July 2023 ver.
He needed air. Rowan inched himself back.
Only for a minute. Before he inserted himself into Eryth and Kyne’s business again when he’d been told repeatedly to leave it. Devin and Avery were thoroughly consumed by the activities so they wouldn’t miss him. He worked through the crowd until he popped into an empty alley. The mage took a deep breath. A glance was tossed to the busy side of town one more time then he kept walking. Rowan finally stopped once the noise had subsided as well. Leaning onto a wall, he slowly slid down to sit.
He stared at nothing in particular, eventually rubbing at the back of his neck in his usual idle manner. Why was everyone able to let this be but him? Eryth and Kyne were enjoying themselves. They were very clear that they were fine with it. Still.
What they had said about being orphaned with no skills, value, or prospects had him wondering on unpleasant notions. If grandpa hadn’t been there, would he and his cousins had a similar fate? A worse fate?
He was too hard on their grandfather. He knew he was. The young man sighed and closed his eyes. He tipped his head to rest on the wall. But every time he tried to be content, to take it easy, he thought of his mother. His chest tightened and his fingers took up a fist full of the front of his tunic.
“Lookin’ a little overworked there, kid.” A familiar flatly noted voice came from behind. His eyes opened to ice blue ones.
“Huh? M-mom?”
She stood over him with her arms crossed, smiling down, “Be honest, are you still out here because of your father?”
“W-well…”
An exasperated sigh as she ruffled her mess of long, wavy, white hair, “Love, whatever stupid thing he put into your head, forget it. Combat skills are handy, but he forgets that he’s the only dangerous one around for miles. Unless he’s up against me, of course.” She grinned with such confidence. Gramps always said his cocky grin was exactly like hers. “Your father was already swept into a military by your age. He had to grow up and learn quickly. He doesn’t mean to be, but that’s why he’s being hard on you. He’s scared you won’t be ready for the unexpected.” Pointed feline ears pressed flat upon her head. She grumbled a few more things to herself that he possibly wasn’t supposed to hear, “Even so, I’m going to take a chunk out of his ass…”
“Dad was a soldier? Really? For what kingdom?”
“Unfortunately. And it doesn’t matter. They lost.” She took a knee next to him and slid a finger across one of his scuffs. The wound disappeared at her touch. “One of the things you’re going to learn is that everyone is a little damaged from their past. Your father is and so am I. Sometimes you can see the marks, like your father’s scars, but sometimes you can’t. The best adults can do is try to not pass their scars onto their young.”
“Mom?”
“Hmm?” She was healing more of his scrapes and wiping dirt off his face.
“…does that have to do with why you’re so angry with grandpa all the time?”
She looked away, “Yeah. Yeah, it does.” His mother helped him to his feet. “C’mon, let’s get some food in you too.”
One memory always lead to another.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?” Her voice had a certain way of trilling when she responded to his call in such a way. The distance in her eyes faded. Her attention came to him with her ears perked.
“Breakfast?”
“Oh! R-right. Sorry, love, I didn’t sleep well last night.” Her tone went flatter, “Apparently I’m not all here.” She got up to go to the kitchen and he trailed after.
“How’s come you didn’t sleep well?” He had never actually asked her directly. Gramps had already informed him she frequently suffered from insomnia. Which sometimes, coincidentally, cycled into narcolepsy. He had also clarified the latter was rare since Rowan progressed past his toddler years.
His mother started picking out ingredients for something simple since her cooking abilities were amateurish at best. She cast him a brief glance, “Oh, it’s a problem I’ve always had. I used to be very sick when I was young. Usually that kept me up, but now… Habit, I guess.” A weak smile.
He grinned at her this time, “Well, gramps and I have been working on something.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
“Sleep spells!” He had planted hands on his hips and puffed out his chest.
Lucille had turned to stare with face filled with embarrassment, “Rowan, I…” Nothing else came.
Her lack of words deflated him, “Should I not have? You’re always so tired… I thought…”
She swept right in as she always did, coming down to his height, and grasping his shoulders, “Rowan, Rowan… that’s not what I’m trying to say. I’m touched you want to help.” She cupped his cheeks, “I’m glad you’re the kind of person who wants to help.” Her grin grew with a snort, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved. But I’m… the one who is supposed to take care of you. Not the other way around.”
