Chapter Ten: XP don’t feed the family.

“NO! NO! NO! NO!”

We’d barely settled into our awkward vigil by the castle’s outer gate when the man came charging out of the keep, his arms and body flailing like an inflatable tube man outside a tire store.

He was impossibly tall. Like, nearly seven feet. And he was so thin he looked like he could slide under a closed door. His receding red hair, slicked back into a ponytail, only accentuated his angular, sharp-edged face. Every inch of him, from his pointy nose to his bony fingers, looked like he’d been constructed entirely out of corners.

He wore silken robes in the house colors of Longhorn, which billowed dramatically as he came to a halt and pointed an accusing finger at us.

“You’ll track mud into the duke’s residence!” he bellowed, his voice as sharp as the rest of him. “You’re filthy!”

“Awright then,” Jinx said, cocking his head. “Wotcha propose we do?”

The man bristled at the suggestion, visibly offended by both Jinx’s tone and existence. “You will address me by my proper title,” he snapped. “Octavianus Axius Lucretius, Majordomo of this castle.” He straightened his already impossibly straight posture, looking down his nose at us with exaggerated importance. “Now, state your business with The Duke.”

“Mercenary business,” Jinx said. He pulled out the quest notice and held it up.

“Very well, then,” Lucretius said, the look of shock and horror leaving his face. “You are welcome to have an audience with His Highness.”

“Thank you,” Jinx replied formerly.

“However,” Lucretius wagged his finger at us. “You are still muddy and poorly presented. Except for you,” he gestured at Heather politely and bowed. “Priestess of Amania, you carry the cleanliness and purity of your goddess.”

He pointed to the left and smiled. “The rest of you will bathe and dress accordingly to show respect to the master of the castle and duke of this Province.”

“We shall indeed,” Jinx said, bowing slightly, nodding the group to follow. “Thank you for your ‘hospitality.”

We headed to the left as instructed and found a standalone building just inside the wall. It was about the size of a double garage with two doors. There was a small bench outside, and Heather sat down with a huge grin.

“You’re the dirtiest one in the bunch,” I muttered to her as Gem opened the left-hand door. The boys shuffled into the right.

The damn priestess stuck her tongue out at me. “You only wish.”

“There’s that mean girl energy I’ve been missing.” I shot my tongue out at her in return.

The bathhouse was luxurious, the kind of place that could ruin you for ordinary baths forever. The massive, tiled tub was set into the floor, filled with hot, perfumed water that practically begged you to sink into it. A pull chain above the tub summoned a hot rain shower that drenched the entire space in a steamy downpour.

Gem and I wasted no time unequipping our clothes and slipping into the bath together. We laughed and splashed, rolling around as we soaped and scrubbed each other under the rain, the heat washing away the grime from the nasty road.

When we were finally clean, Gem yanked a second chain, and a blast of warm air enveloped us, drying our skin and hair in seconds.

She worked her magic on my unruly hair, braiding it with practiced ease before pinning it neatly.

She dressed in a sharp suit, complete with form-fitting pants that gave her the air of someone who could negotiate a truce or kick down the door with her massive haunches if things went south.

On the other hand, I went for the dress from my starter kit. It was strapless, made of deep red velvet trimmed with cream-colored lace, and had an empire waist that made me feel regal and slightly overdressed for whatever madness awaited us. I slipped on simple black slippers and added a gold necklace I’d scavenged from the camp’s treasure chest—unenchanted, but it did the job.

When I finally caught sight of myself in the mirror after days of grime and chaos, I froze. The sun hadn’t just kissed my skin—it had apparently just decided to have its nasty ass way with it. More freckles seemed to have multiplied across my face.

I leaned closer, inspecting my reflection. Between the explosion of freckles, the bright hair, and the cosplay dress, I looked like I’d stepped out of some cartoon. I felt like the comic relief, or maybe as the overly optimistic sidekick in someone else’s epic quest.

“Oh, my fucking God,” I said, gazing at my reflection.

“Which god?” Gem said, standing behind me. “You need to be more specific if you want people to take you seriously.”

I looked at her through the mirror. “I seriously can’t believe this is my body.”

“Eh,” Gem said with a shrug. “It’s nice. I like it.”

“But freckles? Really?”

