You ever get that awful feeling in your tummy that you forgot something incredibly important? Like you get to school or work and have no belt on? Or that nightmare when you’re in front of your class with no pants on? Well, right about now, I have that feeling times a thousand. It’s like I’m a 5-minute walk from home and I realize that not only do I not have pants, I’m not even wearing undies and the only reason I noticed was the soft breeze on my undercarriage. That kind of feeling. Not a fun feeling.
But seriously, I have no idea what’s going on right now. The last thing I remember is fulfilling my life’s goal and dying a gouda death. A good death. That’s what I meant to say. A good old cheese-related death. I would not have had it any other way. So, what exactly is going on here?
I can’t see. I can’t move. I can’t really feel much of anything. Strangely though, I feel pretty peaceful… apart from the metaphorical pants I seem to have forgotten. Not too worried about it actually. Unless… Oh god. Is this heaven? Hell? Seems more like some kind of purgatory. WHERE’S THE CHEESE!? If there’s no cheese… I can’t even-
System initializing… please wait
Oh, thank the lord. I was getting scared there for a minute. Hopefully, this explains something. Definitely still weird though.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The dots seem really unnecessary.
Thank you for your patience!
Literally no one was patient. I’m already pissed there’s no cheese.
Initializing Administrative Procedures
Welcome to Dungeon System v. 1.7.4
That… that’s a confusing number of versions.
Due to your cheese-irific expiration, you’ve been given a second chance.
The cheese gods smile upon you. Your new companion should be arriving shortly with more information. On behalf of all of us here at the System Writer’s Guild, we thank you for your continued patronage. We know you have no other options, so please take any complaints you may have and shove them up your bum.
Ok… now that was odd. A System Writer’s Guild? So much for the mystique… I guess I won’t be complaining anytime soon. A dungeon system though eh? Sounds like I’m in a dungeon I guess? Wait, cheese gods, plural? Who the…
“Suuup?” I hear suddenly
“Gaaah! Who’s there?”
“What up yo. I’m Fat Dave. I’m your new dungeon fairy bro.”
“Wow, that really was fast. Wait. What? So you’re a fairy… named Fat Dave?”
“I’m a dungeon fairy you little yellow turd. And dontcha forget it!”
“Ok. Uh. Wow. Didn’t expect that response. Is that different than like, a regular fairy? Or a dungeon pixie?”
“No such thing as a dungeon pixie bro. But there are regular pixies. Totally diffr’nt than fairies. Real douchey. Pranksters through and through, the lot of ‘em.”
“So uh, what’s the difference between a fairy and a pixie?” I ask, pretty confused at this point
“Different sized feet. They all gots tiny feet. Us dungeon fairies got big ole steppers. Not like dem dainty pixes.”
At this point, I realize that we have clearly gotten off-topic and, well, I still can’t see anything.
“So, I mean, this is interesting and all but, uh, can you tell me what’s going on…?” I ask. “Like, do you know where we are? Why can’t I see anything? Is there something I’m supposed to do here?”
“Well see here, I was ‘spectin to be the brains of this here outfit, but seems like you got some kina jumpstart up in the thinking department. This ain’t like what they taught us at school. No siree bob. You’re smahter then you ought to be, but also dumber. Don’t make no sense.” Fat Dave replies, answering exactly zero of my unasked questions.
“Wait, what…? There’s a scho— you know what, never mind. Let’s start real basic. How can I hear you?”
“Well that there is the easy part. We got us a connection, ya hear? I bonded with ya and now we can talk brain to brain instead of just using clunky old words.” He replies
“Okay, nonconsensual magical telepathic link with a dungeon fairy. Got it. So why can’t I see anything?” I ask.
“See that right there is the weird part. You ain’t sposed to have a problem using your metaphorical peepers. You ain’t got regular eyes, but you should instinctually already know how to see. But let’s try this. First of all, try and calm down.”
“Calm down? Really? Did they teach you to give that advice in fairy school?”
“Look here you ungrateful little pebble, you gonna listen or you gonna keep tryna be smart with me?”
Attempting to sound sheepish, I reply, “Alright. I’m sorry. Go ahead.”
