A dark sunset inside a room. A room with many empty windows.
There was no outside. Just a falling sun. An invisible illusion of a star.
There were shadows behind me, shadows made of light. It felt exhausting, claustrophobic-. The blue and red walls of a never-ending room, they were constantly moving. Up and down, despite not being able to notice it. The south was short, and the north was long. In the center of the universe, there it was. A revelation that took me away from my body.
The silhouettes ate me. I fell inside them, twirling insides palpitating. Nausea. Throbbing flesh and guts, five tongues, quintessential eyes.
The path that opened with a knife - it was foul, foul and sickening. The corpses laid there as I curled next to them, crystalizing.
I woke up with a sharp, cold needle of fear inside my heart. And the warmth of a hand made the pain jump to my throat. Paralyzing.
But the softness of the fur, as I opened my eyes, comforted the incessant anxiety.
- “Sir- Are you okay?”
- “Kio-… Morning. Ah, hi Loe… I overslept- Sorry.”
Kio had come to wake me up, while Loe was cleaning up the room. Well- not wake me up, considering how high the sun was, how Loe was almost done with the carpet, and how Kio was on his fifth cup of tea.
- “Oh, no, sir. We just wanted you to rest… Ah! The prince himself came this morning to… visit… So we explained the situation. He said it was fine, as long as you showed up for dinner today instead.”
- “I see… Did you sleep, Kio?”
- “Yes, sir, don’t worry. I came here early morning to guard the door.”
- “I made him get inside, seeing how worried he was, sir. I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have, I thought you might approve of it.” – Loe bowed slightly, duster in hand. - “That it would be comforting.”
- “Ah… I’m sorry- I mean- Thank you. You two got so worried, I-… I’m sorry. I just keep causing more and more trouble, don’t I-…? Even when you have been so kind… Aaaaah- Perdón- Soy un desastre-”
- “Sir, sir, it’s okay. Calm down. You don’t cause us trouble. I promise.” – Kio put his reassuring paw on my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed how cold I was, or how much I was sweating, or how the air was constantly leaving me as I tried to get it to stay. I couldn’t breathe - but I was breathing too much. The world was getting blurry - was I going blind? No, no. Is fine. Is fine. It’s fine.
- “Y-Yes. I… God, I was so stupid. You were right I-. I knew. I knew it wasn’t safe. I knew it. I’m a stranger, I just came to cause trouble, to fuel a war. They were right to try to get rid of me. I can’t ignore that I’m seen as a light that will guide them to doom. Maybe- Maybe I should-”
- “Sir-”
- “I should have let them take me.”
- “Von! Sir, please. I’m just… glad you are safe. Please.”
- “…………………Ah………………… I’m sorry. Yes, it’s… It’s fine. I’ll… I’ll get ready.”
Kio left the room, saying he would bring me breakfast. Loe, who had stayed silent until now, immediately started helping me dress up, much to my dismay.
To be fair, I was so exhausted that I went to sleep with my clothes on; my body ached so much, I didn’t refuse the help.
This outfit also seemed quite tricky to put on.
A blue robe with a leather belt – or corset? -, a dark undershirt, and a lot of golden details. A uniform.
- “Does it feel uncomfortable anywhere? Any part that doesn’t fit?”
- “No… It’s good. It’s comfy.”
- “I’m glad. The robe was a women’s, so the tailor was worried the cut might bother you.”
- “…This is a mage uniform.”
- “Yes.”
- “…Why am I wearing a mage uniform?”
- “Well, it was requested.”
- “But I’m not a mage.”
- “Wait, they didn’t tell you?”
And just as she was about to continue, Daien entered the room.
- “Hello.” – Daien greeted us, carrying her staff with her. – “Von, you’re late.”
- “Ah- Huh- Hi.”
Kio came in right after her.
- “Sir-. Lady Daien found me, and kind of- wouldn’t stop asking to come see you-…” – He looked confused for a second, eyeing me. Then suddenly – “Ah! I brought breakfast” – his tail started wagging.
- “You brought food for like four people, Kio-”
- “Well, I thought I’d accompany you with a little snack.”
He started placing the trays on the bed. Loe, who was still by my side, ruffled my hair and whispered gently, as if to not interrupt the inexistent conversation.
- “Eat well, you’ll need it for your first magic class. Lady Daien will probably tell you about it, so I’ll take my leave.” – And then, she went back to her normal tone. - “If there is anything you need, just ask, sir.”
