I wake up bleary-eyed, letting loose a massive yawn and arching my back like a cat, smacking my lips together.

…

...

I unlocked my System early.

I don’t have to wait a couple more years! My stars above, I really am impressed I survived this long already.

This is wonderful!

Also kind of unheard of, since I am not a Ninja, Magical Girl, nor animal-turned-monster.

This whole... thing may have been the most inevitable death I had coming, but it certainly is not my first near-death experience. I swear, if I find something stupid in my status that explains it, I’m going to scream.

I focus on the blue screen that has been waiting for me.

EEEEEEEEE! I have my System unlocked! I’m so happy!

Lying again to myself. How foolish. I am miserable and I know it. I mean this sincerely, Betsie, I hope you can rest in peace.

Class: Not chosen

Name: Theo? Theodora? Monster? Pain in the ass? Little gremlin? Child?

Original Type-Species Designation: Ruined Soul-Human; Later Type-Species: Corrupted Ruined Soul-Human; Official & Current Type-Species Designation (Recently Created for Accuracy): Tormented Princess

Original Base Will: 27. Miasmic Base Will: 54

Original Base Vitality: 6. Miasmic Base Vitality: 120

Original Base Dexterity: 17. Miasmic Base Dexterity: 119

Original Base Perception: 12. Miasmic Base Perception: 120

Original Base Strength: 10. Miasmic Base Strength: 100

Base Charisma: 100. After Traits: 1000.

Available Traits and Perks for Selection. You may choose none to all.

Congratulations! As a result of intensely focusing on manipulating people, making over ten thousand people do what you want and react as you’d prefer them to (excluding manipulating others into being your friend), you have met the requirements for the trait of Puppeteer. Boost to base Charisma and influencing ever larger numbers of people with each push and pull.

Congratulations! For making friends with more than ten thousand people and expertly maintaining connections with all of them, you have met the requirement for perk Avaricious Friend Maker. Boosts friend making.

Congratulations! For being obsessed with the Stars, you have met the requirements for the perk Star-Touched-in-the-Head. 50% boost to communication with the stars, 25% boost to star-based magic.

Congratulations! For extended unhealthy experimentation and deeply unsafe extended contact with Vengeful Spirits, in addition to perpetual depression, you have met the requirements for the trait Phantasm Poisoned. Your blood is replaced with ectoplasm that induces despair and permanent mental damage the longer a person is in contact. You no longer require needing to breathe. The more Vitality you have, the more effective the ectoplasm is at inducing despair and permanent mental damage.

Congratulations! For making “friends” with Great Vengeful Spirits, an impressive feat, you have received the perk Broccoli.

Congratulations! For facing Phantasmal soul damage before unlocking your System and surviving, you have received the perk Ghost-Resistant Soul (a very small boost to your soul’s resistance against Phantasms). For facing Demonic soul damage, you have received the perk Demonic-Resistant Soul (a very small boost to your soul’s resistance against Phantasms). For facing Torment soul damage, you have received the perk Valiant Soul (a very high boost protecting against corruption). For facing three types of soul damage before the age of System access, all three prior soul-related perks combine to form Stalwart Soul. It is far sturdier than before.

Congratulations! For having more than 100 friends die in front of you, you have received the Achievement A Following in the Underworld.

Congratulations! For showing an expert control of your personality that is nearing the PERFECTION of the Fae, unmatched by any other species besides the Fae without the System, you have met the requirements for the trait of Fae Heart. Charisma is boosted by a multiplier of 10. Your body will be emblematic of unearthly beauty. You cannot break promises. You must tell the truth. You can mimic your prior appearance. Explore your connection with the Fae and this will grow in strength.

Congratulations! For having a Ruined Soul-type, you have received the perk Deadly Soul. If someone tries to touch your soul with theirs (i.e., soul hugs between Eldritch Horrors, soul-based healing magic, soul-based communication, etc.) their soul will wither the longer they are in contact with your putrid soul.

ERROR! HATRED! Stalwart Soul and Deadly Soul have warped into A Torment’s Grasping Soul. You are able to manipulate your disgusting soul to reach out and grab others’ souls.