“Now calm your thoughts and focus inward. You should feel something in the center of yourself. That right there is your core. In that core of yours is Mana. You should be able to focus on the Mana and then push in outward. In doing so you should be able to “claim” the surrounding area and then be able to see everything in that area. You got that?”
“My core…? Does that mean I have abs? I’m super confused.” I ask, even more confused than before.
“your core, your body, whatever. You’re a dungeon core.”
“A what…”
I can hear the frown in Fat Dave’s voice as he replies, “You want to do this before you can see? Fine. The basic principle behind dungeon cores is that they are semi-sentient spheres that create elaborate obstacles around themselves so that no one can reach them. In theory, they are capable of creating matter from Mana, something generally not found in other sentient creatures. This “matter” can be anything from walls, pitfalls, and traps, to any number of animals, creatures, and constructs they can use and control to varying degrees to defend their dungeon. Dungeons are also generally adept at evolving things. I have no idea how accurate any of this is here, what with your special circumstances, but generally, they also have to leave open a path so that someone could, in theory, actually reach their core. I always thought that rule was stupid though and I hope to god it’s not necessary here.
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That enough of an explanation for now? Good. Now. Focus in. Push out. Real simple.”
It takes me a minute to think through that, but I find I can remember everything he said surprisingly well. Perfectly in fact. It all seems to intuitively make sense. What’s with this guy's changing accents?
Okay. Back to reality. Focus inward and push outward. I realize immediately that there is something there I hadn’t really noticed before in my back. There’s a weird feeling in my tummy and as I focus in on it, it gets increasingly noticeable. It’s almost like I can grab onto this stuff inside of me.
As the feeling grows it starts to feel a lot like I’m having gas. The feeling starts to get really uncomfortable until, a few seconds later, I’m able to grab on to the feeling and push it outward.
Honestly, it feels like every pore of my body is holding in a fart, and all at once I’m able to squeeze it out slowly out of every one of my pores at once. It’s both uncomfortable and disturbingly satisfying. Frankly, it’s the most incredibly cathartic feeling I’ve ever had that was unrelated to cheese (obviously).
Holy smokes! Just like that, I can see! I can see about 10 feet all around me. When I say all around, I mean I can literally see everything in a sphere around me. It’s an odd feeling, and you would think it would be overwhelming, but somehow, I’m able to actually process everything just fine. Weird.
Finally, I can see my new “partner,” Fat Dave.
I immediately regret trying to see at all.
True to his name, Fat Dave is most definitely fat. Imagine if you miniaturized a stereotypical trucker. Greasy white tank top, a stained pair of jeans that cut off at the shin, and a red trucker hat with the words “fairy dinkum” written in white. He’s barefoot and has on the big frown I heard in his voice. Oh yeah, And he’s about a foot tall. It’s a really creepy image. Before I can think of what to say next I blurt out,
“Fat Dave. A giant, overweight fairy named Fat Dave? Is this a joke? Is it first name Fat, last Name Dave? Is fat supposed to be a descriptor?”
Somehow, Fat Dave’s frown deepens, “I’ll have you know I come from a long, proud line of Dave’s.”
“Wait wait wait, your last name is really Dave? Woah… Does that mean your first name is really Fat? How did your parents know you’d be fat…? Do you have a brother named Skinny?
Also, why do you have only have an accent sometimes…?”
Dave crosses his arms and his frown deepens, “look here pebble, we don’t talk about Skinny. So drop it. As for the accents, I’m just trying to see what vibes best yo. I’ll settle on something eventually. As for the rest, just call me Dave and we’ll call it settled.”
Fun fact, emotions go through a telepathic link pretty well, and it takes everything in me to hold back my amusement at this touchy creature. I somehow manage to collect myself and realize I have a new opportunity to focus on the one thing that matters. With that in mind, I focus back in on Fat Dave.
“Fair enough Dave. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I just have one question for you, where’s the cheese?” Thankfully, and for the first time since I woke up, I see something that makes me happy, and that’s Fat Dave really confused.
“What do you mean where’s the cheese?” the fairy asks, tilting his bulbous head and neck slightly to the right.
