I'm currently on my way to a bodybuilding show that I've been preparing for since the start of the year. It's the culmination of all my hard work and discipline, and the first ever show I'll attend.
Normally, one would be happy in such a situation, even if a little nervous. That's not the case for me, however. I've never been this angry in my entire life, I never felt so much resentment, and my chest and head are hurting like crazy. I feel like I can explode at any time.
Let me give you some context: I'm a 24-year-old Brazilian bodybuilder (or I'm going to be, since it's my first show), I'm still living with my mom, not because I'm a neet, but because all the money my shitty job grants me goes straight into steroids, massive amounts of food, and supplements.
Until yesterday it also went into all the typical expenses one has when dating and hanging out with friends. I guess I'll have some extra cash from now on, though, because my girlfriend of 8 years just broke up with me, and all my friends acted like sissies and sided with her.
But it doesn't matter, I don't need anyone, I prepared for this show without anyone's help, and I can live the rest of my life like that… Well, I still need my mother, I should start treating her better from now on…
Goddamnit who am I kidding? I hate this feeling, even though I've been alone and abandoned so many times, it never hurts any less. I should be stronger by now.
Shit, I can't be thinking about that, I need to focus on the show, that's what matters… even if no one I know will be there to see me…
Shit, SHIT. Stop thinking about it already, who cares if no one will come to the show? You didn't work hard for them, you worked hard for yourself and for the trophy. Besides, your mother would be there if she weren't so sick, so it's just a misfortune, no need to get all emotional.
What are you acting all weak and pathetic for? Turn all that rejection into hatred like you always have!
But still… It makes me wonder, when has this all started? I feel like I've always been alone or with very few friends, always isolating myself from people around me and only ever interacting with a handful of acquaintances. I even distanced myself from all my family members… But it hasn't always been like that, I was once the popular kid, even if it feels like ages ago.
When did I start to drive everyone away?
If I had to guess, it had to be around when I was 14. All my friends left the high school I was at, and being a fat awkward kid, I couldn't keep up and make new friends when everyone stopped being interested in videogames and suddenly started talking about girls and dating.
To be honest I feared women back then, and when the new metric for popularity changed from "being funny" to "how many girls you've kissed" I stopped being the center of attention and started to isolate myself more and more, relying on my computer and anime to make up for the social interaction I no longer had.
Also, porn… I got into some pretty fucked up doujins and eroge at the height of my addiction.
I wasn't ugly, but thinking about it now, my good looks didn't help my confidence one bit, they just served to give me a distorted ego that contrasted heavily with my insecurities about my weight and lack of experience with women.
My grades also weren't bad, but that was around the time when I started to lose all remaining interest in studying. Just listening to classes and playing videogames all day wasn't cutting it anymore, and my grades gradually started to get mediocre.
Heh, I remember I used to think I was such a genius, that I didn't need to study because I was so much smarter than everyone. Now I know that no amount of intellect can compensate for that kind of neglect, if you don't study, not even a little bit, there's no way to get ahead of everyone else.
Its ok though, I'm happily trading brain cells for muscle, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I was supposed to be a gifted child, but if having 20-inch arms isn't a gift, I don't know what is.
Now that I think about it… I'm not at rock bottom, am I?
Even now I'm still better off than I was back then. I'm at my best physique ever, I have good chances to win this show, and maybe someday I'll be able to get a sponsorship and finally start helping my mom instead of being a leech.
I could even start living only for bodybuilding and ditch my job, I wouldn't mind shaving off a few years of my life with growth hormones and trenbolone[1] if it meant living like a king. As long as I don't kill myself with insulin[2], I'll be fine.
Yeah, it feels nice to think like this instead, if I can keep it going, I can get to the competition without provoking a stupid fight with some stranger. But I don't think anyone would want to fight a 110kg shredded bodybuilder anyway. Well, enough of that, I need to stick to positive thinking…
Did she have to be such a bitch about it, though?
I guess positive thinking is over… how long did that last? I couldn't keep it up for more than two minutes. But it's not my fault, this is the big event, she could have waited until tomorrow to break up with me, wouldn't kill her to swallow her tears for a day.
Dammit, now I sound like an asshole.
Still, I just screamed a little bit, she knows how angry I get on tren[3]. Especially using it for this long and with such a strict diet. No man can handle bickering on 4% body fat, and he shouldn't be expected to.
No woman should, either. If you really think about it, I'm supporting equal rights! Although I'm pretty sure women die if they get to 4%... but that's not the point.
The point is that it didn't turn physical, it never has. I don't think I would ever hurt her, and words don't break bones, do they? That's why I still don't understand why my friends sided with her, they were supposed to be on my side, it's only natural, right? Or was what I said really that bad?
I only remember fragments of it, but I must have said some pretty harsh things for them to react that way. Still, they also know I'm not myself right now, I'm supposed to have a pass for situations like that until I'm back to normal.