HATRED! For committing an atrocity against Magic itself (accidental or not, it does not matter), you have achieved the perks (these are not avoidable): Disliked by the System, Hated by the Magical Pantheon, Betrayer of Humanity, Betrayer of Elves, Betrayer of Unicorns, Betrayer of All Animals, Betrayer of Minotaurs, Betrayer of Gorgons, Betrayer of Vampires, Betrayer of Dryads, Betrayer of Elementals, Betrayer of Sirens, Betrayer of Ogres, Betrayer of Trolls, Betrayer of Monsters, Betrayer of Orcs, Betrayer of .... You are a TRAITOR! TRAITOR! TRAITOR!

HATRED! You have achieved the trait Torment due to meeting the requirements (this is not avoidable) @(!&)$_#%)@&(@*&!(&$(@&(@)*$)#&&(@&!(#))&*&#$)))#)&!)&*!)%)#)&#$&@&

HATRED! Due to your General Skills being incredibly high-level for your age and rapid progress with manipulating Miasma, you have earned the title of Detested Prodigy.

Select Traits in order to make changes

General Skills and Magical Aspects:

Truly Terrible Karma: A curse from a deity of Magic that gives you the worst of luck. I will remove this if you break up with that Demon.

It Just Will Not Die: The Stars wish to keep watching you. You are entertaining. Their desire to keep observing you accidentally turned into a blessing which enables you to escape situations within reason.

-Major Mesh of Pain: Your life is characterized by pain, and you have a deep connection with it, be it physical, soul, or emotional. After participating in numerous gang wars and sustaining numerous injuries, committing numerous acts of self-harm, feeling the pain of soul damage, gone through torture for gang secrets, feeling the pain of corruption, among other examples, your Pain Resistance skill is Evolved. Veteran Pain Resistance (sole skill in this Concept Mesh). Tier 3. Level 34. Total level 384.

-Major Mesh of Friend Making: You have shown a remarkable ability to make friends with your calculating capability to appear to have the best personality for every person you meet. You embody peculiarly deeply possessive friendship, built on a foundation of benevolence and a need for surrounding yourself with friends. Level Torment. Tier 3 evolution. All friendship related skills that you have are included and not expanded upon in this unless you so choose to see.

-Moderate Mesh of the Muse: Your grasp of the arts without the help of the System, and at such a young age for your species, is matched only by a few. Skills in this Mesh (all are max at the end of Tier 2. Requires Essence to push it higher. Exception: Costume Designer and Costume Making are each Tier 0): Drums, Banjo, Cymbals, Guitar, Piano, Pipe Organ, Harmonica, Violin, Viola, Flute... Vocal Control, Lyric Crafter, Vocal Percussion, Music Writer... Painter, Sketch Artist, Coloring Expert, Blueprint Maker, Anatomy Compendium...

-Major Mesh of the Social Tactician: Understand etiquette, from the proper procedures in High Elvish nobility to how to be a perfect gang minion. Level 12. Tier 3. Total Level: 362.

-Minor Mesh of Combat: Basic Knife Skill. Level 36. Tier 0. Basic Dodging Skill. Level 48.

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-Minor Mesh of Sleight of Hand: You hold a deep fondness for pranks and tricks. Synergizes with Fae Heart. No actual skills, but they are easily gained.

Oh my stars. Where do I even begin?

I think the first and perhaps most poignant thing is that the very System, the impartial observer that distributes Magic amongst thousands of civilization, that will congratulate even the most abominable of warlords known to Magical kind for committing mass genocide for levels, dislikes me.

I, uh, I don’t even know what to think about that.

That... fuck you System.

Seriously, fuck you.

Eating her saved my sorry life and you have the gall to criticize me?! You congratulate living catastrophes! Fuck you three ways till Sunday, buddo.

I tried my best.

I swear... I tried my best to convince her to leave.

I promise...

*sobs*

I flatten my expression into a thousand-yard stare, not wanting to put too much effort while I am still safe from prying eyes, alone and huddling next to the throne.

My eyes catch on the sentence at the end of the curse...

FUCK!

I lost the bet! Nooooooo! I owe so many people money now!

I am actually cursed!? I was sure there was no way that I actually managed to get the notoriously lazy capital-G God on my ass. I mean, he cursed a singular witch during the witch hunts, among the thousands that came into contact with Devil contracts.

What made him get off his ass to curse me?

My relationships are none of your business!

*sigh*

Still, I wouldn’t change anything though.

She is so worth being cursed.

I look up to the sky and raise my middle finger, wagging it around towards where I imagine God would be.

“Go fuck yourself God! Like hell I’ll break up with Elisa! Feather-dicked, pompous, self-righteous, lazy, cowardly, sadistic, credit-stealing...”

