The first game had gone by pretty well. Anitus had managed to win during the practice rounds, which meant he felt confident going into the real game. After Sancta rejoined them in their tent, she was sat down to play with the rest of them.
She seemed so surprised to see them all having fun. She did not even mind being handed the drakes. Amaro helped to teach Sancta the game as they played, letting her in on the stakes for the next game.
Raktus won that game.
“Seems we’ve beaten you twice at your own game brother!” Raktus jeered, “And after you talked so much too!”
“Shut it!” Tulos said, “It was just bad luck on the dice rolls.”
“It was tactics.”
“It was luck!”
“All things considered, you’ve made a fun game, Tulos.” Sancta said, stroking her finger across one of the miniature drakes.
Tulos sighed, “Yeah, but now we’re playing for real.”
“Bring it on!” Raktus said.
The next game did not go in anyone’s favor aside from Tulos. Amaro would have liked to say he was surprised, but this was one thing which had not changed about Tulos. He always allowed people to win when there was nothing to lose.
“You cheated! You had to!” Raktus said.
“Just luck for me!”
“You used your magic to manipulate the dice!”
“Dumbass, the dice are made out of stone and you can’t manipulate them.”
“Either way, a deal’s a deal.” Amaro said, “Should we go in the order of people who lost?” He glanced over to Sancta.
“Of course I had to lose first…” she huffed, “One fear or secret right?”
“That’s the deal, yes.” Tulos said, confidently leaning back in his chair now that he could hear all the juicy details his siblings kept hidden without having to reveal any of his own. He had been playing them from the start.
“I don’t know if I can think of something,” Sancta said.
“If you don’t think of something, I might,” Tulos mused, “I know a few embarrassing secrets of yours, remember?”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Only if you can’t think of your own!” Tulos snickered.
Amaro raised his eyebrow. What were they talking about?
Sancta clicked her tongue, “Fine, then one fear I have is death and dying.”
Tulos made an X with his arms, “Not good enough.”
“What do you mean not good enough?!”
“Gotta be something that’s not generic, and something we don’t know. Either a secret you’re keeping, something embarrassing, or a fear. Those are your options. Or I’m gonna be spilling a bunch of beans instead.”
Sancta grumbled, crossing her arms, “I’m afraid of the ocean.”
“You’re afraid of water?” Anitus said.
“The ocean!”
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“Why?” Amaro said.
“Remember when we went on a trip and had to sail across it? I fell in.”
“Oh yeah, that did happen, but why are you afraid of it?” Amaro said.
“Because when I was underwater, I opened my eyes, and it was just…” Sancta shivered, “I couldn’t see the bottom, and I thought I saw something big move down there. I have nightmares about it every so often.”
“Sancta’s afraid of water that’s why she lost to Kaara,” Anitus snickered.
“You’re talking a lot of shit for someone who has to go next,” Amaro shot back.
“I’m afraid of losing.”
Tulos made an X with his arms again, “Not good enough. Hey, did you guys know that Anitus-”
“You shut your mouth Tulos!”
Tulos put his tongue in cheek, “Then make your answer a good one.”
Anitus clicked his tongue, “The fact that you’ve got dirt on all of us is what I’m really afraid of,”
“Still not a good answer.”
“I know that! I’m making a joke.”
“Your jokes are usually pretty mean, Anitus,” Amaro said.
“Quiet! I’m trying to think of something,”
Amaro watched his face contort and scrunch up. Anitus growled, “Fine! A secret of mine is that even though I take digs at you all, I am afraid of losing you. Especially now, and especially when the ceremony comes.”
No one at the table had expected to hear that. Perhaps they all knew it on the inside, but hearing Anitus admit to it out loud was a completely different matter.
“I take digs at people because I wanna know they’re still willing to be around me even when I’m at my worst. Is that a good enough answer for you, Tulos?”
“I knew it all along,” Tulos smirked, “But yes, it is. And for the record, you don’t need to be an asshole to test if we’re still willing to put up with you. Just show us how you really wanna act, and we’ll accept you. You’re family, after all.”
Anitus was trying to hide his face, “Yeah, whatever, I’m not saying anything else.”
“Amaro it’s your turn.”
Amaro jolted. He had been so absorbed in hearing everyone else’s answers he forgot to think of his own, “Well,” He thought for a moment. He did not want to give a cheap answer. Hearing Sancta and Anitus open up made him want to open up too, “For the longest time, ever since father gave me this scar, I’ve been afraid and angry.”
“We know that,” Anitus said.
Amaro laughed dryly, “I know you know. There are days when I considered letting things go, but for a while I considered the idea that one of you might get hurt for not living up to the example I set. For the longest time, I think I had been outpacing everyone, and putting an unnecessary burden, so I withdrew and decided to become father’s least favorite child.”
“Well, all you ended up doing is putting the burden on me instead,” Anitus said, “I’ve been carrying our family name for the past few years thanks to you.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I want to change. I’ve wanted to for a while now. And yet everytime I try, I just lose motivation.”
“Then you don’t really want it.”
“I do!”
“If you were really worried about us, or about any of the shit you say you’re worried about you wouldn’t lose motivation. You would remind yourself every day that this is what you need to do until you’ve done it.” Anitus said, “Don’t act like you’re suffering alone, idiot. And don’t claim it’s for our sake when it’s clearly all about you.”
Amaro was speechless. He wanted to say something back, but he knew he couldn’t. Anitus was right. He was dead right. The habits Amaro had fallen into were his own fault. He was not altruistic for being a scapegoat. It was not virtuous to victimize himself and display his weakness. What had he tried to do all this time? Become a martyr?
He had neglected his siblings so much they had come to act more and more like his father every day. They had adopted his cruel personality. The spiteful pride which lashed out at anyone who challenged them. An air of superiority used for domination and control. Tulos and Raktus had escaped that. Syno, the youngest brother Amaro knew, was now going to be alone with his father. The kindhearted and easygoing Syno. When was the last time Amaro had properly talked to him?
It was longer than the rest of his siblings. Amaro could have done more. He could have helped them all be strong enough to stand up to their father. He could have maintained their relationship as siblings and taught them the values he claimed to believe in. Everyone was deserving of respect and care. And yet Amaro had not even given that to his family, let alone everyone else.
He had only given it to himself as a reward for being such a good victim. For crumbling and losing on purpose. For standing up when it was convenient.
“You’re right.” Amaro finally said, “I’m not suffering alone. In fact, I can see I was suffering the least.” The scar on his nose was burning, “I made excuses for myself, and now when I look in the mirror I don’t even know who I am anymore. All I know is I don’t want to be who father wants me to be.”
“This is a lovely conversation to have, and I certainly want to hear more,” Tulos chimed in, “But before we unpack too much, we’ve still got one more loser who needs to say their piece. Raktus, what have you got to say? You’ve been mulling it over, haven’t you?”
Raktus fiddled with his hands, “One secret that I’ve kept? Well, for one thing, I’ve learned I have an entire family beyond this one, and they remember me, but I have no memory of them at all.”