I heard the sounds of the in-between. The soft silence that padded my ears, interspersed with the deep resonant inhales, shortly followed by exhales that would have caused gusts of air that would have sent my hair if this had been a real fully physical cavern.

The calm and clarity of mind gained during the decade or so of intense emotional training persisted in me; I felt like a still boat on a calm ocean, but the end of that life weighed a little differently on my shoulders.

A random nameless disease that had ravaged the entire area had robbed me of a life that really should have been much longer. I was amongst the initial wave of infections, so I had very little idea of the likely survival rates for the population, my heart ached for them.

I thought of the little girl, whose name I had never known. We had been put into isolation together to stem the infection rates, but we were both too sick by that point to have any conversation.

Am I me? I thought, the emotional control I had gained was still present. I clung to the techniques, resolving to store them in a permanent memory so I could refer to it when needed.

I began contemplating the familiar question from a refreshing viewpoint. Was the lack of emotional reactions making me feel more like me, or was it that the emotional responses made me more ‘me’?

“Welcome, Ardeus,” Mags interrupted my thoughts, and my eyes fluttered open to meet his.

“Hi Mags,” I smiled softly at him.

“I must apologise for doing that, but I hope you understand why I did a little better now.”

My smile stretched a little further — it was still a small one, so it still had a lot of room to widen.

“I do, Mags, and if you need it, I forgive you. But, yes, I do understand.” I said and paused before I wheeled around on him. This time, the speed was driven by curiosity, not rage or anger. “How’d you manage it, though? ‘Pristine Mind’ magic?? What insane combination did you make to get that?” I said, my face animating through habit more than the emotions I felt.

“Well, you see…” Mags began, what followed was an animated and intense discussion about the intricacies of the system and how choosing certain things would nudge others. He never told me the exact options, though he never did.

“Your anger. It is lessened?” Mags stated both as a question and an observation after a period of companionable silence.

“I think so. At least, I know techniques that help to divert it. They’ll fade though, so I was hoping to put it into a permanent,”

“As with all things, they will fade through time without maintenance. You are wise to store it.” Mags’ chest puffed up like a proud teacher’s.

“You must have worked hard though, Ardeus, I am proud of you,” Mags’ voice softened and his eyes twinkled down at me. My throat tightened as I heard the words. Earning his praise felt… dampened? Somehow, I wasn’t getting that warm sensation of approval that usually accompanied a statement like that. I felt hollow instead. I wasn’t feeling the anger, but I also wasn’t feeling the happiness — like an emptiness had replaced the anger.

Instead of the intense rage and anger I had been battling with, I now felt nothing, like a void of emptiness. Upon realising it, I felt a panic rise up in me, a small surge before it quickly deadened to an ignorable itch dwelling in the back of my mind.

“Huh, Mags, I think I broke something else,”

“You broke something? How have you managed that in only the time you have been awake here?”

I smirked with little feeling behind it.

“No, the emotional control, I don’t think it’s working right. I don’t feel… anything? In the last life I could still feel the emotions, despite the control and techniques I practiced. But now? Out here? I’m feeling devoid of anything but the merest flashes.”

“Oh dear” He said, lifting a claw to his mouth, tapping on one of the scale ridges of his lip. “That is most concerning, give me a moment and I shall look into it.”

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“No, that’s okay Mags, I think I know what I want to do for my next life. I feel like I need something meaningful, something I have to claw and pry every victory of survival — or otherwise — from the grip of fate.”

An uncertain rumble filled the cavern, resonating in my chest.

“I have concerns about this choice, Ardeus.” He paused, giving me enough time to interrupt him and stop him or otherwise, but I, for once, I thought, was willing to hear his thoughts on the matter.

“You seem… weakened, vulnerable to emotional upsets. I am concerned that you may not endure the hardships that are involved with a life like that. Somewhat selfishly, I do not wish to see you head backwards into that uncontrolled state you were suffering so much in.”

I didn’t feel the anger anymore, but I’d quietened every emotion down. I needed a life where everything matters. Down to the scrap of bread I could find on a street corner, or the sip of clean water I could steal from a drinking fountain when no one’s looking. Living a like like that makes the well of gratitude for the little things grows deep.

