in every situation, even if it's highly inappropriate. Spike values relationships, and in the past, this has been what made them stay friends with all of their exes. Spike loves her hair in, you may have guessed, spikes. The taller and stiffer, the better. She loves a perfect ombre fade from white to magenta.

Suzi noticed that the four remaining rooms were considerably darker.

‘J’. J is the firewall. No nonsense, calculating, and cautious. Brooding and seething and always on guard. J will cut someone out of her life without warning after one lie or manipulation. Often confuses someone being wrong or sharing misinformation they believed to be true as lying. She is not out to impress but survives to protect them and find inner peace, even if that means saying ‘goodbye’ to people who bring out the worst. J’s hair is unkempt, but still sporty with a good, even mix of pink and blond.

The negative ‘Judy’ was in the next occupied room. The spawning place for all of their self-doubt, self-loathing, and pity parties. Judy hated everything and everyone. The embodiment of a hateful bitch that spreads negativity and pessimism. Judy does not permit pink hair because it is stupid and looks bad on her. She also does not like the platinum blonde and is always wanting to do away with that as well.

The next room was dark. Suzi could feel a presence, but it was as if the light was being absorbed, not just off. It was not permitted to leave the boundaries of this room. This was her primal self—a new self that was yet to be fully aware—a protector, a warrior. Looking into this abyss of a room gave her a sense of strength and power.

The final room was cold and empty. No light. No life. No other self. Was this death? This confused Suzi.

“That’s awesome! There is a vacancy!” the Spike persona observed.

Ralph added, “I don’t feel good about this.”

Finally, this place itself seemed infinitesimal yet infinite at the same time. She could see all of her personas with such clarity, and she saw them all (with the exception of the one super-dark room and the empty room) interacting with each other and talking as if they were all old friends. This place had to be in her mind or her subconscious, but why is she now here? Why can she see it and not before?

Reality came jolting back into perception as Aiden’s mouth was on hers, and his hands were on her chest. He was not kissing her, nor was he fondling her breasts. Her chest hurt. She was not in the bathroom. She was on the bedroom floor. He was giving her CPR. She coughed and sat up and slightly pushed him away.

“What happened?” she gasped. She felt that her cheek was wet.

“Oh, thank God!” Aiden sobbed. He sat on the floor with his back against the bed, wiping the tears from his face.

“…No, she’s awake now,” she heard Rio cry. “Thank you. Uh-huh. G’bye.”

This was followed by the tell-tale beep of a cell phone disconnecting a call.

“How long was I out?” Suzi asked, catching her breath, and rubbing her chest.

“We got here about five minutes ago. You were in some trance on the bathroom floor and not breathing.”

Suzi realized Aiden had put a blanket from the bed over her lower half as she was still naked, except for the t-shirt she was wearing.

“An ambulance is on their way to take you back to the hospital,” Rio said, standing beside the barn door.

“I think I’m fine,” Suzi said, sitting up. “I don’t want to go back to the hospital.”

“You scared us to death,” Aiden said. He tried to say something else, but his mouth would not let him.

“It was so weird--” Suzi started, remembering the place she had just visited. “What time is it?” she asked no one in particular.

She stood and allowed the blanket to drop, exposing her stunning nakedness. She stood in front of Aiden and bent over him to get her phone off the bed. Rio rolled her eyes and went to the couch where Ygritte lay, concerned, with her ears laid back and her jowls turned down.

“It’s about 12:30,” she heard Aiden say as she felt his hand on her calf move up to her knee and thigh.

Suzi looked at her phone. 12:23 p.m. It had been nearly two hours since she had texted Reed. She also had a missed call and text from Aiden.

“What was weird?” he added.

“I’m not sure,” she surmised in a confused tone. She ignored his attention, turned, returned to the bathroom, and shut the door.

He heard the shower start, stood up, and wiped his face. Ygritte licked Rio’s tears off as Rio rubbed the dog’s face and kissed her nose.

Suzi stood in the shower and let the hot water run over her. Her mind raced. What was that place? How did two hours pass in just a few seconds? She washed herself as she continued to ponder. When she was done, she shut off the water and pulled open the curtain. The room was filled with steam. She dried her hair and wrapped a towel around her. A single word was written in the condensation collected on the mirror. Aiden used to do this when they were married –

“We are still married to him!” Suzanne stated in her head.

From that place.

Aiden used to do this when they lived together – write a message or a heart on the mirror. She did not hear him come in while she was showering, but the word definitely came from him.

Judas.