We gathered in front of the keep’s entrance, freshly cleaned and dressed in whatever finery we could. Jinx looked nearly the same as always, only now he wore blue silk robes with gold trim that added a hint of flair. Kev, on the other hand, had gone all out. He wore tights and an elaborately embroidered purple doublet with blue sleeves and far too many ruffles. The pièce de résistance, however, was the metal codpiece he’d chosen. It was a gleaming monstrosity that was both alluring and unsettling.

Unlike the muddy village outside, the castle grounds were spotless, paved with dark gray stone, making walking around in formal wear a surprisingly low-risk endeavor. Still, I couldn’t shake how strange it felt to be in a dress. As a costume, yeah, I was all about it, but this was me trying to be a grown-up. Then I looked at Kev again. This world specialized in strange, so I just decided to roll with it.

Majordomo Lucretius finally granted us entry after a painstaking inspection of our attire, which included more than a few disdainful sniffs. We passed his standards.

He led us through the main doors into a tall, cold vestibule made of the same dark stone as the exterior, polished to a mirror-like sheen. Banners bearing the Duke’s insignia hung from the high walls. Lucretius gestured us toward benches along the side of the room, where we were to wait.

A few minutes later, a dwarven servant entered from a side door, pushing a cart laden with coffee and pastries. It seemed we were in for a delay before being received, though at least it wouldn’t be on an empty stomach.

After about thirty minutes, Lucretius returned and led us through another set of doors into a far, cozier waiting room. This one had a warmer feel, with dark wood-paneled walls and richly detailed tapestries. The parquet floor was a work of art, with intricate geometric patterns inlaid with delicate slivers of gold. A large fireplace on the right side of the room crackled invitingly, its warmth a welcome change from the chill of the stone vestibule.

Two dwarven guards stood by the doors at the far end, their armor polished to a blinding gleam. We barely had a moment to take in our surroundings when those doors swung open dramatically.

“Welcome!” A rich voice bellowed across the room. He was human but with apparent dwarf ancestry. He had dark brown hair, brushed back and neatly tied in a blue ribbon, a short, well-trimmed beard to match, and a physique like nothing I had ever seen. His shoulders were outrageously broad, and he had almost the same proportions as a dwarf but was just under six feet tall. His bucket-sized neck made his voice sound like it bellowed out of a bullhorn.

“Travelers! Friends!” he barked joyously, “Welcome to Longhorn!” He quickly surveyed the party, stopping at Heather. “And welcome Priestess of Amania.” He bowed slightly. She returned it politely.

“I’m The Duke of Longhorn, Yarnaen Tettienus Lupinus Longhorn.”

A woman emerged from behind him and took her place at his side. She was nearly identical to the majordomo in height and build, but her features were a little softer, with an angularity that pointed straight into the room. Her pale skin was flawlessly made up, and her bright ginger hair was intricately braided, held in place by a hairnet and six dazzling pins.

Her corset and dress worked overtime, hoisting her modest cleavage well above my eye level. The dress was a masterpiece of green fabric, adorned with gems and silver embroidery that shimmered in the light.

Her long, sharp, polished nails added an extra edge to her already spidery hands, making her seem less like a person and more like an elegant arachnid. She was undeniably striking, but she was also terrifying—like a giant insect queen preparing to devour her prey. I did not want to be in her crosshairs.

“My wife, Aelia.” He said, beaming at her.

“Welcome to our home,” she said, bowing her head with a smile. “I hope you find it comfortable.”

“Yer 'ospitality ain't lackin'.” Jinx said with a smile and bowed. The rest of us followed his lead. “And fank you for the use of yer facilities an' refreshments.”

“You are most welcome,” she said, stepping from her husband’s side and walking up to our group. She strolled by each of us, giving us a quick inspection. She stopped at me, “You look adorable in that dress.” Oh, shit…

“Thank you, ma’am,” I said, not knowing what else to say. I bowed my head. I could feel my face turning beat red. She was a striking woman, even if she was as scary as all Hells. She towered over me and radiated authority. My body responded in ways I didn’t think were in my best interest.

“I’m sorry,” Aelia said mischievously. “I didn’t mean to make you blush.” She reached out and gently brushed my fiery cheek, and a little surge of adrenaline and panic shot through me. It was like being licked by a lion. “Half-elves are so rare out here. It’s always such a pleasure to see one.”

