My eyes snap open, whatever dream I had vanished in an instant, overshadowed by the pain that suddenly fills my body. I yelp and feel my hand clinging to something.

The sudden pain leaves my head empty for a moment, I can't grasp my surroundings or what is happening to me.

I'm being held. I'm feeling… warm. Despite the pain.

"For God's sake, Eon."

I hear the doc's voice but my head needs a moment to process his words, my breathing is heavy, exhausted, and honestly, that's how I feel. I didn't even realize how I was trembling till now. I can't stop my body from shaking.

"I'm sorry, you have to bite through the pain." My vision focuses, I see the glowing eyes of the doctor, kneeling in front of me, slowly retracing his hands covered in blood.

"You sure?" I freeze. My head just comes around to understand what it means to be held while the only person I expected to see is in front of me with his hands nowhere near my body.

"If I put him to sleep again, his heart may stop for good."

"Dosage?"

"No. He was willing to part. We need to keep him awake. Can you get up?"

I feel unable to react. A sudden fear mixed with the pain prevents me from moving. I want to protest, I want to break free, get far away from the man holding me, carrying me. But I can't.

And that's not reasonable thinking either. I don't care if I couldn't even stand on my own legs – if I could move at all, I just don't want to be held by him of all people. I'd rather crawl through the black mud of this city than be held by him, but… there is nothing I can do.

The fear leaves me frozen, and the pain disables me from sudden movement. But I feel every muscle in my body tense up. I don't want to be touched by him. Suddenly, I feel... nothing anymore. Only the pain that shakes my body violently.

The only thing that reaches me is the voices around me, the doctor's analytical tone, "He's dissociating."

"Probably for the better." And this low, gentle voice vibrating through my shaking body. I hate it.

I feel movement and flinch due to the pain it causes me. There is no chance I could walk on my own but part of me would rather sit it out in Thayer's apartment. That's the sound of anxiety and pain – I know full damn well that I wouldn't survive Thayer another night – but moving away from here is just… Too much right now.

"We should move fast, the longer he has to endure this, the riskier it gets. Can we trust your people?"

The Shadow chuckles ever so slightly at the doctor's question, "They will do their part just fine. Eon has a way of making friends among us."

"He would probably argue that."

"Of course he would." God damn right I would, but I can't – The only thing I can do is pant in vain, trying to regulate my breathing be it just to have something to focus on besides the lingering anxiety.

"Hm…" The chuckle has faded into this sound that's filled with a sense of reverie.

"What is it?" Of course, this sudden shift doesn't escape the doc either, and other than I, he is in a position to ask.

"I remember carrying you to safety all these years ago." The Shadow's voice seems softer than usual, gentle even. As if the memory is both hurtful and reassuring.

"That's one reason why I contacted you."

"I'm glad I'm still someone you trust, despite everything."

"Sometimes that's all we have left. Good faith in the wrong people for the right reasons."

I wish I could pull myself together enough to look at them, see them, evaluate their expression, their body language, but while I can catch little glimpses my head is barely up to the task. The bits and pieces of information stick but I don't find myself able to make sense of them. Not yet anyway.

They remain silent and I can only assume that there is an unspoken agreement to not dwell on it, to not further speak about it. I would probably do the same; no one likes dwelling on the past. Not even someone as open and easy-going as the Shadow. There is a deeper layer to every person in this city.

I see the high walls passing by as I am carried through this massive apartment. Funnily enough none of Thayer's staff members crosses our way. It's like they are just conveniently absent wherever we are, and yet the doc and the Shadow move fast.

They are determined to get out of here with me in tow, and I can't stop nor hinder them. I'm being kidnapped and I don't know how I feel about it.

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

Thayer… will eventually kill me. For years this thought was lingering in the back of my head, resurfacing every time I woke up in the morning in his empty bed assessing the damage. And every time I wondered if he would care.

Now I know.

He wouldn't. If he kills me, it will not be an accident. He kept me alive through the torture, made me feel everything and more, he could keep me in a cage and abuse me for days, keeping me on the verge of death and life. And he would enjoy watching me taking my last breath under his power.

It would be the pleasure to end all pleasures. And then… He would move on. Just like that.

I know his life is paved with corpses, I know I'm just two steps away from becoming one of them. But… The thing is… I know. I have a perfect picture of what all this means, now more than ever. I know what the pain feels like, what the torture feels like. I know what he is capable of, and while it is gruesome it's the only thing I know for certain.

I can calculate it, I can brace myself for the impact, I can prepare. I can't imagine anything worse than dying by his hand but at the same time, the fear that something worse is possible makes me want to stay here. Stay with the well-calculated risk and danger instead of heading into the unknown.

I am scared. With every step they take me further away from the bedroom, I feel the knot in my throat growing. My nails dig into whatever I hold onto and I realize how hard it suddenly is to breathe.