“I will state my reservations about the idea again, but I can understand. I hope it goes as you would like it to. In the mean time I will research… other… options.”

***

It was worse than I could have ever imagined. Dying had been a blessing — the suffering was an even greater challenge than I had expected, and I felt the weight of failure sinking onto my shoulders.

“What was the point of someone living that life, Mags?” I held my head in my hands. The beating of my sick heart now just a whispering echo.

“Why must there be a point?”

“I’m not the only one who lives a life like that — how is a life like that fair for someone who only lives once? I just needed meaning in living these lives, but now? What purpose does this all serve?” I said, choking back the emotions rising in my throat.

“You are here because you are,” Mags said in his most level-headed tone.

I let out a half-grunted, half-hummed noise. I’d heard that answer innumerable times, and it never made it any better. In fact, right now it made it worse, it was like a platitude, or a line like “just forget about it” when worrying was becoming overwhelming despite it being about events I couldn’t change. Mags looked down at me with the expression a mother does when a child is stuck having a tantrum over something they can’t quite understand yet.

I calmed myself back down almost immediately after my outburst, utilising the breathing techniques I’d gained only a life before.

Sheepishly catching Mags’ eye before mumbling through my mild shame, “Sorry.”

“You are aware that part of my role here is to help tend to your psychological needs. I cannot lie or give you false answers, though. For what it is worth, I am also sorry it causes you pain.”

“I am also to remind you that the emotional dampening effects will slowly reduce any hangover feelings that stuck with you post life, and are potentially causing you strife.”

“What if that’s not what I want, Mags? What if I want to feel every pain and upset so that,” I gestured with a flailing hand, “… that life still meant something,” I said, my voice raising as my throat tightened.

“Ardeus, may I say something you may not like?” Mags shuffled his large form around the table that was covered in the slowly regrowing plants, some of the cuttings taking hold, some still struggling on. He held eye contact with me and stopped within his arm’s reach. His clawed hand reached out and rested over my shoulders. It was the closest thing to a hug he could safely give me.

My throat hitched again, but I swallowed it away and took a moment to consider, “Okay Mags,” I said with a mild suspicion. Mags was prone to philosophical and esoteric views or ideas, at least to my fairly human mind.

“I believe… that you are grieving your own life.”

I inhaled sharply and my eyes widened. It felt like that sentence ricocheted around my mind like an echo repeating itself over and over.

“My own life?”

“Yes, I was suspicious after your behaviour markedly changed when your new options arrived. After several false leads and dead ends, I finally did some research on human grief.”

“But… What does that mean? That… deep down, I want it to end?” I said, screwing my face up.

“It may, or just the very concept that it could end has made you grieve. It took you a long time to get used to the concept of living different lives over and over. So having that thrown into question is likely to cause you emotional turbulence.”

I stood feeling the gentle weight of Mags’ hand around my shoulders, my mind still reeling from his revelation. The pieces started to click into place like a jigsaw was being rapidly made in my mind. A small bead of true clarity began to grow.

“I’ve been avoiding it,” I said, staring into the distance.

I felt the slight squeeze of pressure from Mags’ hand as I spoke. Reassuring me. It felt strange sometimes. This giant Draconic creature of unfathomable origins was like a parent, friend and a mentor, all wrapped in one. The comfort I felt from this scaled hand resting on my shoulders was immense. During lives, when I was completely aware of who I was, I missed him. When I knew death was approaching me, I looked forward to telling him all about it — not that I let him know. I felt the sting of tears brewing in my eyes as my mind dealt with the realisations of what was truly plaguing me — and the ramifications of that being true. I sought an end?

“For what it is worth, I am sorry that your last life did not go as you had hoped. I think you are looking for fulfilment in the wrong places right now. You may need to face what you’ve truly been avoiding.” He paused and inhaled a huge breath, steadying himself.

“You must face being the person you consider the real you.” He gazed at me with an intensity I hadn’t experienced before, his eyes flicking between mine. It felt like he was trying to analyse my very soul.