“Um,” I gulped and put on a smile. “Thanks?” I remembered something The Whisperer said about being fetishized. My cheeks lit up anew. The creep vibes off the woman were staggering, especially since the lady looked like a human mantis. But for some reason, I was still getting a little turned on. I was not used to this shit.

“That’s very kind, especially coming from someone as beautiful as yourself.” She inched a bit closer to me. I felt tiny next to her. Her perfume was amazing, and I could feel a slight weakness in my knees; something about that scent made me feel…hard to say.

“So precious.” Aelia said, stepping back to admire me, “And what is your name?”

“Regan. ma’am,”

“You should call me Aelia.”

“Down, woman!” Longhorn chuckled at his wife theatrically. He strode up next to her. “Our little farming province is not exactly in the middle of things.”

He put his hand around his wife’s waist, gently guiding her back a step. “We don’t often see such a wonderful variety of Imperial races in our home, so please excuse our over-enthusiasm for those visiting from distant locales.”

“No need to apologize,” Jinx said, jumping in with a big grin. “I'm well an’ envious of someone wot gets to live out in the beautiful natural splendor.”

“Well, there’s plenty of space in my province for more.” Longhorn grinned at us. “We do have business.” He led his wife to the side of the room with the fireplace.

“Lucretius, we will be moving to the study.”

“Guards!” Lucretius barked, snapping his fingers. The two guards stepped forward in unison.

“Just us,” Longhorn said flatly.

“Of course, my Duke,” Lucretius bowed deeply. “I’m only concerned with safety.”

“I’m sure a group that travels with a Priestess of Amania wouldn’t have come all this way to bring us harm. This discussion will be held privately.”

“As you wish, my Duke.”

He held his hand to us and ushered us into the room he came out of. Aelia stayed by the fireplace. I glanced back to make sure she stayed there. I wasn’t ready to deal with that…whatever that was. She gave me a wink and smiled. I just grinned back at her politely and consciously steadied my breathing.

Once the door closed, Longhorn dropped his enormous smile.

“By the fucking Gods, that woman,” he muttered after shutting the doors behind him. He held up a finger to us and quickly walked over to the enormous crescent-shaped desk at the end of the octagonal room. The walls had bookshelves, couches, and several small trophy cases. The wall behind the desk had a six-foot-wide map of the province.

MAP ADDED:

LONGHORN PROVINCE:

WIDE PLANE COUNTY

BLUE CREST MOUNTAIN COUNTY

GREYSTONE FOREST COUNTY

He quickly opened a drawer, pulled out a control rod similar to the one I got with my mage lamp, and tapped it on a brass plate on his desk. The room's floor, ceiling, walls, and doors erupted with amber runes that circled and flashed for a moment before fading out.

“There,” he said, tossing the rod back into the drawer. “This is not a conversation that will leave this room.” His cheerful demeanor quickly vanished with the fading of the privacy spell.

“First of all,” he said. “Apologies on behalf of my household.” He looked at me. “My lecherous wife most of all.”

“It’s okay.” I was hoping there was a hole somewhere in the study; that way, I could bury myself in it.

“She’d like to sink her claws into anyone young and new that comes this way. So again, Sorry.”

He settled in his chair and gestured for us to take ours. Six seats surrounded the desk, so everyone had one to choose from.

“And her cousin Lucretius is a bit of a prick as well. If I had any wisdom to put out in this world, it would be never to hire your in-laws.”

“Wot would you 'ave us be doin' for you, yer lordship?” Jinx asked after they were all settled.

“I appreciate your straightforwardness,” Longhorn said. “But my wife managed to wreck all sense of etiquette with her sloppy advances.”

He settled back in his chair and examined each of us, his eyes studying our faces. He was all business now. “With whom am I dealing?”

“Apologies, me lord,” Jinx said, pulling a ring out of his inventory and the notice. It was the same ring he touched to it to start the quest.

“I'm Jinx, party 'ead. This is Kev, the big geezer, 'eather the priestess, an' the lovely satyr is Gem. We're registered wiv the Mercenary Guild an' authorized to accept posted quests.” He slid the ring and paper across the desk.

“And what about you,” Longhorn said, nodding to me.

“Regan Moon,” I said. “Rogue.” I smiled with a slight shrug.

“Joined us on the road, she ‘as,” Jinx said. “She’s in the party but not part of the guild.”

