Dreiki recalled the late nights he had spent working with Sancta as a fellow herbalist. At first, the nights had been cold with hardly a word spoken between them. However, Dreiki did not mind that. He did not know when it happened, but at some point, being near Sancta became normal to him. Asking her for ingredients evolved into casual chats about topics, which soon transitioned into far deeper conversations about the world and its many mysteries. Dreiki did not speak much about himself. How could he? If he said too much, he ran the risk of being gutted.
It was for this reason, however, that he was such a good listener. Sancta vented her feelings to him. Always citing that the only reason he was trusted with the information was because no one would trust a Noxa’s accounting of events.
Dreiki could see through that. If he wanted to, he could sell the information, or use it as blackmail. Either Sancta did not understand that, or she did not want him to understand that. Either way, the real reason she told him seemed to be that no one else would listen or understand like he seemed to.
He wondered why she had to excuse everything behind a facade. Distancing herself from the truth as a way to keep her guard up. Sancta could never admit that she was developing a friendship with a noxa. She could hardly admit she cared for her brothers to him let alone say it outright to the brothers themselves.
One night, in the midst of busily preparing the love bombs, Sancta groaned.
“Something on your mind?” Dreiki asked, not looking up from his work.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Dreiki said nothing. He knew waiting was the best way to get her to speak. After all, if he coaxed it from her, then she could not think it was her decision to talk.
“That Tibur girl. I’ll be fighting with her soon.”
“Kaara?”
“Don’t speak her name around me, knave!” She huffed, “But yes, her.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“Oh, you already know I want to,” her jaw flexed, “I can’t stand her. Always so loose and childish. No forethought, just preoccupied with the present like some sort of happy mutt wagging her tail at the first scent of instant gratification.”
“Mhm,” Dreiki chimed in, just to show he was listening.
“I mean, what if someone gets hurt because of her? Doesn’t she know she represents the next generation of Tibur? There are clearly others who care about her, who are left in the dust and hurt because she refuses to control herself! And she can’t help but make herself the center of attention too! You know she yelled during introductions at our dinner? She has the manners of a child! I can only begin to imagine what her mother had to deal with after that. She acts closer to a kobold than a young lady.”
“Have you ever hurt someone by accident? In the same way you say Kaara does, I mean.” Dreiki asked.
Sancta paused, “I have.”
“I see. Do you think she’ll hurt your brother in the same way?”
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“I think she’ll be far worse.”
“Have you talked to your brother about it?”
“How can I? He’s absorbed in himself and his pursuits. If I say anything, I become his enemy. And if I’m his enemy, I can’t help him at all.”
“Do you believe that?”
“Of course I do? I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t believe it!”
Dreiki got the impression she was lying, but conceded nonetheless.
“You’ve told me about your father and what happened between them. Are you worried your father might hurt him again?”
“Kind of? If my father hurts him again, though, it won’t be because of some Tibur girl. It will be because of his own actions, and that’s what I hate most about it.”
“So then why be angry at Kaara?”
Another pause. Dreiki glanced over to see Sancta massaging her lap, “ The way Amaro acts, the way he conducts himself is such a public display of self harm it sickens me every time I see it.” She picked up a pruning knife and thumbed the blade, “If someone you love tries to hurt themselves, you take away that which can harm them and hope they don’t find something else while you’re not looking.”
“You think your brother is trying to hurt himself?”
Sancta nodded, “In ways that go beyond simple cuts and bruises. Before that day he was so kind and strong. Having him nearby always made me feel… calm. Like nothing bad would happen when he was around. He was my older brother, but in a way, he was also someone I looked up to. I still do I suppose, but he’s worked very hard to make sure I don’t, lately.”
“And your other brothers?”
Sancta laughed dryly, “What I say means your life if they ever hear about it, understood?”
“That goes without saying, yes.”
“I cherish them all, even if they get on my nerves and belittle me at every turn. There was a time I can still remember when things were different. When we were happy and they were all kind. Before our father had to become the head of our clan, Amaro brought us together and helped us grow alongside Anitus. Now he’s an agent of chaos who cannot go a few minutes without embarrassing us or starting a verbal altercation with our father. In a way, I looked forward to coming here because I thought maybe I would start to see the old him again. And yet, Kaara provides him a reason to stay the same, and I hate it. That’s why I can’t lose to her.”
“I see.” Dreiki wondered what it was like to have a sibling.
“Amaro wasn’t the only one who changed that day. Anitus got quite the chip on his shoulder after a while. He lost a rival, I suppose. Or maybe it’s that he was holding up the weight of our family’s name alongside Amaro, and now Amaro has left him to bear it all by himself. Without Amaro to temper him, he runs wild without any regard for others. I think he believes cruelty is strength. He knows more than anyone that any sign of weakness is just begging to have the other noble houses come and cut our bellies.”
There was something frustrating to Dreiki about the way Sancta viewed the situation. Her view on how they acted did not change that they acted poorly. It did not excuse anything. Anitus was cruel, vindictive, and arrogant. He spat on the ones he defeated and inflicted pain on others. And for what? To protect himself and his siblings from an attack that might not even happen? Did he ever consider that he would make enemies anyway with how he acted?
But it was Amaro he disliked the most. The way he acted was so cowardly. All it took was a single loss, and he had to make it everyone else’s problem? He abandoned his other siblings so he could sulk in a pit of his own self loathing.
But at the end of all that frustration lied understanding. Dreiki could understand wanting to indulge himself in feelings of inadequacy. He had felt the temptation to give up and pity himself many times already. His mother had always warned him how addictive grief could be. And how destructive it was.
But to the noble heir who had everything, he also had a choice that Dreiki did not have. He could afford to grieve and pity himself. He could sit around and allow himself to decay while others took care of him. If Dreiki had ever responded to defeat like Amaro had, he would have died a long time ago.
It was for this reason he understood Sancta’s disdain for Kaara. Just as Dreiki saw himself in Amaro, Sancta must have seen herself in Kaara. Living a life with a privilege they were not nearly gracious enough for. Longing to have had a luxury never once afforded to them.
But in the end, Sancta was wrong and so was he. Kaara did not deserve Sancta’s hatred, nor Amaro his own. That was the answer Dreiki had come to during his meditation that night.
That was the answer he had wanted to believe, at least.