Excerpt from The Delectable Deeds of Dumpy the Dragon

It will come as no surprise to anyone that dragons tend to prefer solitary existences. Nor that the creatures throughout Foodlandia prefer alliteration when at all possible, regardless of whether such a thing is entirely reasonable or sensible. The Dumpling Dragon is no exception to this.

Born over a thousand years ago at the height of the 1st Ravioli Revolution where the Dwarven Gastronauts finally overthrew the evil Epicurean empire led by the notorious Ravenous Raviola, the Dumpling Dragon came to maturity in strange and uncertain times.

The Gastronaut leader Tortulumpkin, who led the Gastronauts to victory against Raviola, fought for the right to manufacture and distribute tasty tortellini, only to be overthrown soon after by her fellow Gastronauts in a coup during the annual Manicotti Masquerade. Observing the Dwarven conflict led the Dumpling Dragon to the steadfast belief that the only truly worthy stuffed pasta was, you guessed it, the dumpling.

Convinced of his superiority in all things stuffed, the covetous creature sought to reach out to the dwarves to open a discourse on all things pasta. Sadly, dragon discourse often includes wholesale destruction of property and frequent fire breathing. Unbeknownst to Dumpling, other sapients don’t take kindly to this kind of behavior and the dwarves promptly responded with violence.

Taking this as confirmation that the Gastronauts were incorrigible, Dumpling proceeded to evict them from their mountain and took up residence in their cannelloni creation cavern. Luckily for Dumpling, he was able to repurpose their factories into dumpling manufacturing plants and was able to live for several centuries doing nothing but lazing about consuming his favorite treat.

To make his life easier, Dumpling also “recruited” an odd mix of Doppelgangers, Dryad, and Drow to assist with the creation process. Not enjoying being press-ganged into dumpling production, the doppelgangers began shapeshifting into the very thing they were forced to create in an effort to escape detection.

Unfortunately for them, this very quickly backfired and Dumpling ate them into near extinction. The Dryad and Drow, on the other hand, simply evolved over time into Dumpling Drow and Dumpling Dryad, evolutions that allowed them to form dumplings through arcane means. This pair of double d’s became infamous for their dumpling creation efficiency and world-renowned for their soft, juicy mounds. The Dryad were even able to begin growing dumplings wholesale from the dumpling seeds magically created by the Drow. Needless to say, the Dumpling Dragon was pleased.

Unsurprisingly, many coveted the dragon’s moist mounds along with the other various treasures he held in his hoard. As a result, an adventurer town formed nearby utilizing an ingenious dumpling-based economy. While found to be unsustainable, the economy kept the town well-fed for decades before its inevitable collapse. Those pseudo-suicidal adventurers that braved the fiery depths of the Dragon’s lair eventually became known as Dumpling Delvers.

Alas, as happens so very often with the longer-lived races of Foodlandia, Dumpling eventually became dissatisfied with simply eating dumplings and decided that he would be an excellent food critic. Throughout his restful years in his mountain, Dumpling had constantly studied any and all magic that might help assist in his search for the next tasty meal. By somehow keeping a single derelict doppelganger alive, Dumpling was able to learn mutation magic, allowing him to shrink himself down into a humanoid form and thus blend in with the other enlightened races. Regrettably, Derrick the derelict doppelganger was incinerated soon after he let slip that raviolis were a type of dumpling and that dumpling was also a term of endearment.

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From the Dryad, he learned that outside of dragon culture, burning things to the ground was frowned upon. From the Drow, he learned that everyone loves large mounds and that going by the name “Dumpy” would greatly assist him with assimilating into other societies. Ever the supercilious one, and armed with this new wealth of information, Dumpy convinced himself that he could infiltrate regular societies throughout Foodlandia and fulfill his new dream of trying all the foods of the world and become the greatest food critic of all time. Leaving his lair with a stern warning to everyone not to touch his stuff, Dumpy set off on a journey that would last 150 years and would span all of Foodlandia.

Throughout his many adventures, Dumpy encountered hundreds of culinary cultures and quickly became known as a quirky critic of all foods. His strange yet apt criticisms eventually earned him the worldwide recognition he so yearned for. At the height of his recognition, he even visited the world-renowned cheesemaker, Mimolette. Their encounter culminated in Mimolette realizing that Dumpy could change the size of any part of his body, leading to a truly carnal coital interaction in a giant tub of queso that both would think back on fondly in the latter years of their lives.

Dumpy even earned himself a dwarven food critic rival with whom he sparred in the various food critic publications throughout Foodlandia. After a particular nasty op-ed where his dwarven rival, known only as Devious Dave, personally attacked his credibility, Dumpy spent over a decade searching the world for the subject of his ire. Much to Dumpy's frustration, the dwarf had set up several dummy corporations and dozens of ghost newspapers to prevent exactly this sort of thing. As such, Dumpy’s vengeful search was bound to end in failure and the disgruntled dragon was eventually forced to give up the chase and continued his travels to taste the foods of the world.

Unfortunately, Dumpy’s delight in his own fame and the fantastic feasts he attended was short-lived (for a dragon at least). Similar to Mimolette, Dumpy eventually concluded that the great age of food had ended. Dumpy convinced himself that he had tried everything of worth. Eventually becoming rather jaded, Dumpy sought advice from a variety of healers and spiritual gurus to help him overcome his frustration. Dumpy’s search for advice eventually led him to learn about the Pixie Prophet Collective. Dumpy was surprised to discover that these austere augurs were widely regarded as some of the best diviners in the world. After learning that the Pixie Prophet Collective was not just a sick indie band, but literal, actual prophets that use their righteous beats to reach the masses as effectively as possible, Dumpy sought out their guidance. When Dumpy was finally granted an audience with the renowned psychics, the Pixie Prophet Collective told him he would one day meet a fartist (food artist) worthy of his praise, but that he would need to wait hundreds of years before they would be born.

Exasperated by the news and confused by the term fartist, Dumpy concluded that the only solution would be for him to go into a deep sleep to await the next great age, trusting that his nose would awaken him when the chosen one was finally born. Dumpy then returned to his home, promptly roasted the remaining Dryad and Drow, who had become feral and cannibalistic after being in isolation deep within the mountain for so many years, and curled up among his hoard to hibernate until he could once again taste Nirvana.

This author, for one, awaits the so-called "chosen one" with trepidation. With the entirety of Foodlandia preparing for the arrival of a new food guru, great change and outlandish events seem to be just on the horizon. Only time will tell if the foretold events will benefit Foodlandia, or if they mark the beginning of the end for our great civilizations.