The next days, I somehow managed to contain my new, dangerous feelings and resumed being the efficient Darkfire I was. No fag could destroy my strength, not when I had been trained to ignore that kind of stuff. The Apollonids kept falling at my feet: Plymouth and all Devon kept being protected by the threat of hate in its purest form. I was invincible. I was indestructible. I was Hayden Darce.
But...
When it was afternoon and I hanged around the city, there was like a disturbance in my mind. An inner call that came when I wasn’t fighting anything, screaming all its distress, like if it hadn’t been allowed to scream for a lifetime. I knew perfectly what that call was: it was a part of me that had been silenced until meeting that damn fag. No matter how much I avoided like hell to walk in the proximity of that pub, sometimes I found myself to walk there, without even thinking; I’d immediately turn back, stop for a moment and gnash my teeth to summon all my hatred. Sometimes, fireballs appeared in my hand doing so. I refused to admit it to myself, but I was losing my mind’s control.
After two weeks, that scream had become unbearable. I was almost acquiring a taste for my own blood, so hardly I gnawed my own teeth almost every hour. Worst of all, my performance against Apollonids had gone down drastically. One night, I let one of them hit me on my right arm. It wasn’t only my skin, but my arm and bone being in flames: I screamed all the force of hell outside my throat, falling on the ground. The last thing I saw was Darrell’s hand throwing fireballs all around before I lost consciousness.
Then, I woke up in a hospital. Diagnosis: second level burn. I was kept there some days, during which the scream in my brain drove me mad. At nights, the face of the fag invaded my dreams like a beautiful, evil angel, and I woke up sweaty, for reasons that were not correlated to my injury. The first afternoon after being released, I didn’t even have any force left to prevent myself from walking into that pub.
Just once, I told myself, just once and I can be content, right? I can’t survive the Apollonids if I keep thinking about it. Just once and I’ll stop...
I entered the pub. He was nowhere to be found: just the usual mass of students playing drinking games. My heart, which had pumped uncontrollably for ages, relaxed slowly.
Maybe he’s given up, I was telling myself while walking, maybe I won’t see him and I won’t have to worry about-
A new customer opened the door: it was him. Same short, brown, straight hair, same grey eyes, same red bag, although this time he was wearing a white shirt. He didn’t even proceed to order something, but instead took my hands without consent.
“You’re back,” he greeted me.
“It seems so,” I said nervously.
Suddenly, he gasped. “Your arm! What happened?”
I sweated.
“Oh...this...it’s just a...well, I accidentally poured hot water on me while making tea.”
“Oh no. I’m very sorry for it. Hope everything else is fine.”
I watched him badly. Or at least, I tried to do so, but the way I was sweating would betray my true emotions to anyone.
“Thank you.” I paused. “I...was looking for you.”
He smiled triumphantly, but only for some short moments, before getting back to a more serene look.
“Shall we go out of here?” He proposed.
I looked around the local. They were all watching us. It was unacceptable for me, so much used to reservedness and secrecy, to stare at all those inquisitive male eyes, that I just nodded to the boy and left the pub. He followed me.
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
“Where do you want to go?” He asked.
“I don’t care.”
“How about the park?”
I raised one eyebrow. “Are you proposing to hide in some bush and-”
“No, no,” he raised one hand laughing, and with horror I realized how pleasant his laugh was to my ears. “Only for a walk. To get to know each other, you know.”
I nodded. He basically lead the way onto Saltram Park, just down the river. Despite my mental attitude, I had to admit it was a good park to walk in.
“I don’t know your name yet,” the boy asked.
“Hayden.”
“I’m Douglas. Do you, well, feel like telling about yourself? Last time I told you my story.”
This tricked me. Of course I couldn’t tell him about my life as a Darkfire; however, my whole life story centred around the Order. What should I tell him?
“There’s not much to say about me,” I just said, hoping to quit that topic, while looking decisively at the streaming water. “I’m afraid I’m a very boring boy.”