“I would imagine not.” He shrugged, looking at the paper and ring. “I honestly couldn’t give a load of my finest manure if you’re with the guild or not, so have at.” He slipped the paper and ring back to Jinx. “The job’s simple enough, but the backstory’s a pain in the fucking ass.”

“Let’s get to it then,” Jinx said, accepting his paper and ring back before settling into his chair.

“About three months ago, A bunch of frosty bitches from the Cult of Gelruth came through my muddy little village out there.”

“Ah, Hells,” Kev interjected. “Frost elves, right?”

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

“Hells is right,” Longhorn said. “Tall, blonde, and frozen to the core. It took a couple of days for me to find out, and I bounced their bony asses out just as quickly as that, but they managed to make off with a few of our people.”

“Those people being?” Jinx said.

“My former foster, Eric the Idiot, among some others. Since turning sixteen, he had pretty much moved into the inn. They either seduced him or enchanted him. Don’t fucking know, don’t fucking care.”

“You want him back then?”

“It’s not that complicated. He’s another of my wife’s cousins, and I’ve had to put up with the ungrateful brat for six years. He just came of age, so fuck it. He’s not my responsibility anymore.”

Longhorn spun around in his chair and opened a small cabinet behind him, pulling out a bottle and a handful of glasses. “That woman and her fucking family.” He plunked the glasses down and decanted the bottle.

“She gave me an heir and a backup, so I can’t begrudge her too much.” He poured out six glasses and pushed them out to us. He hesitated with Heather. She smiled and shrugged, reaching for the glass.

“But I lost my attraction for red-haired women after she managed to flood this castle with so many of her relatives that they displaced the rats.”

He held up his glass and toasted bitterly. “To missing rats.”

“Missing rats,” we murmured out of unison. We downed our drinks together. Oh, baby, I fucking loved it. It was a buttery whisky with an herbal aftertaste that warmed my throat and mouth with a slight tingle. Man, the booze was good in Murder World.

“I told you it was a long back story.” He set his empty glass down. “They’re squatting at an old keep straight north of here called Pridehelm.” He pointed to the top of the map where it was labeled.

MAP LOCATION UPDATED:

PRIDEHELM KEEP

My internal map placed the keep just outside the province at the foot of the mountains. I briefly mused at this before Longhorn jumped back into the story.

“Now,” He continued. “As you may have gathered, I wouldn’t give up the left tit on a breastplate to get my wife’s useless cousin back.” He poured another drink. “But a month ago, one of those frost maidens pounds on my door with an offer of ransom.”

“Ransom?”

“I know, for a fact, that there are no men in the cult. I’ve had it scouted out. So, they had some nefarious purpose for the men they captured here, and I’m sure Eric cried out my name to get spared from whatever fate they had in store.”

He took another shot. “They wanted ten thousand GP for his safe return and gave me until the First Caedasin of Clarus to deliver.”

He smirked. “She’s safely locked in my dungeon.”

“So why not send your men?” Jinx asked.

“Different province.” I pointed up at the map.

Longhorn nodded at me with a raised eyebrow. “Right, you are, little one.” He slapped his glass on the desk. “And fucking Sardrod Hillrock wouldn’t mind in the least if a dragon cult tormented my people for all eternity. But, if I send my own men up there, he’ll take that as a hostile act, and I would have to deal with an Imperial grievance.”

“Right then,” Jinx said. “The offer?”

“I won’t pay anyone ten thousand GP for the safe return of my idiot-in-law, who I’m not even legally responsible for.” He poured another drink and capped the bottle. “But I will pay ten thousand GP for someone to raise Pridehelm Keep to the ground.”

“Fire, all right then?”

“Burn the whole fucking place and every icy bitch in it.” Longhorn pulled out the quest sheet from his desk and quickly noted it, sliding it forward. “There’s about twenty of them in all, I think. All magic users, and probably not that powerful, based on the one I have downstairs.”

“Give us a sec, Your Grace,” Jinx said.

Party Chat:

Jinx: Thoughts?

Gem: We weren’t planning on making that much on the entire tour.

Kev: I know, so what do we do then?

Regan: He wants us to kill twenty people. Why am I the only one that has a concern about that?

Jinx: Because you’re the only one that don’t know anything about dragon cults, love. They want to bring an all-powerful apex predator into this world. Even Heather would be on board with it.

Regan: Why the fuck would anyone want to do that?

Gem: They believe the dragon will give them power—and frost elves like the cold. So, a frost dragon sounds like fun for them.

