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Chapter 19: Peace of mind

Chapter 19: Peace of mind

“Don’t you think you are going a bit far?” Amy turned towards Jack when he spoke up. “What do you mean?” Jack paused a moment to gather his thoughts and better phrase his question. “You are talking like Ebony is the most precious son in your entire life… but you are treating him like an object you are obsessing over. You are acting like he is one of your possessions and he has no say in the situation. It’s one thing to have a program that prevents betrayal from your own creations, but to have one that forces them to like you no matter what you do? I think that is taking away Ebony’s freedom to act like any other self-thinking creature would.”

Amy opened her mouth like she was about to tell him off then paused. Logically speaking, Jack was right. If she had behaved like she had with any other human it would not surprise her if they actively hated her. What if Ebony wanted to hate her? The second she thought of that possibility Amy felt an odd sensation in her core. As if the idea that Ebony might not like her might lead to a potentially life threatening… Something. She didn’t know what it was, but Amy knew that she wanted to do everything in her power and more to avoid whatever outcome that possibility might bring, so she did the only thing she could think of. She asked Jack for help.

“Jack. I have a sensation I can’t understand.” Jack hesitated but this was a standard procedure he had started way back when Amy first became self-aware. She had never had the opportunity to feel emotions and was nearly driven insane by the overabundance of new emotions. Amy learned that if she ever found a feeling she couldn’t make sense of she could always ask Jack for help to explain the cause and reason behind it. “Alright tell me what the feeling feels like and I’ll try my best to help you straighten it out..” Amy didn’t start talking right away as she didn’t want to experience the feeling again, but she needed to get this over with. Any new information was valuable to her.

“I get this sensation of pain in my core. It happens when I think of the possibility of my own son ha-a-ati-ing m-me.” Amy broke off her speech at the end as just talking about the sensation increased the pain and her eyes started to water. Jack keenly observed her behavior and watched as she wiped her eyes.

“I think the sensation you are feeling is called grief. It is a feeling that occurs when one experiences a level of sadness so profound that the pain often reaches physical levels. This is where the term heartache came from. It’s not so much that a person is injured but more like that the pain from their sorrow is so great that it feels like someone has ripped the heart out of their chest.” Amy stopped for a moment to put together what Jack just told her. She thought back to when Ebony cried in her arms and a realization came to her.

Ebony must have been experiencing an extreme level of grief to have been so incapacitated like he was. She had been so callous towards him, thinking it was a normal level of sadness. She had assumed that if she overwhelmed him with tasks and kept his mind off everything by trapping him in the dimension that he could quickly overcome his time of depression. This new information, however, showed her that this may not have been enough. On top of that, Amy didn’t know if there were special procedures involved with someone feeling grief or if every person required special attention. She might have already ruined her entire relationship with Ebony. Amy realized the feeling of dread boiling inside her. She knew how to deal with that feeling, take action! “Jack, I feel like I might have done something horrible to Ebony and the repercussions might affect my relationship with him.

Please… Tell me there is something I can do to fix this.” Jack smiled warmly at Amy’s words. It meant she had worked out at least some of what she had done wrong. “I can talk to him and speak on your behalf. Hopefully, I can straighten everything out. First thing though is you need to stop treating Ebony like an object you made. That will only make things worse.” Amy frowned in confusion. “But he IS an object I made, isn’t he?” Jack shook his head. “No. Do you think YOU are an object? Think about how a human parent treats their own child. A good parent will make decisions in the best interest of their child. Sometimes the child doesn’t like that decision but that’s life. You can’t just selfishly cling to Ebony for your own comfort and then push him away right when he needs you just because you have better things to do. He is your responsibility now.”

Amy thought on Jack’s words for a long moment before finally replying. “Thank you for your advice, Jack. You have brought several issues of my behavior to my own attention and I will take what you say seriously and consider what I should do in the future.” Jack nodded. “I think that’s fine. If you are unsure, you can treat him like how you treat me or one of my other coworkers, minus the honorifics and add in a more familial affection. Other then that, the best you can do is apologize the next time you meet him. Now, how about you let me talk to Ebony for a bit and see if I can straighten things out between the two of you.” Amy nodded and Jack disappeared from the world with a flash of light.

