(All of the deaths I've gone through in the past were easier to move on from with time, but I don't think losing Inari is something that will ever go away. I don't think this scar will even heal. It will continue bleeding, because my very heart and the blood it circulates belong to her. She so valiantly gave them to me. She was...magnificent, glorious in every breath she took and every smile she gave. I hope the gods feel how colder and darker Heaven is without her.)
Osamu, unable to sleep, sat on the edge of the bed alongside his sleeping wives. His arms were chilled by the cold air of the house, but at the same time, the calm, warm breaths of the girls gave him comfort. The warmth of their bodies, the fragrance of their hair fanned out over their pillows all made the bed a wonderful place to be...but not tonight.
Having thrown on a cardigan and some sweatpants, Osamu went for a walk through the empty neighborhood. The cold, night air stung like salt in his wounds. Dim streetlights lit the way, all the way into nothingness. Osamu sat down on a bench right under one of the streetlights, leaning forward as he interlocked his fingers.
(It's really quiet...)
In the corner of his eye, Osamu thought he saw Inari sitting next to him, waving her tails around and smiling with those sharp, fox fangs of hers, her white hair blowing in the breeze. Maybe she would say something witty or tell another story about ancient times, or a tale about a kind of ghost or a joke about foxes. Maybe she would yawn and cuddle with him. Maybe they'd vent to each other again and cry it out together. But when he looked there was no one there. He was all alone in a dark and cold neighborhood with only the moon to keep him company.
(Inari...you're really gone...)
"Osamu?"
Yoko came out too, dressed in her pink night gown with a red, knit scarf around her neck.
"Yoko? What are you doing out here, it's cold." Osamu said dryly.
"I'm warm like this though." Yoko responded.
"Go home."
"No. You will not push me away this time."
Osamu sighed and looked the other way. "Fine, I won't argue."
Yoko sat down next to Osamu on the bench, looking around the peaceful, quiet neighborhood and the dim lights all around. "The air feels nice, huh?"
"You're not usually one to comment on the weather."
"Yeah, you're right. It doesn't really fit me. Osamu...I want you to tell me everything you're feeling. Everything."
Osamu scoffed. "You've got to be fucking kidding me..."
"You can't pretend that you're not hurting. We all see it."
Osamu shook his head. "No you don't."
"Yes we do."
"No you don't!" Osamu screamed, startling Yoko. "You people don't see anything. Not the blood, the ashes, the fighting, none of it."
"...You're right." Yoko murmured. "I wasn't there in that airport with you. I wasn't with you when Rousoku passed away, or at the divine court when you nearly got handed the death sentence. But I do see what all of this is doing to you. Osamu...I see that you're hurting. You've been hurting for a very long time now."
Osamu crossed his arms away, a slow gust of air blowing through his nostrils.
"You've lost so much." Yoko said. "Who wouldn't be messed up inside after what we've been through in just the past six months? I'm not okay either. My mom is sitting in an exorcist hospital somewhere, on the brink of death. My kids are going to be exorcists whether we like it or not, and it was all to stop you from facing a firing squad. You're anything but alone. We're all in this together."
"I'm sorry for yelling." Osamu sighed.
"It's okay. You know, when you came back to Kyoto after four years away, we all jumped on the opportunity to see you again. Part of that was because we learned what happened between you and Izanami. I can't speak for everyone, but for me...I guess I felt guilty more than anything. I had no idea you were hurting that badly. When you came back, I didn't want you to be alone ever again. I didn't want see you attempt suicide again. Gekko...told me you..."
Yoko stopped herself, wondering if there was any sensitive way to say what she needed to. "She said it looked like that's what you were about to do when she spoke to you in the bathroom."
(Gekko noticed after all...I had Izanami's scissors in my hand.)
"If I told you I was just trying to trim my eyebrows, you wouldn't believe me, would you?" Osamu joked, his smile fading as soon as he flashed it.
Yoko took Osamu's hand, guiding it to her pregnant belly. She didn't say a word and neither did he, but the horrified expression in his eyes said everything for him.
"You can't leave." Yoko cried. "Your life is so precious to us, Osamu."
"It's not precious to me..." Osamu sobbed. "My life wasn't worth losing Inari or Rousoku. It wasn't worth losing Cyanide either. This is the fourth time...the fourth time I've had to watch the people I care about die...while I can't do anything about it."
"To Inari, your life was worth far more than her own."
"But I don't understand why..."
Yoko smiled. "I've always believed that we alone don't decide what our lives are worth. The people that love us do. Inari must've seen how much your life mattered to us all, how far we'd all go to keep you with us in this world. She realized it wasn't just about you and her. It was about all of us. Your wives, your friends, your future children. So many people were waiting for you to come back home. She did what she did for the same reason that Rousoku dropped her grudge with you; your life mattered to so many more people than either of them first thought."