He withdrew by leaning away from her hands. Wasn’t he a little big for being fawned over? “Well, I had to pick something and honestly they’re so much easier to me than the last one I learned. They barely even take any mana.”
His mom was looking pretty smug herself by this point, definitely humored by his nonchalance, “Is that so?”
He rubbed at the back of his neck, “So it’s really no bother if you need help sleeping sometimes.”
“I don’t think that’s what those spells are for.” She returned to her task, “But I’ll think about it.” Another chop of the knife. “Son of a…!” his mother winced, snatching one hand from the cutting board, “Whore.”
“Mom!?” Of course he had sprung over to help.
She flashed another content expression to ease him, “It’s nothing. Didn’t put my hand back in the right spot.” The healer displayed the single drop of freed blood she had to show. Her wound had mended itself immediately. “Don’t worry, love. Nothing scars a Chanoix.”
And another, like waves crashing against rocks.
“Hmm?”
He had looked to her at the trill, “Is something wrong?”
Her ears had swiveled, “Yeah, I think so. Don’t worry, just stay close. Okay, love?” Another smile to comfort him.
“Um, okay.” But how was he supposed to not worry? Her eyes had stayed on him despite the men strolling out from the undergrowth behind her. Panic sunk in. They had been alone. He’d felt helpless. How was he supposed to protect himself and her? How were they supposed to fight without his dad?
One man spoke, “So you heard us, huh?”
“Of course I heard you.” She cupped a hand behind a furry ear as she pivoted their direction. “Do you really think these things miss much?” Rowan had stepped in front of his mother. He’d been practicing with his grandfather. Maybe he could at least protect her. Then she had patted his head to stroll past him and address the men, leaving him to blink at her back, “I have to ask, was that really the best you could do for an emeran target? I hope you weren’t hired for your stealth, because you’re fucking incompetent at it.” More came into view and she merely stood looking increasingly annoyed.
“Who says we were hired?”
“Your clothes. The high-end weapons. You’re mercenaries, not bandits. My partner is one. You think I can’t tell the difference, dumbass?” She kept antagonizing them, but his mother wasn’t a fighter.
“Lady, you’re starting to piss me off. So much so that I think maybe I’ll rough you up just for the hell of it. But I’ll give you one last chance. Come peacefully and we won’t hurt the boy.”
“Mm, no, I think we’ll go peacefully.” His mother idly scratched at her neck. “And when you go crying back to your employer empty handed, try to get it through their thick fucking skull that I’m not an angle that can be exploited to get to him while you’re at it, eh? You’d have a shit ton more luck attacking him outright.” Rowan flinched. She had to be talking about dad. Should she be telling them something like that? She smirked, “Then again, by the looks of you, maybe I’m exaggerating a little with the use of the word ‘ton’.”
“A mouthy bitch, aren’t you? I got this.”
She replied with a bored blink, “Beats being a stupid bitch like you.” She shook her head, “Your employer saw fit to send six of you, but sure, you’re going to handle me all by your lonesome.”
“Shut the fuck up!” His mother shifted her weight to her left leg, her right hand raised, and a fresh new grin came to her face. Her fingers beckoned the man. He drew an axe and approached with anger fueled determination. She held the pose with hand lifted. His grip on the weapon slipped lower, going for higher leverage. The mercenary went to strike. A snap of fingers sounded.
“What the hell!?”
His mother’s amusement grew, “They really didn’t tell you chucklefucks anything, did they?” The strike had bounced off a thin sheet of her barrier magic. She snapped her fingers again and a second sheet took shape at his side. Another and a third completed the triangle. He wouldn’t be able to climb out either at the height she made them. Her opponent went ballistic. She sighed at his stupidity.
A quick fourth snap. An arrow pinged off the new barrier. She glared at the archer. A flurry of magic was unleashed. The men tried to scatter, but they were quickly boxed in. Even cut off from the sky.