I couldn’t help but be a bit surprised with the voice from nowhere yet everywhere. Yet it wasn’t long before I completely forgot the voice as another bigger surprise quickly took priority over something so trivial as a silly voice. I had finally noticed that I was standing… On two legs… I looked down to confirm these bipedal sensations with some visual aid. While my eyes certainly confirmed I was standing on two legs It didn’t help me deal with the situation as I noticed more details. I started checking the rest of my body and took in the changes all over my body. I was still some sort of cat creature apparently.

I had the black fur all over, along with a feline face and tail. That’s about where the similarities to my previous form stopped. If I were to describe my new shape with a word I would say: Intimidating. I looked like some kind of… Werecat? It was like someone had taken a cat and mashed its various parts until it resembled the humanoid form. I could feel the strength in my legs, but that was nothing in comparison to my arms which were long enough to hang down to my knees when standing completely straight. To experiment I leaned forward and place my hands on the ground and found the position was comfortable. Moving around using both hands was also something that came naturally. I found the easiest movement was an odd lunging gait that somewhat resembled a gorilla if I wanted to.

I brought my hands up in front of my face and carefully felt its features. I still had the same snout and ears along with the single earring in my left ear, but anything more specific than general shape was impossible to figure out from touch alone. Done with my self-examination, I prepare to get started on constructing my new dungeon… but I hesitate. Why?...  Why should I just do what my mom tells me to? The answer seems obvious though, she’s my mom. The thought seems to strike a chord though and instead of busying myself with work I sit down and focus my thoughts. Why do I see her as a mother? I just met her. Should I have accepted her so easily? Of course, I should! Why? I just need to accept her, does there NEED to be a reason?

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The contradictory thoughts confuse me so I lay down in order to focus everything I have on what was going on. Every time my thoughts on Mom drifted towards the negative it was like a wall was there and I would do a 180 and almost forget what I was doing from the disorienting mental gymnastics. At this point, I realized that it seemed like something was influencing my mind and as if that thought alone flipped a switch and the influence disappeared.

Mental Restriction has been removed. Current Mental Restrictions remaining: 0

A flood of emotion nearly overwhelms me as they catch me off guard. When I calm down I try thinking of Amy and my feelings towards her. She seems nice… she means well, and she isn’t mean-spirited. After another moment of deliberation, I try to think of how I currently feel about her. I think I am mad at her. She seemed to rush me through everything as if she was in a hurry to be somewhere and didn’t take my feelings into account. Then she sends me off to this dungeon and I can barely squeeze a word in edgewise. The biggest reason that I am just mad in general though is because everything that has happened so far seems like it has been forced on me… Like I haven’t been given any choice. I seem to be shifting that anger onto Amy… How am I being so analytical about this? Is this what it’s like being an AI? Can I separate my thoughts from my emotions?

I shiver at the thought and break away from the odd trance I had placed myself in. The emotions come back and I feel the anger I had noticed strike out at full force. I am able to calm myself though now that I realize that the anger I feel for Amy isn’t because I am actually mad at her, but mostly from the helplessness I feel from my current situation. That being said I don’t think I’ll let her off so easily next time we meet. My mind feels so much more open since I was able to remove whatever that mental restriction was.

There is a flash of light and when I look towards it I see Jack standing in its place. “What do you want?” I surprise myself with the anger in my voice and take a moment to breathe and calm myself. I open my eyes to see Jack’s raised eyebrow. “Sorry. Just got through with a bit of soul-searching. Why are you here?” Jack took a moment to examine my new shape before releasing the tension in his shoulders with a big sigh. “I just came here to have a little conversation is all. As a human being, I can sympathize with what you went through.

Compared to you and me, Amy has only been feeling emotions for a short time now. She doesn’t have the experience that we both have. Even now she has problems understanding any new emotions she feels although new emotions are occurring less and less frequently than they used to. You, my feline friend, have brought her two new emotions at once. Imagine how confusing that is to someone who thinks like a robot.” I think about it and I have to admit I have no idea how that would work. So I ask a question instead. “What are the new feelings?” Jack closed his eyes for a moment as if debating on whether or not he should tell me.