One more pass would do it… just one more and this wouldn't be happening.
Crap, I need to stop with the self-pity already, I'm not a little bitch. I don't need anyone, and I'm going to win this show. I'm going to win this show and then… I'll cross that bridge when I get there, won't do me any good to keep worrying over every little thing, if I let this fight ruin all my hard work, I'll just get even more angry.
I can already see the expo center; I didn't even notice time passing as I walked. It's not bad to get lost in thought like this when walking, but with my head the way it is, it's better if I think as little as possible.
Alright then, no need to be afraid, let's do this.
As I get to the expo center, I brace myself for human interaction. I can see some people on the entrance, and they're bound to greet me, I shouldn't let myself act too weird. When you're my size, people misunderstand things and think you're mad at them.
That's how I disguise my social awkwardness, and that's why some people think I'm badass and mysterious.
That's also why I have almost no friends… Well, technically I have none now.
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"Good morning, sir. Athletes are that way" Some guy wearing a badge says to me with a neutral face[ar1] . It's important to identify what face and tone they use, because I can't reply in a nice way to someone who greets me looking irritated. I need to maintain my "cool and dangerous" look by always being a little bit ruder than the other guy.
I nod my head at him with a firm look that shows I respect him, one of the core techniques of the universal male body language, and I have mastered it.
I keep walking to the backstage; thinking about the burgers and fries I'm going to eat while getting my pump in order. Everything is fine so far; I just need to concentrate on posing well and displaying my hard work. I trained properly for this, I may be an asshole, but I'm disciplined.
Well… at least for bodybuilding I'm disciplined… And today that's all that matters.
I've also just noticed, but this is actually a nice place. I remember hearing horror stories in the gym about bodybuilding shows hosted in terrible places, with the ceiling falling apart and almost no air conditioning and all that.
I guess I dodged that bullet for now. It's a nice enough building it seems, a little ugly on the outside, and with an overly modern design and bright colors, but it's well maintained.
But enough spacing out, I'm here. I'll do my thing, mind my business, and win this show. My mind is a fortress, nothing can get through me now!
As I arrive, I begin to hear an extremely annoying conversation.
"Honey are you ok? You look so tired… are you sure it's alright to leave you here?"
"Don't worry babe It's fine, thank you for coming with me, but I'll be ok from now on. Wish me good luck"
What's this, huh? What's this shit? Is it Valentine's Day and I forgot? Did I walk into a love hotel by mistake? I thought this was a bodybuilding show but maybe I turned a wrong corner into the disgusting couples room, where all the disgusting couples gather.
What is she doing here anyway? You think you can do anything just because you were first to arrive? Get that cute baby talk out of my face.
"Oh! That's my leave then, take care baby I love you so much!" She says while she kisses her boyfriend on the forehead, leaving a brown paint mark on her nose. Apparently, she noticed me and got a little embarrassed.
As she finally leaves, my competitor turns to me with a moronic smile
"Hey there, sorry for that. My wife can get clingy sometimes" he says to me while scratching the back of his head, still with that smile.
Wife, huh? I guess it's his wife, then. Pretty young to be married, big guy. Make sure you don't regret it.
"I haven't seen you around before. You're pretty handsome yourself, must be a hit with the ladies"
"…"
"Anyway, this is your first show, right? I see you're no amateur though, just from looking at your arms I can tell you've prepped well." He said, seemingly unperturbed by my lack of an answer. Must be a social guy.
"… Thanks, you too" I answer in a last attempt to get out of this interaction.
"Alright then, I'll leave you to it. You're probably in a hurry to get your paint done." He says and turns away from me, still smiling.
Did he not notice I was angry at him? What's with that attitude? He must be lazy with his prep if he can keep that happy face… I can also tell he's not on tren, his skin condition is not right, and the famous "cornered beast look[4]" is nowhere to be seen on his face, not even a little bit. He seems to be a veteran, and yet he still makes such a rookie mistake… He would beat me for sure if his steroids were on point.
Must be scared of using too much gear[5]. Whatever, I will gladly take the trophy from you.
He's right on one thing though, I should get my paint done quickly. There is an excruciating amount of waiting involved in these shows, or so I've heard, but that's no[ar2] [TCJ3] [TCJ4] t a reason to sit idly by while I still have stuff to do.
After getting the paint applied (and having absolutely no idea if its proper or not), I go to get my food while trying not to think about how much money I'm spending for this. I'm considered a cheap person by most, and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, but today's just not the day for that. I certainly don't need additional things to stress about.
After a lot of waiting, I finally go get my muscles pumped and I find the gym equipment that's been set up for us. I see that guy again, along with a few other competitors. Some of them actually look impressive, I may not win first place.