- “Magi- Of course. Of course.” – I started mumbling while sitting on the side of the bed. When I noticed that Daien was still standing - even after Loe left - I called her over to sit next to me. Kio grabbed the same chair he used during the morning. We had our make-do bed picnic. I apologized internally to Loe, since we were probably going to get crumbs on the carpet.
- “We are late - I’m late because of you, Von.” – Daien pouted as she sat down, pulling my sleeve.
- “Sorry, sorry. But- let’s eat something first. Did you have breakfast already?”
- “No, I was waiting for you.”
- “Ah. Then let’s eat together.”
- “Uh… Oki… Just for a second.”
She grabbed a sandwich, one of the many. Apparently, Kio just loved sandwiches. I had some tea to start. It tasted like cinnamon…
‘… Maybe I’ll make an apple pie tomorrow.’
It went on to be a chatty, cozy morning. A nice way to start what seemed to be a long, long day. Minutes flew by with silly conversation - mostly just Kio telling us about his life here.
- “…so, that’s how I ended up appointed as a soldier! I owe it to the Captain. He had a lot of faith in me, so he supported my involvement, even when I had no experience in the battlefield.”
- “Right, you were fighting during the first half of the war-” - I mumbled while doing a chomp. Heheh. Chomp.
- “Yes, personally escorting the Queen.”
- “Wait - why would the Queen be on the battlefield?”
- “Courtesy, I guess? It’s a tradition for the rulers to guide the soldiers. Something about it being disrespectful to the opponent if they weren’t there.”
- “I can’t get a hold of all the traditions… Wait- The Captain said something about replacing swords after a battle- Is that also something-…”
- “Yeah. In the central region it’s common during battles to bury people with the weapons they were killed with, when possible. If you killed someone with your weapon, you have to leave it behind, or you might end up cursed, since their soul will know it was you who murdered them.”
- “…So they just drop all the weapons after a battle is over? Leave them there? Just like that?”
- “Yes. It is also part of the reason we have a forensics team alongside the medics. Quite the curious thing.”
Daien grew tired of the conversation at this point, pulling my sleeve again.
- “Von, we are late.”
- “Ah, right.”
- “Mizuen said he wouldn’t stop until he saw you holding your own staff.” – She sounded almost worried about it, not letting go of my sleeve.
- “So he was the one who- Agh. Alright. Let’s go. He won’t let me skip on this, anyways.”
Kio was quick to reassure.
- “Sir, I think he just wants you, who happens to have a talent for magic, to train enough to protect yourself on the battlefield.”
- “Kio-. I’m not pissed just because he wants me to learn magic. I’m pissed because he never asks before doing anything! I never have a say in it!”
- “Ah… Yes, yes that’s fair. I’m sorry, sir.”
While Kio left with the empty trays, I was finishing my newfound morning routine. Daien grabbed my hand this time, looking down.
- “Did I make you mad?”
- “Wha- No, no. Your brother is a bit annoying, that’s all. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
- “You sure?”
- “Yeah. It’s all oki-doki.”
- “All oki-doki!”
We laughed on our way out, walking together, later joined by Kio. She didn’t let go of my hand, even as we climbed into the carriage. I didn’t mind. Her presence was warm and calming. She was like a cup of tea after a snowy night, with the first rays of the sun reflecting on the ice crystals. Which reminded me that, back home, winter should be starting soon.
Would my mom be alright without me? Winters were awful for her; seasonal depression and arthritis don’t go well together. Was she lonely? I knew my sister would take care of her, but she had her own life too. Her own family, her job-. She wouldn’t be able to take my mom for walks at the beach or make sure she took her meds. She already had a child with immunodeficiency to take care of.
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I listed the oh-so-many things I was neglecting by not being there. The many responsibilities I was taken away from. Even if it was something small, like leaving a comment on every video from a channel of a really small youtuber I liked – or something big, like making sure my mom was as healthy as possible, or supporting one of my friends through her traumatic break-up.
It felt like holding a bag - a bag full of stormy water, spilling all over the place. Such a mess, that I couldn’t even think of a better metaphor.
I failed to ignore my ever-present anxiety, looking out at a lively noon from the carriage window. Watching people go on with their lives. I wasn’t inspired by it today, but jealous. Purely jealous. The unfairness of my fate was eating me up - because I wasn’t there for others. It would have been nice if, at least, I was able to be bitter for myself. For my own pain and mourning.
But everyone else weighed heavier in my heart.