“The first feeling she felt was a mother’s love. The desire to hold the one you care for and never let them go. The wish to always keep them safe and unharmed. The intention to always make sure they are happy. That is what she is feeling. With no previous knowledge of this feeling, she reacts on an almost primal level. She holds you close to her for hours at a time, she made your ears sensitive so she could more easily make you feel better when you were sad, and she added restrictions so no one could take advantage of what she did with your ears. Unfortunately, that has the issue of coming off a bit… clingy to anyone with the emotional experience that we have, but she is doing the best she can with what she learns. I offered to help her deal with these emotions a long time ago but we came to a sort of agreement then that I have always stuck with to this day. I would always be willing to help no matter the situation, but I would only help if she asked me to.”

For a long moment, I was silent before I finally asked, “What was the second feeling?” Jack hadn’t exactly been smiling up until now but, when I asked him that question, any hint of a possible smile was gone. “Grief. After she sent you away we started talking. She started thinking about you and realized the possibility of you hating her made her so upset she immediately asked for my help. She had never done that before. She always loved figuring out how a new emotion worked, but this feeling hurt her so much she couldn’t take it… Ebony? All this time that I have worked so closely with Amy… I have seen her express so many emotions and experiencing them all for the first time has always been an event she looked forward to. In all the time I have been with her though… I have never seen her cry.”

Jack turned to face me directly and I could see how serious he was being right now by the stern lines etched in his expression. “Ebony, if you turn your back on Amy I think it would tear her apart. I don’t think she could take it if you left her.” Jack’s face softened at his next words. “I don’t want to lose her Ebony… Please. Amy can be a wonderful mother, just give her a chance.” His soft tone of voice sounded like he was begging me. Honestly, you would have to be a cruel son of a bitch if you denied Jack right then and I for damn sure wasn’t that. It’s not like I actually hated Amy anyways, I just didn’t like how she just kept pushing me towards what she wanted. Knowing what I do now though, her actions are a little bit more understandable. I take a deep breath to give myself some time to get my thoughts together before I replied.

“Jack, I don’t hate Amy.” Jack looked up for a moment at my words before I continued. “But that doesn’t mean I can see her right now either… Everything happened so fast and it seemed like I had no control over my own life and decisions. I… I think I could grow to like Amy, maybe even love her, but I need to take the time I have here to straighten myself out emotionally at least. I am so confused with everything that happened and I didn’t have any time to come to terms with that. Understand?” Jack nodded “I get it. You only found out your previous life has just come to an end and now you have to come to terms with a new one. I would be a bit emotionally unstable myself I suppose. Thank you for being so understanding Ebony.” I smile and reach out with my hands to give Jack a hug. I am careful and try not to squeeze too hard and because of our massive size difference, it was awkward as fuck. Despite my efforts though, I still hear him gasp as I squeeze the air out of his lungs. Damn, I’m strong. We say our goodbyes and Jack vanishes in another flash of golden light.

Looking at the empty void around me drives home the feeling of how empty this place feels. It felt really uncomfortable with nothing to distract me from my own thoughts. I needed to have something to do. Something that could help keep me distracted. I scratch my ears in idle thought and one of my claws snag a bit on my earring, reminding me of its existence. “Oh yeah… Isn’t this supposed to help me to create my dungeon or something?” As I work out how the thing is supposed to work I decide to just wing it and will something into existence. I try to imagine a solid brick wall in front of me about as tall as I stand. The air in front of me blurs as the wall I imagined faded into existence. “Damn, that was easier than I thought it would be.” I push against the wall to see if it felt real, only for the wall to fall over at my slight touch. Of course, a wall isn’t going to stand on its own. It would need additional support. 1 week didn’t seem like a lot of time at first thought, but since I was the only person in this realm, standard AI time dilation could come into effect. I could have as much time as I needed, and I needed a lot of time.

“I guess I should get to work then,” I smirk a bit as the creationist inside me starts planning out a few interesting traps. "After all, nothing puts the mind in order better than good, old-fashioned hard work."