(3rd-Person Narrator: Jonathan Edwards)
A darkness more black than the heart of Jack the Ripper encompassed the entirety of a certain laboratory which belonged to a special microbiologist...
It was less than the time one could blink, but the effect was immediate. Apparently "Nidhoggr" swallowed it all up. Then, something special happened: cliché transportation by metaphysical and thermodynamic properties beyond the imagination of a crotchety geologist just happened. ~Magic~!
Jonathan Edwards awoke in the brambles of a bush. A vial of volatile bacterium teetered dangerously at the edge of the plants. After quickly grabbing it before it would shatter and its contents could spill, Edwards assessed the situation.
First, there was an obvious lack of lab equipment, as this otherworldly transportation only took with them whatever was registered as being once physically in contact with the one transported. This means Edwards only had some old clothes and the vial because nothing else was touching their skin and so wasn't taken too. There were no special items to survive with here. Goody!
Second, this location was a stark contrast to what Edwards remembered. There was no gray concrete, no familiar cities, no signs of civilization. Just a forest filled to the brim with what seemed to be unique biological variants of plant species found on Earth. The bush that was just left contained white strawberries, which proved this hypothesis. They were at such a large size that Edwards could compare them to a strain grown by some Japanese cultivators. Edwards was obviously moved somewhere else.
Third, this was not Earth. Unless billions of years passed, the Sun absorbed Mercury and Venus, and miraculously Earth survived its expansion by sacrificing its atmosphere, the Sun could not appear white on the surface. Considering the unlikelihood of just not realizing countless years passing by without notice, Edwards knew this definitely was not home anymore.
Collapsing down, with knees bent into an “orz” position, our protagonist Jonathan Edwards took 30 minutes weeping. So much lost research...so many luxuries forcefully taken away all at once. In truth, the reason behind the sudden shift from researching unbelievable anomalies like "Nidhoggr" to microbiology was love.
This resulted in the day of consummation beginning the year 2020, or during Edwards' honeymoon. Edwards was only cleaning up their partially-converted manor to enhance the mood. Enjoying a lover in bed was the goal, but... Explaining this will be a long, long flashback...
Ahem.
This love began in the midst of popularity, with many adoring fans: one Tina Tompkins glowed like a jewel among the noisy scientists congratulating Edwards’ discovery. From newfound publicity and subtle hints of “necessary” experimentation, grants across the globe flooded into Edwards’ pockets.
Because of this wealth and an excuse to collaborate on a project, Tompkins became caught in a scheme of Edwards' one-sided affection. Reluctance was an obvious reaction: studying the distortion "Nidhoggr" was out of Tompkins’ field of expertise. Also, many of Tompkins' studies would be left unfinished. Yet this bewildering turn of events instead netted Tompkins a scientific legend as an assistant.
This skepticism continued despite Edwards strange actions. But on the Ides of March, all romantic preparations had been completed. Tompkins toiled endlessly on gathering as many materials, equipment, faculty, and facilities before “Nidhoggr” could interfere. On the other hand, Edwards arranged this workload for an excuse to go for some rest and relaxation. This was actually a disguised confession under the disguise of an enjoyable experience at a nearby amusement park.
Consulting a magazine article titled “Love for Morons” by Joe Doe, Edwards dressed flashily and carried an excessive amount of cash. The past month was a blur as Edwards alternated between exercising and studying vocabulary.
Additionally, a change in diet than the previous one surprisingly fit well to Edwards' tastes, as the stick-the-mud archetype of a scientist experienced new flavors. Originally this stale, fat blob had 200 pounds to its name. But after an intense improvement montage, 190 pounds of reformed humanity greeted its potential mate.
Don't look at me like that! You're making me lose my composure. I can confirm this strangeness eventually led to much embarrassment on both parts, but an obvious miracle occurred. Tompkins came casually dressed. Yet Edwards' flashy entrance- including a limousine- came much to the enjoyment of this tritagonist.
Fortune had it so that the smart chauffeur, and head butler, Stephen brought our STUPID employer more fitting clothes... Quite literally as the blubbering folds, although less by Edwards' efforts, still put the fancy clothing to its seams. Frankly, it was disgusting, but Tompkins didn't care so long as they didn't have to pay for anything.
After quickly asking Tompkins, Edwards purchased cotton candy and had another fiasco. Why attempt to pay in $100 bills? I don't know. Fortunately for this dumbass, this was found to be cute and oddly endearing to see. Tompkins was flattered but somehow pulled positive characteristics from such a stupid and nasty person.
The new microbiologist Edwards went to varying extremes to satisfy Tompkins' desires. Everything was done in such an instantaneous, dramatic, and hilarious way. This meant there were a lot of fuckups along the way. Thus, the two paraded around as they peeked at attractions and told each other their livelihoods.