Kev: I’m in. We can take them.

Gem: Me too.

Jinx: Regan?

Regan: What the fuck ever. Sure. By the way, why isn’t Heather in the party?

Jinx: She was a bitch earlier.

Gem: We like her now, though.

Regan: We should totally invite her in.

Jinx: We’re done.

“I do have a question,” I asked, raising my hand like in school. Longhorn looked at me momentarily; I put it down quickly, realizing I looked like an idiot.

“And what would that be?” he replied, his voice starting to slur slightly from the drinks.

“Two, come to think of it.”

“Go on,” he said, starting to look irritated.

“Why pick us?”

“Honestly,” He said, a frown forming on his face. “No one else has come.” He leaned back in his chair. “Not out here in this Gods’ forsaken country.”

“No one?”

“And time is running out. It’s the Third Arcomin of Funa already. So, I have less than two weeks until the deadline.” He shrugged. “I have no idea what will happen if I don’t. I’m not worried about them, but no one puts the screws to Longhorn.”

“Okay then.”

“You had another question?”

“Yeah, that whiskey. I don’t suppose you could pour me out another glass?”

The party just looked at me like I just asked him if it was okay for me to take a dump on his desk.

Longhorn bellowed and clapped his hands. He raised a finger to me with a smile and spun his chair around. He pulled a sealed bottle out of the cabinet and set it on the desk before me.

“A gift.” He scooted it toward me. “For one who appreciates the good stuff and has had to put up with my wife.”

“Thanks,” I gleefully took the bottle and slipped it into storage. “You’re the best Duke ever.”

The dwarven features of his ancestry lit up with an expansive grin. “You’re most welcome.”

He took two beats as he looked at us before rising to his feet and holding out his massive hand.

“Do we have an agreement?”

“Yeah, we do,” Jinx said.

He stood, and we all joined him. Jinx shoved his hand into Longhorn’s, and the deal was done.

“That bird you got locked in yer cellar,” he pointed down. “We’ll take ‘er wif us, that’ll ‘elp get us in.”

“My thoughts exactly.” Longhorn pushed the document to Jinx. “I’ll put spotters on the roof. When they see smoke coming out of the wretched place, I’ll release payment through the Guild system.”

“Agreed.” Jinx read the paper and pushed his ring against it.

PARTY QUEST

RAISING OF PRIDEHELM KEEP

The Duke of Longhorn has had enough of the Cult of Gelruth. After taking several citizens hostage utilizing seduction or enchantment, including Eric the Idiot, the cult has gone too far. Raise Pridehelm Keep to the ground with fire and eliminate the threat.

REWARD:

10,000GP

We emerged from the castle and were directed around the right toward the dungeon entrance. We were allowed to switch clothing before leaving and were ready to trudge back through the mud to the carriage with the cultist prisoner.

The sun was shining brightly in the mid-morning sky, bathing the courtyard. Morning dew vaporized off the heated dark grey stone, leaving eerie clouds of fog.

“We should be hitting the keep right before nightfall,” Jinx said. “We just have to tow this witch with us, but she won’t be giving us any trouble.”

“I’m all about eliminating the Cult members there,” Heather said. “But the deception you plan on using is a little distasteful.”

“It’s the safer option,” I said. “If we use a smile to get them to open the door and let us in, then we have the benefit of surprise.” I skipped a little to keep up with the group. “If we just start blasting fire at the door, we lose our advantage in the fight.”

We reached the entrance to the dungeon, where a cheerful dwarf stood guard. He raised a hand in greeting, his grin as bright as the lantern hanging above the door.

“Name’s Stibs,” he said, his voice hearty and warm. “But folks ‘round here call me Ironbeard. Darn glad to meet you!”

Jinx, the big grump, snorted and handed him the orders from the duke. Stibs read it over and unlocked the door with a grunt and a hoot. He passed through and yanked the heavy door closed with a clang that rattled my ears. He called out an apology to us from behind the door.

“I understand the tactics,” Heather said. “The whole thing is just disturbing for me.”

“Yeah, but dragon cults are hard on the world,” Kev said. “I know the Church of Amania would back us up on this.”

“The Goddess supports cleansing the world of tainted beliefs,” Heather said. “I wish we had a better approach, is all.”

