After years of searching, I think I have finally found the perfect cheese experience. I have spent my life in pursuit of cheesy deliciousness. I have tried every type of cheese, from cheddar to keskaval. I've had it melted. I've had it frozen and sautéed. I've had it new and I've had it old. I've snorted it and taken it as a suppository. I've bathed in it and once even had an IV of liquid cheesy goodness.

Unfortunately, that last one led to a hospital visit and a dressing down from the doctors. Oddly enough, the doctor seemed far more worried about how I got the IV than the fact that I used it for cheese. They must see some weeeird stuff. But no matter. I'm no garden variety weirdo. I'm simply a cheese gourmand and I don't care who knows it.

Today, I have a new experiment. It's not even that crazy. Well, probably not that crazy. They say I've squandered my inheritance and the significant insurance money, but I couldn't disagree more. With the last of my funds, I have completed the work on my lifelong dream. An indoor, Olympic sized Pool filled with liquid cheese, complete with a diving board and customized tubing and jets specialized specifically for pumping vast quantities of the highest quality fromage that a middle-class college graduate with heavy amounts of debt can afford en masse… off-brand Cheesewiz.

The workers have finally left and I can't stop drooling. All of the strange looks and off-color remarks are finally over. My engineer friends who helped me design this marvel tell me it's probably not a sustainable design, but I don't care. I'm minutes away from accomplishing my life's greatest desire and nothing can stop me from enjoying it. I've prepared my floaties. I'm wearing my jammers. I've showered and sterilized my body to prevent contamination, and now I'm ready.

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I toss on "Big Cheese" by Nirvana on my speakers. I put on my goggles and slowly get up on the diving board. I do some light stretches in preparation. I jump up and down slowly and finally decide I'm ready. I perform a perfect dive into the cheese.

I swallow just a tiny bit of cheese upon entry and can't stop smiling. I'm cheesing like I've never cheesed before. My life is complete. My vision is filled with nothing but orangey goodness. After about ten seconds of bliss, I realize a few very important things. First, I'm not floating. Second, I forgot my floaties. The third, most important factor, is that I don't actually know how to swim. Normally, with the floaties, this wouldn't have been a problem, I would have floated to the top. When I made the plans I even told myself that I should start off easy and go in feet first in the "shallow" area, but in my excitement, I completely forgot. I initially put off swim lessons to conserve money, and I guess in all the craziness of building the pool I never got around to actually learning to swim.

I initially start to panic. What was I thinking?? How could I be soooo stupid!? I immediately start flailing about, trying to figure out which way is up. After about 30 seconds of panic, I realize a fourth--equally important--thing, I just accomplished my life goal. I immediately calm down and try and enjoy the experience of looking for a way out of this mess. I soon realize that I'm toast. There's no way I'm making it out of this mess. My only regret is that I didn't get to experience my nirvana for as long as I wanted. With my lungs burning for air I can think only one thing, "Worth it." Unable to hold my breath any longer, I inhale a lungful of cheese whiz, and the world goes black.