Edwards took passionate notes on the family background of the Tompkins. Their history was fascinating, with tales of criminal investigation and undercover detective work. Tompkins' father in fact used to be a crime scene investigator. He even did background checks of his own on this "Edwards" character before allowing their collaboration, much to the embarrassment of Tompkins.
As Edwards strictly avoided questioning of the past which created this scientist's anal retentive personality, Tompkins became more intrigued by this character. Many questions needed to be answered. What made them like this? Why did they fuss over the well-being of a complete stranger? Why are they so carefree? And why choose to help me, a microbiologist? Tompkins wondered.
Mid-afternoon came by, and after being pleased with the "bread and circuses", Edwards directed Tompkins towards an elaborate Ferris Wheel. The nature of said Ferris Wheel had a history of confessions succeeding, even with the most unlikely of relationships. This was, of course, unknown to the oblivious Tompkins, as studies were all life had for Tompkins until someone began revealing the fun side of life.
When they entered, an awkward silence filled the compartment. Both were unused to social situations and inexperienced in small spaces. As the Ferris Wheel reached its peak and the Sun shimmered onto the shapely body of Tompkins, Edwards made a move- the confession.
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(Edwards) "I love you! I always have since the moment I laid eyes on you! I've tried so hard to be closer to you, but I know I'm not enough for someone as good as you..."
Edwards blurted out and completely regretted phrasing this confession into some apology. Tears rolled down a pair of chubby cheeks and this bastard had the gall to crumple into a ball in the corner. Tompkins perceived the difficulty of the words just spoken and hesitated. It was hard to form something comprehensible to this bomb dropping as hard as the one on Hiroshima, while not committing a Nagasaki in responding back. You can say Tompkins didn't want to fuck this up.
(Tompkins) "Look, this is the first time this has ever happened to me."
Good ol' Tompkins began, with a slight smile. A comforting hand and some urging brought Edwards face to face with their worshiped object of affection. That's Tompkins of course.
(Tompkins) "I never expected to ever do anything outside of science. I had my dream but thought myself hopeless in romance. I can't give you an answer, but we can stay friends until we know each other better. Heck, you're just a mysterious legend in my eyes and won't talk about how's life been for you. I need to know your past."
Edwards slowly stopped the annoying sob-fest and hugged Tompkins.
(Edwards) "If I tell you, will you reject me?"
Edwards said, in a near-inaudible whisper.
(Tompkins) "I need to know to decide. Science is always about evidence, after all. Love takes time."
And so intimacy between the two increased over months of working together. As their 12-hour work schedule decreased to 2 hours scattered throughout the day, they learned each other's habits. Edwards found out Tompkins' kept working and indoor shoes at the front door and in the garage. That made no sense because they both work inside a laboratory...
Everyday life created new hobbies for these scientists. New extrovert personalities took shape and formed by them relying on each other.
Edwards stopped using domestic help, yet kept their employment to add some liveliness to the place. Instead, the cooking, washing, other tasks were learned for the sake of self-sufficiency and caring for Tompkins. Edwards continued to learn microbiology from the apoptosis of cells to their birthing process in mitosis or meiosis. Additionally, a skilled and legitimate health advisor, along with prepaid medical professionals, tended to the physical and mental conditions of Edwards.
(Researchers) "No use in such an intellectual to go to waste!"
Was the popular opinion of the researchers studying "Nidhoggr". Thus Edwards was shaped in a more... compressed manner. These pro-health programs really did work...
Despite not doing any actual work on its study, Edwards made up an academic article hypothesizing the possibility of "Nidhoggr" containing a black hole. Surprisingly enough, news eventually boomed in confirming these findings, ever-increasing the value of Edwards. It was horribly lucky...
These blissful days of rehabilitating shut-in scientists to society continued on into 2018. This was when the threat of the Cult of the End Times revealed itself and its commitment to its cause. However, Edwards moved long ago, with all the new families and friends met during trips with Tompkins. They secluded themselves to a private residence, willingly gifted by an anonymous billionaire. It was an island, somewhere in the Atlantic...
Luckily, the implements left behind were enough to be autonomous for an indefinite period of time, should no one become degenerates, as the world was becoming. They soon were cut off completely from the world, as communication channels went under and the airspace became dangerous from militant groups using anti-aircraft weaponry. Not that Edwards would care much about anyone else...
On the Christmas of 2018, Edwards and Tompkins began to officially have a romantic relationship. By the new 2019, the ominous threat of "Nidhoggr" loomed in the sky as a continued reminder of external troubles. Yet Edwards, Tompkins, and everyone else on this "Paradise Island" refused to acknowledge this and continued on with enjoying themselves. By Halloween, Edwards entrusted Tompkins with a tragedy- no, the hollowing reality of an undisclosed past- as a scary story. Tompkins hugged Edwards through the night, where the sobbing couldn't be heard in their private mansion-lab.