Yoko planted a soft kiss onto Osamu's palm, caressing the veins in his wrist with her thumb. "Inari used to be a wife and a mother, right? Any woman who truly loves her family would do anything to protect it. She never got the chance to do that when she lost her family. For hundreds of years, she lived on this earth without having anything to live or die for. All she did was survive. Until she met you and learned that her old friends were still out there, thinking of her.
“By saving you, she was saving all of us. By protecting you, she protected all of us. By giving her heart to the man she loved most...she gave her heart to all of us. That, Osamu, is a testament to how much love you inspired in her. To her, we were all as worthy of her life as her first family. I'm humbled by that, because if she had managed to live longer, I would've gladly made this her second family. No. In fact...she already is part of this family."
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
Yoko caressed Osamu's cheek, her sapphire gaze freeing him from the grip of despair. "Don't you ever think of committing suicide. Don't you ever throw away the love she gave you, the love that you helped her rediscover. I'm committed to earning Inari's sacrifice. I want to make her proud. I'm going to show the whole world that it was her love that protected this family, and that I'm forever grateful to her. My children will know who she was, and so will their children. She will never be forgotten. Not in this family. So, don't throw that all away, Osamu. Earn it. Prove to the world that Inari was here, that she was alive, and that she loved you with all of her heart."
Osamu closed his eyes, thinking back to the moment Inari saved his life.
(After she gave her heart to me...I heard her voice. I was alone in the darkness, but I still heard her. Her final words to me...)
Inari's words echoed in his mind, and with her voice, all of his dread and anguish melted away. "Osamu Ashikaga...you are the bravest soul I ever had the blessing to wrap my arms around. You are no failure. Your life matters and you are loved. You are so, so loved, Osamu. Forgive yourself, for you cannot always save everyone. Loss is merely part of growing up and moving on. Isabella and Rousoku would never hate you.
“Even if they died, you still saved them, just as I'm about to die, but I can say that you saved me. If my life's purpose was this very moment right here...I would happily do it all again. Every tragedy and heartache over again...just to end my life by your side. My heart forever belongs to you...Osamu Ashikaga."
The darkness those two waded through together, the misery they shared, the tears they cried, it all inspired a brand new love in Inari's heart, and she gave that love to Osamu. Everything he had went through during the standoff and even during the past six months was all put into perspective for him.
Rousoku and Inari truly did have the same reasons for loving Osamu the way they did; because his life mattered to so many people. They couldn't let him die or despair. There was a wealth of love waiting for him back home, love that he had earned through all of his trials and tribulations.
With that perspective, Osamu was able to accept what he had lost. Yoko embraced him as he cried out years of agony and six months of the most intense suffering he had ever endured. He finally understood what it was all for, the meaning behind the tragedies.
Inari was free of her earthly burdens, and now, at long last, Osamu was finally free of his. Their promise was kept after all.
The night was unkind to Taeko as well. She had agreed to spend the night at Shinju’s place, not wanting her to be alone while she grieved for Cyanide. Shinju slept upstairs with her bedroom door open while Taeko lied down on the couch in the living room, staring up at the dark, orange ceiling as crickets chirped in the night.
Taeko sat up, tracing her fingers over the laceration scars on the soles of her feet given to her by the exorcists. A sudden volley of gunshots caused her to scream out in fright as she ducked her head between her knees. The fine hairs on her arms stood up and her stomach twisted and contorted until she wanted to vomit.
The gunshots echoed throughout the whole house, followed by the metallic chirp of bullet casings bouncing off the floor. She heard the faint, pained groans of Cyanide and Black Maria as their final breaths poured from their dry lips. Taeko’s heart threatened to explode in her chest. She immediately stood up and rushed to the kitchen, flipping on the lights before running over to the sink.
She turned the faucet lever and splashed a handful of cold water on her numb face. The gunshots rang out again as the same horrific moment played on repeat.
“Please stop!” Taeko sobbed.
After the gunshots, Taeko heard Inari’s screams echo all around her. She heard the crackle of flaming jet fuel, the whirling of helicopter blades, and the battle cries of countless exorcists in terrifying, deafening detail.
Taeko let out a terrifying scream and she still couldn’t hear her own voice over the sounds of death and battle. She couldn’t hear her own thoughts. It swallowed her whole and suffocated her until she couldn’t even breathe anymore.
She was suddenly grabbed by the shoulders and pushed against the wall. Shinju had come to her rescue.
“Taeko! Focus on me!” Shinju ordered. “You’re here! You’re in my house! It’s okay, do you see? It’s okay!”