At least those were people I truly cared about, I told myself.
- “... Tengo que volver pronto.”
- “Huh?” – Silencing my internal ramblings, Daien interrogated me - by pressing her face really close to me, actually.
- “…Nothing, I just… I really need to go back home.”
- “Oh… Uh…”
- “Mm?”
- “But… Mizuen told me we weren’t able to find a way.”
- “……………………………..?”
- “Uhh… You can’t go back to your world. We don’t know how to do that.”
- “…Oh… Uh…”
I laid there in my seat, feeling as though both time and the carriage had stopped, letting the words wash down - just like the water in the bag. Daien didn’t let go of my hand, even when she moved away.
I was calmer than I expected, though.
It was assumed, it was easy to see coming. I congratulated myself for not being disappointed by the obvious truth.
Then again, one could only handle so much before the light leaves their eyes.
Kio opened the small window behind the driver’s seat to talk to us.
- “Sir, the flea market is already up, so we have to take a detour. We’ll take a bit longer.”
- “Uhuh…”
- “Sir? Are you okay?”
- “Eh…”
- “Sir- You look- What happened?” – He turned to look, muzzle almost hitting the window frame.
- “I can’t go back home.”
- “…Oh.”
- “Kio I can’t go back home.”
- “Y-Yes sir, I heard you-”
- “I can’t go back home…”
- “Sir- Uh… Let’s talk about this later, y-yes? I’m sorry- I’m a bit- I need to pay attention to the road-”
- “Sure…”
He was in a hurry, as expected of a driver.
Daien pet me, out of nowhere, as I kept sulking in my seat.
- “Don’t worry, Von. We will keep searching. There is still a lot to research.”
- “Thank you, Daien. But it’s fine. I had assumed this is what would happen.”
- “I promise we will find a way. There is a lot Mizuen and I don’t know about magic.”
- “Ah… Yes, that’s true. There is still stuff to discover. I should do my part and help too.”
- “Yup! So you have to pay attention while I teach you.”
- “You’ll teach me?”
- “Yup! Mizuen said I was the best for you. He said I did a good job helping you!”
- “Ah, yup! You were really helpful.” - Pat pat pat.- “Then, I’ll be glad. Thank you for taking the time.”
- “It’s oki. I don’t have much to do anyways. I just do magic.”
- “Yes, that makes me wonder- Daien, what do you do in the Court?... Ah- I didn’t mean to sound rude, I’m just curious.”
- “Well, Dad said I should be there. So I’m there. They talk about the war and so, but… Uhh… How to say it…”
- “Mnh?”
- “I feel like I never know what to do. So I’d rather not say anything. If I say something stupid, the Director’s gonna get mad.”
- “Oh… I feel that. I was so nervous the other day- I felt like the Count was going to beat me up-”
- “Right? The Director is just really mean-”
Time passed like waves, a stream of air. I started playing around with the sleeves of my new uniform.
I consciously ignored the life sentence that had been imposed upon me, and kept focusing on talking to her. Her calming presence, the warm spring air, the lively voices of the crowd far away as the carriage finally left the city…
It was going to be fine, yes.
Anticipation built up for no reason, as the Academy grew larger and larger in the distance, until I noticed the ride had ended. After we stepped off the carriage, at the edge of the yole tree’s shadow, Kio brought it to the barracks.
We circled the darkened borders, just like everyone else - it was just the time for students to have their lunch break, a pleasant meal under the sun. They didn’t approach us, as one would expect, but their curious eyes were sharp and painful.
Daien guided me inside the building - through giant varnished doors that revealed a beautiful corridor, purple and blue opening to each hall in the building. Condecorated with paintings that served as markers, the ceiling colored in an eternal mosaic of a starry sky – it all guided towards the golden carpet in front of the stairs. It laid there, marked with Argatha’s emblem: the ron-kón. A majestic bird that was said to reflect the rays of the sun on its feathers. On the shield, it said: tasto va ra unisíma Aragatia. Such was Argatha’s original name.
The beautiful stairs guided us across many equally beautiful floors, each ceiling decorated with a different time of the day. Finally arrived at the fourth floor, a beautiful mosaic sun greeted us, the visitors. Daien, who hadn’t let go of my hand until now, went ahead and knocked on the door at the end of the hall. The Director’s office.
A noise informed us that we were allowed to enter. It was to my surprise (despite knowing) that Count Latrei was the one within the room, lunch half-finished. I looked at Daien, confused, but she just let go of my hand. My only support gone, I felt defenseless against the incessant drumming that resonated throughout my body.
