My next several lives were a whirlwind of violent avoidance. I kept plunging myself straight back into tumultuous lives — lives filled with living on a knifes edge, one misstep and I would have a brutal end. It staved away the frustrations and considerations I’d have to make if I were to truly consider taking one of the new options. But I was running away with my rage.

I snapped awake into the strange gloom of the in-between for the tenth time since finding out I had new options to choose from. Each life of violence had stoked the coals of anger into the roaring flame of rage I had right now. My back reported the hard plinth I lay upon, especially the boney points of my shoulders. It was always the same sensation that I was greeted with as I returned, mixed with the sensation of my last life’s missing, recently torn away limb returning, the fingers disjointedly curling at my request. The feel of the cold steel I’d had clutched in my remaining hand was fading quickly.

Despite the sense of malaise from bleeding to death that lingered, I leapt to my feet and raged, the emotions of battle, of fear, of injustice, and of anger still coursed through my body. They were rejuvenated almost because they were no longer being countered by bleeding to death.

“Gods damn it all” I swept my arms at a nearby table’s surface that I’d put all of my plant-like memory objects. They littered the table’s surface no more, instead they arced through the air and my rage continued.

“Welcome, Ardeus,” Mags rumbled. A sadness in his eyes as he looked at me.

“Mags,” I greeted him in a short, rasping sort of way and slumped to the ground, and my hands gripping my short hair tightly. I hummed in anger, releasing the noise as a way to curb the riotous feelings.

Am I really ‘me’? The thought pierced through my anger, almost startling me. The intense emotions I was feeling had delayed the question a little this time. But it hit me all the same. There was that new, unfamiliar nuance hovering around it that had popped up — I now could actually find out what it was, or is like? To be me. If I could just choose that option. I slammed a fist onto the ground — it rippled in response, something that had amazed me when I had first arrived. But now it couldn’t hold my wonder. The other hand squeezed at my arm hard subconsciously before it fell to the ground, joining the one that was now limply splayed on the ground.

I worked through my mind, cycling my breathing, trying to rest control back over my emotions. Get my rational mind back in control again.

Clenching my hands into fists a few times, the anger still seethed beneath my skin. I was having a hard time losing this rage that had appeared in me. My attempt to get rid of it was lacking. I was jumping into lives filled with risk and adventure, a surefire way of dying quickly in either a blaze of glory or horror. There were only a few times in my entire career on this carousel of reincarnation that I had grown old as an adventuring type; it was a rarity to live a long time, and I was banking on it.

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“You must stop this.” Mags broke through my thoughts with his version of a soft voice, it rumbled like distant thunder. I wheeled around at him, pushing my body to its feet and faced him. Feeling the hot anger flash and a sting of rage swell in response. A flaring of feeling and angst now with a direction.

I couldn’t stop the torrent from leaving my mouth if I wanted to “Stop WHAT, Mags. I’m… I’ve never been told why I am here, why me?! Why can’t I save anyone in my lives so I can have a companion in all this? WHY AM I ALONE?” I raged and rattled against the cage of endlessly living that had become so claustrophobic. I could feel the words weren’t what I was really upset about, but my mind was cloudy and it felt good to say those things out loud.

The edge of the anger dampened a touch, and I looked back at Mags again. His face was taut, the edges of his mouth pulled back with his upper teeth bared just slightly.

Seeing his face, shame ricocheted inside my body, overpowering the rage and a different type of heat now flooded it. I had sunk back into something I had long thought I had conquered. Unbridled rage.

“I…” My voice felt far away. I’m sorry Mags.” I said, breathing through the rage that I still contested against. “I’m not really angry at you.” I basically spat out.

“Hmmmph,” He snorted and a cloud of vapour trailed upwards towards the cavernous ceiling above. “I have tolerated your behaviour long enough. I am putting my foot forward.”

I couldn’t help but smile, he tried to use human similes, metaphors and analogies whenever possible, but they were often merged or applied wrong.

“Down, put your foot down. Like you are insisting you are to be listened to.” I corrected, trying to give context to this human saying. I looked up at him, and his eyes were twinkling down at me with amusement. “Mags! You did that on purpose” I rolled my eyes at him in feigned annoyance, but grinned back up at him to show my gratitude. I knew the grin didn’t touch my eyes, but it made me feel a little better all the same.

“You’re welcome, small one. But I don’t merely jest, I must insist that you do not continue on this path of self destruction. That was your last one. I will choose the next life.”

Just as it was dissipating, it felt like my gut flipped — like being a child in trouble with their parents. A wash of adrenaline surged through me. I couldn’t make heads or tails of the emotions I was feeling now; Fear? Anger? Worry? They blended and marched through me, leaving me in a state of confusion. I felt the urge to direct my rage again at Mags; he was taking away my choice. Threatening one of the core parts of my self-hood. Choice. But I was of a rational enough mind now that I knew that was my inner self, the vulnerable, scared self that still lingered in me wasn’t right in this instance.

I had kept my eyes closed and breathed through the roiling feelings wreaking havoc on my nervous system. I dared not respond until I got it all under control, so I just kept my eyes closed. And breathed.