Shinju caressed Taeko’s tear-soaked face as they both slouched down to the floor, Taeko’s back against the fridge. Taeko took Shinju’s hand into her own and focused only on her presence. The sounds of gunshots and battle faded away slowly until Taeko could finally hear herself again. Her heart rate and breathing settled as well after a few deep breaths.
“There you go. It’s okay.” Shinju said in a calming voice.
“Shinju…” Taeko wept.
“Are you okay? I can go get your medication for you.”
Taeko shook her head. “The meds don’t work anymore. Nothing works anymore.”
“Taeko…”
Shinju turned off the kitchen lights before sitting beside Taeko. She rubbed Taeko’s back to help calm her down, the moonlight pouring in from the large hexagon window across from them. Shinju was well aware that Taeko needed to calm her senses. The pale, blue moonlight was a much better choice than her harsh kitchen lights.
“If I had taken Cyanide’s place, he’d still be here.” Taeko cried.
“Don’t say that.” Shinju interrupted.
“He’s dead and there’s nothing to show for it. I couldn’t…”
Taeko stopped right there as she fought to keep her sobs buried in her chest, but Shinju knew exactly what she was going to say. She couldn’t save Cyanide or Inari.
“I’m still in my cell. I can’t see Cyanide or Black Maria, but I can hear them dying down the hall. I’m there at the airport fighting for my life, and I’m out in the field fighting in the war again. I’m in three different places all at once. I just want to be here. That’s all I want, Shinju. I want to be here. I want to be whole again. But I can’t. I can’t get all the pieces back.”
“Whether you’re whole or not, you’re all I have. That’s more than enough for me.”
Shinju rested her head on Taeko’s shoulder, her fiery, orange hair entangling with Taeko’s raven locks. “It’s okay to be broken, Taeko. I’ll take a few pieces of myself and fix them onto you. Osamu, Yoko, and everyone will all do the same. None of us can be whole by ourselves. If we need help, we have to ask. You deserve to be helped.”
“But so did Cyanide and Inari…”
Shinju sighed as she closed her eyes. “You don’t get it. They both chose this. Cyanide chose to be executed first so he could buy us more time to be saved. Inari chose to end the standoff to protect us and to save Osamu’s life. Don’t you see? Cyanide and Inari did the same for us that the Senkumo clan did for Gekko all those years ago. There’s no greater love than that.”
“I get that, but…”
“We wouldn’t stand a chance if we lost either you or Osamu. If it ever comes down to it, I’m more than willing to make the same sacrifice that Cyanide and Inari made. That’s how much your life is worth to me.”
Taeko buried her face in her knees, her hands shoulders wobbling as she wept. “My life isn’t worth anything. I’m not even human at this point. I killed my own mother and sister. I burned hundreds of my own comrades to death.”
“Taeko…that was centuries ago.”
“Not to me!” Taeko screamed. “Gekko got to live out each day since then. I didn’t. I was brought from one era to the next. To me, all of this happened just a few years ago. I tried so hard to atone for everything I did. I came here to make things right, but all I did was make everything worse! You can’t atone if you’re already a monster. I was so selfish to think I could.”
Shinju softly stroked Taeko’s head, smiling with tears in her eyes. “How can a monster have a heart this big? You love people so much you created a nation where they could have better lives. You take every life seriously, even if it’s an enemy’s. Monsters aren’t ever torn up about their wrongs, but you always are. Sure, none of us are perfect. I know you made your own mistakes. But no one who values human life this much, who grieves this much for those she loves, can ever be called a monster.
“Think about it. Even Lucrezia, a girl born centuries after you, respected you so highly. Why do you think that is? It’s because you’re the most compassionate leader this world has ever seen. You became the exact kind of leader you wished for when you founded the Senkumo clan, Taeko. And that means that all of that death and suffering wasn’t meaningless. You don’t have anything to atone for anymore. You’ve already done more than enough.”
Taeko raised her head and threw her arms around Shinju. “Thank you for always being here for me, Shinju.”
Shinju smiled and held Taeko tighter, as if she would disappear at any moment. “You don’t have to thank me, buddy. I’m with you until the end.”
The price of leading an extraordinary life is to carry extraordinary burdens. Taeko learned that the hard way. As a scarred veteran, it was hard enough to find people who could understand the horrors she endured, but it was even more difficult since she was from a bygone era.
Healing from the horrors of the past and the tragedies of the present wouldn’t be easy, but as she held Shinju in her arms on that woeful night, she remembered that she had people who loved her and valued her life even more than their own. It wasn’t just Shinju, but Osamu, Yoko, Izanami, Gekko, and so many others.
For all the suffering she endured, Taeko survived it all to become a truly compassionate human being. She lived everyday with love in her heart. Perhaps she knew deep down that if one can feel such immense sorrow, it meant they still had a heart after all.