His eyes pointed at me with a devious look. “Aw, really?”
“Yes,” I said with force. “I can tell you I was brought up not far from Plymouth by my...uncle.”
“Your uncle?”
“My parents died when I was a baby. A...car accident.”
“Oh,” Douglas whispered, in a mortified tone that sounded to me pretty sincere. “That’s so terrible.”
“Doesn’t matter,” I cut out, “it happened long ago.”
We kept walking around the park and explored all its paths, in silence. Ah, silence. I just loved it so much, to finally be able to elaborate my thoughts in freedom. Although he constantly looked like he wanted to say something, only to close his mouth immediately.
He was a pleasant guy, that was true. After the initial, creepy approach, it was a peaceful experience to stay with him. The way he had remained gentle after all my rudeness, his clean face...it felt good. I felt good. I had forgotten how it feels.
But I couldn’t continue meeting him, I knew it. It couldn’t be difficult, right? I’d just have to go elsewhere, let him forget me slowly...I had got my moment of warmth in my heart, now I could finally stop begging for it.
As we instinctively began to leave the place, he finally take the courage to say what he wanted and said to me, trembling.
“So, Hayden, do...do you...like me or...?”
I looked at him, unsure of what my face looked like. Two halves of me were fighting furiously. One was my adult part, the one that had been learned to feel hatred for anything and anyone; the other one was the child that still – and I had found it out thanks to Douglas – lay deep in my subconscious, the one who was still capable not just of loving, but producing love. Darrell didn’t really care about me: he only cared about what I had to do. Not that he had much choice: if he started loving me sincerely, he would become less powerful. But this boy was interested in me, something that had never happened for years.
“Hayden...?”
No. I had to resist. I was a Darkfire, damnit, I shouldn’t have such temptations! Come on, it isn't hard...just say ‘I’ll never date with a fucking fag like you’ and it’s over...
“I’ll nnnn-”
“What?”
“I’ll...never…date...with a...ffff...a fag like-”
He smiled. “You don’t look very convinced, you know?”
I grunted loudly and put my head out of frustration. I couldn’t stand it any more. He had won. Time to admit my defeat.
“Okay then yes it’s true! I like you! But don’t think I won’t fight it! And it isn't because you’re a fag, I have my reasons!”
With that, I moved my legs to leave him definitely. I didn’t care if everyone else was watching me at that moment: it was now or never.
But as I walked, every step became more difficult. As I proceeded, I urged to come back and solve it, do whatever I could do not to lose that guy who was so interested in me. It was so good to be loved...to be loved unconditionally like Douglas did...
Without thinking, I ran back. Douglas was still there, smiling at me in an ironical, yet beautiful, way.
“Okay...” I panted “don’t know...what...I’m doing...but...okay.”
“I knew it,” he said happily, putting a hand on my shoulder, and this time I felt no urge to remove it. “I’m sure you’re a nice person, after all.”
“Yes...” A nice person. Something I had forgotten...
“Well, now I must go, but we can meet again at this park tomorrow if you want.”
“Fine.”
“What’s your Facebook contact?”
I watched him confused. “What’s Facebook?”
“Never mind,” he cut out. “5 PM. Is that good for you?”
I nodded.
“See you tomorrow, Hayden.”
He left. I went sitting in the nearest bench and put my hands in my head, full of butterflies in my stomach but also despaired. I had let myself do what I should have never, ever done. The feeling of being nicely approached by another person again had been too much a shock to my mind, that a decade of training suddenly had faded out.
I had been so stupid! Meeting him didn’t turn off the scream in my brain: it only made it louder. My performances during the night were surely about to get even worse, and Darrell would investigate about it. I knew he would. Our mission was far too important not to investigate if I was surrendering to the main thing that weakened our power.
Yet I didn’t dare think of leaving Douglas. Ever.