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
She gave them a dry, tired tone, “Don’t worry, you won’t suffocate. The mesh is wide enough for air to get through.” Then she was addresssing him, “Let’s go, Rowan.” She couldn’t fight and yet she still won.
“You can’t just leave us like this!”
Her eye twitched. She rounded back to the mercenaries, “Actually, I can do whatever the shit I like! Wanna find out what dying of thirst is like!?”
“Y-you wouldn’t!”
“Yeah. I’m not a piece of shit like you, so you’re right, I wouldn’t.” She tossed them a wave as they walked away, “Still, 24 hours won’t be enough to kill you. Hit it all you want. It’s not going to break. Have fun, morons!”
He remembered idolizing her. He remembered…
“How can you not fucking comprehend this!?” His parents hadn’t been in their room and he slowed to a crawl as he passed one he normally didn’t notice. His mother’s wavering voice came through the shut door. His father was much quieter or maybe he was further inside. He hadn’t been able to make out anything he said.
“I’m not saying I’m perfect!”
“Don’t just apologize so I shut up! How fucking stupid do you think I am? I know that’s what you’re doing. You won’t even let me finish a-”
“Because you clearly still don’t even understand the problem! I’m tired of having to explain this every gods damn day! How many times have we had this fight? Every month since he was six?” Her emotions briefly dialed back, “I know this is your way of bonding with him, but you’re being bat-shit insane with it.”
Were they fighting over him?
“Because he’s a child and he should be enjoying life. And he’s clearly not having fun! And what about that other boy? Do you think he’s having fun? If they hadn’t been using training equipment, he would have killed him! You’re forcing Rowan into your lifestyle and he’s barely ten. What if he does progress faster? Are you going to drag him out to fight a banshee? Great. I’ll get a bouquet of flowers for his possessed corpse!”
“This isn’t about what I did. This is about the damage you are directly inflicting on him. He’s scared of himself!”
“The difference is Chanoix fucking listens to him! He goes at the pace Rowan sets and he’s a hell of a lot better teaching him the consequences of using his abilities.”
“And what does that have to do with it?”
“Well then I guess you shouldn’t have fucked a mage. The sheer fucking audacity. You’re going to throw my heritage in my face like it’s some kind of problem when you’ve been begging me for another child.”
“Why the fuck wouldn’t I go there? It’s relevant to the topic, isn’t it?”
“Okay, you win, I shouldn’t have gone there. Immediate regret because now we get to rehash that fight. You knew. Okay? You knew that I didn’t want kids. You said it didn’t matter. Then you pushed and pushed.” The tremor in her voice grew. “Now we have a child. A child that I feel like I am failing. Every. Single. Day. I-I can’t-.” An audible sob made it through. “I can’t sleep or I can’t stay awake…” Hearing his mother cry had hurt him in a way he didn’t know possible. “I don’t understand. Why can’t I be enough for you? Why can’t Rowan be enough for you?”
His dad didn’t seem to answer her at all this time. He wanted to move, but all he could do was stare at the ground, empty. His mother continued without a response.
“It’s the magic thing isn’t it? It’s because he takes after Chanoix more than you.” He heard her laughing, darkly, “That’s fucking it. I can’t- I can’t look at you.”
The door jerked open and she collided with him, “Rowan?" Her fear had been so instant. “L-love, what- what are you doing here? How long…?” The sorrow that washed over her as she saw the tears on his face was even more devastating. His mother had hugged him tightly, “Rowan… I don’t know what you heard, but I love you, okay? More than anything.” Her cheek pressed to him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t-. I didn’t mean-. I’m sorry.” A sharp cry followed. “You’re all that matters to me, okay?”
It was hard to remember that he was only reliving the past.
“Wait, I’m not done.” He had planted his hand on the book for a moment. “Okay.”
He’d been spending most of his time with his grandfather, but that day he and his mother had been side by side at a small table in his parents’ room. Normally, they wouldn’t try to read a book at the same time, but their relationship had been broken for months. He knew she’d made this suggestion as a facade to repair it the second they’d both shown an interest.