“They're gonna be dug into a dungeon wiv only one way in or out, most likely.” Jinx said. “So, the furver we get in there wivout fightin’, the better. We can 'old up and fight from a defendable position.”

“So, what’s the deal with these guys anyway?” I asked.

“They are basically at war with half the continent,” Heather said. “If they unleash a dragon, it will decimate everything.”

“So, fuck those guys then?”

“Yeah,” Kev said. “Zero mercy.”

“But can they, I mean, really do that?”

“In theory,” Jinx said. “'s been done before, a long, long time ago. Took out a chunk of wot we call central America in about a week. The thing's still there. They're lazy fucks, so they don't travel far once they've got a layer established.”

“That was thousands of years ago. Most of these cultists are just delusional,” said Heather. “There’s very little chance they have the magic to summon a dragon.”

“But they do a bunch of nasty shit trying,” Gem said. “Those witches weren’t recruiting. They were harvesting.”

The door opened, and the guard pulled the prisoner we were waiting for by her chains.

“Oops,” I whispered, my face getting hot and the usual rush of bodily excitement.

“Down girl,” Gem whispered back.

The prisoner was a frost elf, looking like a Norwegian supermodel cast in a Ziggy Stardust-inspired Christmas special.

She stood about six feet tall, her athletic frame clad in a short black robe with a thigh-high slit and a plunging neckline that didn’t leave much to the imagination. Her long, muscular legs looked like they belonged on the cover of a fantasy fitness magazine.

Her bright blue eyes glimmered beneath a cascade of white hair like freshly fallen snow—yes, snow. Her pale skin caught the morning sunlight, glowing with a faint blue shimmer that made her look otherworldly. Even her lips were a deep, frosty blue, like she'd just kissed the Arctic.

Her features were smooth and sharp, strikingly androgynous. She was flat-chested, broad-shouldered, and carried herself with a kind of regal elegance that the chains couldn’t diminish.

“Not fond of that sun,” she said, turning her face away from the morning light. She spoke with something that sounded like an Eastern European accent. “I hope you’re here to take me back home.”

“The Duke has agreed to your terms,” Kev said. “We’re hired to deliver payment and retrieve Eric.”

“That’s good.” She said with a smile. “My sisters were getting pretty tired of having him around. The novelty certainly didn’t last more than a week.”

She surveyed the group as the guard unlocked the shackles. “Oh, look at you bunch.” She said. “A Priestess of Amania in tow, really? I certainly hope you’ll try to convert me on the way back. It should be fun.”

“If you are willing to listen to the word,” Heather said. “I’ll do my best to explain it.”

“And a brute,” she said, ignoring Heather. “A ranger and a wizard, of course.” She stopped and looked at me. “And just what are you supposed to be?”

“The comic relief,” I said flatly. “I’m the funny one.”

The cultist chuckled. “And I thought that was what the Priestess was for.” She rubbed her wrists when the shackles were removed. “I’m Acolyte Leoleth of the Church of Gelruth, Lord of Ice.”

“Be a good acolyte so we don’t have to chain you up,” Kev said.

“I’d gladly let you,” Leoleth said with a coy smile. “I’m sure I’d be quite an enjoyable prisoner. I’ll be at your mercy all the way there.” She let out a sigh that dripped with low-budget drama. “The guards here just don’t have the stamina to keep me interested, and once I get home, I won’t be the center of attention anymore.”

With a collective eye roll, we led the frost elf out of the castle grounds.

The muddy street met us at the gate. Two of the duke’s men led us down the middle of town, with the party in a defensive formation behind them. I was on point for some reason, with Leoleth directly behind me, flanked by Kev and Jinx. Heather and Gem took up the rear. When the mud got deep, I struggled through; I glanced back and saw Leoleth gracefully stomping ankle-deep without breaking stride. I almost got run over by the towering elf woman.

“It must be a challenge for you,” Leoleth said in mock sympathy. “Such little legs in such a tall world. Is that why you live in a dwarf kingdom?”

“Real estate’s more affordable,” I grunted at her. “Less icy bitches too.”

“Ouch,” the elf said. “Little, funny, and mean. And here I thought you were just little.” I stepped up my pace to keep ahead. “But seriously, what is your role in the group?”

“Bass player. It sucks because the lead guitarist and the frontman catch all the tail.” It was obvious to me that Leoleth was digging for intelligence on the party, and while it was clear what roles the others had, she didn’t know what I did. I pinged the rest of the group on chat, telling them not to reveal any information.

