From that day, I hanged out with Douglas on a regular basis, without Darrell and Miss Ward suspecting anything. We would meet in front of our pub and then have long walks together, while he’d talk of his life, his experiences and I...well, I’d do my best to hide my real occupation. It was terribly hard: Douglas wouldn’t stop telling me things like ‘You can tell me’ or ‘There’s no need to be ashamed’, with that sweet and at the same time demanding attitude he was a master of. Douglas had a talent for convincing people to be confident with him. Eventually, I had to take off that danger once and for all, and took the only possible solution: inventing. According to my new story, I had been brought up by my uncle who lived in the countryside, too far away from any village to make friends, I had moved to Plymouth only recently and I was working as a night guardian in some building. Luckily, he believed me.
Love...what a wonderful privilege to feel it. Years and years of hate and training hadn’t foreseen this kind of attack. Darrell took for granted my training would make me avoid everyone by myself. He hadn’t thought someone would offer me unconditioned love. He should have done something to make me forget my memories where I was loved. What if someone with worse intentions than Douglas had baited me?
But all these are thoughts I made much more time later. Those days, there was no other thought for me but Douglas. Douglas, the first one after years to be interested in me. Douglas, who took me by the hand when we were together, just like my parents used to do. Douglas, the guy who was making me see the beautiful side of the world once again, who was reminding me that being human could also feel good.
The day I remember most, the most beautiful memory I have, is one that happened after not meeting him for three days, because of a massive presence of Apollonids in Exeter that had required me and Darrell to settle directly there. Three awful days. Despite being with other three Darkfires, and being my first time meeting other members of the Order, we never introduced ourselves, and we’d talk only when necessary. Not a single smile, not any kind of interest to each other. It had always been like this, that’s true; but before Douglas, it was pretty easy not to realize it. I hated those days with a passion, not the cold hate I was supposed to feel, but the passionate one that lead to loss of control. When we came back to Plymouth I was so happy, happy like I had never been for years, but I had to hide it behind the usual inexpressive look, until I was alone again in Plymouth the next afternoon.
Once there, I ran onto the pub’s direction, deprived of all mental chains, and at the same moment I saw Douglas waiting for me, I hugged him, tightly, for the first time. He laughed, another sound I had missed so badly, caressed my head and said quietly: “It’s all right dude, I’m here.”
“I missed you,” I cried.
“I missed you too,” he confided.
Reluctantly, I let him go.
“Remember when you didn’t want to see me because I was a fag?” he joked.
“I’m sorry for that,” I said with a little voice, my state of mind like the one of a child. “I’ll never do it again...”
“Yes, yes,” he patted me. “Well, have you ever been my home? We may have dinner together and then you can stay the night if you want...”
I wanted to accept it so bad, that my tongue was already bending itself to say yes. But it was readily blocked by what remained of my sense of duty. Instead, I said: “I...I can only stay for dinner, Douglas...”
“Oh right, I had forgotten you work by night.”
“Well, we still have a lot of hours together,” I said happily.
“You’re right!” he laughed again. “Let’s go then.”
His house was in one of the residential suburbs, a flat similar to the ones I and Darrell used to live in when we still lived close to London. It wasn’t luxurious, but it was furnished with good taste: the white of the sofa and the shelves in the living room, the lively tones of light-blue of the wardrobe and the sheets in his bedroom made it so bright and cosy, unlike the manor I lived in, mostly made of opaque solid stone and dark wood. We stayed some time in the sofa, chatting happily, with the company of some drinks he had in his fridge. Half of me urged me to escape, to come back to what I had to do, repeating to me I was putting into risk the entire world; but whatever it kept saying, I couldn’t give any more a damn about it.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
“Douglas,” I whispered after a while, posing one glass of wine in can, “thank you for being the first one to give me love. I do not feel anymore lonely or angry with the world.” I started crying tears. “Thank you...”
“Oh, Hayden,” he said. His arms wrapped me like the softest blanket ever made, keeping his head close to mine. My arms were moving by themselves, like if they had a will of their own, closing around his body.