“Look Dave, I need your help. I just. I think I can deal with this messed up situation I guess. But I need one thing Dave. I need cheese. So Dave. Fat Dave. Tell me. Where. Is. The. Cheese.
Fat Dave looks at me like I have three heads. As if I’M the mystical creature that seems to disobey all laws of logic and physics.
Dave stares at me for a few seconds with a perplexed look. Then, as if some kind of light goes off in his head, Dave’s face brightens. He uncrosses his arms, lifts a tiny index finger to his lips, and his thick, pockmarked tongue darts out and slobbers all over his finger. He then slowly brings the finger close to my “core.”
Oh god, what the hell is happening. I regret everything. “Hey Dave, what are you doing man. This seems a little extreme don’t you think,” I whimper out.
“Quick your yammerin’ kid. I’m testing something.”
Dave then proceeds to touch me right at the top of my tight, innocent core and slides his finger all the way down me. I can’t ever remember feeling so violated in my entire life.
To make things worse, Dave proceeds to stick the violating finger into his mouth. God, I can see the finger and his tongue moving around in his mouth. What the hell man!
With a contemplative tsk, Dave takes his finger out of his mouth and looks back at me. “Well, that solves that. We got the cheese right here. You’re the cheese.”
If I had a jaw to drop, it’d be on the floor at this point. “What do you mean, I’m the cheese?”
“I mean” he replies, “You are literally old cheese that has been underground for a very long time. Looks like you’ve been under some intense heat and pressure for a while too… This is definitely a new one for me.”
“Woah woah woah. Hold up, are you telling me I’m fossilized cheese?”
“Ooh, it looks like the system kicked back in. Not just that either, you and your lair lie beneath the fossilized cheese of an entire nation! You are definitely unique. Your body is a tiny, marble sized piece of cheese.”
I have a lair? I’ve kind of always wanted a lair. Wait, I’ve literally become… cheese? I’m really not sure how I feel about this. Can I taste myself? Seems counterproductive. Hm. This could be bad. Don’t panic. I WILL figure this out. There’s no way I wouldn’t be able to taste right? Since I am somehow able to see myself, I notice now that I do have a yellowish tint to me, so I guess that explains that.
“Okay, Dave. You got me. I’m cheese. What exactly does that mean.”
“To be honest, I’m not sure I rightly know. Usually, the color and composition of a core determines what kind of magic they can specialize in. I green core might specialize in some kind of nature magic, a white core might have holy magic, a black core, dark magic, etc. A yellow core might have something like sand magic. But most cores are usually made of some kind of gem. In your case, I have no idea. See if you can check your status.”
“My status…?” As soon as I say that, the same windows from before popped up right in front of my face. Except this time, they look a bit different.
Status
Name: Jack Cheese
Race: Dungeon Core
HP: 100
MP: 100
Specialization: Cheese Magic
Skills: Induce Lesser Frustration, Cheese Familiar, Cheese Avatar
Perks:
Reborn: You’re Cheese Bro! People are more likely to react favorably to you. This does not apply to those with lactose intolerance.
Cheeseborn: Increased affinity with all things cheese related. Cheese magic growth moderately increased
… I wonder if this means I’ll make myself a cannibal if I eat cheese…? Right now, there’s really only one thing I can think of that matters.
“Hey Dave, I’m not sure what this all means, but I gotta know man, will I be able to taste cheese?”
“Not sure. I know some cores end up getting avatars where they can interact with the world and I think some eventually have taste buds. But that usually doesn’t happen until later… although I guess that’s because cores don’t usually start off sentient. Why do you ask?”
“Dave, I live for cheese man. No way I’m getting through this without the option to taste. I have a skill called “Cheese Avatar,” and I’m going to see what happens.” Without further ado, I think Activate Cheese Avatar.
As I activate the ability I hear Dave in the background, “Wait! You gotta wait for…” The rest is cut off by agonizing pain and the sounds of myself screaming. Thankfully, within moments, everything goes gloriously black.
---------------------------------
Hundreds of miles away, in a cavern deep underground, the Dumpling Dragon starts awake amidst his hoard of culinary paraphenelia. He lifts his head up and sniffs the air all around him. “Finally,” he sighs, “the promised one has arrived. Let the food wars begin.”