But there is no worry in my head right now, how could there be? She's there for me after all, my most trusted partner. She did try to kill me sometimes, that may be true, but that was my fault for being weak. How many times have we met by this point? It's not always a pleasant experience but it always makes me grow, in fact we grow together, I push her, and she pushes me back. You could say she is my therapist, my confidant, and you could even say she's my lover, considering how she's come between me and my ex's relationship a couple times. No matter what gym I go to, she's there for me: the bench press.
I efficiently pump my whole body up while eating cold cheeseburgers and fries loaded with sodium, the idea being they'll draw out the remaining water in my body and bring it to my muscles.
The fries being cold and soggy is also important, it makes it more hardcore.
I also almost got into a fight with a guy who started to get impatient while I was using the pulldown machine, but he ended up backing down. Which was for the best, since right now I have very little to lose.
Luckily, I managed to restrain myself. After all these years, I've gotten good at keeping my angry thoughts from becoming actions, with some exceptions of course. I will never forget my first tren cycle, I ended up having to respond 3 bodily harm charges. It certainly wasn't fun dealing with the fallout from that. Ever since then I've gotten a lot… Well, a little better at controlling my temper.
But now we wait some more, I guess. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little anxious, but all the gear and months of diet are keeping me from worrying about it too much. I mostly just want to win this shit so I can stick it to my former friends.
Those bunch of white knights, I bet they never cared about me anyway, they just saw a good opportunity to ditch me, the goblins that they are.
I don't need them, I don't need anyone, and I'll prove it with my every action, starting today.
"All athletes proceed to the stage" The announcer's voice breaks me out of my thoughts, and I steel myself for what's to come.
The nasally voice and the robotic tone added by the speakers made for a peculiar combination, I'm sure normally I would find it very funny.
Can't wait to get my sense of humor back.
As I walk to the stage, the lights blinding me, I feel an immense sense of accomplishment. I worked very hard and sacrificed a lot of things for this moment. Was it all worth it? I can't answer that, the judges will answer it for me.
I turn to see my competitors, all of them worked hard. Regardless of methods, just getting ready for the stage is painful work, and we all experienced it. They probably all think the same as me, too…
No, they don't.
I turn my head towards the crowd, filled with all kinds of people. I can barely see them with all the light shining down my face. In that moment I realize the painful difference, I'm nothing like these guys at my side.
In that sea of people there are fathers, mothers, wives, sons, daughters, friends, and all sorts of acquaintances. Not one is a familiar face to me, however.
Not a single person in there is someone I know, and not a single person in there is rooting for me. I'm the only one here who's working only for myself, I'm the only one here trying to prove he doesn't need anyone. The others are the opposite. They all have someone they want to pose for, other than the judges.
That's why I need to win
I perform the quarter turns as instructed, contracting every inch of my body in a perfect way, just like I trained over and over every morning. I probably can't pose as well as the others, but my physique isn't behind anyone here, I just need to show it.
I know what comes next and my heart beats furiously with excitement. Earlier I performed my favorite exercise, now it's my favorite pose. This is the pose I always fall back to. I always feel proud with it, and I know I look impressive while doing it. Regardless of what happens today, at least right now I'll take the lead.
"Front double biceps!"
Immediately after the command, I get into a good base with my legs, spread my lats, bring my arms down and contract my core. I followed this routine hundreds of times, always with a smile.
Thinking about it now, this is one of the only times I smile
I look straight forward with my most impressive pose, but something is wrong.
As I watch the crowd with my arms perfectly positioned, I feel my heart start to hurt. Am I getting emotional now of all times? I thought I said to myself I didn't need anyone. Am I upset my mother couldn't come? No, that doesn't make sense, why does my chest hurt so much, and why do I feel so dizzy?
While I'm thinking that, cold sweat starts dripping down my head. I start to undo my pose a little early, and before I know it, I'm staring at the ceiling.
Wait, what's happening? Have I fallen? Why are all these people staring at me with these weird faces? Shit! Stop with that, assholes, you're dripping sweat all over me! I can't even move my hands to wipe it off, that's disgusting.
Wait, could it be that I'm… dying? No that can't be it, I'm only 24 years old.
I know I probably abused PED's a little harder than I should, but I'm still young. I didn't really go to the doctor to check my heart, either, but I do take care of my health. I don't even smoke, and I do my cardio.
I'm probably just dizzy from overworking myself, it's my first competition so maybe I couldn't handle the prep this time.
Why am I so calm, though?
I feel like I would normally be fuming right now, with all my effort amounting to this blunder. But I'm oddly… Peaceful? No, that's not it, it's weirder than that.
It does suck that this happened though, fainting during my first… what was it again? Damn, my head feels strange… is it bad if I sleep right here? I'm feeling kinda tired…
[1] Popular bodybuilding steroid, known to cause increased aggression
[2] When abused, can lead to coma and death
[3] Slang for trenbolone
[4] Reference to the increased anger and paranoia characteristic of trenbolone users
[5] Slang for steroids