Honestly, it was dense. He had to ask her about most of the metaphors to understand them. He wasn’t sure if he was even interested anymore actually. What he did know was that he wanted his mother back. That part was working.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?” That trill of hers filled his ear.
“I-I missed you.”
She smiled and, for once acting like a cat, bunted the side of her head to his, “I missed you too, a lot. I hope you can forgive me.” She started rubbing cheek on cheek for good measure.
“I forgive you, just stop doing that…” he groaned.
“All right, all right. I won’t do it again.” Not never again though, right?
Quiet.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“Is it okay if I don’t go back to my sword training?”
“It’s your life, love, that’s a decision you get to make.”
“I… I really hurt that kid. But what about dad?”
“Well, Rowan, your father can go fuck himself.”
He had blinked at her, eyes wide.
“I’m sorry, that’s… not fair of me to say, to put that kind of thought in your head.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose. A sigh then she seemed to have a better response, “Don’t live your life for him or me. It’s not for your father to decide whether he likes it or not because it’s your life. You’re old enough to make your own decisions. It’s just our jobs to try to guide you to the best one possible. Obviously we’re not seeing eye to eye on this particular topic. Although, I will also say, you shouldn’t avoid something out of anxiety. If there’s any aspect you liked then maybe you should continue. With a different teacher.”
Quiet.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“Did you really not want me?”
She slowly reclined and flipped the book over. Their blue irises reflected each other. “I-.” The next second saw his head between her breast and hand with her chin settled atop. “I didn’t know you would be my son.” His mother held him tight, her fingers weaving through his hair. “I didn’t plan for kids. I didn’t want them, that’s true, but,” she squeezed even more, “now you’re here. If I could tell my past self about how great you are, I would, and I’d tell her to not be so scared of the idea.” His face went red. The air around them finally felt lighter. It finally felt like they could breath again. His mother released him. “I know, I know, stop embarrassing you.” He had just scolded her for such open actions of affection after all.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“This book is awful.”
She had laughed, “It really is, isn’t it?” A dull thud saw an end to their suffering through it.
Her smile haunted him.
There wasn’t much time left.
“Mom? Mooooom?” He pushed her limp body.
“Mmmph.” He rolled his eyes when the only response was incoherent muttering. Rowan jumped onto the bed and she still barely moved. He sat on her and all that came out was a groan. The boy leaned forward, took a deep breath, and blew directly into her ear.
“WHOA!” She about sent him flying.
His mother was wide awake now, spooked even, “O-oh! Rowan. Good morning.”
“Morning? It’s past noon!” He hopped off the bed.
“Eh? But your breakfast.”
He shrugged, “I got by on my own.”
“Y-you don’t have to do that. You can always wake me up.”
“Mom, I don’t think a bear could wake you up.” He bit his tongue initially but then he went ahead and asked, “You’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Are you okay?”
She slowly slid down into bed, weakening her own dismissal of his worry, “Mm, I’m fine, love.”
“Should I get gramps? It’s okay to not be okay.”
“It’s nothing to bother Chanoix over.” His mother gave a full body stretch then rolled onto her side to look at him. “What’s wrong?”
“N-nothing is wrong.”
She lifted an eyebrow at this, giving him a deadpan, “Then why am I still in bed and not out apologizing for you bullying a girl again?”
He could feel the sweat forming on his face under the pressure of the question. She had always called things as she saw them. Not unlike Devin.
Rowan continued to hesitate for a second, “The other kids… still don’t really want to be around me since…” Admittedly, it was part of why he’d been spending so much time with her since they reconciled.
She sat up at this, “I see. You could always play with Devin and Avery.”
“But Devin and Avery are so small.” What if he hurt them too? “Can I just sit with you?”
He was surprised to see her frowning, but it was clear why when she replied, “You want to just sit here? With me? And do nothing?” His mother had opened her bedside drawer. A pack of playing cards was in her hand soon after. “We can’t do absolutely nothing now, can we?” She scooted over and patted the bed. “C’mon, we’ll play right here. Probably one of the few things I can keep up with you in.” His mother kept lounging even as they set up a game.