- “Director, I brought him.”
- “First you say good evening. But thank you. Von, right? Sit down. I hope you are alright. I heard rumors of what happened yesterday.”
Count Latrei’s rose gold hair gleamed with the light from the window behind him, making his figure seem more mystical than expected. Such a benevolent tone for the man I only knew to complain and berate.
I sat down in silence.
- “You look confused… but that’s to be expected. You haven’t been told why you are here for, I assume?” - I felt my muscles tense up, almost jumping from my seat. - “Don’t worry, it's just a simple test.” – He continued, setting his lunch aside.
- “…Well… I’m- I’m not- I didn’t even know I had to come see you in the first place-”
- “Ah, yes. That’s a bad habit of Mizuen’s. I apologize on his behalf, since I was the one who allowed this to happen. He said it was a waste to not have you learn the fundamentals of magic, even if you didn’t meet the qualifications to join the Academy.”
- “And you let him…?”
- “I told him he was allowed, as long as he took care of the proper paperwork and assigned you a qualified tutor that was not troubled by the schedule. I should have assumed that he had plans for everything already.”
- “But I’m a- I don’t- Doesn’t it take years to master?”
- “Yes, surely. But you are not incompetent at all. It’s easy to see that you, who managed to learn the basics of a language well enough in no more than a few days, and who displayed an understanding of the basis of magic by creating a turbulence that would take years to be able to produce, are capable of great things.”
- “Ah...No, no. You think too highly of me, sir. I don’t think I’ll be of any use anyways-.”
- “I just speak the facts, young man. I… I wish you weren’t of use - you are just a child. If possible, I wouldn’t send a child to war, much less one who cannot fight. But you, against my best wishes, are being sent to the battlefield, just like my students. So are many of the citizens of my region, as well as my co-workers and friends. Because we haven’t- because we weren’t able to accept surrender. So I want those who will fight to be as prepared as possible. I wish you weren’t of use so you wouldn’t have to suffer that fate, but we don’t have that privilege.”
- “Sir-… You are more considerate than I expected.”
- “I like to do my job properly. It’s my pride to be competent.”
- “You sure are passionate about it huh-”
- “And so should you. May we start the test?”
- “T-Test- What’s the test about?”
- “Nothing big. It’s just the basic one, but you’ll only be doing the practical part. I don’t think that studying theory at the same level as other students will help; a mind that has been in a completely different society has a different perception of things. I think that should be preserved.”
- “So…”
- “Your affinity is wind, yes?”
- “M-Maybe? I don’t know.”
- “Make this little ball” – he placed a wooden ball in front of me, perfectly round and shiny – “float. It might seem simple, but it takes quite the amount of effort and control.”
- “I haven’t used magic since then, I don’t think-“
- “Here.” – The Count handed me a pair of gloves and a twig. No, a wand; brown and white ramifications blending into each other across the slightly worn out middle. – “In case you don’t know, these branches help amplify the energy all living things exude.”
- “I thought so… It felt like that last time.”
- “Don’t hold it for too long barehanded. Put on the gloves. The wood feeds off that energy, you don’t want it to grow. It will debilitate you until death if it has the chance.”
What a grim announcement. I almost dropped the wand.
Finally equipped, I closed my eyes to try and focus. Far away, four stories away from the grounding of the dirt, the breeze, and the leaves.
Daien whispered to me.
- “Control comes from inside, they say. Don’t control the energy. Control yourself.”
I tried to make sense of those words, as the room grew darker and darker in my view.
The warmth of life moved around the tips of my fingers, brushed my cheeks, tickled my forehead. It wound itself around me like a serpent, and it left me like a bird, leaving no more than its shadow of a breeze.
I held my breath as the wooden ball slowly started to float. I felt tingles on my palm. It was agonizingly strange. Like it went numb, yet it craved release. I felt my flesh pleading to leave my bones bare. A restlessness that wouldn’t let me concentrate. A feeling I was barely accustomed to, yet knew well.
When the mind tries to leave the body, the body tries to leave itself too. That’s how it felt.
The ball fell flat on the table before dropping to the floor with a thud. With just a few seconds, I was sweating, cold, and gasping for air. An eternity in suspension left me weakened.
Latrei offered me a glass of water.
- “How do you feel? It was less than optimal, but this was quite literally your second time using magic. It must have been exhausting.”