“I have no idea what that even means.”

“It means I work as hard as everybody else in the band, but I don’t get the recognition because my instrument is not as flashy. So, all the chicks dig the other guys.”

“Chicks? You mean little birds?”

“No,” I said. “Babes, hotties, smokin’ mamas, foxes, groupies, floozies.”

“I’m not sure if you’re the funny one or not,” Leoleth said as we reached the stables.

“Unfortunately, she is.” Said Kev.

“So, you’re the little pink-haired jester girl.”

“You pegged me.” I smiled at her.

The stable hands brought the horses around, and Gem and Kev started hitching them up.

“So,” I said, leaning casually against the carriage, “How’s the whole dragon-summoning gig going? Like, on a scale of stupid to bat-shit crazy, where does that even land?”

Leoleth straightened, her frost-blue eyes gleaming with pride. “We work to bring his glory to Nya. Such a goal could take years, even centuries. But he will reward all of us with life and power beyond anything this world has ever seen.”

“Centuries, huh?” I snorted. “With your looks and that bod, you could be modeling in Nya’s version of Paris, rolling up in limos, sipping champagne. But sure, centuries in a basement works, too.”

“Again,” She gave me a flat look. “You make no sense.”

“No sense? C’mon, girlfriend. You could be living your best life, enjoying Hot Girl Summer. Instead, you're cooped up in a dungeon with a bunch of smelly geeks trying to summon a dragon that’ll probably eat you. Sounds like a dream.”

“You know nothing, you little half-breed!” Leoleth hissed.

“Who's the mean one now.” I glared at her. “You’ll like the inside of the carriage, nice and dark like your basement.”

I opened the door and gestured for her to enter. Leoleth slipped inside without another word. Gem and Jinx shrugged and entered after her, followed by Heather. I climbed up to the box to join Kev. I didn’t want to spend the next half day talking to that icy bitch.

“Catty,” Kev smiled when I sat next to him. “Here,” he said, handing the reins to me. “You need to learn this stuff anyway.”

I struggled to get the horses moving, even with Kev’s help. After a few awkward moments of trying, I managed to get the carriage moving and led it slowly around the livery and out the town's main gate.

“Bye-bye, Mud Town.” I sang to myself as we got back onto the highway.

It was a half a day’s ride north from Longhorn to the keep. The Imperial Highway out here was impressive. It was wide enough for two carriages to pass by each other easily and was elevated above the muddy fields of wheat and corn that the province was famous for. Small communes were clustered along the highway along the road on elevated land.

NEW SKILL:

COACH DRIVING: LEVEL 1

The skill appeared about thirty minutes after we entered the fields. Almost immediately, I understood how to steer the coach more effectively.

“Cool,” I said. “I just earned a skill.”

“It’s pretty amazing,” Kev said. “You Rifters are lucky like that. The skills come easy from just a bit of practice until you get caught up.”

“All I’ve done so far is stab stuff.”

“There,” Kev said, pointing ahead and to the right. “Those are bog rats.”

I saw bipedal animals scurrying around the rows of corn, eating and scattering. They were about the size of golden retrievers, covered in filthy grey and brown fur, and had long rat faces.

“Gross,”

“You have a bow, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Climb up and shoot as many of those things as you can as we go by. Those are big rats, a pest for the farmers because they eat everything. And they are too nasty to just kill with a hoe.”

I climbed to the top of the carriage and pulled my bow out of inventory. I nocked the first arrow and aimed. The motion was smooth, like motor memory. I had done it before but hadn’t thought about accuracy or range. This time, I took my time and imagined where the arrow would fly. I pulled back, aiming at the nearest bog rat, and released it.

The arrow flew wide, extremely wide.

“Fuck,” I muttered. Kev chuckled.

I pulled another arrow and did the same; the result was the same. I pulled a third and targeted a rat further down the road. I let the arrow fly, and it still missed with another wide margin.

“Keep at it,” Kev called back to me. “Just don’t miss so bad that you hit me.”

“Challenge excepted.” I barked at him, pulling another arrow out of her inventory.

It took twenty-one tries before I finally hit one, which prompted a congratulatory message:

DEFEATED BOG RAT

+10XP

There was no other reward, just a little XP.

“XP don’t feed the family,” I muttered, pulling out another arrow.