They had spent the rest of the day in his parents’ room playing card games. They only took breaks to raid the kitchen. Rowan asked for stories on where she used to travel. What kind of jobs her and dad used to do. Even if she wasn’t always the best at telling them, having a tendency to get side-tracked, they were still good stories to him. She asked about his studies with gramps and why he had to keep harassing girls despite his ever worsening punishments. What was it going to take for him to be a proper gentleman? In the end she had to accept the small concession that she’d nipped his peeping tom behavior in the butt.
Eventually she was the one who looked to him, “Rowan?”
“Hm?” He couldn’t trill like her.
“If it were just you and me for a little while, how would you feel about that?”
“What do you mean? You and me without who?”
“I thought that maybe we should leave the outpost. For… an extended period of time, but still temporarily.”
“But, what about dad? And gramps? Or Uncle Ram and Aunt Wren?” His cousins too.
She sighed, “I think your father and I need some time apart.”
“Are you… going to split up?”
It was an alarming second of silence, but eventually she replied with a solid, “No. We still love each other. You and I fixed what was broken, right? I’m sure your father and I can too. I simply think maybe it is possible to spend too much time with someone.” She was starting to yawn already. “Sometimes we hurt people we love without meaning to, sometimes we’re forced to do it. But, if you take responsibility, do better, and ask forgiveness, the people who love you will give you another chance.”
“Huh?” Rowan had been confused by the sudden philosophical sounding words.
“Devin and Avery? You’re afraid you’ll end up hurting them, right?”
He’d been caught and averted from her gaze, “Y-yeah.”
“Devin and Avery are very young, but you know to be careful with them. Besides, if you’re too afraid of breaking a bond, then you’ll never form one strong enough to endure a lifetime. It’s unlikely, but if something did happen, your cousins are your family. They’ll forgive an accident. It may not be immediate, but they will. They’ll still want to be part of your life.”
“I guess…”
“Besides,” she rolled her neck, “your uncle keeps whining to me that Devin won’t stop asking for you. It’s driving him nuts and frankly he’s driving me nuts…”
The memories burned away until only one was left. The one that tainted everything.
A silhouette against a translucent wall of blue. A rift formed a mere instant before it shattered like glass and sent her skipping over the earth toward him. He took a step.
“Don’t!” She shrieked the command at him. Fingertips carved grooves through the dirt, frantically searching for anything to cling onto, as her figure was pulled from it by an ankle. But the terror wasn’t for herself.
“Rowan, please! Look away! Run!” But he didn’t. Even as teeth sunk into her flesh and she screeched in agony. Even as blood dripped from her limp form. Even as she fell unconscious. He had watched until his grandfather ripped him away.
“For fucks’ sake!” His eyes opened to the present. He was twenty-fucking-two. His palm pressed to his cheek to wipe off the tears. When was he going to stop crying for his mom?
Why had he dragged Devin and Avery out here along with him? She had to be dead. How else would she still be gone after a decade? It was pointless. It was always pointless. He couldn’t save her. He couldn’t save Eryth and Kyne. He wouldn’t be able to save Devin or Avery in the end either. Every moment out here was risking their safety for a dead memory. So a worthless idiot could keep playing at being a hero when all he really did was wreck the lives of anyone he cared about. His parents. The elf folk. Grandpa. Now he was doing the same to his cousins.
He tangled his hands into his hair, his breathing ragged. Forcing himself to stand, he charged forward. Rowan kept on until there were no more houses. Until he was only surrounded by grass.
The mage screamed, throwing fire out all around himself. It tore through the air with a roar, singeing him and the grassland. He stood panting as it faded and left him as the center of his own charred, black circle.
“She’s dead!”
His breathing calmed and his eyes roamed across the burned grass as the rage subsided to a quiet festering again. He could hear Avery scold him inside his head, ‘What did the plants ever do to you?’
The young man hung his head in shame with a puff. He dropped to his rear and began waving a hand over the destruction he’d wrought. The blades regained a green color and continued their happy waving in the gentle breeze. It was slow going but he’d fix every single one even if he’d miss the rest of the festivities.
Why? Why couldn’t he accept that she was dead?