- “I feel like… I feel like I want to rip off my skin.”
- “…….That’s quite… the statement. Then there is a lot of practice to be done.”
- “…That means?”
- “You pass by the bare minimum. Consider this a token of apology, for having my student cause you such trouble.”
- “What an honorable man you are, Count. But you shouldn’t be paying for him.” – Be it that my own exhaustion made me bitter, but there was a lot I wanted to say to Mizuen at that moment. Not that I would dare.
- “Had I done something when I could, maybe Mizuen would be different. But his ambition is too high. I’ll take the blame, as his mentor.”
- “I thought Io was his mentor.”
- “Not quite. I think ‘parental figure’ fits the label bet- wait. We aren’t here to talk about that. Don’t distract me.”
- “…Sorry.”
The Count – or should I say, the Director – started searching inside a drawer. He got out a little roll of white fabric, tied with a golden ribbon.
- “Stand.”
- “Y-Yes.”
Even though I was shaking, the Count’s absolute order made me stand without even realizing it. He walked towards me with such grace, such elegance. I was so far away from him.
The Count’s poise was a vision I couldn’t reach.
I wish I had taken more time to look at him.
All I remember is that… he looked so tired…
The little white roll ended up being almost like a tie. A long, triangular slice of soft fabric, with Argatha’s emblem. A golden border at the end, and a diamond-shaped pin at the top.
- “This is your mage license. I hereby declare you, Von, with my authority as Director of the Academy of Aragatian Arts, an official mage, under all the accorded exceptions applied to your case. You have been assigned the special rank of black diamond, thereby declaring you are not traditionally fit for a license - despite my declaration.”
He pressed the pin against my chest like a button. It clicked into a slot under the golden leaves holding the tunic up to my shoulders.
A newfound sense of pride filled me, much to my surprise, as the Director smiled ever so slightly.
- “Now, go and make me proud. I’m not the only one who saw something in you.”
- “… Thank you.”
- “No, Von. It was due to our incompetence that you were forced to participate in all this. You shouldn’t thank me. I may not recognize you as fit for your position as a tactician, nor yet assume you’re loyal to our cause, but that doesn’t mean I’m not aware we are at fault.”
- “Sir-. I was the one who insisted at first that I wanted to try magic. Had I not done that, Mizuen wouldn’t have considered this.”
- “I suppose… But even then, the way you have been dragged along is not proper at all. Ah, a reminder - or not, since you might not know. While this license allows you to use magic outside of the Academy, this is normally not earned until you have completed your studies. That’s why you have the black diamond, it means this is an exception. Also, you need to have your license visible at all times - it’s required by law. Even more in your case. You are still no more than a student, but there is no way for us to adapt the course for you. You have less than a year, and need a different education.”
- “I wonder how much paperwork was needed for this…” – I mumbled, holding the license up to admire the emblem.
- “Quite the amount. You should thank the princess for all the work she did.”
- “The princess?” – I was surprised the Director was able to hear me, but the answer was more striking than that.
- “Yes. Amongst their many responsibilities, both her and Mizuen were the ones that dealt with the bureaucratic paperwork needed for you to stay. I assume no word of it reached you?”
- “Now that you say it, sir, I never had to do anything related to that-…”
- “Indeed. The fact you were allowed to enter the Court’s room, appointed to your position, or able to study magic. Even being considered a citizen, by all means, took a lot of paperwork. But looking at your state the first days you were here, I understand why they didn’t want to burden you with it. I, myself, added to the stress you hold.”
- “… Ah… Uh… Ah, Director, shouldn’t you finish your lunch?”
- “…? Yes, yes I should. Since that’s done, you are free to go. Thanks for bringing him, Daien. And for taking him under your care.”
- “It’s all oki, Director. I’ll do my best!” – Daien pet me once again. I hadn’t noticed that she never sat down. – “Uh… We! We’ll do our best.”
- “I know you will. Take care.” – The Director turned to me, grabbing his (now cold) lunch once again. – “Feel free to explore the Academy. From what I heard from Mizuen, you seem to be quite the avid reader, am I wrong? Our resources are open for you, as they are for any student.”
- “Y-Yes- Uh… Thank you. We’ll be leaving now, then…?”
He just bowed slightly as we left the room.
Daien was holding my hand again as she dragged me downstairs, passing the students that were going back to their classes. It was hard to believe that an hour had already gone by.
We headed outside, towards a now cloudy spring day. Towards the yole tree.