It particularly bugs me that he would purposefully calls her “that Demon.” It’s not like saying “that human.” While that can certainly be used in a disparaging way, “that Demon” is like a Low Elf saying “that flesh bag” about a human, reducing a living individual to merely their physical components and obviously implying their superiority in build.

And so, after a few more choice words about his dumb-ass genesis and stars-awful religion, I got back to focusing on all of the boxes.

The blessing from the Stars makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That I would be entertaining is what I live for!

And all of my skills made me preen inside. The levels are quite high. I think I underestimated just how much experience I have.

Fae Heart is absolutely, completely fucking insane. A TEN-times multiplier for Charisma. It just... absolutely boggles the mind. Do the Fae just inherently get that much Charisma as a matter of course? The restrictions are incredibly peculiar as well. They don’t really limit the effectiveness of the trait like most trait limitations. For example, a common trait like Embered Hands (as common as traits can be, given that all serial arsonists get it), which boosts Fire Manipulation by 50% will slowly decrease your current health the longer you use it.

I have heard large stat increases are one of the most amazing feelings ever. When I activate Fae Heart, I will increase my Charisma by 900 stat points. That... concerns me.

I won’t do it yet.

Now I should look that the weird smokey purple boxes that are hovering here.

Species: Torment Princess

Name: The Charismatic Star. The Forsaken Jester. The Noble of Paranoia. The Happy Bard. Broken Mirror.

CONGRATULATIONS! You have achieved a remarkable feat that distinguishes you from most Torments. You have consumed a Magical Guardian.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are one of the few Torments with a hand on the scales of the Magical System.

CONGRATULATIONS! You have been infected with a boon from the Divine Titan of Plague, Diarrhea. Your soul now coexists with an extremely virulent soul-based plague. It can only spread from yourself, but your trait A Torment’s Grasping Soul has evolved into A Torment’s Mummifying Soul, which both drains the soul of ectoplasm and induces hemorrhaging. Permanent curse upon those you touch unless removed.

Torment Skills:

Hunger: You can eat as much as you want and store it as needed.

Language of the Court: Communicate with any Torment through their stories, Miasma, and your body language.

Species Skills:

Orbs of Vanity: See the world through many narcissistic lenses. They cannot hide from the eyes which wish to compare everything’s beauty to your PERFECTION. Improved by Fae Heart.

Metallic Golem Hands: Perform feats of impossible dexterity without the use of Dexterity. Your completely solid metal hands are virtually unbreakable, though this does not extend to the rest of your body. Level determines whether your concept of unbreakable wins against someone else’s concept of destruction.

Wicked Sharp Teeth: Your teeth are built for shearing through Magical flesh.

Stone Skin: Increased vitality.

Alluring Royal Hair: Your hair is made from Essence whose sole purpose is to make your hair look impossibly beautiful. The color signifies your right to rule. Improved by Fae Heart.

Plushie Predator Ears: Your ears are remarkably adorable, and being so large in comparison to your head only increases the “awww” factor. A characteristic that drastically increases survival against Magical Guardians. Allows you to hear what you should not be able to hear. Improved by Fae Heart.

Outfit Creation: Create the perfect outfit for yourself. Improved by Fae Heart.

Crystal Frosted Eyes: Your eyes are inherently irresistible, flavored with royalty. The crystallized tendrils are lenses which allow you to see the hidden.

Inhuman Movement: Allow your body to move beyond your previous pitiful mortal body. Extend your tongue as long as you wish, move your limbs in any direction in three dimensions (only forward in time and in no other spatial dimensions).

Flesh-Given Skills:

Miasmic Stats: Adds to base stats, with the exception of Charisma, based on your improved form. Gained from consuming a Magical Guardian.

Jester’s Privilege: Invoke peace once a week for a day. No violence may be used against yourself, nor may you use it against others. Otherwise, you may do as you please.

Bard’s Voice: Your voice is inherently more seductive. You may not turn off this effect. You can infuse more meaning into each sound you make with Miasma.

Noble’s Wealth: A spatial hoard for any form of currency (precious metals are able to be stored in greater quantities though) which passively increases in size. The greater the size of your hoard, the greater the likelihood of encountering assassins.

And there is a second System? I really thought I would have heard about that... Even non-Magical Entities like Eldritch Horrors and all Demonic entities use the System.

