“How do I live a life as me?…” I floundered, “I’m afraid, Mags, what if I do something wrong? The choices all feel so much more… weighty? Final? I don’t know. Something about the idea of being ‘my real self’ makes me unable to make any kind of real choice.” My mouth kept moving soundlessly, and I gaped at Mags.

“I think it is because it feels final to you. That is my guess, at least.” He released my shoulders from his hug-like grip on my shoulders, and he paced around the cavern a little.

I didn’t have the words I needed, the giant walls of terror had grown inside me, built of anger and fear. The recent revelations and understanding had only caused the smallest of gaps to open up in it, it felt like I hadn’t had enough time, but I knew I’d be miserable, irritable and just downright awful to be around until I faced it properly. Paralysed by indecision but at the same time paralysed by choice. Stuck.

“May I help you? Ardeus?”

“I think… I need you to,” I mumbled towards my feet

“I want to select the options for the life you’re going to live next, one as your core self that is, if you come out the life feeling rejuvenated, and we shall see where that leaves you. Making this choice now, does not make your next choice final.”

I was surprised at how comfortable I suddenly felt with the concept of my choice being made for me at such a critical feeling point. But I realised it was exactly how I needed it to be.

I needed zero expectations or understanding of what I was going to face going into this life. I needed to explore it with fresh eyes. No predetermined choices made in my mind, no plans for how the life would go. I needed to just live a life, as close to ‘normally’ as I could. One where I had no foresight, not a glimmer of how this life would go. In a way, freedom, and right now I needed to be free from having to make a choice.

“Yes, I… would like that.” I said, though my emotions still felt hollow and far away, but there was a softness enveloping me, a resignation to it happening and release of tension that had been built up in me.

Mags asked if I was ready to head into the next life now in the exact same way he always did, and I assented. We headed towards the plinth plodding through the large cavern, the racks of memories dominating the majority of the space, with the small area sectioned out for relaxing.

The plinth was there, unassuming rectangle that looked like it was made of stone. I laid upon it whilst Mags busied himself dialling in options and prepping everything needed to initiate the process.

“All I ask is you try to live life to the fullest like you do with any other life. To the end, to it’s fullest.”

“I will Mags, you know I don’t like to leave any stone unturned. I’ll treat mine the same, I promise.”

The magic hummed to life, and any further conversation became difficult and I settled in, relaxing as the magic faded me from the in-between and blended me into my next life.

I had a momentary awareness I was a baby. I knew it would be a while before the details of who I was and why would come back to me again, it was a wonderful time being a child, most of the time. My soul hummed with excitement and dread, the next adventure awaited.

***

This time, the warm embrace held me close as I slipped into unconsciousness. Before it’s held grasped me completely, I could still hear the murmurs of my family and loved ones in the room surrounding me, all speaking in hushed tones. A person quietly crying. A distinct, but gentle, voice, right near my head, cut through the soft background noise.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

“We love you, grandpa, you can go now.” She said, her voice trembling and wavering as she spoke.

I so desperately wanted to reassure her, tell her I loved her, I loved them all, one last time. But the warmth and softness of death held me tightly, and I felt my lungs deflate as I tried to utter my last words.

“I love…” I sighed out.

It was much too soon, but life always ended before you really want it to. Don’t get me wrong, I died right when I was supposed to — old and happy, surrounded by family. I was at peace and wouldn’t trade that kind of death for basically any other I had ever experienced.

I felt the blackness; I felt the absence, and I wanted to remain right there.

That’s when I knew.

I awoke, laid out on the familiar stoney surface. I still felt like the old age version of me, my long white hair still cascading outwards, my rasping breath, my strength barely a whisper. It was peaceful; I kept my eyes closed, holding onto the feelings and sensations.

I knew what was coming, and I tried to resist, holding the sensations tight to me.

But my breathing eased, my lungs expanded like a peak athlete’s. I sobbed.

The painful knot that had been my constant companion in my hip for the last few decades relaxed and left me. I clenched my fists.

I didn’t want it to all go. There was an anger rising in me at the thefts.

I kept my eyes closed and laid there. Tears running down the side of my face, feeling the wet pooling in my eyes before a twitch of movement sent them running down my face.

I dwelled in the silence, except, I realised, for the deep breathing of my constant companion. Mags. This silence was comfortable.

That’s when I knew I was grateful it hadn’t ended exactly when I wanted it to.

I was me; I am me — I’m always me. Every person I have been is me, and this embodiment is just the first of many. Maybe it’s fitting…

“Welcome, Ardeus,” He rumbled, and I opened my eyes and leaned up to look at him, my tears flowing freely from my eyes.

“The Magnificent,” I started, addressing him by his full title, and another sob left my throat. I eased myself up into a sitting position, resting onto my elbows, tired still from the efforts.

Mags’ eyes were rounded and staring at me, filled with concern and compassion. He reached out with his giant clawed hand and scooped me up. I bawled like a young child encompassed by the rough scales of his hand, very much feeling like the small child I sounded like.

“Believe it or not, Ardeus, but you are my longest companion in this cycle of life that you call the carousel. I learnt from past charges that expanding one’s memory is most essential — now you are ending this journey. I want to tell you why.

“Seeing you struggle with what it means to be you, when you live through many different lives, was tough. But nowhere near as tough as seeing a reincarnator’s memories erode to the point of madness. I have discovered, unfortunately, through trial and error, that expanding one’s memory was essential to keep you from that insanity. It is a fate I wouldn’t wish upon a single soul. I feel blessed you have avoided it, that there is a different way to leave, and to have been present for all of this time.”

The hot salty tears ran down my once again young cheeks, no longer just crying unashamedly, in a full flood of emotion. It was down to a trickle.

“I never could put my finger on why, I thought it was maybe because I complained so much, and you were sick of having the same conversations over and over.”

I paused, sniffling, wiping my face of tears. Before looking back up at Mags’ face from the palm of his hand.

“Or maybe you wanted a library of memories to look through whilst I was gone — I still don’t understand what happens to you in the years I’m living lives.”

Mags chuckled, that sound like a distant rumbling of a landslide, but not deafening like one up close.

“I treasure every single memory we have made together.” Somehow, Mags softened his expression even further before he continued.

“I am filled with a terrible sadness that this is coming to an end, and I have experienced all I will with you. But I am also happy, knowing that you are content. Fulfilled in all the ways you feel like you needed to be to move on. Though, Ardeus, if I may, this won’t be the end as you may expect.”

***

As I lay upon the plinth, knowing the option to stop being reincarnated was selected, truly stepping into an unknown unlike any other I had faced in my countless cycles of reincarnation, and all the lives’ events. It was completely unlike the times I stepped into a life unknown to me — they always had concepts and expectations that I knew and understood, always present like the need to breathe air. What happened next was a complete mystery to me, and I was finally ready and willing to take this last step into the unknown.

It was comforting that the process was still the same. The hum of the magics whirred up, the paradoxical moment of a deafening cacophony and an absolute silence flooded my ears, I had my eyes open and I smiled looking at Mags, I could feel the magic start to take hold

Above, beneath, or through — it was hard to tell — I heard one last thing cutting through the din of the magic surrounding me from Mags.

“May we meet again, Ardeus, The Transcendent.”