It was in November when the wedding was planned. A luxurious ceremony was created: only the best for the two who "saved" everyone from the outside world. The event was held shortly after Christmas, in December. Many great scientists came to give final congratulations to the couple before they left for space.
This build-up to the expected hot, passionate time during their honeymoon. Both wanted to lose their firsts. But not getting "some" gave Edwards freezer-burn: the realization broke Edwards’ fragile composure. Edwards took a fetal position for an additional 30 minutes. Just imagine the sheer effort spent on forming Edwards' pathetic figure into the blinding greatness it exhibits even now. There's literally even a yellow, heavenly glow coming from Edwards' body right now!
Anyway...
Edwards' slow recovery took only an additional hour of incoherent mutterings and gibberish. But afterward, Edwards regained a sense of purpose that was triggered by a primal instinct for survival. Because of the mysteriously temperate weather, Edwards was not so affected by nature, yet still dirtied by the… earthen ground.
Standing back up, Edwards outlined a basic plan. It was a 3-step process:
1.) Get a clean water source
2.) Get a food source
3.) Get a permanent shelter
Slipping the vial in a lab coat pocket, Edwards used its white front to wipe off the mud that tracked itself onto some fine hands…
*cough* *cough*
Ahem.
Okay! Edwards then inspected the strange strawberries, as they were the only familiar food in the current surroundings. And we can’t have us a hungwy wittle Main Character, can’t we? Can't even follow the damn plan they made themself can they!?!
*COUGH* *COUGH*
AHEM!
...
A hesitant sniff revealed it was not a mobile, man-eating monster plant, nor hosting any living creatures that would stab Edwards in the face. Thus, it was decided both randomly and stupidly that only one nibble couldn’t hurt. And boy, did it hurt… Not yet, you see-!
*COUGH! COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!*
Ahem.
So~ Edwards consumed the white strawberry and found it had a comforting, sweet taste of ol’ Earth. Four more were stuffed into the gaping maw that called itself a human mouth. As an afterthought, Edwards stuffed as many that could fit into every pocket of their jeans and lab coat. Some even roomed with the vial…
Ignoring Edwards’ careless actions, a trail was blazed as our heroic scientist trampled the delicate flowers beneath their brutish feet and snapped beauteous branches that prevented a clear passage. Any intelligent human would notice the pulling on their clothing was done in a pleading manner for mercy... but Edwards did not have this kind of sense. A scientist is not perceptive in the ways of survival, and this one is much worse.
Surprisingly, some God answered Edwards’ prayers. It was not long before a clear stream was discovered, which eventually led to a lake. And no, there was neither Lady nor sword to welcome our lovable character.
Thirsty from being such a crybaby and feeling sticky from eating strange things so sloppily, Edwards disrobed, or dropped trow so to speak. Jumping into the lake, Edwards surfaced the water and then bent down for a delicious drink. This time, however, our oblivious moron unluckily slurped up some fine parasitic samples. One was the size of about an inch wide, an inch tall, and 3 inches long.
So Edwards gagged on the surprise, further elaborating on the running gag about how stupid this person REALLY is. However, it already slid down a warm, fleshy throat and settled into its new host. Horrified, our dear Edwards tried to forcefully puke out this secret ingredient. Edwards realized the parasite finished taking root in the pit of Edwards’ stomach lining. In what would be an unbelievable nightmare, life continued.
Dehydrated, disgusted, and disgruntled at the recent chain of events, Edwards splashed out of the water that not long ago, our nitwit was writhing in. Then Edwards shook off as much water as possible from their nasty body that one could barely classify as human. A true bitch, I would say. The journey for BASIC survival continued on. Only now, with extra on the inside and damp clothing! Neat!
Slowly, Edwards noticed an internal itch all over the inside of their skin and a domineering pressure on the delicate internal organs underneath. Edwards immediately blamed the creature inside the stomach lining of this fool, but that reason was not exactly the case. Edwards would continue to stumble about for days, eating the bad strawberries in an unfamiliar landscape.
On one notable occasion, Edwards broke the vial in the lab coat pocket. This was when Edwards' body began failing to move by the amount of pressure there was internally. Deep scratches all over their skin revealed how far the painfully itchy feeling had gone.
Strangely, the bacterium reacted to the oxygen in the atmosphere, as it was starved for nutrition from being unfed and was cannibalizing to survive before. More shocking was the speed of its dispersal throughout the air, with Edwards getting a full-on huff of one cloud. This gave Edwards a horrible premonition, as the Bronchiolitis obliterans organizing pneumonia took residence within some great lungs. BOOP just found its first home.
Edwards panicked as their survival instinct kicked itself into high gear. Some kind of corticosteroid needed to be found before death truly came to this meat bag...