It doesn’t seem terribly different from big blue... you know, with the exception of the focus on eating Magical entities.

This purple seems pretty wispy and insubstantial, like smoke.

I would bet good money that it is constructed out of the Miasma surrounding me.

I think, that, just perhaps, this is majorly fucked on so many levels.

On the better side, a lot of these skills are pretty badass. Jester’s Privilege is a remarkable skill and seems like it would absolutely incredible for making plans and setting things up without retribution. I can just imagine spending a day setting up a massive array of runes without getting attacked or arrested, and then boom, one of those stupid gates to heaven explodes. I would still need the magical energy needed to fuel it, and make sure the angels never noticed, but with this I could really up my game from petty pranks and window breaking.

The disadvantages of Noble’s Wealth are quite terrible. I don’t think it necessarily means that the assassins would be trying to kill me, but considering my penchant for falling into the weirdest of situations... that just seems like it is a fairly safe assumption that they would be after me.

Bard’s Voice, well, I can think of a lot of delightfully devious things I could do with that.

Miasmic Stats is pretty insane. Magical Girls will still be able to outgrow me, but I am definitely starting with a much higher stat base.

And thinking about Magical Girls, I have a terrible feeling that I am going to run into conflict with them by forced association with the murderer of a new Magical Girl i.e., with The King. A Magical Guardian dying on their first day would probably be heart breaking for the Magical Guardians. Their entire subculture centers around the Bond. Something like this will lead to mass grieving, and soon to turn to righteous fury.

Ugh! I will have to figure out something that will help me avoid those overpowered warriors of Magic.

Quite a few of those traits in the blue System look useful. I just wish it didn’t need to reference the requirements. I don’t need to see shit from my life rehashed.

Aggravatingly, none of these skills will aid me in actually getting out.

Now that I have a new lease on life which I ruthlessly forged from my friend’s corpse and handed over to the hands of the reaper, my goal is to improve my abilities so that I can escape.

If that doesn’t work out, and it likely won’t due to my current skillset, perhaps The King could let me go on an “expedition.” I doubt it, but there is precedent with Queen Isabella and Columbus. That would only tie me to him even more, plot-wise, though, which is not desirable. After all, one has to come back from their expedition.

The final possibility is that I just bide my time for other Magical Girls to finally kill off The King. Then I can escape.

After that, there is much I want to do. Continuing my education is the first thing that comes to mind.

But with my new magic, I could actually participate in the war against Anathema and Torments, like a Magical Guardian. That stupid Familiar, the one that said my personality is so awful that I have an abysmal connection with Magic, will be able to suck it.

I could use my existence as a monstrosity to help. I mean, I have always wanted to be a Magical Guardian. There is so much about being a Magical Guardian that is just irresistible.

I could use their strength to defend the people I know, preventing them from leaving me. I would keep them with me. If I improved my magic, then I could create a body for Masua and Enterion. They would finally forgive me, right? Then we would get along with each other. They wouldn’t try to hurt me, and I won’t need to argue with them ever again.

I could be Elisa’s knight in shining armor, protecting her from all of the assassins that come her way. I won’t see her bleeding out on me again. She only just managed to get healed by her body guards.

OH! OH! And my parents would forgive me. They wouldn’t hate me if I was the epitome of America, a patriotic protector, right? As a Magical Guardian, they won’t need to lie about me failing to be the son they wanted. They will genuinely forgive me.

I could heal my brother. He would be able to walk after five years of being stuck in bed.

And... Being a Magical Guardian (M.G.) would prove that my soul is not as twisted as that idiotic green ram of M.G. Spring’s Champion said it was, as Masua, Enterion, and my parents said.

Well, they were proved right about that. My monstrous nature is irrefutable, I guess. No matter. If I escape, I will still be able to use these awful powers to achieve the first three.

Enough feeling sorry for myself!

I mean, all of... this...

All of this is so cringe-inducing, right? Just so freakin’ cringe. All of these emotions are so shameful and juvenile.

So stupid for me to have these emotions. Me having them makes no sense.

There is no reason why I should be feeling miserable or angry.

I don’t really deserve having these emotions.

I forcibly halt my anxious spastic movements, standing up from my previously manic and huddled state.

I look back to the blue System, the Magical System as my purple boxes put it. I might as well select them all if I cannot even avoid the traits I don’t want to have.

I drag my finger all the way down, selecting every single last one.