Suddenly I felt a very strange sensation somewhere. It was so new and intense, yet so familiar for some reason.
Our lips were touching each other, then our hands started moving.
Suddenly, our hands touched each other’s body, and then our chests.
The sensation became stronger. I didn’t know any more what I was doing and why - all I knew is I needed to do it.
I took off my shirt.
He did the same.
That new sensation was now in full control of my brain.
It was unlike anything I had ever felt, it was – I knew it – something that had deliberately denied to me for my whole life.
It was FANTASTIC.
I was in a totally WILD state of mind, I wanted NOTHING but HIM, EVERY PART of HIS BODY.
MY WHOLE ESSENCE was in contact with HIM, NOTHING ELSE existed any more.
It was LOVE, it was LOVE in its PRIMORDIAL FORM, the ANIMAL side of ME that I had finally taken out of me.
IT WAS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD.
Finally, we both screamed, and suddenly a I felt great prostration, taking place of that wonderful state of mind. We just lay down on the sofa and hugged each other with all the strength we still had left. He was so lovely, so delicious, so everything. Our hair was a mess, but our eyes were like those of children on Christmas morning.
“Wow Hayden,” he weakly said, out of breath, while caressing me, “have you never done it before?”
“N...no,” I trembled, still full of emotion for what I had discovered, “w...what...wh...what...happ...happened?”
Douglas made me a tiresome smile.
“You just became a fag, too.”
***
When night came, I was completely dazed. I had a stupid smile on my face that I couldn’t cancel, and as I walked, my body kept wobbling. Darrell, at our usual night meeting point, noticed my state at the same moment we met.
“Hayden, you look strange.”
I didn’t record instantly someone was talking to me: I was reliving that wonderful sensation of wild love once again.
“What?”
“You look strange, Hayden,” he pointed out severely, “you’ve been acting strangely recently, but now it’s worse.”
“I am fine...”
“We’ll see that soon,” he commented. “I sense Apollonids coming to the East part of the city this time. Let’s get a move and see to act properly.”
No smile, like always. After that, while we ran into the East part, I remembered vividly that once I knew a very different Darrell, much more similar to Dougl-
No. I would betray myself I kept thinking about it.
But I couldn’t feel any hate; not after what happened that afternoon. The world wasn’t the horrible place I used to believe: I had discovered something that was truly good. I was in love.
My powers had vanished.
“Hayden!” Darrell shouted. I reconnected with the world, and suddenly Apollonids were all around me.
“Can’t you even concentrate? Use that damn hate of yours, you idiot!”
He had never talked to me like this. He had been cold and distanced, but never so rude. My powers started to come back. The fireballs appeared. Darrell, the one who had taken me away to that wonderful sensation. Darrell, the one who ruined me forever. He came out of my life and took me away from my natural being. If it hadn’t been for him, I could have maybe just set up to Ireland, with my relatives, have a normal life, grow up there and love them...but no. Darrell destroyed everything. Who cares if the world was destroyed? At least I would end my life surrounded by people who loved me. Apollonids didn’t matter any more.
It was Darrell the one I wished to be dead.
My hate was pumping throughout my veins...
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”
I looked around myself, like waking up from a nightmare. What I saw filled me with horror.
The Apollonids I should have fought had just burnt down three houses.
“DON’T DO ANYTHING ELSE, I’LL TAKE CARE OF THEM FOR TONIGHT!” He roared, hopping mad. I remained motionless, the carbonized corpses in front of my eyes. Some were children. Darrell, empowered by his rage against me, defeated all the Apollonids.
I had killed those children.
It was me. It was my fault.
“LET’S GO OUT OF IT BEFORE THEY FIND US!” He abruptly took my arm and forced me to run. I ran spontaneously, desperately, to escape not only from the arrival of the police, but from what I had done, from my negligence. I was in my car, and I drove as fast as I could, fleeing to our manor, where no one would find me.