I feel dizzy, overwhelmed by emotions and tears. Everything in my body is ready to jump out of the Shadow's arms if it wasn't for the crippling pain.

My thoughts are racing, as is my heart.

"Sunshine, focus on me." I can't. This voice betrays me yet again, my eyes move through the room, searching for something to latch onto, something to focus on. But the only thing they meet are deep green eyes, so dark they almost seem brown.

"Breathe. In," he takes a deep breath, "and out," and exhales loudly. Again, and again. And my own breathing falls into his rhythm slowly, but surely.

I breathe in and I breathe out.

In.

Out.

I feel my senses slowly coming back as my vision starts to clear up a little. We came to a halt, I'm somewhat leaning against a wall, the Shadow kneels in front of me, covering me with his body while keeping his distance. He let go of me, gave me space to collect myself, gave me room to get back to my senses… Why?

The hands I feel on my back and shoulder to keep me in a somewhat upright but careful position, aren't the hands of the man who had just carried me.

It's the doc carefully making sure I sit in a way that won't further harm my body.

I… I can't recollect the past two minutes. I can only puzzle together what must have happened, and how it came to this situation.

My gaze is locked onto the Shadow's. There is something deep beneath the green I can't really catch. There is a sense of stoic calmness that puts me more and more at ease, and he keeps looking at me as if to make sure I won't jump right into the next panic attack.

"I know I have given you no good reason to trust me thus far," his voice is low, calm, gone is the nonchalant undertone he carried throughout all of our conversations. It's the calm I need right now to keep my thoughts in check.

"But I am here to help you. If you stay…" he shakes his head, dismissing whatever he was about to say. "I know it is scary, but you can do this. I know you can. You're strong, stronger than you think. You're still breathing despite everything, and you will keep on breathing."

I take a deep breath, try to collect myself, keep the tears contained. I cried so much since Thayer had entered the room and yet there is still so much more I could shed.

I feel like there is no stop to the grief and pain I feel. But… what exactly am I grieving? The things I lost or the things that could have been?

"I try…" These are not the words I wanted to escape, but they did so anyway. I want to yell at him, be mad at him, curse and swear, and chase him into damnation. But his words resonate with me, they speak to a part of me I thought lost.

A part that is still fighting, a part that is still stubborn, persistent to move on, to reclaim my emotions and my autonomy. A part that's willing to survive no matter what and fight for it to the bitter end.

I'm just too exhausted and hurt to let this part take control… For the first time in my life, I need to let others fight for me. After all, I still need answers. And I will get them, no matter what.

"I need to carry you, tell me when you're ready." I swallow hard. I still don't want him to touch me, but I have to allow it. I close my eyes.

Ironic, isn't it? I'm used to being tossed around, stripped of my own voice. It would be easier if he would just lift me up on his arms again and dismiss my feelings about it. Just get me out of here and be done with it.

But here we are again… I'm confronted with a concerned and careful approach, completely overwhelmed by the fact that I have a choice.

Well… Partially. He made it pretty clear that he won't leave me behind. But for a moment, I absolutely don't doubt that he would just sit down next to me and wait for however long it would take.

I don't tend to find out and therefore will never get proof of it but… Just thinking about the possibility that he would try anything else before going against my wishes is suffocating.

I don't know how to feel about it, not with the betrayal I feel. Would he be so considerate and risk so much just to gain my trust? Other people would, I'm sure. But… what about him?

Gods I want to know. I can't explain why, but not knowing is adding hurt to my physical pain. Is this… heartache?

"I'm ready…" I whisper. "I'm ready," I repeat to myself.

With the assistance of the doctor, he takes me back onto his arms before slowly getting up. I keep my eyes closed but I feel the doctor pulling and pushing my body and the Shadow's arms gently into place, making sure I am carried in the least painful way.

I feel the pain, I try not to flinch and gasp with every movement, but it seems more bearable without my whole mind fighting this escape.

The fear lingers, the anxiety keeps a hold on me. We slow down every so often on our way out of this huge complex to assess my state.

We barely avoid the old tailor setting up his shop at this late hour due to being slowed down again and again by my rising dread of the unknown. But the moment we step off Thayer's property, I feel the tension fall from my shoulders.

The anxiety of losing the control I could still hold in a well-known environment mixed with the fear of being caught without me realizing it.

Just now it becomes apparent how much of this dread was filled with the fear of Thayer's reaction. The thought of staying – although fatal at its core – instilled the disillusion that I could calm his anger.

There was a tiny voice in my head that told me that staying would be safer, that I could appeal to the Bear's common sense, to his humanity, that I'd survive it if I just submitted properly. This disillusion gave me a false sense of security, something that's completely lost if I try to run.

For the first time since I woke up I feel like I'm not just inhaling and exhaling air, no, I feel like I'm finally breathing.